Close to Her Heart (21 page)

He smoothed her hair away from her face, wondering if she had any idea how he felt. He couldn’t imagine his feelings were returned. Not yet, anyway. But maybe one day, he’d have a chance with her. Until then he’d be what she really needed right now. A friend.

“I’m afraid, Eliot. What if I’m not strong enough to be the mother my baby needs?”

“You’ll be strong enough,” he promised. And if she wasn’t, he’d be there to help her.

*

Eliot didn’t leave the clinic until Dani had calmed down, fed the baby again, then fallen back to sleep. It was dark, almost nine o’clock. As he walked toward his SUV, he glanced at his phone and saw Nick Greenway had called.

What the hell. He decided to phone him back. “What’s up?”

“Lizbeth has decided to file for divorce again.”

“I heard.”

“Well. Can’t you stop her? You managed to talk her out of it last time.”

“Maybe that was a mistake on my part.”

“It wasn’t. She loves me. And I still love her.”

“Even though she cheated on you?” Eliot had reached his SUV. Instead of getting inside, he leaned against the hood and stared back at the clinic, trying to count the windows and figure out which one belonged to Dani’s room.

“Yeah. Even though.”

“Then, what’s the problem?”

“She wants me to treat that baby like it’s mine. And I can’t.”

Eliot had no more patience for this. “Look, Nick. Do you love her or not?”

“I do. I told you. But how can I help raise a child that some other guy fathered?”

There was Dani’s room. Eliot could see the plant in the window. An African violet for her collection. He suspected she wouldn’t love this healthy one nearly as much as she did the scraggly ones she’d bought back from near death.

“You can do it if you love her enough, Nick. But that’s for you to decide.”

Eliot already knew his answer. If Dani wanted him—he’d be there. For her and the baby.

*

Ten days after the birth of her daughter, Dani was a wreck. She couldn’t get her baby to settle for more than a few hours at a time. And during those brief down periods when she ought to have been sleeping herself and gathering strength, she ended up crying half the time. Consequently, she was exhausted, and the place was a mess. Good thing she’d stocked up on the essentials before the birth, because she hadn’t been able to go for groceries, hadn’t even made it out of the condo at all, except for the baby’s one-week check-up. And she’d been fifteen minutes late for that.

Breastfeeding was an all-consuming routine when your baby wanted to eat every three hours. Dani ate her own meals on the run and settled for sponge bathing rather than showers, because they were faster.

Eliot had driven them home from the clinic and had come by a few times since, but she’d asked him to stop. She didn’t want him to see her like this. Not just incompetent, but actually falling apart.

With each passing day she became more convinced that Adrian had been right—and she’d made nothing but bad decisions since the day she found out she was pregnant. Oh, she loved her baby, thought she was the most precious creature ever. But she hated to think of all the vile comments, the rejections and disappointments that would surely come in her child’s future. The vehemence of Adrian’s anger, the palpable disgust he’d had for their baby, were stamped in her memory. And he was the father. How could she possibly expect strangers to behave any kinder?

Many times a day Dani longed to reach out to one of her sisters. But how could she ask for their help now, when she’d shut them out for so long? Her decision to keep her pregnancy secret was another of her deep regrets. It had been a form of repression—not talking about the baby had allowed her to push the possibility of complications to the back of her mind. She couldn’t believe how illogical she’d been. As if by ignoring the problem it would somehow go away.

But it hadn’t. The abnormalities that had been noticed in her first ultrasound had been real. Her baby was the living proof.

And now they were both going to have to live with the consequences, but Dani didn’t know how. At their one week check-up, she’d been told they were very fortunate that her baby hadn’t been born with any of the heart problems or eating difficulties that often plagued children with Down Syndrome.

At this point she didn’t feel fortunate. And she doubted her ability to handle a normal child, let alone one with extra challenges.

She’d notified Portia, Jenna and a few other friends and colleagues of her baby’s arrival by email, but hadn’t answered any of their replies. Somehow she was going to have to tell them about the Down Syndrome. But how? The effort was totally beyond her right now.

The sheets on her bed hadn’t been changed in weeks and they desperately needed washing. Dani didn’t care, however, as she fell face first onto the mattress after an early morning feeding. She hadn’t even changed the baby’s diaper this time. Surely one skipped diaper change wouldn’t hurt anything.

But when she awoke a few hours later, to her daughter’s angry cries, Dani saw the beginning of a pink rash on her little bottom and felt submersed with guilt. She was terrible at this. Just terrible. After cleaning her baby and applying some ointment, she gave her another feeding, then, cradling her close to her chest went around closing all the window blinds against the early morning light. She was beginning to hate sunshine because it only allowed her to see what a mess her place was. She’d even turned away the cleaning service this week because she was ashamed to let them inside.

Dani prided herself on being a smart woman. So how had her life come to this?

*

Though files were piling up on his desk, and his unanswered emails and phone calls were mounting, Eliot couldn’t concentrate. He was beyond worried. For a week Dani hadn’t been letting him in when he knocked on her door. His text messages and phone calls were also ignored. All he’d had from her was one simple line: “Need some time to adjust.”

Trouble was, he didn’t think she was adjusting. She needed help, but was too proud, or ashamed, or something to let anyone in. This was all thanks to that tirade in the hospital by that stupid jerk former boyfriend. He’d been totally off base, but somehow Adrian’s words had gotten to Dani, undermining her already shaky confidence in her abilities as a mother.

Even worse, Adrian had accused her of being cruel by bringing a child with disabilities into the world. In normal circumstances Dani would have seen that Adrian was the cruel one. But in her tired and vulnerable state she’d taken his words too much to heart.

Paige was at his door, wearing a dress covered in daisies and bearing a stack of paperwork he feared was for him.

“Thought I’d let you know the Greenway divorce has been halted.”

“Has it?” He wondered if his conversation with Nick the other week had been instrumental. “Well, I wish them the best.”

“Is something wrong? You seem a little distracted lately.”

He shook his head. “Sorry. A friend is in a jam and I haven’t been thinking straight lately. I wish I could do something to help her.”

“This friend wouldn’t be Dani Carrigan?”

He and Paige didn’t talk about their personal lives often. But over the years they’d become familiar with each other’s families and close friends. He’d told her Miriam had moved out of Seattle. And she knew about Dani’s pregnancy, too.

“Her baby was born with Down Syndrome. I don’t think she’s told any of her family or other friends. She’s just holed up in her condo trying to handle everything herself.”

“Oh, gosh. Poor woman.” Paige dropped off the papers, then sat in one of the chairs opposite his desk.

“I want to help, but I don’t know how.” He was a man who needed a plan. Once he knew what to do, he could make it happen.

Paige tilted her head thoughtfully. “Well, she probably needs help with cleaning and with meals. But more than that, she could use someone to talk to.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” She sure didn’t seem interested in talking to him lately.

“Do you remember the Churchills? You did some estate planning for them, six years ago after their second son was born.”

Eliot’s mind was blank. Why was she bringing up a case from so long ago? And then it came to him. “You’re brilliant, Paige.”

She left the chair with a smile. “I like to think so.”

*

When she heard the knock at her door, the only reason Dani knew it was early afternoon was because she’d heard the noon hour news a while ago. She’d turned on the TV that morning, just to remind herself that the entire world hadn’t ended. Only hers.

Go away Eliot,
she said to herself as she finished fastening the baby’s new diaper. All traces of the rash were gone now and she was super vigilant about keeping her baby’s bottom dry. There was some comfort in knowing that at least she was capable of doing the basics for her daughter. Feeding her and keeping her clean. Holding her close and telling her she was loved.

If only that could be enough.

There was a repeat of the knocking, a little louder and longer this time.

Darn it, Eliot.
She put the baby into her portable bassinette—she was just too tiny for the big crib. Plus Dani liked to keep her near, at all times. “Be right back, sweetie.”

She washed her hands and winced at her reflection. Ugh. Her total beauty routine these days consisted of brushing her teeth and running a damp facecloth over her body in the morning. Not only did she look rough, she suspected she didn’t smell that great either.

For the third time there was knocking at the door. Louder. And it didn’t stop.

Dani marched to the entranceway where she unlocked the deadbolt, but kept the safety chain attached. Holding the door ajar less than an inch she said, “Eliot, this isn’t a good time. I’m trying to get the baby to sleep.”

“Uh, sorry Dani. I’m not Eliot. This is Fredrick Bowman. I’m sorry to disturb you but if I could just have a minute—”

Oh my lord. Mr. Bowman? Something must be wrong for him to have pounded on her door like that. The most he’d ever done before was give a timid knock. Quickly she unlatched the door. “Are you okay?”