Collected Plays and Teleplays (Irish Literature) (25 page)

TRAMP:
These poor whores has a lot of oul chat off be heart and they keep sayin’ it and sayin’ it and workin’ for it and workin’ for it. And what harm but it means nothin’ as far as I can see.

2ND ENGINEER:
Quacker, Quacker!

TRAMP:
I wonder who told them all them yarns.

(
An ant collapses, dying.
)

2ND ENGINEER:
Whot’s thon? Quacker, quacker!

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Blank tew three fore. Carry him off, quack! Tack away the body. Blank tew three fore!

2ND ENGINEER:
He died because he’s loyal, he died for the empiere of the Good Awnts.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
(
Shouting.
) Luft him up rieght and tack him out quack! Yew’re wastin’ time, d’ye see. Hurry, quacker!

TRAMP:
Well begob you can’t say he wasted anny time himself when he was dyin’. He passed out like a lighted match, the poor bastard.

2ND ENGINEER:
He died because he was tryin’ to keep in stap.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Ond now he’s a glorious awnt of immortal memory. Quacker! Blank tew three fore.

(
Enter a
POLITICIAN
,
groping, lost in thought.
)

POLITICIAN:
Get away now ond don’t talk to me. I’m thankin’.

2ND ENGINEER:
Thon’s our wee head Politician.

POLITICIAN:
Ah’ve got a grawnd idea for a new slogan. Don’t say a word, don’t mack any noise. I’m thankin’.

2ND ENGINEER:
Do ye mind that now.

POLITICIAN:
A grawnd . . . new . . . poleetical . . . slogan, d’ye see.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
A slogan that’ll mack them work horder ond be more hord-headed!

POLITICIAN:
A slogan that’ll mack them fieght ond be right ond be loyal ond keep in stap. Stop, now, I nearly have it!

2ND ENGINEER:
Be quiet, the Politeecian is thankin’.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
On thot’s what we’re bodly in need of—a grawnd new slogan, d’ye see.

POLITICIAN:
A slogan that’ll mack them join the Ormy in thousands and mullions ond hundreds of mullions of thousands, tans of thousands of mullions of mullions.

2ND ENGINEER:
Ond die in mullions to keep in stap.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Ond to show they’re hord-headed ond loyal.

POLITICIAN:
Och, it’s swirlin’ around unside my head, a grawnd new slogan, Ah’ll have it in a minit, don’t any-body say a wurd now.

2ND ENGINEER:
The Politeecian is thankin’ hord.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
He’s a grawnd genius, the Politeecian, Ah don’t know where we’d be without him so Ah don’t.

2ND ENGINEER:
He’s the greatest Politeecian in the whole wurld!

CHIEF ENGINEER:
He’s the most voluable thing we have.

2ND ENGINEER:
Shure if we hodn’t him we wouldn’t have war. Ond then we couldn’t be loyal ond hord-headed.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Aye, war. WAR! We’ll soon have war. Ond we’ll want thon new slogan.

2ND ENGINEER:
For to get mullions and mullions into the Ormy.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
The Green Awnts in the south will force war on us ond try ond mack us talk Lotin.

2ND ENGINEER:
Ond force it down the throats of the wee awnts.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Ond try ond mack them disloyal.

2ND ENGINEER:
Ond shame all our dead awnts of glorious ond immortal mamory.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
But us awnts’ll fieght ond us awnts’ll be rieght.

2ND ENGINEER:
Aye surely.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
(
Shouting suddenly.
) Quacker, quacker, quacker! Blank tew three fore! Get intil trainin’ because we’re goin’ to have war!

2ND ENGINEER:
War for our homes and our holy relugion!

CHIEF ENGINEER:
War against the dirty Green Awnts.

TRAMP:
Now don’t tell me there’s goin’ to be more slaughter. Can’t yez stop fightin’ and atin’ one another at all?

CHIEF ENGINEER:
It’s us or them, d’ye ondherstawnd?

2ND ENGINEER:
Thon’s a massinger comin’. A massinger!

CHIEF ENGINEER:
A massinger! With news of war!

(
Enter a
MESSENGER
.)

MESSENGER:
Ah beg to report, sir.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Ond what’s your massage, say it quack.

MESSENGER:
Ah’m from the Ormy G.H.Q., sir.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Well hurry on, what’s your massage?

MESSENGER:
The Green Awnts was chasin’ a sick beetle for to eat it.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Ond it came into our territory?

MESSENGER:
Yes sir.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
In clear defiance of international law.

MESSENGER:
Yes sir. Ond it died in our territory sir.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Ond they want us to give it back to them? Notwithstanding the fact that mullions of our own awnts are starving for the want of good food?

MESSENGER:
Yes sir.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Ond what did they say? What cheeky impartinent massage did they send about it?

MESSENGER:
This is it, sir.

(
Hands over a letter.
)

CHIEF ENGINEER:
What do the bostards say? (
Opens letter and reads.
) The Government of the Green Awnts prasants their compliments ond would like the parmussion of the Yellow Awnts to come intil their tarritory for to retrieve the dead beetle rightly belonging to the Green Awnts aforesaid. Signed by Deevil . . . Deevil so-ond-so. Well there’s not much in thon latter. They’ll get no permussion so they’ll not. They’ll get no permussion for to tack away the beetle. The beetle is our propty by international law.

2ND ENGINEER:
(
Coming forward and peering at letter.
) But what’s thon? There’s a P.S. there.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
A P.S.? Och so there is. What does it say? P.S. Eff ye don’t give permussion we’ll come ond get it anyway. Yours sincerely, the Green Awnts.

2ND ENGINEER:
A threat! An ultimatum!

CHIEF ENGINEER:
War! A holy war!

2ND ENGINEER:
Our exastince is threatened!

CHIEF ENGINEER:
A tarrible war to preserve our weemen and children. Call everybody to arms!

2ND ENGINEER:
Mobilise! To orms, to orms!

CHIEF ENGINEER:
The foul and patiless enemy is forcing us to defand ourselves. To orms!

(
There is general excitement and rushing about on the part of the ants. Several begin to appear with crude weapons. A strange and opulentlooking ant enters.
)

2ND ENGINEER:
Who’s thon?

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Who are you, sor?

STRANGE ANT:
(
In refined English accent.
) Matter of fact old boy I represent the Emperor of all the free ants and all that. Dropped into see you about fearfully boring imperial matters, imperial contribution and all that.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
(
Sullenly.
) We’ve ped all we owe.

2ND ENGINEER:
Ond we’ve kept in step, d’ye ondherstawnd.

STRANGE ANT:
Frightfully sorry but you must pay more, cost of living going up and all that.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
We’ve paid every penny we owe and delivered four mullion balls of food.

STRANGE ANT:
Not enough old man.

2ND ENGINEER:
It’s enough ond planty ond damn the more we’ll pay, d’ye ondherstawnd.

STRANGE ANT:
Magnificent dead beetle in your territory, must have that, you know, have instructions from higher up to annex it and attach it and so on. Food for the people in the Greater Ant Realm, fearfully important thing to keep them fed. Know how you feel and all that but it must be done, you know.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
(
Savagely.
) You’ll tack thon beetle over our dead bodies, so you wull.

2ND ENGINEER:
(
Very excited.
) We’ll die first, do ye hear, we’ll die first!

STRANGE ANT:
Do you mean war? Black shaow, war, you know. Fearful slaughter and bloodshed and all that. But rather glorious in its own queer way. Die for your country, you know. The supreme sacrifice. Altars and homes and all that.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Eff yew poot wun finger on thon beetle—

2ND ENGINEER:
Ye’ll be massacreed, d’ye hear.

STRANGE ANT:
By Jove I think this is treason! Treason. You are all frightfully Irish here.

2ND ENGINEER:
We’re loyal but we’re goin’ to keep thon beetle.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Is this the thanks we get for keepin’ in stup?

STRANGE ANT:
(
In delighted amazement.
) By George it’s a rebellion! These elements here are disaffected. Enemies of the Emperor of all the Ants! I say, this is quite a story! Really I must report back!

2ND ENGINEER:
Ye can go back to haal where ye came from!

STRANGE ANT:
An insurrection!

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Eff ye want war it’s war ye’ll get, d’ye hear.

STRANGE ANT:
If you start insurrecting, you knaow, we’ll have to put you down with a firm hand. Suspend habeas corpus and all that. Really, I think we are going to have war here! A BLOODY . . . NOBLE . . . AND DISASTROUS WAR FOR HONOUR AND DECENCY.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
To orms, to orms! We’re being attacked!

STRANGE ANT:
(
Going out.
) No matter what you give them these damn people aren’t satisfied. They’re really hopeless, you knaow. Must report all this nonsense. We’ll wipe the blighters out and restore order.

2ND ENGINEER:
(
Roaring after him.
) May ye roast in haal!

CHIEF ENGINEER:
To orms! We’ll fieght them ond the Green Awnts as well. We’ll fieght everybody!

(
There is great activity; soldier-ants rush all over the place, bugles blow, sirens sound.
)

TRAMP:
Well do you know what I’m goin’ to tell you. Do you know what it is. Them buggers is all mad. Down the road we have a dead beetle with his dirty bloody guts stickin’ out of him and all classes of bees and bluebottles tryin’ to ate him—a dirty useless-lookin’ sight. And these lads here wants to die for that. Nothin’ will do them but get slaughtered for a dead beetle. I’d die meself, of course, if I’d any reason to. I’d give me life this minute for a pint of porter and often risked me life for less. But a dead beetle! A DEAD BEETLE! Sure that’s a terrible reason for dyin’. The whole bloody lot of them is crackers.

EGG:
(
Shouting.
) Do you hear the mighty trumpets, the vast noises that announce my coming? The firmament resounds, I am nearly here!

TRAMP:
YOU’RE nearly here. Begob when you see what’s goin’ on here you won’t stay long then.

(
Activity among the ants has increased.
)

CHIEF ENGINEER:
(
Eloquently.
) Soldiers, friends, countrymen! We have to call the whole lot of ye to the colours. Not one wacked anemy is attackin’ us but TWO. The Amperor of the Awnts is attackin’ because we won’t give up our own beetle, ond them wacked Green Awnts is flyin’ at us too, some of them hardened speakers of Latin!

2ND ENGINEER:
We’ll have to call the weemen to the colours too. Ond the wee ants as well.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
At this great hour I have to proclaim meself Dactator!

2ND ENGINEER:
Three cheers for the Dactator!

TRAMP:
Good man yourself! Get out now and bate the lard out of them other fellas.

2ND ENGINEER:
We’ll fight for our altars ond our homes.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
We go to war proudly, seeking death or glory for our altars ond our homes ond the right to keep our own beetles, d’ye ondherstawnd. QUICK MARCH! I now assume commond of all our ormies. We fieght because we are attacked. I am with you till the last drop of me blood.

2ND ENGINEER:
We’ll all have to keep in stap with one another ond kill all them bustards that’s attackin’ us. We fight for the honour of our dead awnts of glorious and immortal memory. Quack march, to victory or death!

(
There is marching all about the stage, drums beat and bugles blow. A particularly large drum dominates the others.
)

CHIEF ENGINEER:
(
Screaming.
) Goodbye, now, soldiers, good luck, goodbye, fieght with all your might, never give in, shed the last drop of your blood, I’m here behind you all the time, make the world safe for your weemen and wee awnts, defand your altars and your homes, navver give in, navver NAVVER give in.

2ND ENGINEER:
Quack morch, blank two three fore! We’ll fight ond we’ll be rieght! The ormy is ready. Show no quarter!

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Slaughter the annemy’s weemen ond wee ones!

2ND ENGINEER:
Burn all before ye.

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Ond kill all them bustards that speak Lotin, d’ye onderstawnd!

(
Troops keep marching past on their way to the front. A
MESSENGER
rushes in.
)

2ND ENGINEER:
Wipe out everybody ye meet, tear the lights out of them Green Awnts. Ond them Red Awnts, do tham all in, roast them all in haal, cut them into wee bits, slaughter the whole domn lot!

CHIEF ENGINEER:
Onwards, soldiers, to the soop-reme sacrifice, die for your altars ond your commonder-in-chief. Ond for your weemen and wee awnts. Well, what do you wont?