Commitments (4 page)

"Not an original line/ he snapped. ''ve heard it ' from my glib ex-colleagues who've traipsed out re looking for a scoop,'and it doesn't hold water. kersville is in the middle of nowhere - par for the urse for prisons.' ' homes for the severely retarded/ Sabrina added ith her chin tipped a fraction higher. Forthrightness emed her only weapon

-against the bitterness she d. ''ve been in Vermont visiting a residential nter that may be suitable for my son. Parkersville as along the way. It seemed a waste to be so close Vand not stop.' Derek's mask slipped, and she knew that in some fashion or other she'd reached him. She didn't know whether he would question her about the child, didn't know whether he'd give half a damn, what with the horror of his own life. He had every right to tell her to take herself and her problems through the nearest set Of bars and leave him alone. But he didn't. His tone mellowed. It didn't exactly warm, but it lost its caustic edge. ' is he?' She swallowed. '? Fine. Uh, okay.' '

look exhausted/ he said even more quietly. ' that what "okay" is doing to you?' ''s more than a full-time job.' She studied her thumb as it tugged at her palm. Head bowed, she allowed for the flicker of a frown.

"Your story was good, Derek. I watched that first airing. I wanted to tell you, but somehow ...' She gave a vague shrug. ' passed. I had other worries. You had other worries.' Frowning more deeply, she turned her head and whispered, ', that sinells awful.' Derek followed her line of sight along an acrid trail to the nearby duo who were smoking up a storm. ' rest of the world is giving it up. Not here. It's something to do, something to look forward to. No one cares if we kill ourselves.' Sabrina's head came around sharply. We. it didn't seem right that he should be one of them. She didn't see him as a criminal. But he did identify with the prison population. She was trying to figure out how closely when his scar caught her eye. Like Hester Prynne's scarlet letter or the mark of Cain, Derek had his scar. Its jagged edge disrupted the line of his face. Its color was that of subdued anger. It was the intrusion of violence into civility. It was symbolic of a nadir in his life. upset her. She felt an urgent need to touch it, to n it, to wipe it clean. Riding on that impulse, she a hand - but seconds shy of the contact, she Derek's eyes had darkened to broadcast a Danger. Do not touch. Curling her fingers a fist, she dropped the fist to her lap. y am I here? Because you understood, and I ted to talk ... the rest of

-the prison as hot as this?' she blurted ostly., e looked around at the others in the room. ''m rised.' ou expected to find prisoners freezing in their s?' he asked, then took his time answering. ''t work that way. Segregation units are cold, but t's to make it worse when they strip you downand you in. The rest of the time they figure that if make you sweat, it'll zap your strength., He eyed levelly. ' want docility.' She supposed she could understand that - the docilpartPage 12

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

Trying to think positively, she asked, ' you outside much?' -1 get yard time.' ,,She glanced at the windo*. ''s been a horrid ter."

,,-'Have your husband send you south. He can afford She smiled sadly, rubbed her arm, shook her head. ' can't afford it?' Derek asked. ', he can, but I can't go.' ' of Nicky.' She paused, then made a tiny gesture with her head Ahat passed for a yes. ' old is he now? 39

"Thirty-four months., ''s nearly three.' The smile that had been sad turned contrite. ' months sounds better. More babylike. He's still pretty much a baby., ' progress?' ' is relative, I suppose. He doesn't choke so much when he eats.' ' do the doctors say?' Lifting one shoulder a fraction, she spoke in a troubled tone.

"The same thing as always - that his development is delayed and that they don't know why., ' they hold out any hope for improvementv '

much.' Derek grew quiet. He leaned back in his chair, compressed his lips, stared out the window. ' story was accurate, Derek. It clearly depicted the problems.' ' tried to go beyond that. ' could you?

There are so few answers., ' came up with one.' He slowly turned his head and looked her in the eye. rwiu you institutionalize Nicky? l She began to deny it automatically. She gave a quick head shake - then cut it short when it occurred to her that she wasn't talking with her husband, or with their friends or relatives. She was talking with Derek. She'd taped the story he did and had watched it half a dozen times. He took great care with his words, but their gist was clear. He believed that in some cases institutionalization was the best course. He understood. ', I don't know. Yes, maybe. ' you're not sure., She thought about that for a minute. Then she ed her fingers together in her lap, took a deep, %ned breath and looked down. ''m sure. it's just a popular position.' wasn't a popular position back then, either. Therts claim that regardless of his handicap a child st at home.' rina nodded.

"That is what therapists claim. ows how much they know.' loo ed up in surprise, becau. s she could have e he was teasing. But there was no humor in his ression, particularly when he asked, ' you have [email protected],%ome. It's hard to get sitters to come back a second " 3. 1 is his father home with him now?' an I V ' quite/ she remarked. Then, feeling inst t unorse raced on in -the hope that her sarcasm would overlooked. ' husband is in Chicago on business. is with one of the two therapists who alter-..,...%Aately work with us.' As they'd been discussing Nicky, Derek seemed to e relaxed a bit. His shoulders were still straight, he'd slid a little lower in the chair, crossed his legs the ankles and dug his hands into the pockets of his s. Sabrina was t[hinking thit, prison garb and all, was a very attractive man, when he took her off d by announcing, ' don't like your husband.' ,-",-Her first impulse was to laugh, because there'd been mething sounding suspiciously like jealousy in the -declaration. She was flattered. She was also frightened, F. cause her feelings were uncomfortably close to

,-Derek's, and she sensed that once started she'd very possibly laugh her way into hysterics. She compro-with a slightly uneven, ' did that come from?' Derek pointed to his gut. ' you've never met him., He shrugged. ' that because he wouldn't cooperate on your story?' ' that because I think he makes life hard for you.' He was looking out the window, his face as staunchly set as ever, but Sabrina felt a tiny nugget of warmth inside her. it had been a Iong, long time since she'd felt that someone was thinking of her interests. Vhy ever would you think thatv she asked in a voice that was a little too high to sound nonchalant. Derek made a deliberate, ninety-degree turn of his head and angled his chin to study her. There was suddenly something very personal in his expression, and his voice was oddly intimate. ' day I went to your place, I got the feeling that you would have talked with me if it hadn't been for your husband. You got nervous when you looked Page 13

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

at your watch and saw the time. What would have happened if held come home and found us talking?'-' would have called the president of your network, as he'd threatened.' ' think he would have done more than that/ Derek pressed. ' think he would have given you hell for entertaining me. Forget the fact that I weaseled my way in. Forget the fact that you refused to be interviewed. I think he would have hit the roof. He doesn't want anyone to know there's something wrong with his son, does hev She hesitated for the space of a heartbeat. J didn't say that.' ', but there's never been any kind of public acknowledgment, and your husband's been profiled in the papers a whole lot lately.' 42

of our son has nothing to do with career.' t directly. But Nicholas Stone's name carries He could raise a hell of a lot of money for research if he wanted to go to bat publicly for a had to struggle not to squirm. She agreed what Derek said. She'd said nearly identical to her husband. She wanted to tell Derek that I. as contributed privately to ihe cause, but she It ... because he didn't. He refused to believe there was a cause. He preferred to pretend that was simply a late bloomer, but he carefully hid, child from the world. r k had been right about that. But Sabrina It get herself to say so, so she answered his ' in the most general terms. ' gives to ty.1 rek wasn't settling for general terms.

"They say t charity begins at home. Tell me. Does your band take his turn walking Nicky when he criesp hesitated a second too long. ' has." 4But not often. How about patterning - I assume Ive given it a shotv brina had to hand it to him. it might have been a and a half since he'd done his story, and he'd bably been working on half a dozen others at the e, but he remembered what he'd learned. The oponents of patterning felt that if you brought the dd's hand to his mouth at the appropriate time and r the appropriate purpose over and over and over ain, the child would eventually take the hint. Nicky dn't. But that wasn't what Derek had asked. ''ve tried patterning,' she answered. ' your husband helped? ' does what he can, but between sixty-hour workweeks and frequent traveling, he's just not around all that much., Derek didn't look at all surprised. ' institutionalization - how does he feel about thatv A tiny muscle twitched beneath her left eye. ' has to give it more thought.' Which was an evasive answer if ever there was one. Nicholas didn't give institutionalization any thought because he refused to admit that his son was seriously impaired. He seemed content to have Nicky stay home with Sabrina - where no one could see the child and judge him retarded. Unfortunately, that left Sabrina with the full brunt of Nicky's care and the burden of silence. The strain of it was enormous. just thinking about it strung her out tight. R . g her teeth over her lip, she tried to divert herself by glancing around the room, but that was every bit as depressing. A couple had risen and were saying good-bye with an embrace whose fervor was nearly indecent. ''ve seen recent photos of your husband in the papers/ Derek said. Sabrina tried to avert her gaze from the couple, but kept returning to them. She kept waiting for them to pull apart - either that, or go up in flames. They showed no sign of self-consciousness. Derek seemed oblivious. The guards were indulgent. Was she the only one embarrassed? She cleared her throat. ' company has pulled off several coups., ' looked fresh, full of energy, not at all tired. He's left the fatigue to you, eh?"

"He's been busy. ''s a fool.' 44 swung to his. ' do you say thatv use he's got a good thing in you, but I doubt he -sees it. You're loyal. You stand up for him he deserves it or not. Does he deserve it?' his wife. Loyalty is a .. a given.' he appreciate it?' shifted a defensive shoulder. ' doesn't make eches of praise, but I don't expect that." spe at do you expect?' didn't answer. Is a fool, because he'll lose you/

Derek said. ling swiftly and smoothly, he dropped his s to his thighs. Page 14

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

For the first time he faced her His voice was low, tautly controlled. His eyes . ' you were mine, I'd appreciate you. But '@'Ire not mine. You're his. And, goddamn it' - his fell to a thick, dark rumble - '

don't know why Ire here. Is it to torment me? You do, you know. It weeks until I was able to get you out of my mind time. And it sure as hell won't be any easier now.' rina was stunned. She hadn't thought ... it It occurred to her ... perhaps she'd misunderstood surely she'd misunderstood. With nervous fingers, gathered her coat to her, possibly in a prelude to ing, more probably for the gense of security, howfalse, it gave. ''m sorry/ she whispered. is voice was nearly as low, but much, much more eful. ''t be sorry. just tell me why you're here.' R

:'I don't know. I wanted.. '?' ' wanted ... I want .. ' could a visit with me possibly offer?' His face was close. His features filled her vision - '-set eyes now the color of charcoal, ruggedly ed nose, firm-set mouth, tight jaw. She saw the 45 scowl lines on his brow, the sootiness of his eyelashes, the tiny mole at his temple, the way his lower lip was fuller than its mate. But his eyes drew her back. In them, hidden behind defiance and anger and pride, she saw despair, and she wanted to cry. ' ...'he prompted in a low, guttural command.

"You understood, Derek. That day. You understood. I don't know why I'm here now. I didn't plan it ahead, but it seemed the only thing to do when I knew I would be so close, and after visiting the center I felt so devastated that I was hoping ... hoping ...' She ran her thumb under her eye. ' for sympathy? ' - I ' I'm plumb out.' ' don't want sympathy.' ' what? I ' don't know!' she cried. Startled by the sound of her own voice, she shot a damp-eyed glance around the room. Several of its occupants and nearly all of the guards were looking at her. Embarrassed, she quickly lowered both her eyes and her voice. '

don't know/ she whispered. ' I was hoping for something ... a fragment ... that warmth I felt when we met and you understood how it was.' Her fingers bit into her coat as she struggled for composure.

"Strength. I thought maybe you'd have some. it was foolish, selfish of me, I guess.' Slowly, Derek straightened. ' strength I have now is earmarked for survival; and as for warmth, it's gone, Sabrina. It just isn't there anymore.' The words had barely left his lips when he stood, Sabrina looked up and caught her breath, but before 46 ing, he'd turned on his heel and was fingers were tight around his jacket. ulders were stiff. He paused once at the door ked back, forever etching in her mind the image scraping for dignity, a man ultimately alone. be passed through and disappeared. ents later, Sabrina sat behind the wheel of her g. It wasn't the cold air that disturbed her; comed that. It was what she'd seen and felt ed the quiver. was angry. He was bitter, at times hostile. He proverbial caged animal, wounded and lashing th a look, a tone, a word. probably he'd been right when he said that he have strength to spare, and she'd been wrong to ""Jt. But he lied about the warmth. She'd seen it those few moments when he questioned her t Nicky. And she'd felt it after that. ,,don't know why you're here. Is it to torment me? ', you know. It was weeks until I was able to . out of my mind last time. And it sure as hell be any easier now. e'd felt the alertness of his body, had heard the Vness in his voice, had seen the heat in his eyes. what was heat but warmth once-removed? h, yes, there was warmth. It was stashed away, ed beneath crates of anger and bitterness and tration and distrust. It had to jockey with pride and ty for a brief showing, and for the most part it but it was there. He'd lied when he said that it is gone. He'd lied.