Coffin Island (4 page)

“
I hadn’t really considered
that flaming apes theoretical underpinnings,” I said. “I just
figured him for a lamp and a guard.”

“
You better think fast,”
Madison laughed.

“
Flash is the protector of
the books,” I said.

“
Witchcraft delights in
confounding its creator,” Madison said.

“
You’re saying that Flash
was created to destroy the books?” I asked. “He just went
haywire?”

“
What are the books?”
Madison asked. “Think beyond the surface.”

“
They’re safes that cannot
be opened,” I said.

“
What is within them?”
Madison asked.

“
Witchcraft,” I
said.

“
How do you propose we break
into the books if not with the fire that is protecting them?”
Madison asked.

“
Flash isn’t going to bend
to your will no matter how stupendous it is,” I said.

The flaming ape was peering down at us.
He appeared to be hanging on our every word. He seemed to be taking
some sort of fiery notes in a flaming notebook. There was a lot to
admire in that cantankerous beast. Thoroughness was a quality that
I always admired in my prospective assassins. Why should I dignify
your death threat if you can’t follow through with extreme
thoroughness?

“
We would never try to
convince that beast of anything,” Madison said. “We will use him
against his will to burn this library to the ground. Kill him
too.”

The flaming ape let out a stupendous
roar. Apparently English was in his flaming vernacular. That beast
could stretch himself out a bit on the page, I imagined. Why not
flaming ape? Reach for the stars, my man. Go big or go home as they
say. Clearly you are home.

Chapter

Monstrous books began hurtling towards
us. They had faces that were carved in wood and leather. They were
shuttered with golden clasps. They were burned and tattered. They
were heaps of parchment tied together with leather straps. They
were massive scrolls on wooden rollers. They took one mean look at
us and boomeranged back. Back, back to the solar system. It was
clear that they did not have a favorable view of the library
patrons.

“
They’re reading my
murderous intent,” Madison laughed. “It’s about time.”

“
What do they know other
than the wisdom of the ancients?” I asked ironically.

“
Ancient wisdom is
overrated,” Madison snorted. “That’s why they want to read my mind.
They need new ideas.”

“
The books can read our
minds?” I asked.

“
Don’t worry,” Madison said.
“I’m not divulging my plan of attack.”

“How can you not divulge your plan of
attack?” I asked. “They can read your thoughts.”

“
Well,” Madison said. “I
would have to have a plan of attack.”

“
You don’t have a plan of
attack?” I practically shouted.

“
If I had one,” Madison
said. “They would be the first to know it. What good would my plan
of attack be then?”

“
What are you going to do?”
I asked.

“
I’m going to improvise a
plan of attack,” Madison said. “They’ve left me no choice. I’m
going to freewheel. Get a bit jazzy in my plan of
attack.”

“
You’re letting them know
that?” I asked.

“
How else am I going to get
them to go after me?” Madison asked. “I have to give them
something. I’m deadly enough to pull it off. They know
that.”

“
What did you tell them?” I
asked.

“
I’m still thinking about
how to break the news,” Madison said.

“
You’re thinking of making a
death threat on the wisdom of the ancients?” I demanded. “Can you
even do that?”

“
We’ll find out,” Madison
shrugged.

“
I think we should casually
back out of here,” I said.

“
We’re here to destroy you!”
Madison shouted. “We’re going to destroy the faculty too! You’re
all dead! That should do it.”

“
Now I think the tour of the
library is concluded,” I said.

“
The flaming ape is still
taking notes,” Madison laughed. “I’ve made my murderous intentions
perfectly clear. Let’s get this show on the road, gentleman. Shall
we? I’m here to destroy you.”

The flaming ape stopped taking flaming
notes. He peered down at Madison and me. He seemed too furious to
roar.

“
I don’t want a trial,”
Madison said. “I’m pleading guilty, you stupid monkey.”

“Do you really want to taunt him?” I
asked.

“
I’m coming for you!”
Madison shouted.

The flaming ape resumed taking
notes.

“
Why are we still standing
here?” I asked.

“
Watch how the books call a
meeting to order,” Madison said.

“
You wanted to show me
this?” I demanded

“
It’s quite fascinating,”
Madison said.

The librarian was now reporting what
Madison had said to a security force of books. He read from his
fiery notes. The security force of books then sent a messenger into
the main cloud. The galaxy of books began to reorganize itself. It
was like watching a building go up without any workers. The books
constructed a massive coliseum around the flaming ape. Would they
try to feed us to him for sport?

The galaxy of knowledge was having some
sort of trial in the coliseum. The books seemed to be having a
lively debate. Monstrous books were shouting at each other in mumbo
jumbo. Countless books were howling. It was quite disordered.
Knowledge was a violent mess, I guess.

“
I’m heartened that there is
justice in this world,” I said. “I’m just a little distressed that
I’m going to be on the brunt end of it.”

“
They don’t just feed you to
the flaming ape without a trial,” Madison shrugged.

“
They go through the
formality of a kangaroo court,” I said.

“
They aren’t going to call
us in our own defense,” Madison said.

“
You’ve already pleaded
guilty for us,” I said.

“
They are condemning us to
death,” Madison laughed. “That’s one sentence in mumbo jumbo that I
know. It’s music to my ears. I was afraid that we might get life
without parole in a book.”

“They are doing what?” I asked as I
watched giant books breaking off the coliseum and go into formation
above us. “I didn’t do anything.”

“You got lumped in with me,” Madison
said. “Sorry.”

“I got lumped in you?” I gasped. “Sorry
is all you can say? You just got me condemned to death.”

“We condemn you to death!” Madison
shouted. “We will kill you all!”

“Count me out,” I said. “I’m going to
run for it.”

“We’re going to fly,” Madison said and
grabbed my arm. “I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

I suddenly realized that we were flying
for the door of the library. Or rather Madison was dragging me
through the air towards the door. We were hurtling through the
air?

“
How about helping with the
flying,” Madison shouted as we wheeled our way through a tornado of
books. Monstrous books were chasing after us. Their jaws were
snapping at us. Knowledge was on our heels. It wanted to kill us
too which was pretty cool.

“
I don’t know how to fly,” I
shouted.

“
Hang on,” Madison
said.

Madison banked up sharply. She briefly
outran the books. She flew up into the coliseum. The books flew
after us like a tornado of trailers. They were chasing us around
the coliseum. The coliseum was cheering in mumbo jumbo. The flaming
ape ran towards us. He was bellowing brimstone. Madison flew right
at him.

Madison dropped me.

“
Think quickly,” she
said.

She banked down. The wall of books
crashed through the flaming ape. The books ignited. They went
screaming in all directions with flames lashing off them. The
coliseum exploded into flames as I fell toward the
ceiling.

Chapter

I fell into one of the books when
Madison dropped me. The book opened its mouth and devoured me. The
belly of the book was a pirate ship.

I was standing in the Captain’s
Quarters. A vast emerald ocean stretched out the window. The inside
of the book was a pirate ship? And it was on a seemingly endless
emerald ocean? Finally witchcraft had gotten something right. I was
in the market for a cheeseburger in paradise.

“
I’m in the head while Rome
burns,” a gruff voice said. “I’ll deal with you, Booster Boo, as
soon as I finish my toilet. I don’t want to die in this condition.
My coffin is old fashioned and not commodious. I haven’t been in it
in over four hundred years. The last time I paid that blessed box a
visit was during The Great War. There is no telling what sort of
appalling condition it is in now.”

“
No hurry,” I said. “You’re
on the toilet while Rome burns.”

“
Exactly,” he
laughed.

I heard a splash. It sounded like a
stone was thrown overboard. A privy door opened and out walked a
pirate. I caught a glimpse of the head. It was a rope net that was
suspended over the emerald ocean.

“
I would have put in a
better head if I had known that I would be stranded in the doldrums
for four hundred years living on rum and hard tack,” he said.
“Eating is a punishment in the doldrums.”

“
Should have planned ahead,”
I said.

“I’m Professor Coffin,” he said.
“Welcome aboard my galleon.”

He was wiping his hands on his
pantaloons.

“
Who are you?” I
asked.

“
The Headmaster of the
Coffin Island for Witches,” Professor Coffin grinned. “You fell
right to the top. How are you adjusting to your new
school?”

“
I was just devoured by a
book,” I said. “And now I am on a pirate ship? How do you think
that I am adjusting?”

“
Would you prefer to be back
in the library with Madison Kidd?” he asked.

“
What is happening to her?”
I asked.

“
She is taking quite a
beating from the remaining books,” he said. “She seems to be
enjoying it though.”

“
Send me back to the
library,” I said. “I want to help her.”

“
Madison is a marvelous
fighter,” Professor Coffin marveled. “I couldn’t hold a candle to
her even during The Great War when I was the most powerful pirate
on the emerald ocean. I could not have taken on the entire library
of The Coffin Island School for Witches single-handedly. Not on
your life.”

“
Witches are getting better
every day unlike everything else in this demented world,” I
sneered.

“
It’s the fine work of this
institution,” Professor Coffin agreed. “You wouldn’t think that my
methods would work but they most certainly do.”

“
What is happening to
Madison right now?” I asked.

“
The Boosterks are trying to
kill her,” Professor Coffin laughed. “I thought we already covered
that.”

“
Put her in her coffin?” I
asked. “Or feed her to Flash?”

“
Feed her to Flash, of
course,” Professor Coffin said. “We’re playing for keeps
today.”

“
Will they succeed?” I
asked. “That’s what I am asking.”

“
I certainly hope not,” he
said. “It would be a credit to this fine institution if one pupil
could kill the entire library of The Coffin Island School for
Witches. Don’t you think?”

“
Sounds pretty prestigious
to me,” I said.

“
It will be if she kills all
the books,” Professor Coffin said. “Madison has put half of them in
their coffins already. The entire faculty couldn’t conquer that
library. Flying into that flaming ape was brilliant.”

“
Why are you letting the
books attack her?” I asked.

“
She threatened to kill all
of us,” Professor Coffin said. “She didn’t just threaten to kill
the books. She threatened to kill the faculty too. The audacity of
that girl is quite stunning. A rank amateur and she just threatens
death to all of us? It’s quite stupendous.”

“
You could have stopped
that,” I said.

“
Why would I do that?”
Professor Coffin said. “I have a wager on Madison.”

“
You bet on Madison killing
the library and the faculty?” I asked. “What kind of Headmaster are
you?”

“
I was demoted to this
position for drunkenness,” Professor Coffin grinned. “It seemed
hopeless being the Janitor on Coffin Island in spite of the
prestige of the position. How could one witch, even one as powerful
as me, clean up the magical mess that is The Coffin Island School
for Witchcraft? I grew depressed. I started drinking rum for
breakfast. Now I can drink as much as I like. Do anything I like.
Coffin Island has rewarded my irresponsibility. I am The Headmaster
of The Coffin Island School for Witches for life. What do you
propose I do?”