Authors: Sandra Kitt
Jason hesitated. “There’s nothing to tell, Carol. I guess I’m just tired. I realize tonight was …” He couldn’t think how to say it. “Look, maybe I’d just better go.”
“You’ve been edgy and absent all evening,” Carol observed, standing with her hands on her hips and looking at him with her head tilted. “And if you were really here, maybe there would have been a chance for me to really talk with you. Only, I don’t think it would have made a difference.
“You know, all evening I felt as if there were someone else with us, particularly in bed. Someone else you were trying to make love to. I didn’t like the feeling, Jason. I didn’t like being a substitute,” Carol said softly.
Jason lifted a hand helplessly before it dropped again. He couldn’t go into it. He couldn’t take the chance again. Not after Peggy. “It’s just that … I’m having a bad time at work.”
“Are you sure that’s all?”
He nodded. Then he looked at her. “I’ll call you, Carol,” he whispered.
“No, Jason. Do us both a favor. Call me when you want to see me, not when you need to work off some frustration.” Then she opened the door, blew him a kiss, and gently pushed Jason through the opening.
In his ancient car, feeling rather ancient himself, Jason rode aimlessly around Brooklyn. It was almost two. He thought of calling Leah and quickly dismissed the idea. What would he say to her? Instead he found a bar and quietly sat in a corner drinking and smoking and staring blankly into space. Jason was oblivious to the coaxing glances of the two ladies sitting several stools away.
Finally he drove home, and in the dark of the apartment he recalled the whole, long, miserable day.
“Damn you Spano,” Jason muttered in the dark, angry that someone so meaningless to him had managed to get under his skin. He was angry and he didn’t understand why. Things were happening to him that he’d never experienced before, and he didn’t understand any of that, either.
When Jason called to remind Leah about dinner at Joe and Nora’s house, she was no longer sure she wanted to go. Jason had sounded as if he, too, was rather sorry that he’d accepted the invitation. They had not seen each other in more than two weeks, and the phone conversations had not been satisfying.
Leah felt defensive. Maybe it had to do with not being flattered any more at being carted off to Jason’s team events, surrounded by sweaty teens, smelly equipment, and uncomfortable chairs. Maybe it was because she felt hidden among the other refuse of Jason’s daily life—just another one of “his” as that jerk Spano had suggested. Maybe because she sensed that Jason was in hiding, too, that somewhere he’d stopped dealing with her openly and she was just another warm body in his life. Maybe Gail had been right after all, and the novelty had worn off—because her color certainly wouldn’t.
Every day Leah didn’t see Jason was a day she was prepared for their relationship to end. In a way she wanted it to, so she could stop wondering what it was Jason wanted from her, so she could stop wondering what they were becoming. Maybe they hadn’t really made that decision at all. Maybe it had just happened.
They were cool to each other when Jason picked her up for the drive out to New Hyde Park. She wore a dusty rose linen sheath dress. She wore her hair loose and full, making her face seem small and her eyes enormous. The pink of the dress made her skin look velvety smooth and soft and rich. When he saw her he had sudden memories of New Year’s Eve. For a moment he just wanted to hold her slender body close to him and forget about dinner, forget about the world.
Instead they climbed into his car for a stiff, almost completely silent ride out of the city. The gap widened between them.
There were eight other people at the house besides Joe and Nora. As Jason walked into the house everyone screamed, “Surprise,” and the light switch was thrown off and on rapidly. Leah had not known this was to be a birthday party, and when Jason turned to look at her questioningly, as if she’d had a hand in this, she merely shrugged.
They got separated early on as Jason was obliged to spend time talking to his hosts, guests, and friends. Leah didn’t seek him out during the evening, and he chose to interpret that as meaning she didn’t want to. One young handsome black man, a lawyer Jason knew from court, took it upon himself to keep Leah company.
Ross Bennett was very nice and he was interesting, but Leah could barely keep her mind on what he was saying, feeling false as she smiled and laughed at the appropriate moments.
None of this was lost on Nora, who had known the moment Jason and Leah walked in the door that something was wrong between them. Nora and Joe had exchanged looks. “Uh-oh,” they’d both muttered in unison.
There were not so many people that Jason couldn’t have found a moment for Leah, or that she couldn’t have joined any of the small groups he moved among as he held court. But more than stubbornness and pride kept them apart.
“Lord, Lord …” Nora tsked to Joe. “I told that girl she and Jason couldn’t just be friends for long.”
“And I told Jason to be careful and not think with his—”
“You hush up,” Nora scolded, cutting Joe a telling look. “I’m very fond of Jason, but if he hurts that child, so help me I’ll whip his behind myself!”
Nora had provided plenty of food and booze. Leah was glad to see that unlike New Year’s, Jason didn’t seem inclined to drink freely. Later, there was a huge cake with gaudy pink, blue, and yellow iced flowers. Despite his avoiding her, Leah was pleased to see that Jason was very touched by the attention and time Nora and Joe had taken on his behalf. He engulfed the other woman in a tight, affectionate hug.
“You’re too good to me, Nora.” Jason kissed her cheek.
“I’m not the only one,” she answered caustically. “I think you’re worth it, Jason. Just don’t prove me wrong.”
Jason blushed and pretended ignorance of her meaning.
It was well after midnight when Leah and Jason left to drive to Brooklyn. A box with the remains of his birthday cake was balanced on her lap.
“Did you have a good time?” Jason asked.
“It was pleasant.”
“I noticed you got along well with Ross Bennett.”
“Did you?” Leah asked indifferently.
“Do you like him?”
Leah looked at Jason pointedly. “He was the only one who spared me any time.”
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t just sit in one place, stay with you. I had to spend time with everyone,” he explained calmly.
Silence prevailed for the next mile.
“Ross is a nice guy. He’s a real straight shooter.”
“He seems to be,” Leah sighed impatiently.
They were five miles from her house.
“I suppose he asked you out,” Jason said quietly.
“Who?”
“Ross.”
Leah was hurt. “What if he did?”
Jason shrugged. “I don’t mind, you know.”
Leah turned her head to stare in bewilderment at Jason’s profile. “Well, I don’t care if you don’t mind,” she said, her anger building.
Jason turned to look at her as he waited for a light to change. “I’m only saying I understand that you want to date other people. I understand—”
“You don’t understand a thing, Jason. Ross Bennett is black, is that what you’re trying to get at? Are you trying to fix me up with one of my own kind?”
The car pulled up in front of her house, and Leah immediately got the door open. “Happy Birthday, Jason. Good night.”
“Hey, wait a minute,” he said in irritation. “Why are you so angry? What did I do? What the hell is going on with everybody?”
Leah faced him, her face stiff with anger but her real feelings and fears well hidden.
“Color isn’t an issue when men begin to act like assholes. When you’re being stupid, you’re all pretty much the same.”
Leah thrust the cake box in his arms and got out of the car. “Don’t worry about what’s going on. I’ll make it easy for you;
nothing’s
going on anymore.”
She slammed the door and ran up the stairs to the house.
“Shit!” Jason exploded in rage. He hit his fist against the steering wheel. Then he angrily tossed the cake box into the passenger seat, unmindful of the damage to its contents. He heard Leah’s front door slam.
For a moment Jason considered going after her, but instead shifted into drive and pulled away from the curb with a screech.
“Fuck it,” he said through clenched teeth, wondering why he had even bothered at all.
T
HE PERFECTLY MODULATED VOICE
at last announced American Airlines flight #507 departing gate thirty-one for Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. Leah stood up and gathered her handbag and carry-on tote. She checked to make sure she had her boarding pass and, taking a deep breath, turned to Allen and Gail. She had not had much to say to either of them coming out to LaGuardia, and even less to say now as she was about to leave.
A red angora beret was pulled down over her thick hair, matching the high turtleneck sweater she wore with black pants. Her coat, designed and sewn by her sister, was thrown over an arm. Gail was standing to the side, shifting from one foot to the next with impatience. She’d been angry that Leah had gone ahead and arranged to visit their father without including her. They’d planned to travel to Chicago together for a week sometime during the Spring or Summer, but in the last five days Leah had made her reservations, taken ten days off from work, and concluded her plans before Gail ever knew what was happening. All the arguments and shouting afterward did nothing to make Leah change her mind.
“I don’t want your company,” Leah had told Gail. She wanted to be with the one person in the world she knew wasn’t going to judge her.
Allen took Leah’s carry-on bag, and the three of them headed to the security check. Leah was just as happy that he and Gail couldn’t go beyond this point.
“I really don’t understand why you’re doing this,” Gail said, her personal grievance overshadowing them all. “Why couldn’t you wait two more goddamn weeks so I could go, too?”
“This trip is for me. There’s nothing to stop you from planning your own trip later.”
“You’re just being selfish.”
“Yes, you’ve said so several times,” Leah reminded Gail. “I just want some time to myself, away from New York.”
“And me? This is pointless. Don’t you know you can’t run away? He’ll still be here when you return,” Gail said bluntly.
Her alluding to Jason immediately caused the tension to surge through Leah again, as it had for the past several days of reliving her last meeting with him. There was a tightening in her chest that threatened her breathing. She was getting away not a moment too soon. Perhaps everything would still be in place when she returned to New York. But it was also possible that she would have changed and it wouldn’t matter.
“Thank you for your insight,” Leah murmured. Gail turned away impatiently as Leah took her tote from Allen. “Thanks for the ride to the airport. I appreciate it.”
Leah could see that her appreciation only embarrassed Allen. He’d listened to the exchange between the two sisters and obviously knew he had no place in their argument. Leah could tell that Allen wished that Gail would just let the whole thing drop. And it wasn’t her problem if he was uncomfortable with the subject.
Allen knew about Jason. When Gail had first told him Leah was dating a white man, his reaction had been one of affront, as if she was doing this to him just to get even. Leah could well imagine that Allen had felt betrayed and angry. What could Leah see in a white man? A cop, of all people? Why would she do this to herself, and to her friends and family? Leah grimaced and shifted her coat on her arm. She’d been betrayed, too.
Allen shrugged. “No problem. If there’s anything else I can do—”
“There is. Get Gail out of here before I get violent.” With that Leah said good-bye and passed through the security check.
From the time she boarded the plane until she disembarked two hours later in Chicago, Leah remembered nothing of the flight. She was emotionally and physically exhausted, and sat silently in her seat. The last several days had been a nightmare of anger, hurt, recriminations, and sleeplessness. Everything had gotten out of control.
By all dictates of good sense Leah knew that she had gotten herself into an impossible circumstance. But she was already emotionally attached to Jason and couldn’t seem to get around that. And despite the suspicions that had caused them to rail at each other the night of his birthday party, her feelings had not changed. Things would have been so much easier if they had.
Her father met her at the baggage claim. Melvin Downey gave his daughter a bear hug and warm kisses of welcome. Sixty-eight years old, he was the same height as his daughter, but had gotten a little round in the middle since retiring from a federal job a number of years ago. His smooth brown face was without lines, and although his hair line had long since receded, he still had very little gray hair. Only the full mustache was heavily peppered.
Leah felt an immediate sense of security, of safety, and finally began to relax. She felt as she had as a little girl. If something had disturbed her, she had automatically come home so that Daddy could make it all right. She never doubted that he could then, and that was exactly what she hoped for now.
For the first few days she did nothing more than be with her father, reestablishing her relationship with him and becoming the daughter again. She passed peaceful hours listening to her father talk about the changes in the family—cousins and aunts and uncles—changes in the neighborhood and with people she’d known since childhood.
Leah indulged him by cooking large, rich meals her father would never trouble with for himself, living alone as he did. She filled his freezer with her baked rolls and breads, casseroles, and meats. Her father laughed at all her fussing and finally confessed that he had a friend who made sure he ate properly.
It had never occurred to Leah that her father would ever consider having a relationship with a woman since her mother had died. In his gentle way he informed her that not only was it possible, it was a relationship he enjoyed. Leah was surprised. Not by any jealousy or threat on hearing that her father had a girlfriend, but by the twinge of envy. Everyone in her family seemed happily involved with someone. Everyone but her.