Collected Plays and Teleplays (Irish Literature) (7 page)

KELLY:
(
Rising wearily.
) And small harm it would do us, Martin, the wheat is a bit backward.

CULLEN:
(
Going out.
) O, true enough. Good night.

SEVERAL VOICES:
Good night, now!

SHAWN:
(
On phone.
) Yes boy. I do, I do. Lovely, thick, nourishing grass, grand . . . green . . . fertile . . . sweet . . . lovely grass, sure I’ve eaten some of it myself, it’s food for man and baste, boy.

KELLY:
(
Producing his pipe and beginning to fill it.
) Town Clerk, we will have a word together in the morning about (
He numbers them on his fingers.
)—the coal fund—the grant for Patrick Street—the scavenging contract. We must look into these things. We must take our coats off. Too many cooks here. You and I must get something done. We will feel fresher for tomorrow and please God we’ll put our shoulders to the wheel.

TOWN CLERK:
(
Absorbed in his papers.
) I’ll be here all day. Any time you like. (
He looks over his watch and is startled; he rushes over to
SHAWN
and nudges him urgently.
) Gob, look at this crow, Come on out o’ that man! It’s ten to ten! IT’S TEN TO TEN, MAN! See you later, Chairman! (
He grabs his hat and rushes out.
KELLY
thoughtfully strikes a match and begins to kindle his pipe.
SHAWN
stands up still holding the telephone.
)

SHAWN:
(
Urgently.
) Well, goodbye, now, avic, I’m called away on hard . . . important . . . business. I’ll see you on Thursday, boy. Bye, bye, now.

(
He slams down phone, grabs his hat and rushes out with a ‘Bye, bye, Chairman.’
KELLY
grunts a reply. When they are all gone
THE STRANGER
comes down noiselessly and gives
KELLY
a great start by appearing suddenly at his elbow and beginning to talk in a very eerie colourless voice.
)

THE STRANGER:
I congratulate you. There was no doubt that I would get the job but nevertheless I congratulate you. Before many moons are past you will be a T.D. and every other wish you have will be gratified.

KELLY:
(
A bit agitated.
) Yes, quite. Quite. Good.

THE STRANGER:
I will supply money and votes and everything that is required. Your love for Mrs. Crockett will prosper. And now that I am a rate collector, there will be no undue comment about my staying in the town. I now have
locus standi
in the neighbourhood.

KELLY:
Quite. And as rate collector you’ll have charge of the register of electors. The rate collector idea was a smart one, if I may say so.

THE STRANGER:
Everything will prosper for you from this day forward. Have no fear.

KELLY:
Yes. Good, good. (
Pause. Kelly rises and backs towards door.
THE STRANGER
moving after him menacingly.
) If you stay there a moment, I’ll get the Town Clerk back to fix you up formally and give you the lists. He’s having a drink next door.

THE STRANGER:
Yes, that would be wise.

KELLY:
(
Backing out.
) I won’t be a moment.

CURTAIN

ACT II

Six weeks have passed.

Scene is the living-room of
MRS. MARGARET CROCKETT’S
house. The room is comfortable and furnished with taste but is being used as the headquarters of an election campaign and is on that account disarranged. Pinned to the back wall are two posters. One reads VOTE FOR KELLY AND A NEW BROOM. The other NOT FOR PARTY NOR PRIVILEGE BUT FOR COUNTRY AND PEOPLE—KELLY. There is a door, left back, and another (to other parts of house), left front. There is a window, back right corner. On a side table are boxes of envelopes and stationery, a few brass musical instruments and a megaphone. In a corner stands an enormous furled tricolour. There is a fire at side, right. At back is a large two-doored cupboard which, when opened, reveals shelves of delf, tea-things, etc. The latter must be constructed so that the entire inside of it is hinged in a manner that will permit the action detailed towards the end of the play.

A bell rings.
HANNAH
bustles in left, makes a frenzied attempt to clear up the litter, and then exits right. She is heard talking to someone off stage and in a moment re-enters leading
THE STRANGER
,
who is dressed as before but seems in a somewhat genial mood. It is evident that
HANNAH
and he are on good terms from previous meetings.
THE STRANGER
looks over at the election paraphernalia appreciatively.

THE STRANGER:
Well, it won’t be long now, Hannah. It won’t be long till we are rewarded for all our work. But we’re going to win. Remember that. (
He gives her a playful slap.
) We’re going to win! (
Puts brief-case on table.
)

HANNAH:
Do you know, you’re getting worse.

THE STRANGER:
Perhaps I am, but it’s the excitement of this election. Rate collecting is a bit dull. We’ll have a great party the night the results come in.

HANNAH:
(
Still trying to tidy up.
) Well, you won’t have it here because you know what herself thinks about drink. It was the drink killed her husband. You can bring a Mills bum and put it on the mantelpiece there, but God help you if you try bringing in a bottle of stout. Are you sure they’re going to make a T.D. out of poor Mr. Kelly?

THE STRANGER:
Of course we are. Everybody’s going to vote for Kelly. Wait till you see. They had a great meeting the other night.

HANNAH:
What about that necklace you promised me?

THE STRANGER:
(
Surprised.
) What? The necklace? (
Recovering quickly.
) O, you needn’t think I forgot about it. It’s waiting for you under that cushion. (
Points to divan.
)

HANNAH:
(
Not believing him but going to lift the cushion to make sure.
) Where—here? O, glory be to God! Glory be to God! (
Flabbergasted, she holds up a glistening necklace.
)

THE STRANGER:
What did I tell you?

HANNAH:
O, thank you sir. When did you put it there?

THE STRANGER:
(
Brushing the thing aside.
) Now, now, no questions. Is her ladyship up yet?

HANNAH:
She is, or she should be. She had her breakfast in bed an hour ago. (
She turns round on
THE STRANGER
accusingly.
) And if she’s not up before now it’s not her fault. She had another late night last night with your friend Mr. Kelly. I declare to God I don’t know what hour of the night or day he left because I went to bed. It’s not respectable, that class of thing. (
She pauses to reflect.
) It wouldn’t be so bad if they were married, of course. People think nothing of rascality and carry-on if you are married.

THE STRANGER:
Now, Hannah, Mr. Kelly left at a respectable hour and always does. I was expecting to see him here this morning. I’ve some extracts from the electoral register here to give him. He has a committee meeting here this morning. (
He takes a letter from his pocket.
)

HANNAH:
There’s nothing but meetings here. (
A bell rings.
)

THE STRANGER:
Ah, here he is now. That’s a real T.D.’s ring.

HANNAH:
It’s early in the morning he’s coming back then. (
She hurries out, right.
) I don’t believe he’s five hours out of this house, but sure it’s no business of mine. (
She returns almost at once, excitedly bearing a telegram.
)

HANNAH:
It’s a telegram for the missus! A telegram! (
She pauses in the middle of the stage on her way off, left.
) God between us and all harm, I wonder what’s in it.

THE STRANGER:
Good news, my dear girl, good news! Don’t be always expecting the worst.

HANNAH:
(
Going out left.
) Well, thank God I never got a telegram.

THE STRANGER:
(
Regarding poster on wall.
) ‘NOR privilege’—’NOR privilege’! That’s wrong. That ‘nor’ should be ‘or.’ ‘Or privilege’ it should be.

(
He walks over to the poster and passes his hand over it. Revealed to audience is the same poster but with OR instead of NOR. This can be done by having the ‘N’ printed on a separate slip of paper, lightly fastened to the poster.
)

HANNAH:
(
Re-entering excitedly.
) No, no, you needn’t ask me. Her ladyship keeps her good fortune and her hardship to herself. Wouldn’t even open a letter and read it in front of me. Waits till she’s alone.

THE STRANGER:
Well, I still think it is good news, Hannah. (
He looks at a watch which he takes from his waistcoat.
) I think I’d better go away and try to get some money out of the ratepayers, if it can be done at all. (
He picks up his brief-case.
)

HANNAH:
Well, we all have to do a bit of work some time.

THE STRANGER:
When Mr. Kelly comes, Hannah, will you give him these lists and tell him I’ll look in and see him tonight. Will you do that for me like a good girl?

HANNAH:
(
Taking the letter.
) He’ll get it safe and sound. (
She puts it on the mantelpiece.
)

THE STRANGER:
Well, goodbye, Hannah.

(
Exit
.)

(
Then
KELLY
walks in suddenly.
HANNAH
is tidying around the hearth.
)

KELLY:
Good morning, Hannah. Is Mrs. Crockett up yet?

HANNAH:
That man with the hat was here again this morning, Mr. Kelly. He was looking for you and left a letter. You just missed him.

KELLY:
I met him at the door going out. I had a word with him in the porch. None of the others have arrived yet?

HANNAH:
No sir. Here’s the letter, sir.

KELLY:
Thanks. Thanks, Hannah.

(
He sits down wearily and opens the envelope mechanically, showing no interest in the contents.
)

KELLY:
Mrs. Crockett isn’t up yet?

HANNAH:
Yes, sir, she should be here any minute. She just got a telegram.

KELLY:
A telegram? Who from?

HANNAH:
I don’t know, sir. She didn’t say, sir.

KELLY:
I hope it isn’t bad news.

HANNAH:
Oh, I’m sure its good news, sir. We mustn’t always be expecting the worst.

KELLY:
(
Sighing.
) True enough, Hannah. True enough.

(
There is a ring.
HANNAH
hurries out left to answer it.
)

HANNAH:
That’ll be the other gentlemen, sir, for the meeting. The missus should be down any minute, I don’t know under God what’s keeping her.

KELLY:
Ah, yes.

(
He takes some documents out of the envelope and begins looking over them idly.
HANNAH
re-enters followed by
TOWN CLERK
.)

TOWN CLERK:
The top of the morning to you, Chairman.

KELLY:
(
Wearily.
) Good morning, Town Clerk. Is Cullen or Kilshaughraun not with you?

TOWN CLERK:
No, Chairman, I left word for them to folly me here.

KELLY:
(
Rousing himself to a brisker posture.
) These lists I have here are very promising if Cullen has marked them right. Our enemy Cooper seems to be very weak, on this side of the country anyway. According to these lists, we have about four votes in every five. Now could that be right?

TOWN CLERK:
Yerrah, man dear, you’ll have more than that before the dawn of polling day, sure our campaign is only gittin’ steam up. We’ll have to bate the lard out of that Protestant that’s up against you.

KELLY:
Ah now, Town Clerk, where is poor old Christian charity? Have we forgotten that altogether in the heat of the campaign? Are the Protestants not Christians also?

TOWN CLERK:
Yerrah, that’s all me eye for a yarn, you won’t win any election with that class of talk.

HANNAH:
(
Who is pretending to be working but who stops every now and then to listen to the talk.
) I believe Cromwell was a Protestant.

TOWN CLERK:
He was, and a good one.

HANNAH:
And look at England that’s full of Protestants.

TOWN CLERK:
Ah, that’s a different thing. You’d be a damn fool to be anything but a Protestant in England. There’s a place and a time for everything, girl. What would you expect to find in the say only fish. It comes natural to them in England to be Protestants. But it’s a very unnatural thing in Ireland.

KELLY:
Some of my best friends are Protestants.

TOWN CLERK:
Hand me over those lists, Chairman, till I run me eye over them. With any more of this class of talk we’ll lose our deposit.

(
KELLY
hands them over with a wry smile.
TOWN CLERK
sits on corner of divan.
)

KELLY:
Well, indeed, it wouldn’t be any harm if Shawn and Tom Cullen hurried up till we get down to our meeting.

TOWN CLERK:
(
Reading lists.
) And the lady of the house, by the same token. (
Pause.
)

KELLY:
(
Rises and starts to pace room.
) Haven’t we two rallies on Sunday in Tobberglas after the last Mass and Knockaree at two o’clock old time?