Coffin Island (8 page)

The pirates were whispering amongst
themselves over dominos. They could sense that I was calculating
their punishments which were going to be severe. However I was
surprised that they could actually speak. At least they had some
humanity amongst themselves, I thought hopefully. Perhaps they
could be reformed. Perhaps I was too harsh in my judgment. Then I
noticed that their dominos were pieces of human bone. They were
playing dominos with what appeared to be human bones.

The faculty of The Coffin Island School
for Witches were amusing themselves with pieces of dead people? You
have to sometimes stick with your first impressions.

“
What are you savages doing
here?” I demanded.

“I’m having a rum with The Red Lady,”
Professor Coffin said and jiggled his sea glass. “She is the most
cunning pirate in creation.”

“I sneak aboard ships in costume,” The
Red Lady explained. “Then kill all aboard.”

The Red Lady had two hooks for hands.
At least someone had gotten the better of her. She demonstrated
that there was some sense of hope in this world.

“I’m Madison Kidd,” Madison said and
practically sat in The Red Lady’s lap. “How do you kill all
aboard?”

I’m magically attached to Madison, I
thought. Whoever is responsible for this travesty should be shot. I
might just pop off to Flint Rock or Gun Rock and light up this
bar.

“Strangulation,” The Red Lady said and
extended her hook.

Maybe I’ll study the situation a little
bit before I pop off. This woman strangles her victims with two
hooks for hands? As awful as it sounds I found myself
intrigued.

“Sounds handy,” Madison said and shook
the hook. “Your hook is chilly. I like that in a hook.”

“Aren’t you lovely,” The Red Lady said
and reeled in her chilly hook. “You’re the one that killed the
entire library.”

“Booster killed Professor Coffin,”
Madison shrugged. “I couldn’t get to him fast enough.”

“Professor Coffin is still bragging
about that,” The Red Lady laughed. “He’s very proud of you two.
You’re his star pupils.”

“You’re the first two pupils to
graduate since I became Headmaster,” Professor Coffin grinned.
“It’s about time that I got some well-earned credit. I’m tired of
four hundred years of complaints from the alumni.”

“There are alumni of The Coffin Island
School for Witches?” Madison asked.

“Where do you think we came from?”
Professor Coffin snapped.

“Four hundred years to graduate two
pupils,” Madison sneered. “I should kill this entire
bar.”

“You should,” The Red Lady said and
pounded her left hook on the table for emphasis. “The faculty is
always up to no good. You won’t be pleased with their latest plot.
I’m merely going along with it because it suits my murderous needs.
I am not a member of the faculty or even The Coffin Island
Community. There are plenty of pirates that have refused to join on
principle over the years.”

“Let’s not concern ourselves with the
rogue pirates on the emerald ocean,” Professor Coffin
said.

The pirates in the bar looked
desperate.

“How many rogue pirates are there on
the emerald ocean?” Madison asked.

“All the pirates have gone rogue
including Professor Coffin,” The Red Lady said. “Why have you all
gone rogue?” I demanded.

I was glad that I had stuck around now.
I was going to have more justification for killing everyone
shortly. This is how despots come about, I thought. From their
perspective killing everyone is just a grim necessity. It’s the
only way to bring any order to your subjects when they’re all
killers of humanity.

“They didn’t like the new
administration,” The Red Lady shrugged.

“How could you possibly go more rogue
than you already were, Professor Coffin?” I demanded. “I haven’t
even begun to punish any of you for your crimes against the Coffin
Island School.”

“What you did to the pupils is
unforgivable, Professor Coffin,” The Red Lady said. “You should
have just killed them.”

“He didn’t even have the decency to
kill me,” Madison said.

“Professor Coffin should be shot,” I
said. “We’re all agreed.”

“The Red Lady is trying to get us all
killed,” Professor Coffin laughed nervously. “By us, I mean me. It
wouldn’t be the first time for us.”

“I need to talk to you,” I said and
pulled Professor Coffin out of his driftwood chair. “I need some
answers before I execute you for treason against
education.”

“I’ve been trying to get in those
knickers for four centuries,” Professor Coffin fumed. “What could
be more important than The Red Lady? Do have any idea how hard it
was to track her down. She is the most cunning pirate in creation.
It took centuries to locate her. The emerald ocean is a blasted
jungle.”

We got driftwood stools at the
bar.

Professor Coffin gestured to one of the
cheery goblins behind the bar.

“Don’t be stingy with the pour,” he
growled. “I put this rum shack on the map.”

“
What are those creatures?”
I asked as a cheery goblin filled two sea glasses with rum. “I’ve
never seen a cheery goblin in my life.”

“
Brownies,” Professor Coffin
said. “This is the best goblin bar on the emerald ocean. I’ve been
thrown out of them all. It’s a pity that I might be having my last
drink with you instead of The Red Lady. You have no idea the
trouble that you are causing me showing up like this unannounced.
Don’t you have some Headmaster duties to attend to back on Coffin
Island? Seeing as you and Madison are the only faculty that remain.
I can only imagine what the pupils have gotten up to. They’ve
probably rebuilt that blasted castle by now. They’ve probably
discovered Flint Rock and Gun Rock. They’re probably waging a
brutal civil war right now. Shouldn’t you be leaving?”

“
I’ll deal with your latest
treachery in a moment,” I said. “How do we get to the next
school?”

“
The Casket Island School
for Witches,” Professor Coffin bellowed. “Who told you where we’re
shipping out to?”

“
You’re going there too?” I
asked.

“
Of course, man,” Professor
Coffin said. “We want to further our education.”

“
How do you get to Casket
Island?” I asked.

“
You sail across the emerald
ocean,” Professor Coffin said. “You think pirates walk across the
blasted ocean like armadillos?”

“
There are rules in this
world?” I sneered.

“
Of course, man,” Professor
Coffin said. “They’re subject to change.”

“
You have to sail now before
things evolve for the worse?” I demanded.

“
You need to strike while
the ocean is hot,” Professor Coffin bellowed. “We have to get going
before the next ice age. Now you’re catching on.”

Chapter

“It was darling to catch up,” Professor
Coffin said. “Now go back to Coffin Island where you
belong.”

Professor Coffin tried to stand up but
I pushed him back down.

“
Did you teach those
stitches how to read?” I demanded.

“
Of course not, man,”
Professor Coffin said. “Don’t be a fool. They’re stitches. They’re
a worthless lot except in the seamstress department.”

“
What happened to them?” I
asked.

“
They’re putting the
finishing touches on the sails behind the bar right now,” Professor
Coffin said. “They’re stitching all the loose ends.”

“
Why are they doing that?” I
asked.

“
The Wind People keep
stealing our sails,” Professor Coffin said.

“
Why are they doing that?” I
asked.

“
I’ve commissioned an
absolutely hideous breeze,” Professor Coffin said. “I’m afraid that
it’s fatal. I’ve probably gone too far. But why be an artist if
you’re not going to go all in?”

“
Why did you do that?” I
asked.

“
I’m an artist, man,”
Professor Coffin said. “Are you dim, man?”

“
I meant the breeze,” I
said.

“
We found a particularly
fast ship,” Professor Coffin said. “The pirates want to sail it
across the emerald ocean.”

“
They want to sail?” I
demanded. “I didn’t think they wanted to do anything.”

“
You can’t expect them to
horse around forever,” Professor Coffin said. “We’re going to set a
new world record for sailing fast.”

“
I ordered them to learn,” I
said.

“
That was a factor too,”
Professor Coffin shrugged.

“
I demand that you stop what
you’re doing,” I said.

“
We have to deal with Doctor
Fast now,” Professor Coffin said. “That ship is unavoidable. You
see?”

“
Doctor Fast?” I
sneered.

“
I didn’t christen her,”
Professor Coffin huffed. “She christened herself.”

“
How can a ship christen
herself?” I asked.

“
How can a ship perform
medical experiments on the wind?” Professor Coffin said. “It’s one
of life’s mysteries.”

“
You’re taking the fastest
ship with the biggest breeze behind it out of here because you
don’t want to learn?” I demanded.

“
Travel is an education
especially when it involves deadly speed,” Professor Coffin
grinned.

The pirates looked anxious to begin
their terminal education.

“
Where are you going to sail
this deadly ship?” I asked.

“
The Casket Island for
Witches,” Professor Coffin said. “I already told you
that.”

“
You’re not lying?” I
asked.

“
Of course not,” Professor
Coffin said. “I would have lied already and then denied
it.”

The pirates grunted in
approval.

“
The Casket Island School
for Witches,” I said. “Is this a place of higher
education?”

“
Of course,” Professor
Coffin said.

“
Is it a prison too?” I
asked.

“
What else would it be?”
Professor Coffin demanded

“
The concept of school and
prison seem confused in this world,” I said.

“
I would hope so for you
sake,” Professor Coffin said. “You’re going to have to do hard
time. You’ll be hitting the books with a sledgehammer in the gravel
pit. If you’re lucky, that is. That’s not my future. I’m going to
hell.”

“
You’re going to hell?” I
demanded. “How is that possible if we can’t die here?”

“
Flemish Hell,” Professor
Coffin said. “It’s a painted pony of the Apocalypse as depicted by
a frontal lobe madman with a paintbrush. You see? I’ve revealed the
entire test to you.”

“
You’re just trying to trick
me,” I said. “Send me off course.”

“
There is that too,”
Professor Coffin grinned.

I wanted to shoot the Cheshire
Cat.

“
You’d rather be a prisoner
at the next school than learn at this one?” I demanded. “Is that
what you are saying?”

I was trying to stay on subject with
the damn cat. Or at least drown it.

“
They won’t try to educate
us in the next school,” Professor Coffin countered. “Casket Island
is a gulag where they will just flog us without mercy. Sometimes we
read when we get locked up. Plenty of good books have been written
in prison. We may try our hand at writing too. You never
know.”

The pirates grunted in
approval.

“How did you leave the library?” I
asked. “Let’s just deal with the logistics of how you thwarted my
power as Headmaster before I banish you all to an ashcan of an
atoll.”

“I finished my book,” Professor Coffin
grinned. “You changed your mind.”

“I changed my mind?” I practically
shouted.

“Take it up with your book,” Professor
Coffin said. “I took a peak in it.”

“You read my book?” I
demanded.

“Just a peak,” Professor Coffin said.
“I was light on reading materials. I had finished my book, you see?
Flash recommended that I start yours. Edit it a bit. Monkey around
with your life story.”

“You thought you would monkey around
with my life story!” I howled.

However the wind matched my howl. It
was like they were somehow connected. I shouted and the wind
shouted back at me. The driftwood shack began to shake terribly.
The temperature dropped to freezing. Hail started raining down on
us. The storm that was coming seemed slightly ominous for reasons
that were difficult to pinpoint.

The sea retreated. The tide pulled back
all of it. A few hideous sea monsters were left flopping in the
desert. Then this massive tidal wave came crashing down from the
heavens. It filled the emerald ocean back up to the brim while
somehow missing us. It was like there was an umbrella over us.
Witchcraft was up to the usual.