Come Alive (4 page)

“Never mind,” I said, getting up and righting my
underwear.

“Seriously? What do you want?”

“I want you to know what I want.” My stomach
knotted, and I swallowed.

“I thought I did.”

“I’m sorry, I’m drunk.” I backed away and
stumbled over my dress. “It’s my thing, it’s not you. I’m really sorry.”

“Babe, the sex . . . I know it’s been a while .
. . but you don’t mean that, do you?”

I closed my eyes and rubbed them. “No. No, of
course not.” The world moved behind my lids, and my jaw tickled. “I’m sorry,” I
repeated and took off for the bathroom.

He called after me. I scrambled to my knees and
leaned over the toilet seconds before throwing up.

“Oh, shit,” I heard behind me as Bill gathered
my hair in his hand. “Did you eat anything at dinner?”

I shook my head into the toilet and released a
stream of pink liquid. I sat back against the wall and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

He crouched down beside me. “It’s all right. You
had too much to drink, huh?”

I nodded.

“I’ll get you some water.”

I let my head fall into my hands. I was awash
with shame for spurning him and for letting the alcohol incite memories of
David all night.
I just want it to end. I
want to rid myself of David and of everything I’ve been holding inside.
The guilt, the shame, the lust, the longing
.
When I was hit with another wave of nausea, I
gripped the toilet and vomited every last thing inside me.

~

I’m running, but I’m not
moving. I’m being chased, but my legs are heavy.
Impossible
to lift.
The leadenness rises up my arms and settles in my chest,
strangling me from the inside out. And someone’s hands are around my neck. My
chest is collapsing, and I am gasping, rasping for air . .
.
.

I sucked air in suddenly, and my eyes flew open.
When I couldn’t move, panic filtered through me until I realized why. Bill was
holding me. It had been a while since he had, so I fought the urge to break
free and move to my side of the bed.

“
Liv
?” he murmured
sleepily.

“It’s all right, just another nightmare,” I
said.

“Hmm? Nightmare? Must be the alcohol.” He pulled
me closer, and I sighed, yielding to him.

CHAPTER 4

I PULLED THE
ZIPPER UP over my ribs and wondered if I could get away with wearing a shawl. I
was already cold in the revealing dress and up until now, I had been
consciously disguising my weight loss. I remembered Lucy’s serious expression
as she had warned us about altering our bridesmaid dresses in any way, because
she wanted the three of us looking identical as we stood next to her.

“Where’s
Liv
?” I heard from the next room.

“In here.”

We were at Andrew’s behemoth of a house in Winnetka, taking up a few
rooms in the ‘east wing,’ as Andrew’s mother had called it. I leaned into the
mirror and gave my makeup
a
once-over. Because my face
had become thinner, my eyes looked even larger than normal. The deep Bordeaux
gown perfectly complemented their shade of green and the dark honey color of my
hair.

Lucy had hired professionals to transform the four of us for her big day.
She was the glowing princess while Gretchen,
Dani
and
I were sultry triplets. We donned identical messy chignons and dramatic makeup,
with wine-colored pouts to match our dresses.

I swiped a lipstick smudge from the corner of my mouth. In the day’s
chaos, it had been easy to avoid my thoughts. But now I braced myself against
the vanity table. Tonight I would see David again, and I had no plan. I could
see beads of sweat forming on my upper lip just thinking about it.
Good,
then. Perhaps I won’t need a shawl after all.

Gretchen breezed
in,
still dressed in one of the
red satin bridesmaid robes we’d all received. She halted when she saw me. “
Liv
,” she said, passing her eyes over me. “You’re really skinny.”

“Stop,” I said, crossing my arms into myself. “Don’t look at me like
that.”

She walked over and pulled on the armhole of the dress. “This is big. I
knew you’d lost weight, but this is too much. I can like,
see
your ribs.” She ran a finger over my chest that left chills in its wake.

“You cannot,” I countered, puffing up. “I just know I’m going to be cold,
though. Do you think Lucy will let me wear something over my shoulders?”

“After this weekend, will you please go talk to someone? You’re depressed.”

I reeled back at the accusation. “I am not depressed. Yes, I’ve lost
weight, but I have been working
a lot
.”
And how can I eat when I feel
so sick to my stomach all the time?

“Don’t make me call your father. I will, I swear.”

I scowled and turned sideways in the mirror, which only made it worse.

“Otherwise you look beautiful,” she commented in a softened tone. “Your
skin is literally flawless.”

“You’re making me blush,” I said. “Go get dressed.”

Lucy’s glossy brown locks were twisted up and away from her face, not a
single strand astray. Her dress was simple, with delicate, beaded cap sleeves
and a fitted bodice that emphasized her small waist. I was surprised and
thankful when she didn’t comment on my weight. Instead, she told us all that we
looked perfect and that she was honored to have us in her bridal party. We met
at the window and watched the gathering crowd from the second floor. The
sprawling lawn was vibrantly green, and guests followed a walkway lined with
candles to their seats.

“Are you ready?”
Dani
asked, touching Lucy’s
shoulder. “I think it’s time.”

“Lucy,” I said, as everyone left the room.

She turned and linked her arm with mine.

“I’m sorry about what I said the other night.”

“I know,” she said, her smile genuine.

“I don’t really think you’ll be disappointed. You guys will be so happy.
I’m not sure why I said what I did.”

“It’s no big deal. Andrew and I are meant for each other, and we know
that. That’s all that matters.”

I nodded, but something about the confidence in her voice gave me a
sinking feeling.

Downstairs we found the wedding planner that Lucy had finally broken down
and hired. She led us to where our corresponding groomsmen were waiting. I’d gotten
Bill into a tuxedo. The fabric hung nicely from his tall, slender frame because
I’d insisted that he see a tailor. He extended his hand to me, and I slipped
into place comfortably beside him.

“You look gorgeous,” he whispered in my ear as we waited behind Gretchen,
whose arm was linked with Andrew’s brother.

“Thank you.” I rose up on the balls of my feet and kissed his crooked
nose. “Our turn,” I whispered, stepping forward. I squeezed his hand with the
intention of hanging on to it all night.

~

The ceremony was
Lucy-style perfect, without any glitches or awkward pauses. We all clapped and
grinned giddily when they kissed, Lucy more than anyone. After congratulations
were dealt, we, as a bridal party unit, broke off from the crowd for pictures.
Having kept my eyes glued forward, I hadn’t seen David during the ceremony. I
hoped he had changed his mind about showing up.

I became colder with the sun’s descent. Bill was making humorless jokes
with Andrew’s brothers that grated on my nerves. Once again, his touch was
unwelcome; I wished for a bottomless glass of wine and an oversized sweatshirt
to hide under.

We entered an enormous white tent that glowed with soft light. The guests
appeared to have become thoroughly buzzed while they’d waited for us.

As I caught up with Lucy’s parents, Bill found me and handed me a glass
of water even though I had only wanted wine. He put his arm around me, and I
stiffened so noticeably that he removed it right away.

“Lucy tells us you’re looking for a house,” said Lucy’s mom.

“
Liv’s
been swamped with her promotion, so it
was on the backburner,” Bill explained, “but we’ve just started up again.”

“It’s a grueling process, isn’t it?” she asked. “I would love for Lucy
and Andrew to settle into somewhere more practical.”

“Hey.” Lucy’s dad tugged on his wife’s sleeve.

“What?” she asked. “I’m in the middle
–
”

“Look at Danielle,” he said. She turned slightly, giving me a clear view
across the tent.
Dani’s
adoring gaze was fixed on
David as he gestured to the group around them. Even in the outdoor tent, the
room lit up around him, intensifying his dark, grave features. Recognizing him
instantly, my heart vaulted from my chest, clawing against the ribcage that so
cruelly separated it from where it wanted to be.

As if he felt my eyes on him, he looked up and met my stare. It was just
us
again in that moment; the crowd was merely a conductor of
our crackling energy. It was like seeing him for the first time but with the
knowledge that he had felt me in a way that no one else ever had.

His expression remained as passive as mine. My senses were stolen by his
presence, and I didn’t have the wherewithal to smile politely or acknowledge
him in any form. I didn’t look away as I had the first night we’d made eye
contact but held his gaze instead. My body responded to the memory of his
touch, craving him like a drug, instructing me to reach out and consume him. To
take him into my bloodstream so he could once again kill the pain and warm me
from the inside.

He flinched and blinked
–
once, twice
–
before
looking away and leaving me cold. My breathing was labored and ice cubes rattled
in my glass, but I could barely hear them over the heartbeat in my ears.

“Don’t you agree, dear?” Lucy’s mom asked with an expectant look.

I nodded and swallowed dryly, emitting a small noise.

Bill waved me off and said something else to her. My disobedient eyes
gravitated back to David. He sported a
perfectly-tailored
tuxedo and looked the same as I remembered: relaxed, easy and painfully,
bring-me-to-my-knees handsome. Not nearly as distraught or sleepless as I felt,
which wasn’t surprising since in bachelor time, our liaison was ages ago. His
jet black
hair was styled with precision, and I could see
from where I stood the smoothness of his square jaw. It was seeing his chestnut
brown eyes and the sexy cleft of his chin again that almost did me in. His
hands in his pockets strained against the fabric of his expensive suit.
Dani
tugged on his sleeve, but he stared distractedly at
something beyond her.

My legs tensed with the urge to run away, but I was
loathe
for him to know how he still affected me. When
Dani
giggled and looked at her feet in response to something he’d said, I seized
Bill’s hand, causing him to freeze mid-sentence. That was when I noticed David
steal a furtive look in my direction. I’d almost missed it, but it had happened.

~

I wrung the paper
in my hands and then immediately smoothed it out.

“Nervous?” Bill asked.

“No.” I hadn’t been until my audience had fallen away, leaving only one
person to hear my toast. If I’d been blind, I still would have seen David; he
was a beacon in the sea of faces.

“You’re up,” Bill said, motioning that I should stand.

The room became silent, and I scrambled up to look out over the crowd. I
touched my earlobe gently and took a deep breath.

“I’ll keep it short and sweet, like our bride here,” I started. I glanced
down at the piece of paper and then back at the room. “How do you know when
you’ve met ‘the one’? Do both hearts suddenly change rhythm, syncing to form
their own beautiful symphony? Do you see yourself,” I paused, dropping my eyes
to the champagne flute in my hand, “suddenly exquisite and irresistible through
their eyes? Does love become something tangible, something that others can see
but only the two of you can touch?”

I glanced down at Bill, who smiled encouragingly at me, and I set my hand
on the back of his chair. “I don’t think anybody can answer that because for
everyone, it’s different. Andrew and Lucy are meant to be. Period. There aren’t
two people more perfect for each other. When Lucy told me one night that she
wanted to spend the rest of her life with Andrew, I said, ‘Duh, tell me
something I don’t know.’” A light laugh rippled through the crowd, and I raised
my glass. “I love you both, and I am so honored to be a part of tonight.
Cheers.”

I dropped into my chair and crumpled the paper in my hands. It wasn’t the
speech I had written, but the words weren’t hard to find. They were within
reach, right in front of me.