Closing Books (7 page)

“She never told me anything. She just used to call me at night when she couldn’t sleep. I surmised as much.”

She didn’t say anything for the next minute, but he could feel her eyes studying him.

“How are you?”

“Good.”

She grunted and looked away.

“That’s very unladylike of you.”

She kept quiet again, this time, looking out of the window. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help.”

“If it’s something serious, she’ll tell you right?”

“I’d like say yes.”

“But?”

“But she’d gone through so many things on her own…Her first instinct is to solve her own problems, that no one would be there to help her.”

“But you’ve always been there for her.”

“Not always…not before…” She drew in a deep breath. “I guess some memories can cripple you.”

Though he was frustrated with whatever secret Kate was referring to, he had to ask. “Will she be all right?”

“She will, she’s survived everything this far. And like I said, it’s probably nothing.”

He couldn’t help thinking that her last sentence seemed directed at comforting him than being the truth.

Evelyn jolted upright on the couch and shook her head, trying to get rid of the drowsiness that was making her head swirl. Squinting at the clock, she realized she’d dozed off on her couch. She reached over to the phone lying next to her, pressed the home button, and cringed as the bright light from the cell phone came on. Forcing her eyes open, she sighed when the screen showed no new notifications.

Groggily, Evelyn pushed herself off the couch and plodded over to the door, almost tripping over a lone black heel lying in the middle of her living room. She shouldn’t be stumbling around in her living room while her mind was still fogged with sleepiness.

Though she didn’t mind stepping on her clothes, entrapment might be lying beneath the deceptive jackets and she could easily hurt herself.

Annoyed, she kicked the black heel aside to join the rest of the shoes and went over to look at the electronic security display that Tyler had installed for her.
 

Dan?
He never turned up unannounced whenever they were in one of their cold stages.
 

She was instantly worried that something was wrong. Why else would he be here?
 

Her hand moved toward the knob just as she caught sight of herself in the reflection.
 

She froze, then quickly pulled her hand back to smooth down her auburn hair. Using her fingers as a comb, she brushed through her wayward hair. She always tossed around when sleeping, so whenever she woke, her hair always looked like it had survived a hurricane.

Once she was presentable, she opened the door.
 

Dan leaned casually by the door, wearing a clean white shirt with jeans. He flashed a brilliant smile and waved the can of chicken soup in his hand. “Hungry?”

Unconsciously, her lips curled up to reflect his, and her hands moved to her stomach. “Yeah, I think so,” she answered and stepped aside for Dan to enter.

“Feeling better?”

“Huh?” Evelyn closed the door and turned back to him.
 

“Kate said your gastric was acting up.”

“Oh, right. I’m fine. Drank some milk.”

Dan easily crossed over the clutter without stepping or tripping over anything.

She crossed over the messy living room, picking up some of her clothes. She had three tops draped over her arm when she gave up. There wasn’t much she could do to rectify her messy habits at that moment. Besides, Dan had been at her house before and he never complained.
 

She transferred the clothes onto the nearest dining chair and went over to join Dan on the couch.

Placing the can down, Dan tilted his head and watched her. “Have you eaten anything? If you have the appetite, we can order take out.”

“Hmm…” Evelyn thought about that for a moment. She hadn’t had anything since the few bites of the sandwich from lunch; she hadn’t had much appetite lately. Though she was feeling kind of hungry now, she wasn’t sure if she could stomach heavy food. “I think soup is enough.”

“Okay.” His finger traced her fringe, sliding across her forehead and down her temple.
 

“I missed you.” The words escaped her lips before she could stop them.
 

“What should I do with you?”

She bit a corner of her lower lip and looked away from him. As she turned, she felt his finger on her chin.

Gently, he turned her face back toward him. “Don’t turn away. I like it when your eyes are on me.”
 

His eyes bore into hers, holding her captive.

The sincerity in his eyes always caught her off guard. No matter how many times he looked at her that way, she never knew how to react. All she could do was to gaze right back at him.
 

At times like this, she wanted so much to lean in and kiss him.
 

She wanted to believe she could be one of those lucky enough to live happily ever after, to believe someone would still love her after knowing everything about her.

But even in times like this, the nagging voice of fear never left.
 

She sighed softly.

“I’ll do anything to have you look at me like this for the rest of my life,” he whispered. Then, without waiting for a response from her, Dan took the can from the table and stood. “It should be ready in fifteen minutes.”

Dan headed toward the kitchen while she remained seated on the couch.

She wanted so much to go after him and tell him what he wanted to hear, but she couldn’t get herself off the couch.

He wouldn’t want that from you, not after he knows what you’ve done,
the voice of fear, loud and clear, reminded her.

She buried her face in her hands and swallowed hard.

And you know you can never give him what he wants.

Her eyes burnt behind her lids.

How could all her resolution to stay away from him disappear the moment she saw his face on the security screen?

She had thought about the situation between them over and over again in her head, and each time the conclusion was always the same—he was better off without her.
 

She should have told him to leave when she opened the door. No, she shouldn’t even have opened it.

Taking in a deep breath, she pinched the bridge of her nose and forced all emotions from her face. She got to her feet and trotted over to the kitchen.
 

“You should go.” Evelyn folded her arms, her fingers digging into them.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked, moving over to her.

He ran his hand down her arm, and as though his mere touch burnt her, she yanked her arm from him and retreated a few steps back.

His eyes widened and he stood where he was with his arms raised by his chest.

“You should go,” she repeated.

Dan crooked his jaws and drew in a deep breath through his nose.
 

Without another word, he made his way out of the kitchen and stalked toward the door. Pausing right in front of it, he hesitated for a moment.
 

She closed her eyes and turned away from him. She couldn’t stand watching him leave, and she was afraid her will to send him away would dissipate.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Dan said, almost in a whisper.

She didn’t allow herself to turn around, but she could feel his eyes staring at her.
This is better for everyone.
 

“Goodnight,” he muttered under his breath, opened the door, and stepped out.

She took in a ragged breath as the door clicked close. She staggered to the wall just as her legs lost all their strength.
 

With her back against the wall, she crumpled onto the floor. Tears streamed down her face while her hands cupped tightly over her mouth. She forced herself to breathe through her nose and soften her cries.
 

No one else was in the house. No one would hear her cry. It was simply a habit ingrained in her.

She didn’t grow up with the notion that wailing would bring about help and kind attentions from adults. Since she could remember, being seen crying was a sign of weakness, and any sign of weakness would make her a target.
 

She gasped and drew in small, rapid breaths, wiping away her tears.
This is better for everyone.
She repeated that thought over and over again in her head. She wasn’t suitable for a relationship, and it was never going to work anyway.
 

Even if she did tell him everything about her past, she couldn’t expect him to accept her when she couldn’t give him the future he desired.
 

Her hands dropped and she wrapped her hands across her abdomen. Again, she made herself breathe and calmed herself down.

She shut her eyes and drew in a shaky breath.

Stop crying. Crying doesn’t solve anything.
She tried shoving all her feelings into a box and throwing it away, like she had done so many times when she was in the foster system.

There was no point crying, no one would help her.

There was no point feeling sad, nothing would change.

But she couldn’t.
 

She pulled her legs against her chest and hid her face between her knees as a new wave of hopelessness crashed against her.

A whimper escaped her throat and she immediately silenced herself.
 

Slowly, the palpitations faded. She picked herself off the floor and staggered back onto her couch. Picking up her cell phone, she called the only comfort she had left.

“Hey, Eve, feeling better?”

She didn’t answer Kate. She cleared her throat softly, making sure that her voice wouldn’t break before she asked, “Would you come over and stay tonight?”

“I’ll be there in half an hour.”

She hung up the phone without saying goodbye and pulled her fleece throw over her shoulders. It wasn’t a cold night. In fact, it was a warm, stuffy summer night, a night where even the occasional breeze brought nothing to relieve the heat within the house. Still, she couldn’t help shivering.
 

As she lay on the couch, she stared at the cell phone in front of her. Frustrated, she picked it up and sent the phone flying across the room. The phone smashed against the wall and fell heavily onto the floor. Turning her head away, she tossed onto her side and squeezed her eyes shut.
 

Though the phone wasn’t the cause of her problem, lately, it had become a reminder of how she’d never have a happily-ever-after that she was beginning to yearn.
 

She never imagined herself needing such a frivolous thing. To her, survival was the only thing she needed. She’d always worked to make sure she earned enough so that she would never require any help. Everything she’d done in life was to make sure she could survive on her own.

But nowadays, with each call came the reminder of what she could never have with Dan, and with each call came a new injection of despair.

When Evelyn heard the keys, she pushed the throw from her face. She forced a smile when she saw Kate standing alone in her apartment. The last thing she needed was Tyler seeing her in such a state. “You’re alone.”

“He walked me to the door and left after I came in. What’s wrong?”

She looked away from Kate, staring at the lone black heel she had kicked aside while she sat up straight, making room for Kate.
 

“I don’t know…” She gasped and shook her head. “I don’t know.”

This was what she wanted right from the start, for Dan to know they would never be more than just friends.

Now that she had gotten what she wanted, she couldn’t ignore the ache in her heart. “It’s over. It’s really over.”
 

Then she felt the heavy droplets of tears on her thighs as Kate scooted closer to her, gently rubbing her back.

“I’m so sorry, Eve.”

Dan took a swig of his beer and scanned through the channels, trying to find something to occupy his mind. He wasn’t paying attention to anything on the screen, he just wanted to vent on something and the incessant pressing of his remote control was rather therapeutic.

The ache in his heart had faded and was replaced with frustration. He should have headed to the gym to vent it off instead of sulking at home, but he didn’t feel like going anywhere so the buttons on the remote control would have to bear his vexation.

He couldn’t get over what a complete idiot he was.
 

Why did he even bother turning up at her apartment? Why couldn’t he stop worrying about her when he heard about her gastric?

He should have known it was going to end this way, it always did.

How could he still be deceived into thinking that her smile was evidence of her missing him? Her sweet smile, revealing a hint of nervousness, was nothing but a fragment of his imagination.

Sighing, he took another gulp of beer before tossing the empty bottle into the nearby trashcan.

Until an hour ago, he would still swear that he could see the feelings Evelyn had for him. He was sure of the yearning he saw in her eyes, and he was certain she felt the same way about him.

Now, he realized he was merely seeing what he wanted to see. He was merely pulling things out of nowhere to convince himself of what he wanted so much to be true.

The more he thought about what happened, the more idiotic he felt.
 

When she had told him to leave, all Dan wanted was to talk to her, to ask what was wrong, and to make her feel better. But he knew Evelyn wouldn’t entertain him. If he hadn’t left, she would start screaming at him to do so in the next second.

Even when he was standing at the door, he had paused and hoped that Evelyn would change her mind and ask him to stay, only to have his heart crushed by her silence.

On his drive back, a new sense of determination rose.

Evelyn wasn’t ready, and he was beginning to doubt if she ever would be.