‘Stephanie, I can’t just play
happy families and do whatever Alice wants. There is more to it than that. I’m
happy with my life; with Miranda and our daughter, Jane. I don’t want anything
to come between us, or spoil what we have.’
‘Oh, how cosy! Face up to your
responsibilities for once, Roger! You have another daughter, whether you like
it or not! She won’t just go away. She’s a person. She has feelings. You can’t
just run away from everything, like you did all those years ago.’
‘That’s what all this is about,
isn’t it?’ he sneered. ‘You’re still bitter, after all these years. I left you,
and you just can’t handle the fact that I’m with Miranda.’
‘Oh, grow up! This isn’t about
me and you, or your male ego. It’s about Alice. You abandoned her once, all
those years ago. Now you’ve sent her away again.’
‘Well, I’m truly sorry I had to
do that. And, believe me, if things were different, I would have welcomed her.’
He sat down again on the armchair, looking weary. ‘Don’t you think I would like
to get to know her? Do you think I’m
that
uncaring? When I left you, all
those years ago, it was for the best. All we did was argue. As much as it hurt
me to leave Alice, I had to go. Don’t get me wrong, I still loved you, but I
couldn’t live with you. I gave up that part of my life when I walked out the
door. Don’t you see? I can’t go back. Everything is so different now. Too much
is at stake.’
‘But I’ve come here to try to
make you understand that it isn’t too late for you to have a relationship with
Alice.’ Stephanie sat down opposite Ken on the sofa.
He shook his head. ‘Jane is my
first priority, I have to think about
her
. All of this... she doesn’t
know anything about it. It would be too much for her. She’s so young. She...
She’s been through enough trauma recently, with the plane crash. I can’t just
dish this out to her. Not now.’ He looked weary.
‘But, my understanding is that
Jane knows about Alice now, Roger—sorry, Ken,’ said Stephanie, calmly,
realising he had become upset. ‘Alice met her and they talked. Jane is okay
about it. Why can’t you be?’
‘Jane doesn’t know the whole
story. She thinks she and Alice are half-sisters; that Alice is my daughter
from my first marriage.’
‘So, explain it to her. It won’t
be that difficult. If Alice has accepted it, surely Jane will.’
He looked at her as if he were
about to say something else, but then he shook his head. ‘I can’t. Not right
now—’
‘When then? In another twenty
years time?’
‘I don’t know if there’ll ever
be a good time to tell Jane. Sorry.’
‘You’re so selfish. You haven’t
changed. Always thinking of what’s best for you.’ She shook her head. ‘What?
You don’t want Jane to realise how fickle your emotions are; how it was so easy
for you to leave your wife and child for a woman you hardly knew? Is that it?’
‘Our marriage had ended long
before I met Miranda,’ he said, looking her directly in the eye, a scowl on his
face.
‘Yes, because you were such a
lousy husband.’
‘What would you know?’ he said.
‘Have you found a perfect husband now?’
‘I don’t see what my
relationship status has to do with this conversation.’
‘You’re still single, aren’t
you?’ He nodded.
‘I was left to bring up a child
on my own, thanks to you. I didn’t have time to go out and look for another
man.’
‘I knew it. You know nothing
about real love. What Miranda and I share is real love. But that is something
you’ll never know about.’
Stephanie stood up. ‘I don’t
know why I bothered coming here,’ she said. ‘I came to ask you to acknowledge
your daughter, and all you can do is throw stones.’
‘Well, you’ve said everything
you wanted to say.’ He stood up and walked towards the door. ‘I think you
should leave.’
Stephanie picked up her handbag
from the sofa. ‘I can understand that you wouldn’t want to talk to me about
this. Anyway, yes, you’re right: I’ve said what I came to say. It’s your loss
if Alice never wants to see you again. She’s a wonderful child. You’ve got a
chance to get to know her, but you’re going to miss out. I never wanted her to
look for you. I told her you’d be like this. She didn’t believe me. She was
determined to find you, and now you’ve turned her away, shattered her
illusions. You say you’re happy with your new family, but I don’t know how you
can be happy, when you’ve made your daughter so sad.’
‘Please just go,’ he said.
‘Okay, I’m going. I wouldn’t
want to be here any longer than I have to. You’re a cold, hard man, and I’m
glad you left me when you did. Do you really want Alice to have this image of
you? Don’t you want the chance to be part of her life?’ She shook her head.
‘Good-bye, Roger. Have a nice life.’
She slammed the living room door
as she left. From the corner of her eye she saw a figure. Turning to her right,
she saw a woman wearing large spectacles, standing a few feet away. It was
Miranda. Stephanie was surprised at how old she looked. Her hair was grey.
Stephanie’s hair had gone grey years ago, but she always dyed it a warm auburn
shade; she would not dream of leaving it grey. She knew that Miranda had been
listening to her conversation with Roger. Why hadn’t she joined them? The
conversation had been as much about her as about Roger.
She’s probably too
embarrassed; too much of a coward to face the truth and the consequences of
what she’s done,
thought Stephanie.
‘Stephanie,’ said Miranda,
reaching out a hand and walking towards her. As she came closer, Stephanie
could see that she seemed sad, and her face had many lines and wrinkles.
Stephanie turned away without acknowledging her, and left through the front
door.
***
On Sunday, Alice spent most of the morning cleaning her
flat. She had slept well, the night before. As soon as her head hit the pillow,
she had fallen asleep, and she had not woken up until 10 a.m. The events of the
past two weeks had left her physically and mentally exhausted; it had all
finally caught up with her. The sleep had been like a tonic and had left her
feeling so much better.
In the afternoon, as the weather
was so good, she went to the local park. After going for a walk to clear her
head, she sat on a bench for a couple of hours, reading a book. It was a
pleasant atmosphere as people walked by enjoying the sun, and children ran
about and played.
In the evening, Jenny phoned
her. She was eager to find out about her meeting with her father.
‘What’s he like?’ asked Jenny in
her typically jovial voice.
‘Um... he... To cut a long story
short, I don’t think I’ll be visiting him again.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
What happened? That’s if you don’t mind talking about it.’
‘He was very cold. He said he
doesn’t think we should keep in touch.’
‘He was probably shocked to see
you. Did you tell him you were visiting?’
‘Yes, of course I did. It wasn’t
that. He just doesn’t want to know me.’
‘Sorry, Allie. That’s shocking.
But... maybe when he gets used to the fact that you are back in his life, maybe
he’ll change his mind.’
‘I don’t really care,’ said
Alice, and only then realised that it was true. What she had wanted was to meet
him, and now she had done that. She had discovered that he was not a very nice
man. She didn’t really care if she never saw him again. She surprised herself
with her thoughts.
‘So, now you’ve met your dad, do
you think you’ll start looking for your mum? Maybe she’ll be nicer?’ said
Jenny.
‘I don’t think so,’ said Alice,
thinking of Miranda. ‘To tell you the truth, I’ve come to the conclusion that
there’s a reason I’m not with my real parents. They’re just not supposed to be
in my life. I don’t see a reason to look for my mum. I already have a mum.’
‘Good for you, Allie. I have to
say, I kind of agree with that; I can’t imagine ever giving away a child, and
anyone who does can’t be much of a maternal person. You’re better off without
her.’
‘Hmm... I hadn’t thought of it
like that, but it does make sense. I mean, if she was really that concerned
about me, she would have tried to find me by now, wouldn’t she?’
‘Yeah.’
‘So, how have you been, Jen?’
‘Oh, fine. Trying to make the
most of the last couple of weeks before we have to go back to uni. Time has
gone so fast!’
‘That’s true.’
‘Oh, before I forget, I’ve got
Andrew’s phone number for you.’
Alice’s mouth fell open. After
she’d composed herself, she couldn’t help the smile that played on her lips.
Jenny gave her the telephone number, and Alice felt truly happy then, for the
first time in weeks.
‘So, when are you gonna call
him?’
‘Um... soon.’
‘I want to be the first to know
everything!’ said Jenny.
‘You will be.’ Alice giggled.
‘I’ve got to go, Allie, but I’ll
see you at uni. Oh, and try not to be too downhearted about your dad. If you
need to talk, I’m here, okay?’
‘Thanks, Jen. But one good thing
that came out of my visit to see him was that I met up with Jane, and I gave
her my phone number. So, we’ll probably keep in touch.’
‘That’s great news,’ said Jenny.
‘If you do plan to go out anywhere with her, let me know—I’d love to join you.’
After getting off the phone with Jenny, Alice knew she
had to phone Andrew. Somehow, whenever she thought of him she felt calm and
full of hope for the future. He was like a cure for her pain.
She smiled to herself as she
dialled the number.
‘Hello,’ said a man’s voice.
‘Hello,’ said Alice, nervously.
‘Is that Andrew?’
‘No. Hang on, I’ll get him.’
Alice waited, wondering whether
she should put down the phone. Every second that passed made her doubt herself
just a little bit more.
What am I doing? What should I say to him?
‘Hello,’ said Andrew, and she
recognised his voice immediately.
‘Oh, hello. It’s Alice.’
‘Oh, Alice, hi. How are you?’
‘Fine,’ she said, but had no
idea what to say next.
‘Thanks for phoning,’ he said,
saving her. ‘I’m glad you did.’
She hoped Andrew would continue
the conversation, as she had run out of words.
‘So,’ he said, after a pause
which seemed to last for ever. ‘Would you like to go out sometime?’
‘Yes, I’d love to,’ she said,
grateful that the silence had been broken, but hoping she had not sounded too
desperate.
‘How about Wednesday night? We
could go for a meal. Do you like Chinese?’
‘Yes, I do, that sounds great.’
She could feel her heart pounding.
‘Well, I could pick you up at
about eight o’clock, if you give me your address.’
‘Okay.’ She dictated her address
and they agreed to meet.
When she put down the phone, she
couldn’t stop smiling. All the heartache of the past few weeks faded into
insignificance. She loved Andrew, and he loved her back. Nothing else mattered.
Chapter Fifteen
Monday 25th August 1997
Rob Bairns greeted Alice as she walked into the
bookstore. ‘Hello, Alice. So, is everything all right now?’
Her eyes widened. Rob smiled at
her sympathetically.
She walked over to the counter
avoiding his eyes; she could feel her face reddening. Was he talking about her
meeting with her parents? How had he found out? Had Charlotte mentioned to him
that she was looking for her father? Had he overheard their conversation? Had
he guessed that she had gone to visit them?
Paranoia infiltrated her
thoughts: ‘Um... What do you mean?’ she snapped back, nervously.
Rob narrowed his eyes at her,
and said, ‘You had the flu on Saturday. Are you feeling better?’
Alice breathed a sigh of relief,
and realised how absurd her suspicion had been that Rob would know she had been
to visit her parents on Saturday. She twisted around to face him and smiled
brightly. ‘Yes. It was terrible, I was in bed all weekend, but I’m feeling much
better now.’
‘Good,’ said Rob, with a frown
on his face, obviously now suspecting that she had lied about her illness. She
kept the smile on her face, hoping that would make up for it.
The memory of the meeting with
her parents was always there. If only it were possible to switch off the part
of her mind that held the memory, she would do just that. The night before, she
had lain awake in bed unable to sleep for a long time, thinking it over and
over. For the sake of her sanity she made the decision to stop worrying about
it; to accept their decision. They didn’t want to know her.
It upset her when she thought of
Jane, though. It was possible that her parents might use their influence to
brainwash her into believing that it would be wrong to keep in touch with her
sister. There was also the possibility that Jane might feel unable to contact
Alice, knowing her parents were so against it—torn between her loyalty for them
and her desire to get to know her sister. Alice felt it would be unfair to
force the issue; she would have to wait for Jane to contact her in her own
time.
The only sensible answer she
could see was to get on with her life with or without any further contact with
Jane or her parents. She felt almost mournful over the situation, as if some
part of her had died. Although she was aware she would have to try her best to
move forward, she had the feeling that she would always be looking back and
wondering why. It was something she was sure she would never be able to
understand.
‘Alice,’ said Charlotte, ‘do you
prefer this colour or this one?’
Alice snapped out of her deep
thoughts and saw that Charlotte had placed two lipsticks on the counter. One
was a dark burgundy colour and the other was cherry red. ‘Um,’ she replied, ‘I
think I prefer the darker one.’