‘Why are you defending them?’
‘You know my true feelings about
your father: I think he is a selfish fool, and now I’ve heard about all of
this, I think Miranda is a two-faced, conniving... Oh, well, it doesn’t matter.
All I’m trying to do is be objective. I’m trying to help you see that even
though they didn’t contact you, there might have been a hundred reasons—none of
which would have been that they never thought of you or they didn’t love you.
Deep down, it must have been very difficult for them to stay away. But maybe
after they had Jane, she was a replacement of sorts. Sometimes people can be
fickle like that... Or maybe it was their way of dealing with losing
you—replacing you and blocking it all out of their conscience. Who knows? All
I’m saying is, just because I hate your father for what he did, it doesn’t mean
you have to hate him, and it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you.’
‘I wish
you
were my real
mum,’ said Alice.
‘Well, I am, in a way,’ said
Stephanie, feeling a lump in her throat. ‘Think about it like this, Alice:
there must have been a reason your parents never contacted you, just like me
not telling you that I wasn’t your real mother. I did it for your own good;
well, so I thought—I only ever did what I thought was best. That’s probably
what they did.’
‘So, do you think I should visit
them?’
‘Well, that’s up to you. I can’t
make that decision for you,’ said Stephanie. She bit her tongue, wishing she
could tell Alice not to have anything more to do with them. ‘Why don’t you come
over to mine for dinner tomorrow evening, after work, and we’ll talk then. Try
to forget about it all for now. Give yourself time to recover your senses
before you make a decision. It can’t have been easy for you finding all this
out.’
‘I don’t know. I just feel as
though I’ve got to meet them, before I can relax. I’ve got to ask them why they
did it, and why they never wanted to know me. I might try going there tomorrow
evening.’
‘But you’ll be tired after work.
Why don’t you leave it until Sunday. Come to dinner with me, tomorrow, darling.
Give yourself more time to think about this. Don’t just rush in.’
‘Maybe you’re right.’
‘Right then, I’ll see you
tomorrow.’
‘Yes, okay, bye,’ said Alice.
‘Bye.’
***
Stephanie sat staring at the telephone, wondering whether
she had just imagined the conversation she’d had with Alice. There was nothing
to prove that she had just heard what she’d heard. Nothing had changed. She was
still sitting in the same chair as she had been sitting in when she had decided
to phone Alice.
The significance of what she had
just heard was only now beginning to sink in. It was the ultimate betrayal.
How
could Roger have done that?
She had thought he loved her, all those years
ago, when they were planning to have a baby. Now, nothing seemed real. It had
all been lies. Roger had only gone along with the surrogacy agreement because
he had been in love with Miranda. The reality sank in with a bitter twist.
They
must have been laughing at me behind my back.
Humiliation taunted her.
All those nights Roger was
out late, and said he was working, he must have been with Miranda.
She pushed
the unwelcome thoughts from her mind and inwardly rebuked herself—
stop
thinking about it!
Why should I care? It’s all in the past. None of it
matters now.
But somewhere deep inside her, she knew why it did matter.
Roger had gone behind her back and she’d had no idea about his infidelity. An
old wound had opened and all the pain that had gone with it had returned.
Miranda
and Roger.
She would never have imagined...
Switching on the television, to
distract herself from her thoughts, she watched as the pictures on the screen
flashed before her. Her thoughts proved too persistent and she was unable to
concentrate on anything else.
But, why did they leave Alice
with me?
The question remained unanswered: if they had been in love and had
a child together, why give the child to her? She supposed they had not really
wanted a child at the time. After all, Miranda had been a hippie student who
wanted to travel the world and probably didn’t want the burden of having to
bring up a child. She had only agreed to the surrogacy for the money. But would
she really have been able to give up the child of the man she had fallen in
love with, to his estranged wife? None of it made any sense.
The thoughts swam around in her
mind making her feel sick. She recalled the photograph she had seen of Jane in
the newspaper, and how similar she was to Alice. How could Roger and Miranda
have lived their lives without giving a thought to Alice? They had denied Alice
and Jane the opportunity of a relationship as sisters. They seemed to have
lived their lives in a vacuum, without thinking about the consequences of what
they had done.
Her thoughts turned to Alice.
Poor
Alice.
She had been through so much in the past couple of weeks. Finding
out that the person she thought was her mother, was not, was bad enough; but
finding out that her real father and mother had abandoned her and were living
together... She began to wonder how Alice would be able to cope with all of
this. She decided to phone Rita.
‘Hello?’ said a man’s voice.
‘Oh, hello,’ she replied,
wondering if she had dialled the wrong number, ‘can I speak to Rita?’
‘Yes, hang on a minute,’ said
the man. It dawned on Stephanie that she had put so much energy into worrying
about Alice wanting to find her father, that she and Rita had only really
discussed her life, not Rita’s. She didn’t even know if Rita was married, or if
she had children.
Perhaps that was her husband who answered the phone.
After a couple of minutes,
Rita’s voice sounded, ‘Hello?’
‘Hello, Rita, it’s Stephanie. I haven’t
caught you at a bad time, have I?’
‘No, no, not at all; it’s always
nice to hear from you.’
‘Who was that who answered the
phone?’ asked Stephanie, curious.
‘Er, no one. Um, my nephew.’
‘I thought it might have been
your husband,’ said Stephanie, trying to show some interest in her friend’s
life.
‘No, I’m not married.’
‘Oh.’
‘Well, I was married, but I got
divorced ten years ago. My husband had an affair with my next-door neighbour.
Can you believe it?’ Rita laughed as if she were talking about something that
didn’t concern her.
‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,’
said Stephanie, thinking again of Roger and Miranda’s betrayal.
‘Don’t be, I was waiting for
someone to take him off my hands; he was such a loser. Dishonest, rude,
inconsiderate... I could go on. Sorry, Steph; you phoned me and I’m ranting on
about myself.’
‘That’s okay.’
‘How are things with you?’ asked
Rita.
‘Oh, I feel as though I’m always
burdening you with my problems. Please forgive me, but I need to speak to
someone and you are the only person I can speak to about all this.’
‘What’s happened? Is it about
Alice? Has she found Roger?’
‘Yes, well, she’s found out
where he lives. Everything is just getting so out of control,’ said Stephanie.
‘Has she met him yet?’
‘No, but she spoke to him on the
phone, and he wasn’t very friendly to her. But, that’s not the worst part; you
won’t believe this—he’s living with Miranda. They’re married, I think, and they
have another daughter.’
‘Right,’ said Rita.
‘You don’t sound surprised. I
was in shock when I heard about it,’ said Stephanie.
‘Sorry, Steph,’ said Rita,
slowly, ‘I sort of knew already.’
‘What do you mean you “sort of”
knew? Did you, or didn’t you?’ Paranoid thoughts entered Stephanie’s mind.
Rita’s friend had known Miranda, and had introduced them to Miranda when they
wanted a surrogate; was it possible Rita kept in touch with her and knew all
about this?
‘I... I only knew what I’d heard
on the grapevine—’
‘Why didn’t you say something
before?’
‘I didn’t want to upset you. I
knew it would all come out eventually, especially with Alice looking for Roger.
I didn’t want to be the one to tell you,’ explained Rita. ‘I wasn’t even
one-hundred-per-cent sure that they were living together. All I knew was
something I heard a few years back. I bumped into Angela, my old friend who
introduced you to Miranda. She mentioned that Miranda was living with Roger. I
didn’t believe her. Well, I mean, I didn’t think it was possible. I thought
you
were still with Roger. Angela said she had kept in touch with Miranda, on and
off, since university. I swear, that’s all I knew. I didn’t have anything
concrete to go on. It only really clicked when I met you again, when you said
you’d divorced Roger. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I just didn’t think it
was my place.’
Stephanie closed her eyes and
remained silent for a moment, as the information sank in.
Rita continued, ‘I suppose I
felt partly responsible.’
‘Why?’ Stephanie’s eyes widened.
‘Well, I was the one who told
you about Miranda, wasn’t I?’ Rita sounded sad. ‘I couldn’t help thinking that
if I hadn’t told Angela about it, and if she hadn’t introduced you and Roger to
Miranda, none of this would have happened. Maybe you’d still be with Roger.’
‘I still can’t believe it...’
Stephanie spoke softly. ‘But really, Rita, you shouldn’t blame yourself. One
thing I know for sure is that I would not have still been with Roger. We were
not right for each other. If it wasn’t Miranda, it would have been someone, or
something else. Believe me, our marriage wasn’t working. I fooled myself into
thinking that if we had a child it would make a difference, but it didn’t.’
‘Well, anyway, I just couldn’t
bring myself to tell you about what I’d heard,’ said Rita. ‘But, I was trying
to help; that’s why I was so pushy with you; telling you that you should let
Alice know about Miranda, and that you should tell her everything. I knew that
if they were living together Alice would find everything out from Roger, if you
didn’t tell her.’
‘Oh, everything is just so
confusing. I don’t know what to believe anymore.’
‘I know, I know,’ said Rita,
‘but I’m sure everything will work itself out in the end. I’m sure.’
‘Alice is so upset. She can’t
understand why her parents abandoned her if they’re still together and have
another daughter. It’s so hard on her. I don’t know what to do,’ said
Stephanie. ‘I think she’s planning to visit them, but I don’t think it’s such a
good idea. What good could possibly come out of it now? Am I being selfish? I
keep thinking: what if she wants to be with them, and doesn’t want me anymore?’
‘Maybe she just needs to visit
them, to get it out of her system. It’s hardly likely she wants a relationship
with them as parents, now, after everything they’ve done. She’s not a child
anymore. She’s probably just curious,’ said Rita.
‘I suppose so, but I just don’t
want her to get hurt. She’s been through so much already.’
‘Stop worrying, Steph. I’m sure
everything will be okay. Alice seems like an intelligent girl. I’m sure she
knows what she’s doing.’
‘Yes, you’re probably right.’
Stephanie paused. ‘Maybe I should go with her when she visits them.’
‘Um, I don’t think that would be
a good idea.’
‘No, neither do I,’ said
Stephanie, laughing. ‘But I’d love to see the looks on their faces, if I did!’
‘So would I. Maybe we should
both go!’ Rita laughed.
‘Yes!’ Stephanie laughed along
with her. ‘Thanks for cheering me up. I don’t know what I’d have done without
you.’
‘No problem, Steph. Everything
will be all right, you’ll see.’
Chapter Thirteen
Saturday 23rd August 1997
Alice’s alarm clock sounded at 7.30 a.m. Reaching out of
her duvet, she pressed the snooze button. She had not slept very well; her mind
had been so consumed with memories of the meeting she’d had with Jane, the
phone call with her father, her conversation with Stephanie... Everything had
been replaying in her head non-stop as she tried to think of ways around her
dilemma. In the cold light of day, she felt more confused than ever. Anxiety
pervaded her senses. The one thing she was sure about was that she would not
rest until she had met with her parents, to talk everything through. She needed
to hear their version of events.
Maybe they had wanted to look
after her, but there might have been a reason why they were unable to. The
thought crossed her mind that maybe they had tried to contact her, and perhaps
Stephanie had refused to allow them to. Could Stephanie have been the selfish
one? Had she denied them access? But Alice felt immediately guilty for even
thinking that about Stephanie.
She wouldn’t do something like that.
Then
Alice began to question whether she really knew what Stephanie would and would
not do. After all, she had kept a secret from her for so long: she didn’t tell
her that she was not her real mother until she said she was going to look for
her father. Alice started to think that it was not so improbable that Stephanie
had kept other things from her as well.
She made a decision to go to
visit her parents today, aware that until she met them she would not be able to
concentrate on anything else. Her alarm clock went off again at 7.45 a.m. She
switched it off, forced herself to get out of bed, and made her way to the
bathroom.
Looking at herself in the
bathroom mirror, she saw that the last two weeks had certainly taken their
toll. Her skin was pale and there were dark circles around her eyes. As she
looked at her reflection in the mirror, she had a strange sense that she didn’t
even know the person looking back at her. Her sense of identity was muddled and
confused as if everything she had once believed had been tossed up into the air
and had landed on the ground haphazardly, scattered here and there; her task
now was to somehow put everything back into the right order. It seemed like an
impossible mission.