Collected Plays and Teleplays (Irish Literature) (9 page)

(
He breaks off.
MRS. MARGARET CROCKETT
has just hurried in from left. She is a coarse, dowdy lady of about 35, somewhat stout and vulgarly dressed. She pauses as she enters, astounded at seeing
CAPTAIN SHAW. KELLY
stands silent, ignorant of what the position is.
)

MARGARET:
(
To
SHAW
,
excitedly.
) What, James? YOU!

(
She hurries over to shake hands. He rises with well-bred sang-froid and suddenly becomes somewhat stern.
)

SHAW:
Hullo, Margaret. How are you?

MARGARET:
Very well, James. How are you?

(
KELLY
begins to come forward.
)

SHAW:
Quite fit, thank you, Margaret, quite fit. And you’re looking in the pink yourself. I sent you a telegram. Did you not get it?

MARGARET:
I only got it this morning a short time ago. I thought you’d be on the seven train in the evening. I could have sent the car if I knew you were coming.

SHAW:
Ao.

MARGARET:
It’s a great surprise to see you, James. I don’t think we have seen each other since Daddy’s funeral and that’s a long time ago.

SHAW:
I believe you’re right, Margaret. And that is quite a time, isn’t it? By the way—(
He pauses and glances round at
KELLY
and the
TOWN CLERK
.)—by the way, Margaret, I should like to talk to you about something very important.

MARGARET:
(
Coming between
SHAW
and
KELLY
.) Yes. You know these gentlemen? They are friends of mine, very special friends—(
Indicating
KELLY
.) This is the Chairman of the Urban Council in person. And this is his officer, the Town Clerk. (
She turns to
KELLY
and indicates
SHAW
.) This is my brother, Captain Shaw.

(
KELLY
and
TOWN CLERK
are astonished.
)

KELLY:
Your brother! I didn’t know you had a brother, Margaret. You never told me.

TOWN CLERK:
Well, do you know, there’s a family resemblance there all right.

MARGARET:
(
Smiling.
) Well, you know, out of sight, out of mind. I haven’t seen James for nearly eighteen years. James lives in England and has lived there nearly all his life. (
She becomes anxious suddenly.
) There’s nothing wrong, James, is there? (
Sits on divan.
KELLY, TOWN CLERK
and
SHAW
sit.
)

SHAW:
Ao, nao. I just dashed across to have a talk with you, Margaret. A heart-to-heart chat, you know, old girl.

KELLY:
Ah, yes. I see. I see.

TOWN CLERK:
Ah, sure the family tie is a grand thing.

SHAW:
Black Show, all right, breaking up of the home and the scattering of the family and all that. D’you know, I feel quite a foreigner here. And yet I’m Irish, aren’t I?

TOWN CLERK:
Yerrah, Captain, wait till you get a drop of the good ould creature into you. That’ll make you feel Irish again, that and a good feed of Cork crubeens.

SHAW:
Ao, really?

KELLY:
(
Rising, with an air of briskness.
) Now, Town Clerk, this is no place for us. Family conferences as I understand them must be conducted in strict privacy. Any other person, intimate friend of the family though he be, must in no circumstances intrude or violate that intimate and sacred privacy. Captain Shaw, I hope and pray I will have the pleasure and the privilege of meeting you again before you depart from our midst. (
SHAW
and
MARGARET
rise.
)

SHAW:
(
Bowing.
) A great pleasure, I am sure, old man.

TOWN CLERK:
Well, we’ll skidaddle, me an’ the Chairman. Let ye have ye’r talk here in peace. (
He moves to door, left.
)

MARGARET:
Well, it’s a shame to be pushing you out like this but James doesn’t come to see me everyday.

SHAW:
Yes, you chaps, rather black shoe crowding you out, you know, but I want to talk to my sister here about a blighter called Kelly. The old girl hasn’t been behaving very sensibly, I’m afraid. A very bad hat, I’m told.

TOWN CLERK:
(
Astounded.
) Well, glory be to God!

(
KELLY
has stopped in his track at the door and turned round, gaping.
)

MARGARET:
James!

KELLY:
What?

MARGARET:
James! What are you saying? This is Mr. Kelly. (
KELLY
steps back a few paces into the room.
)

MARGARET:
(
Coming over excitedly between
KELLY
and
SHAW
.) James, what on earth do you mean? This is Mr. Kelly.

KELLY:
My name is Kelly. (
He strikes his breast.
) I’m Kelly!

SHAW:
Ao, I say, look here——

MARGARET:
(
Shrilly.
) James, what nonsense is this you’re talking? Mr. Kelly is a friend of mine. Has some scandal-giver in this town been writing to you?

TOWN CLERK:
Begor, I wouldn’t put it past Reilly.

SHAW:
(
Stiffening.
) Margaret, kindly stand aside. (
He approaches
KELLY
,
gently pushing his sister out of the way.
) Do I take it that you are the same Kelly who is going forward as an Irish M.P.?

KELLY:
(
Defiantly.
) I have been persuaded by friends that it is my duty to offer them my services as their representative in Doll Erin.

SHAW:
Very good. Then we know each other, we know where we are. Allow me to tell you, sir, that you are a cad.

MARGARET:
(
Distressed.
) James!

SHAW:
(
Ignoring her.
) Do you hear me? A cad, a rotter and a bounder!

KELLY:
(
Angrily.
) How dare you talk to me like that! How dare you!

SHAW:
I have not finished with you, sir. I have called you a cad. I now call you an unspeakable cur.

KELLY:
(
Shouting to
MARGARET
and striding past
SHAW
to the other side of the stage.
) What the devil is this all about? How dare you use language like that to me! Margaret, what is wrong with this man?

SHAW:
(
Facing sternly to
KELLY
again.
) Kindly leave my sister out of this. You have damaged and destroyed her fair name enough already. If you were a younger man I should invite you to step outside. What your type of person wants is a damn good hiding——

TOWN CLERK:
(
Coming forward uneasily.
) Now for God’s sake we don’t want any fightin’. What we want is explanations. Explanations.

MARGARET:
(
Retreating and collapsing in despair in armchair near fire.
) O, my God!

KELLY:
(
In a hard, low voice.
) You say that your name is Captain Shaw. Very good. I am trying to keep my temper. I demand—and at once—an explanation of your last calumnious and insulting utterance. Otherwise I will have to consider asking the Town Clerk to call a Guard. I will have you given in charge for criminal libel!

MARGARET:
(
Moaning.
) O dear, dear, dear.

SHAW:
I’ll tell you very briefly what you are, you cad. My sister, Margaret, does not understand the world. You have destroyed her good name. You have spent whole nights in this house. You have given her the reputation of . . . a jezebel . . . a prostitute. . . .

MARGARET:
(
Her voice rising to a scream.
) James!

SHAW:
(
Continuing steadily.
) You have given her the reputation of a prostitute in her own town, you low bounder. You have extracted money from her. You have made her the tool of your greed for power and position and for that social standing—for that social position—which always seems so attractive to a low country public-house keeper. You have made her the tool of your vulgar and nauseating bid to become an Irish M.P.

KELLY:
(
Very quietly, and turning away from
SHAW
.) I ask God to give me the grace to control my temper.

MARGARET:
(
Rising up angrily and confronting her brother.
) James, you ought to be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. How dare you talk about me like that? How dare you say I am an evil woman!

SHAW:
I said that this rotter has given you that name in this town.

KELLY:
(
Exploding.
) How dare you! How dare you!

MARGARET:
And what do you mean by walking into this room and making wild and base attacks on Mr. Kelly, a gentleman you never saw before in your life? Who told you those lies?

KELLY:
What poisonous tongue or pen has been sowing discord and slander and calumny?

SHAW:
Have you spent nights in this house up to five and six in the morning? Have you received large sums of money from my sister? Did you cash a cheque of hers for forty pounds last Thursday to pay a printing bill?

TOWN CLERK:
Mrs. Crockett is de Treasurer of de Election Committee. We put de election funds into de bank and den de Treasurer writes de cheques.

SHAW:
Who the devil are you?

TOWN CLERK:
(
Sweetly.
) A mimber of the gineral public.

MARGARET:
(
To
SHAW
.) You have disgraced me and yourself.

SHAW:
Now, old girl, you please keep out of this disgusting business. I am here because it is my duty to be here. I am your brother and I am the head of the family——

MARGARET:
You have never since I was born—since I was born—done anything but meddle with me—and tell tales on me—and interfere with me. (
Her voice rises hysterically.
) You tried your best to have my own money bottled up with trustees, you tried——

SHAW:
Now, for heaven’s sake don’t make a scene. (
The door bell rings.
)

KELLY:
(
Going over to console her.
) Now, now, Margaret. Leave this to me. Everything will be all right. (
Leads her to armchair at fire.
)

SHAW:
You get away from that lady! Do you hear me, you cad!

(
HANNAH
enters, stands flabbergasted for a moment, says ‘Glory be to God!’and exits right to answer door.
)

KELLY:
(
Fiercely.
) I’ll take no orders from you, you wretched English bully, you impudent pup.

TOWN CLERK:
(
To
SHAW
.) Now, Mr. Shaw, as a bystander, I can tell you that you’re making a holy show and a terrible exhibition of yourself.

SHAW:
Who the devil are you?

TOWN CLERK:
A member of de general public.

(
Voices are heard outside.
HANNAH
enters looking flustered and followed by
CULLEN, KILSHAUGHRAUN
and
REILLY. KILSHAUGHRAUN
with a thick ‘Bail o Dhia annso isteach!’ crosses the stage to an armchair left, throws himself heavily into it, crosses his legs comfortably, grins with good-humour on the stormy scene, and sets about filling his pipe.
CULLEN
stops in surprise near the door.
REILLY
,
who knows something and does not feel very safe, retreats to the background near the
TOWN CLERK
and endeavours to be as unobtrusive as possible.
HANNAH
crosses the stage as if to go off left, but in fact stands near the door listening. There is a few seconds’ silence broken only by the sobbing of
MARGARET. SHAW
is surveying the newcomers with distaste.
)

CULLEN:
What’s the matter? What’s up?

KELLY:
You may well ask. You may well ask what’s the matter.

SHAW:
(
To
CULLEN
.) Who are you?

TOWN CLERK:
(
Sweetly.
) He’s a mimber of the gineral public.

SHAW:
This place is like a railway station. Margaret, what is the meaning of this? Have you no sense of shame?

KELLY:
Shut up, you bosthoon!

MARGARET:
(
Hysterically.
) How dare you speak to me like that! (
She struggles to her feet and faces
SHAW
.) How dare you tell me what to do in my own house, and who to ask into it!

KELLY:
Hear, hear.

SHAW:
Don’t be so damned theatrical, Margaret.

MARGARET:
But I know who to have in this house and who not to have. I know who to order out! Get out—you! Yes, you! You! Do you hear me? (
Her voice rises to a scream.
) Get out! Get out! (
She breaks down and rushes over to
HANNAH
.) O, Hannah!

(
Pause.
HANNAH
takes her and leads her out left. There is a long awkward pause.
)

CULLEN:
What in the name of God is going on here?

TOWN CLERK:
We’ve all met with misfortune. A fair man has come to us from across the sea. With very bad news.

KELLY:
This whippersnapper, believe it or not, is a brother of Margaret’s.