Come Alive (12 page)

I
opened my mouth, gulping for air. “I don’t know. He’s helping out with the Oak
Park house.”

Her
eyebrows joined. “Isn’t that weird?”

“Of
course it’s weird, but you were there after the wedding. What was I supposed to
do when Andrew brought it up? Forbid them from seeing each other? That wouldn’t
raise a red flag
at all
.”

“Well,
look. He’s with
Dani
now anyway, right?”

“Seems
that way,” I said, directing my scowl at the table.

“So
let her have him. If he’s going to break someone’s heart, I’d rather it was
hers than yours.”

I
smiled so she wouldn’t notice my dejection.

“Speaking
of the house,” she continued, “any news?”

“We
should hear back any day now.”

“Are
you ready for all that?”

“I
don’t know, I guess so.” My conversation with David, fresh in my mind, hadn’t
given me any answers. But as usual, opening up to him was easy and left me
feeling better. It also left me more confused.

“Well,
I hate that you’ll be leaving the city, but I am excited for you. This is a big
step.”

I
nodded. “You’ll come visit, won’t you?”

“Of
course,” she said, but her smile waned.

CHAPTER
11

BURGUNDY
LEATHER AND DARK WOOD made up Bill’s office, and it smelled intentionally rich.
Sturdy, essential-looking volumes lined the room like wallpaper. It had been a
few nights since my dinner with Gretchen, and I hadn’t seen much of Bill that
week because of a big case. Knowing he was in for another late night, I’d
decided to surprise him.

“This is a treat.” He rounded the mahogany desk
to embrace me. “Everything okay?”

“Yep. I haven’t been here in a while, so I
thought I’d make sure you’ve still got my photo up.”

He plucked a frame from his desk and showed it
to me. It was from the one time I had agreed to go on the fishing boat, and we
were smiling from behind sunglasses and goofy hats.

“Great,” I said. “So I’ll stop by again next
year.”

“
Har-har
.” He pulled
me back into his arms. “Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I have something to
tell you.”

“Okay,” I prompted.

“I just heard back from Jeanine about the house.
We didn’t get it.”

“Oh.” I exhaled loudly. I felt simultaneously
relieved and disappointed. “Why not?”

“She didn’t say, but she’s going to find out and
get back to us.”

“Well, that sucks,” I said.

“Yeah it does,” he agreed. “I’m sorry.”

I looked down at his arms around me. “It’s not
your fault. You were so sweet to go through the trouble. Thank you.”

For some reason, the tense way he rubbed his
eyes made me feel overwhelmingly guilty. I’d spent late nights trying not to wish
that life away, and maybe on some level I had willed it. Was this my fault?

“I know we’ll find something else,” he said.
“I’m just so tired of this whole process.”

“Maybe we should take a break for a while,” I
suggested.

“No, I don’t want to do that.” He paused for a
deep sigh. “How was your day?”

“It was all right. I missed you.”

He smiled. “Me too. Speaking of fishing,” he
said, gesturing to the photograph behind him, “Hugh and the guys invited us on
the boat next weekend. Interested?”

“Gretchen’s party is that weekend. I mentioned
it a couple days ago.”

“Oh. I don’t remember that. I’ll tell them no.”

“No, it’s okay. You should go, sweetie.”

“Without you?”

“I won’t be any fun without Lucy, and she’ll
still be on her honeymoon.”

“True. What about the party?”

“Well, maybe I’ll go with Gretchen and Greg.
Gosh, that is so weird to say. I still cannot believe they’re back together.”

“Which one is Greg?”

“Honey, seriously? I also told you this the
other night.
Greg, from college.
The one who ditched
Gretchen to move to Japan.
”

“Yeah, sorry. I’ve had a lot on my mind with
work and the house. That’s exciting, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Just don’t get your hopes up.”

“Why?”

“You know her. She’s a floozy.”

“A floozy?” I repeated.

“Come on, she’s always with a new guy. If I knew
this Greg, I would warn him,” he said with a chuckle.

“You would not. This is different for her.
They’re like college sweethearts.”

“Whatever,
Livs
, I
don’t want to talk about Gretchen. Are you sure you don’t mind that I go
fishing?”

“No,” I said, clearing some hair from his face.
“I don’t mind. Tell them yes.”

“Great.” He kissed my cheek. “You’re the best.”

“Do you want to go get dinner?”

“Shit, I really can’t. If I don’t keep on track
I’ll have to come in this weekend.”

“Okay. I’ll see you at home then.”

“
Liv
?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m really glad that you’re, uh, doing better.
I hope losing the house won’t change that.”

“Um.” I felt the color leave my face. I could
only think of one terrible reason for the change. “Yeah,” I said. “I mean no. I
don’t think it will.”

“Good.” He kissed me on the cheek again and
glanced at the closed door. “Also . . .”

“Yes?”

“It’s been a while since we . . . You know.”

I nodded in agreement. “It has been a long
while.”

“Think we could give it another go?’

“Of course,” I agreed. “Now?”

“No.” He laughed.

“Why not?” I touched his crotch, and his
shoulders stiffened.

“
Liv
, no,” he insisted, trying to push my hand away, but I was
already undoing his pants. I raised an eyebrow and backed away to lock his
door.

“I’m
not sure this is a good idea . .
. ,
” he protested.

“The
office is almost empty,” I pointed out.

I
went to sit on his desk when he stopped me. “Jesus, not on the legal briefs.
The couch.”

He
walked over and lay lengthwise across it. I climbed up and settled into a
straddle over his hips. His hands gripped my hips before bunching up the fabric
of my skirt.

“Honey,”
I said, leaning over so we were face to face. “I want to go slow.”

“I
would like that, too.” He pecked me on the lips. “And finally no condom,” he
whispered, tucking some hair behind my ear.

“Well,
there were a couple times in the beginning.”

“But
you always freaked out halfway through.” We laughed and pecked again. When I drew
back, his smile had fallen away. He pressed his lips to mine, holding me by my
nape. I felt the passion behind his kiss, but there was something ghostly about
it
;
a shadow of a kiss, a kiss that seemed to go right
through me. It made me feel suddenly tired and dry, like my eyes had been open
for days.

He
ran one hand up my blouse and massaged my breast. My nipple swelled into his
palm, and he put it in his mouth. His lips kissed down my sternum, and he sat up
to urge me onto my back. His mouth continued over my belly until finding its
way under my skirt. I could count on one hand the number of times that he’d
gone down on me, so I gasped when his mouth closed over me.

“How’s
that?” he asked after a moment, glancing up at me.

“Fine,”
I exhaled. “Actually, you can be less . . . gentle,” I instructed tentatively.
I can do this
, I thought.
I can make this happen.
I reached down to
spread myself wider and circled my other hand over my clit.

I can do this,
I recited
to myself. I remembered Bill as my boyfriend, my fiancé,
my
husband. We had history. We had a present and a future. His touch was familiar;
it was just for me, and mine was for him. I bowed my back and moved my hand
faster, frustrated that my body didn’t respond the way I wanted it to. “Finger
me . . . Yes,” I breathed when he touched me. “More.”

“More
what?”

“More
fingers.”

“Are
you sure?”

“Yes.”

It
took a moment until I felt the pressure. I was still rubbing myself, and he
pulled his mouth away to watch.
Come on,
come on
, I pleaded. After what felt like ten minutes, but what could have
been two, I told him I was ready.

He
was over me in a moment, groaning as he entered me. “Shit. Why don’t we do this
more often?” His face distorted with pleasure as he found his rhythm. He kissed
his way down my neck, and then up to my jawline. I appealed to the ceiling,
praying for more than what I had to give.

But
my body was still broken.

I
wasn’t sure what inside of me had surfaced that night with David, but it wasn’t
present now. An orgasm wasn’t even within reach. As Bill worked on top of me,
sadness settled inside of me.

“Oh,
babe,” he said between gritted teeth. “I can’t wait, I’m so sensitive. I’m
going to come.”

“Bill,”
I uttered, gripping his arms. “Pull out.”

“What?”
he exhaled. “Why?”

“Just
pull out,” I said, feeling panicky.

He
dropped his head into the crevice of my neck and breathed hotly onto my
collarbone. “Oh, God.”

“Bill,
don’t come inside me,” I said more forcefully.

“Aren’t
you . . . Shit,” he cried and sat
back.
He grabbed
himself and rubbed his crown against my stomach, groaning until liquid heat was
spurting over my skin.

“That
was hot,” he said between heavy breaths. “You are so hot.” He leaned over to
kiss me before pulling on his pants. He passed me a tissue. “You’re on birth
control. Why’d you want me to pull out?” he asked as I wiped away the
stickiness.

“I
don’t know,” I said honestly. “I just got nervous.”

“That
was a rush though, huh?” He yawned. “Imagine if someone had caught us? I
would’ve been toast.”

I kissed his nose and got dressed. When he yawned
again, I told him he was coming home with me. He readily agreed.

~

When I received
an e
-mail from David
telling me how much he had enjoyed our ‘friendly’ walk, I knew exactly how he
felt. The simplicity of our time together was refreshing. And when he asked if
I wanted to do it again, I was ashamed of how little I hesitated before
replying that I did.

I met him downstairs after work. Even though I had
spent the afternoon convincing myself that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I
still scanned the lobby to make sure there wasn’t anyone I knew.

His arms were crossed over his broad chest as I
approached. “Good evening,” he said with a wide, contagious grin.

“Good evening,” I repeated. I walked out through
the lobby door when he held it open.

“You’re nervous,” he said.

“Maybe a little.”

“I don’t make you uncomfortable, do I?”

“No,” I said. “I just feel like I’m doing
something wrong.”

“We’re just two friends walking,” he reminded me.

I nodded. “It’s nice, just walking.”

“Yes, just walking is nice. But I can think of
nicer things.”

I blushed and bit my bottom lip. I could also
think of nicer things. When he winked playfully, I pretended to search for
something in my purse to hide my embarrassment.

The city was our soundtrack for the first few
blocks. As the
sun set
, the evening grew colder, and I
buried my hands in the pockets of my jacket.

“What are your plans this weekend?” he asked
eventually.

“I’m thinking of going to the animal shelter.
It’s been a while since I volunteered.”

He smiled. “Of course. I remember that you like
to walk the dogs. Where do you take them?”

“Usually just down to the water or the park. The
shelter isn’t far from my apartment.”

“Lincoln Park?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll be there this weekend. My parents are
driving in, and we’re taking my sister’s kid to the zoo.”

“That sounds really nice.”

“We’re barbequing in the park afterward.” He
went to say something else, but stopped himself.

“Oh. Will
Dani
be
there?”

He chuckled. “I was wondering when you’d bring
that up again.”

“I’m just curious.” I hazarded a casual shrug.
“Like, has she met your parents?” I asked, fingering a lock of hair.

“You think we’re more serious than we are.”

“When
was
the last time
you went out?”

He cleared his throat. “A few nights ago.”

“A few nights?”

“Yes.”

“After I saw you? But you and I . . . We walked,
and . . .”

“And what?”

“Nothing.” I watched the sidewalk disappear
under my feet. After a moment, I said, “I forget how good you are at that.”

“At what?”

“Juggling women.”

“I wasn’t
juggling women
.
We’re just walking, remember?”

I nodded. “But you do . . . juggle women.
Because you’re a player.
Aren’t you?”

“So you keep saying,” he said. “You called me
that at the Meet & Greet that night.”

“But isn’t it true?”

He smiled. “I don’t have time to pursue women.”

“You could be pursuing someone right now instead
of walking with me.”

He covered his heart with his hand. “Ouch. But
yeah, you have a point.”

“So if you don’t pursue women, does that mean
you and
Dani
are in a relationship?”