Chances of Survival: 5%
Stars Hollow Video Store
This is a tricky one. Video stores in small towns tend to do very well, as small towns are boring and there’s rarely much to do besides renting movies and video games. The town I grew up in once boasted several video stores, and they all flourished. Until, that is, Blockbuster moved to town. Blockbuster is open after eight o’clock and actually has new titles in stock as opposed to buying only three copies of the latest releases and renting them all out within minutes. All the residents who complained in letters to the local paper’s editor that Blockbuster’s presence would mar the “tree-lined boulevards” that never existed in the first place flocked to Blockbuster and never looked back. Of course, this was quickly followed by complaints about having to pay late fees and fond memories of the old Mom-and-Pop video store that used to forgive such transgressions until evil Blockbuster came to town and shut it down. I know this because I worked at that Blockbuster and had to listen to this all the freaking time.
Chances of Survival without Blockbuster: 99%
Chances of Survival with Blockbuster: 1%
Doose’s Market
Taylor Doose’s Market seems like a clean place that’s big enough to have the selection and variety that would keep Stars Hollow residents loyal to it even if there was another, bigger grocery store nearby. Doose’s will be especially successful if it has a good fresh bakery section, as townspeople tend not to trust bigger chains when it comes to baked goods and they won’t be able to get anything from Weston’s, since Weston’s closed when Dunkin’ Donuts came to town. Despite the fact that Doose’s insists on selling those gross Red Vines when everyone knows that Twizzlers are the choice licorice of the East Coast and its pet food section is way too big, it shouldn’t have any problems staying in business.
Chances of Survival: 80%
Taylor’s Olde Fashioned Soda Shoppe
There’s definitely a place for this kind of business in a small Connecticut town. While the cold winter months might be lean, the rest of the year should provide more than enough business. You could always tell when a Little League or a Youth Soccer game had just been played in my hometown, because the two local ice cream places would have lines of kids in grass-stained sports uniforms and their parents snaking out the door and into the parking lot. And in the summer months, Dairy Queen would have lines of almost Disney World proportions every single night. The other ice cream place was a small local chain that featured some of the best ice cream I have ever had. As long as Taylor provides his customers with good, inventive ice cream flavors (oh, how I miss the lemon pie ice cream of my hometown!) and/or standard vanilla and chocolate soft serve (with rainbow or chocolate shots, which is what we call sprinkles in Connecticut), he’ll do just fine. That makes Taylor Doose two-for-two with his businesses. He may seem totally out of touch with the common man, but he’s definitely got his pudgy, cardigan-clad finger on the pulse of small-town commerce.
Chances of Survival: 90%
The Town Troubadour
Technically, he isn’t a business, but even so, the Town Troubadour would last approximately three seconds in a real small town before the local police (provided they could find the time in their busy schedule of setting up a speed trap on the same corner once a week) would rush in and haul him off to jail with the terrifying over-enthusiasm for their craft they usually reserve for those punk teenagers. I don’t care how good the music may be—no one wants to hear it. The Town Wandering Weirdo is supposed to be as inconspicuous and out-of-the-way as possible, so as not to remind other townspeople that less fortunate people do exist and make them feel guilty about not helping. He could at least be helpful and earn some extra cash by going around with a stolen shopping cart collecting cans from the side of the road, like my town’s version of the Wandering Weirdo, “Guy-With-One-Leg-Who-Always-Wears-A-Hard-Hat,” did. If the Town Troubadour could actually make it through a few songs without being physically assaulted, I doubt he’d make enough money to pursue Town Troubadouring as a full-time gig anyway. Small-town Connecticut people work hard for their money and are generally hesitant to part with it, especially for something as frivolous as live music. Maria Muldaur once swung into my town for a free concert and surprisingly few people showed up for that, so I doubt they’d contribute money to someone who didn’t even have a “Midnight at the Oasis”-level hit. A real Town Troubadour probably wouldn’t earn enough to buy a meal, let alone be asked to tour with Neil Young like the fictional one was.
Chances of Survival: 0%
Kim’s Antiques
Despite the relative ugliness of its wares, Kim’s Antiques should do pretty well, as antique stores are pretty much the only draw for remote small Connecticut towns and Kim’s Antiques seems to be, oddly, the only one of its kind in Stars Hollow. The fact that Mrs. Kim isn’t like the rest of the townspeople, what with her accent, religion, and eating habits, might cause some drop-off in sales, but she should get more than enough outside business to compensate for that. Hopefully, the confusing cluttered layout of her shop and her curt manner won’t put them off. I don’t know where in town she’ll find decent vegan food, though.
Chances of Survival: 60%
Al’s Pancake World
While residents might be able to get past the fact that Al’s Pancake World no longer serves pancakes but still insists on being called “Al’s Pancake World,” they certainly won’t be able to deal with its “international cuisine.” Unless the international cuisine is Chinese, Italian, or possibly Polish, the townspeople will have no use for it and will find the exotic fare off-putting and even frightening. Oh, and let’s also mention the fact that seafood from Al’s Pancake World has been known to make both people and animals sick on multiple occasions. It only takes one outbreak of food poisoning to permanently close the doors of a small-town (or even a big-city) restaurant, so Al’s would be doomed the second someone ordered those clams. Al would be better off running an International House of Pancakes than a Pancake-less House of International Cuisine.
Chances of Survival: 15%
Black, White, and Read Bookstore and Movie Theater
Yeah, right. The bookstore would suffer the same fate as its competitor, Stars Hollow Books, and I’m pretty sure the Stars Hollow Library has both a better quality film projector and a better selection of film prints than the “movie theater.” You’d never find enough people interested in seeing an old movie, let alone an old movie missing one of the reels. You can only watch
Pippi Longstocking
so many times.
Chances of Survival: 0%
Gypsy’s Garage
Though the sole red light in town may seem to belie this fact, Stars Hollow residents love to drive. So Gypsy’s, as the only car repair shop in town, should be doing great business, especially considering the frequency with which residents wreck their cars by driving them into poles and buildings. As long as Gypsy stays fairly honest and charges a decent price, she’ll be in business forever, even if a car dealership chooses to open in town—small towners don’t trust those places and would much rather use the local mechanic whenever possible.
Chances of Survival: 85%
Miss Patty’s Dance Studio
This might seem like a niche market that wouldn’t do too well, but on the contrary, I think Miss Patty’s would be very successful. I base this on growing up surrounded by female classmates who were all enrolled in various classes at the local dance studio, Caroline’s. Man, Caroline must have been raking it in. And the good thing about running a small town dance studio is that you don’t even need to be able to dance all that well; even the advanced classes are essentially for beginners at this scale. And this is good, because Miss Patty’s rotund form suggests that she doesn’t do very much practicing in her off-hours, regardless of her oft-mentioned past Broadway glory.
Chances of Survival: 75%
Le Chat Club
A store devoted to cat supplies and cat-themed items that doesn’t have the word “cat” in its name (yes, I know “chat” is French for “cat,” but I’ll guarantee you the vast majority of Stars Hollow residents and visitors do not) doesn’t have much of a future, I’m afraid. I suppose Le Chat Club could survive for a while on the patronage of local cat owners Babette and Kirk, and people like Luke who don’t know what to get people for gifts and settle on one of their tacky cat-shaped potholders, but even Babette couldn’t possibly buy enough cat-related items to prolong such a narrow business’s existence for too long. Maybe if Le Chat Club broadened its horizons and became a general pet store instead of being just devoted to cats it would have a better shot. Surely dog-lover Michel would shop there, so that’s one new customer. A better plan, though, might be to actually become a clubhouse for people who like to chat. That would do amazingly well in this particular town.
Chances of Survival: 8%
Multi-Purpose Church Space
This isn’t really a business either, but it is a central fixture of the town and should be mentioned. I find it incredibly ridiculous that a town with just under 10,000 people only has one building to use as a house of worship, and even that is shared by the several different religions. First of all, I’m amazed that there are several different religions in Stars Hollow. Second of all, I doubt they’d be able to work out a schedule where all of them could share the church space, or that their parishioners wouldn’t find it a little sacrilegious. In fact, I’m pretty sure this is even
banned
by the Catholic religion, which understandably considers its holy buildings to be kind of sacred in that way. While I have doubts about the religious diversity of Stars Hollow, I don’t doubt there are a considerable number of religious people in the town, and that would warrant the existence of several churches. I grew up in a town with far less religious diversity than Stars Hollow, and you couldn’t swing a cat without hitting a church. I never had a peaceful Sunday morning there, eternally marred as it was by the sonic blast of church bells from one street over. And then there was the other Catholic church just up the street, which even boasted a convent at one time. So many churches. I’m not as confident about the synagogues, though. Stars Hollow claims to have a large enough Jewish population to have its own rabbi, but my town had twice as many people and I could count the number of Jews on one hand (we were the kids who looked slightly uncomfortable when we had to construct Christmas ornaments in public school art classes). Then again, my town shares its name with the capital of Germany, which might scare some Jews off (even though we took great pains to differentiate ourselves by pronouncing our town’s name with the accent on the first syllable instead of the second), so maybe we were the exception and not the rule.
Chances of Survival: 3%
Antonioli’s Restaurant
You can never go wrong when it comes to Italian food and Connecticut small towns. Especially if that Italian food is pizza. The only pizza place I remember going out of business in my town was a Pizza Hut, which sucked since it was the only pizza place that delivered. I guess their pizza just wasn’t special enough to please the small-town palates when compared to the local places. Every time I visit home, I make sure to stop by the pizza place down the street, as it’s greasy and delicious, the best pizza in existence, and I can’t get it anywhere else. I think almost everyone feels that way about his or her hometown pizza parlor. So Antonioli’s should do very well, even though the Antonioli family all have those rather insultingly stereotypical names: Luigi, Angelo, Gina, Maria, Guido, and someone who just goes by “Mama.” Then again, I once worked at a pizza place run by a guy named Giuseppe and his son, who was also named Giuseppe. It happens.
Chances of Survival: 89%
Repertory Theatre
Did you know that Stars Hollow has a repertory theatre? It does, although you’d only know this if you’ve had the pleasure of seeing the set in person, as it never appears in the show itself—even though there have been a variety of events that could have been held there. This makes me think that it doesn’t have much of a future, which is too bad since I’d love to see the townies all come out and put on a show there. It would be deliciously quirky and silly and everything a real Connecticut small town production probably wouldn’t be. The closest my town got to anything like that was when the high school’s annual musical was
Flower Drum Song
, a Rodgers and Hammerstein play with an entirely Chinese cast. My high school didn’t have any students of Chinese heritage, so it ended up being more “disgustingly racist” than “charmingly quirky.”