Come as You Are (48 page)

• Again with varying numbers of fingers, and with different pressures and speeds, tug upward on the clitoris, from the clitoral hood.

• With whatever variation on fingers, speed, and pressure you want to try, flick upward from just under the head of the clitoris.

As your arousal level changes, notice and observe what happens to your body. Don’t try to make it change. If you notice that your brain starts whirring away at anxieties or fears, notice that, too, know that you can worry about all that some other time, release those thoughts, and return your attention to the sensations inside your body.

6. Keep breathing. As you experience sexual pleasure, your muscles will contract, and often people find themselves holding their breath or breathing more shallowly. Periodically check in with your breathing, relax your abdominal muscles, and allow yourself to breathe.

Don’t try to make anything happen, just allow yourself to notice what it feels like and let your body do what it wants. If you feel worried that you’re losing control of your body, relax into that fear, reassure yourself that you’re safe, know that you can stop anytime you choose. And of course, if it gets to be too much, feel free to stop anytime you like. The more you keep going, the more the pleasure and tension will spread through your body, and it will cross some intense threshold, and explode . . . eventually.

If you’re learning to orgasm with a partner, do all of this alone for a week (or three), then do it with a photo of your partner sitting beside you. Do that for a week (or three). Then do it with your beloved partner on the phone or in the next room. Then with them in the room but far away, in the dark, blindfolded, and facing the other way. Gradually increase their proximity and even the light.

Once you’re orgasming with your partner on the bed with you, begin showing what feels good to you—you can even use some variation on the exercise described in the previous chapter, for couples with desire differences. Move your partner’s hands on your body to show what you like.

And always, notice if you’re getting frustrated and remember that you are already at the goal state: pleasure.

appendix 2: extended orgasm

Extending and expanding your orgasms is a kind of meditation. If you’ve never meditated in nonsexual ways, it might be easiest if you begin by practicing outside the context of sexuality. Here’s how.

Begin with a simple breathing exercise like the one I describe in the spectatoring section.

Inhale through your nose for five seconds.

Then exhale through your mouth for ten seconds.

Do that eight times, for a total of two minutes.

As you breathe, your mind will wander to other things. That is normal and healthy! The point is not to prevent your mind from wandering but to notice when that happens, let those thoughts go for the moment, and gently return your attention to your breathing.

The breathing is good for you, but the noticing that your mind wandered and returning your attention to your breath is the crucial skill.

Do this every day, and gradually you’ll notice yourself noticing what you’re paying attention to all the time. Once that’s happening spontaneously, you’re ready to begin moving toward extended orgasm.

When you’re ready, create a context where you have lots of time on your own (or with your partner) without interruption or distraction. You’ll need an hour or two—and if you’re thinking, “I don’t have an hour or two to have an orgasm,” that’s totally fair! Extended orgasm is the sex equivalent of running a marathon. You can be as healthy as anyone needs to be and never run a marathon. Just jog a few times a week, that’s great! But sometimes you have the opportunity to set an ambitious goal and dedicate some time and attention to it. Whether it’s a marathon or ecstasy, it’s always a choice you make, depending on what fits your life.

So. Create a context. And begin with the breathing exercise for two minutes, practicing returning your attention to your breath when it strays.

Then begin a little sensory exploration, paying attention to how your body feels, using all the techniques in the therapeutic masturbation approach (appendix 1).

Imagine that arousal happens on a scale of 0–10, where 0 is no arousal and 10 is orgasm. Start at 0 and allow your arousal to grow up to 5, which is definitely turned on, definitely interested.

Then back down to 1. Allow the tension in your muscles to dissipate.

Go up to 6, and then back down to 2.

Of course, as you go through this process, notice when your attention strays to outside thoughts, let those thoughts go, and return your attention to the sensations of your body. And don’t forget to breathe.

Up to 7, down to 3.

7 is pretty aroused. By the time you get to 7, your body may become reluctant to stop moving toward orgasm. This is where the crucial skill of taking your foot off the accelerator without putting it on the brake comes in. Just turn off the ons without turning on the offs. Allow your muscles to relax, allow the arousal to dissipate softly.

Up to 8, down to 4.

Up to 9, down to 5.

9 is a very, very high level of arousal, and your body is very much on the train at this point. It wants to move forward to its destination. So it may be difficult, on your first attempts, to relax your abdominal, thigh, and buttock muscles enough to ease your arousal down. When you do, you may experience a kind of spreading warmth or tingling. Whereas fast orgasms are generally focused right in the genitals, these slower orgasms spread out over your whole body. Let that happen.

Still notice when your thoughts stray and return your attention to the sensations in your body.

Up to 9
¹
/
₂
, down to 6.

9
¹
/
₂
is the bittersweet screaming edge of orgasm. At first, it may be you find it difficult to take pressure off the accelerator. Feel free not to the first few times you try this—the worst that can happen is you’ll have an orgasm!

But once you learn the knack, allow your arousal to reach 6, go back to 9
¹
/
₂
, then down to 7.

You’ll need to make a deliberate effort to ease tension away from your abdomen, buttocks, and thigh muscles, because that tension can push you over the edge. As you relax, you’ll sense the arousal spreading from your genitals, radiating into the rest of your body.

Back to 9
¹
/
₂
, down to 8.

Back to 9
¹
/
₂
, down to 9. By now, you’re constantly hovering around orgasm, holding yourself at the peak sexual tension your body can contain. That’s extended orgasm. Congratulations! With practice, you can stay there as long as you like, as long as your body can sustain, always noticing what you’re paying attention to and gently nudging your attention toward your body sensations. You’re a bit like a bathtub at this point, where the tension is trickling into you at exactly the same rate that it’s going out. If it begins to trickle just a little bit more quickly than it’s going out, you’ll cross the threshold and release. If it begins to drain just a bit more quickly than it’s trickling in, you’ll drift away from the peak. There is no such thing as failure here, only different kinds of success, because it’s all intense pleasure.

This whole process might take forty-five minutes or an hour, and there will be Feelings, make no mistake. And even if you don’t have an extended orgasm, you’ll still have loads of pleasure!

The great thing about ecstatic pleasure is that it cannot coexist with shame, stress, fear, anger, bitterness, rage, or exhaustion. Practicing ecstasy is practicing living outside all of those things, learning how to release them. It’s as good for you as vegetables, jogging, sleep, and breathing.

about the author

JON CRISPIN

EMILY NAGOSKI
is Director of Wellness Education and Lecturer at Smith College, where she teaches Women’s Sexuality. She has a Ph.D. in health behavior with a doctoral concentration in human sexuality from Indiana University (IU), and a master’s degree (also from IU) in counseling, with a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute Sexual Health Clinic. She also has a B.A. in psychology, with minors in cognitive science and philosophy, from the University of Delaware.

While at IU, Emily worked as an educator and docent at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. She also taught graduate and undergraduate classes in human sexuality, relationships and communication, stress management, and sex education.

She is the author of three guides for Ian Kerner’s
GoodInBed.com
, including
Guide to Female Orgasms
, and she writes the popular sex blog
TheDirtyNormal.com
.

Emily lives in western Massachusetts with two dogs, two cats, and a cartoonist.

LEARN MORE AT
WWW.THEDIRTYNORMAL.COM

@emilynagoski

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