Authors: Mila Gray
‘And Jessa?’ he asks, giving me a sideways glance
before focusing his attention somewhere on the middle
distance.
‘Um,’ I stammer, my heart starting to race. Is it a trick
question?
‘Have you seen her?’ he asks. ‘I’m assuming so.’
I can’t lie. ‘Er. Yes, sir,’ I say.
A grin tugs at his mouth. ‘She tell you to get lost?’
I laugh under my breath. ‘She might have done.’
He grins wider. ‘That’s my girl.’
Yeah, I should have guessed he still wouldn’t be happy
about me going anywhere near his daughter.
‘Damn it, though,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘Not sure
what she sees in that kid Todd. Starting to wonder about
her taste in men.’
My head flies up. He doesn’t like Todd? The know-
ledge enters my bloodstream like a drug, making me far
happier than it probably should. I try to hide my smile
because really, what does it matter that he doesn’t like
Todd? He doesn’t like me either.
‘Listen, I’ve got a story for you, Ryan.’
I look at him sideways. What the fuck is going on? This
man has hated me for years, and now here we are at the
graveside of his son, shooting the breeze, telling stories
like we’re old buddies? Has he lost the plot or something?
Has he taken one too many Zoloft?
‘I’ve never shared this with anyone, except of course
with Riley on one of our many one-sided conversations.’
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He tips his head at the grave. ‘They’re pretty cathartic,
aren’t they?’ he says, giving me a pointed look.
Oh shit. He heard. I wince and look away, automatic-
ally scanning the cemetery for the nearest exit point.
Where’s this conversation heading? Is this whole friendly
routine just a way of drawing me in like a fish on a line
before he clobbers me on the head with a rock?
‘I was once in love,’ he begins, grabbing my attention
back instantly. ‘I was about your age. This girl − ’ He
pauses and takes a deep breath in before letting it out in a
long exhalation. ‘She was the most beautiful woman I’ve
ever seen. She took my breath away. All I wanted to do
was make her happy.’ He glances at me. ‘I would have
walked over hot coals for her.’
I double take. Those were exactly the words I used to
him about Jessa. Does he remember? Is that why he’s
throwing them back at me?
‘She was the love of my life, and I lost her. It was
during the Balkan conflict. There were things I saw in that
war that will stay with me forever.’ He glances across at
me. ‘I think you know what I’m talking about. Things you
can’t put a name to, things you can’t talk about to other
people, least of all your family.’
I give him a small nod. I do know what he’s talking
about, but it’s still weird for me to discover we have any-
thing in common at all, let alone that we share something
like this.
‘For a while I couldn’t stand to be around people,’ he
goes on. ‘I stopped writing to her. I couldn’t put words
down on paper, couldn’t make sense of what was in my
head.’
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I fall silent, holding my breath. He could be describing
me. The strangeness of his confession, how exactly his
story mirrors my own, is spinning me out.
‘I said a few things I’ll always regret and pushed her
away until the point came where she broke up with me.
She sent me a letter, told me it was over. Damn near broke
my heart. For a year she was all I could think about. I
didn’t look at another woman, couldn’t think about
another woman. But I didn’t call her either, didn’t write.
My pride was too wounded. And I was too messed up.’
He pauses to look at me. ‘Sound familiar?’
I don’t nod but I don’t shake my head either.
‘But when I get back home I have it all planned out.
I’m going to make things right with her. I’m determined
to find a way to get her back. I’ll do whatever it takes.
And so I go over to her house and what do I find? She’s
dating someone else. And not just anyone. My best
friend.’
I let out the breath I’ve been holding. It all makes sense
now. The photograph of him and my dad on the wall in
the garage. The comment my dad made about my mom
and Jessa’s dad. The pieces fall into place with the kind of
staggering alignment I can only imagine blind people
experience when they get their eyesight back.
‘Yeah, that’s right,’ Kingsley smirks. ‘Your father was
one charming son of a bitch. I’ll give him that. He moved
in there the moment he saw she was free. He’d always
had his eye on her, and your mother, like I said, was
beautiful, like a movie star, turned heads wherever she
went.’
He smiles to himself sadly and my gut writhes as
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though a nest of snakes just woke up. Holy shit. This is
too much information too fast. My mom dated Jessa’s
dad? And they loved each other? But . . . he’s such an ass-
hole. What the hell did she see in him? Then I remember
Jessa telling me her dad didn’t always used to be this
way. I recall the picture of my dad and him when they
were about my age, how much fun they looked like they
were having. Maybe he wasn’t always such an asshole
then. It’s like discovering there is an end to the universe;
truly mind-melting.
‘I was so goddamn mad at him,’ he continues, not
seeming to notice my shock, ‘I didn’t even bother to fight
for her. And you know, if I’d buried my stupid pride and
told her how much I loved her, she would have broken
up with him and come back to me. Because what we had
− ’ he looks at me, his eyes so bright and clear they
remind me of Jessa’s − ‘was something you don’t find
every day. It was real. But I didn’t fight for her. I walked
away. And I raged about it for a few weeks and drank
myself stupid until my father took me aside one day and
told me to man the hell up and to go after what I wanted.
He told me I was letting another man take what should
be mine, and that the best things in life are things you
have to fight for. That’s what makes life worthwhile, he
said. So I did. I went around to your mother’s house and
I told her that I wanted to marry her, that if she became
my wife I’d spend the rest of my life trying to make her
happy, and you know what? I know she wanted to say
yes. Because she loved me. Don’t get me wrong − I know
she loved your father. But not like the way she loved me.
We were different. We were that one in a million.’
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I’m struggling to comprehend everything he’s saying,
and I’m angry too because he’s suggesting that my mom
loved him more than she loved my dad and I don’t want
that to be true. ‘So why didn’t she say yes, then? If she
loved you so much?’ I ask.
‘Because she was pregnant with you.’
The fog dissolves. I finally get it; I understand why he’s
hated me all these years, why he hates my father. I’m
what kept them apart.
‘So do you see what I’m saying to you?’ he asks, inter-
rupting the thoughts that are flying around my head like
debris after an explosion.
‘No,’ I say.
‘My God, you
are
stupid. What the hell does she see in
you?’
I think that’s supposed to be rhetorical, so I stay quiet.
‘My daughter loves you,’ he says in the face of my
silence. ‘I admit I wasn’t exactly thrilled when I found out
you two were dating, but I can’t stand here and let Jessa
screw up her life. She loves you,’ he says again. ‘And if
I’m not mistaken, I heard you telling Riley that you still
love her.’
‘It’s too late,’ I mumble, echoing Jessa’s words.
He huffs loudly. ‘Did you not hear a word I just told
you?’ He shakes his head at me, exasperated. ‘You were
wrong about one thing, you know. About me not know-
ing my daughter. I’ve been watching her these last nine
months. She’s been mourning not just Riley but you too.’
He takes a step towards me and lowers his voice. ‘I saw
the girl she was blossoming into when you were around.
She’s lost that bloom, Kit, that light in her eyes. I want
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you to give it back to her. God knows, I helped put it out
too and I’m trying now to make it up to her. She’s all I’ve
got left.’
He swallows and I watch him struggle to get his emo-
tions under control; his eyes brighten with tears. ‘And if
you don’t,’ he says to me, ‘you’ll spend the rest of your
life regretting what could have been, wishing you’d had
the guts to fight that little bit harder. Believe me.’
‘I’ve tried,’ I say, trying to get my head around the fact
he’s no longer warning me off Jessa but telling me to fight
for her. ‘She’s not interested.’
‘Are you a goddamn marine or not?’ he suddenly
roars.
My back straightens automatically and my heels click
together before I remember that I’m not any more. ‘No,
sir,’ I answer. ‘Not any more.’
He does a surprised double take at the news but then
dismissively shrugs the comment off. ‘Once a marine,
always a marine,’ he tells me. ‘And marines never god-
damn quit.’ He takes a step towards me and pokes me in
the chest with his index finger. ‘You get back in the ring.’
‘Yes, sir,’ I shout back.
He nods at me, seemingly satisfied, and I breathe out,
feeling dizzy all of a sudden. What the hell did I just
agree to? Then I see that he’s right. Of course he’s right.
What the hell was I thinking? I’m a stupid idiot. He’s
right. I pat my pockets, searching for my keys, my phone.
I need to go. I need to find her. I spin around and head for
the exit.
‘Oh, and Kit?’
I turn back. Kingsley’s standing with his hands on his
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hips, looking vaguely triumphant and a lot more like the
Colonel Kingsley of old.
‘I have a room full of trophies back at the house −
remind me to show them to you some time,’ he says.
Hah. ‘Got it,’ I shout, grinning before breaking into a
jog.
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Jessa
Once I finish the call with Todd, I switch off my phone
and throw it onto the passenger seat, and for a few min-
utes just sit behind the wheel of my car staring into space.
I feel hollow and empty, like a buoy floating on open
ocean alone and untethered.
The one thing I learned after Riley’s death was that I
could either sink or learn to swim again, but now I realize
there’s also a third option − floating. Life might be easier
if I don’t try to fight it and instead just let it pull me
along. Floating was what I did before Kit, and it’s also
what I’ve been doing with Todd. It seems like the easiest
option. It certainly doesn’t take much effort.
I start the car and pull out of the lot. I don’t have a
destination in mind, I just feel the need to drive, and
unconsciously, when I hit the freeway, I take the route
east, heading in the same direction Kit took that first
night when we went stargazing out in the desert. I
wonder what subconscious thought is pulling me in that
direction and wonder if it’s really the best idea to churn
up more memories when I’m trying to forget him, but
because I’ve decided just to go with the flow of things, I
keep driving.
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About two miles out of town, though, I see a sign for
the cemetery where Riley is buried, and on a sudden
whim I throw the car across three lanes and take the exit,
ignoring the blast of horns from the cars I cut up.
I drive slowly into the parking lot. I’ve only been to
visit a couple of times since the funeral. When I think of
Riley, I don’t like to think of him dead, lying in a coffin
beneath the ground. I like to think of him alive, so when I
want to feel close to him I go to the places where he used
to hang out: the beach, the pier, the basketball court. I
spend time with baby Riley.
Climbing out the car I think about Kit, wondering if I’ll
see him before he leaves. Maybe it’s all for the best if I
don’t ever see him again. What good could possibly come
of it?
I’m walking with my head down, so I don’t notice the
person standing in the way until I bump into them.
‘Sorry,’ I mumble and try to walk around them, but
they step sideways and block my path. I look up, and all
the breath leaves my body in a rush, leaving me swaying