Complete Poems and Plays (22 page)

To whom I owe the leaping delight

That quickens my senses in our wakingtime

And the rhythm that governs the repose of our sleepingtime,

The breathing in unison

Of lovers whose bodies smell of each other

Who think the same thoughts without need of speech

And babble the same speech without need of meaning.

No peevish winter wind shall chill

No sullen tropic sun shall wither

The roses in the rose-garden which is ours and ours only

But this dedication is for others to read:

These are private words addressed to you in public.

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,

It isn’t just one of your holiday games;

You may think at first I’m as mad as a hatter

When I tell you, a cat must have
THREE DIFFERENT NAMES
.

First of all, there’s the name that the family use daily,

Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,

Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey —

All of them sensible everyday names.

There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,

Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:

Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter —

But all of them sensible everyday names.

But I tell you, a cat needs a name that’s particular,

A name that’s peculiar, and more dignified,

Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,

Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?

Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,

Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,

Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum —

Names that never belong to more than one cat.

But above and beyond there’s still one name left over,

And that is the name that you never will guess;

The name that no human research can discover —

But
THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS
, and will never confess.

When you notice a cat in profound meditation,

The reason, I tell you, is always the same:

His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation

Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:

   His ineffable effable

   Effanineffable

Deep and inscrutable singular Name.

I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots;

Her coat is of the tabby kind, with tiger stripes and leopard spots.

All day she sits upon the stair or on the steps or on the mat:

She sits and sits and sits and sits — and that’s what makes a Gumbie

Cat!

But when the day’s hustle and bustle is done,

Then the Gumbie Cat’s work is but hardly begun.

And when all the family’s in bed and asleep,

She tucks up her skirts to the basement to creep.

She is deeply concerned with the ways of the mice —

Their behaviour’s not good and their manners not nice;

So when she has got them lined up on the matting,

She teaches them music, crocheting and tatting.

I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots;

Her equal would be hard to find, she likes the warm and sunny spots.

All day she sits beside the hearth or in the sun or on my hat:

She sits and sits and sits and sits — and that’s what makes a Gumbie

Cat!

But when the day’s hustle and bustle is done,

Then the Gumbie Cat’s work is but hardly begun.

As she finds that the mice will not ever keep quiet,

She is sure it is due to irregular diet

And believing that nothing is done without trying,

She sets to work with her baking and frying.

She makes them a mouse-cake of bread and dried peas,

And a
beautiful
fry of lean bacon and cheese.

I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots;

The curtain-cord she likes to wind, and tie it into sailor-knots.

She sits upon the window-sill, or anything that’s smooth and flat:

She sits and sits and sits and sits — and that’s what makes a Gumbie

Cat!

But when the day’s hustle and bustle is done,

Then the Gumbie Cat’s work is but hardly begun.

She thinks that the cockroaches just need employment

To prevent them from idle and wanton destroyment.

So she’s formed, from that lot of disorderly louts,

A troop of well-disciplined helpful boy-scouts,

With a purpose in life and a good deed to do —

And she’s even created a Beetles’ Tattoo.

So for Old Gumbie Cats let us now give three cheers —

On whom well-ordered households depend, it appears.

G
ROWLTIGER
was a Bravo Cat, who travelled on a barge:

In fact he was the roughest cat that ever roamed at large.

From Gravesend up to Oxford he pursued his evil aims,

Rejoicing in his title of ‘The Terror of the Thames’.

His manners and appearance did not calculate to please;

His coat was torn and seedy, he was baggy at the knees;

One ear was somewhat missing, no need to tell you why,

And he scowled upon a hostile world from one forbidding eye.

The cottagers of Rotherhithe knew something of his fame;

At Hammersmith and Putney people shuddered at his name.

They would fortify the hen-house, lock up the silly goose,

When the rumour ran along the shore:
GROWLTIGER’S ON THE LOOSE
!

Woe to the weak canary, that fluttered from its cage;

Woe to the pampered Pekinese, that faced Growltiger’s rage;

Woe to the bristly Bandicoot, that lurks on foreign ships,

And woe to any Cat with whom Growltiger came to grips!

But most to Cats of foreign race his hatred had been vowed;

To Cats of foreign name and race no quarter was allowed.

The Persian and the Siamese regarded him with fear —

Because it was a Siamese had mauled his missing ear.

Now on a peaceful summer night, all nature seemed at play,

The tender moon was shining bright, the barge at Molesey lay.

All in the balmy moonlight it lay rocking on the tide —

And Growltiger was disposed to show his sentimental side.

His bucko mate,
GRUMBUSKIN
, long since had disappeared,

For to the Bell at Hampton he had gone to wet his beard;

And his bosun,
TUMBLEBRUTUS
, he too had stol’n away —

In the yard behind the Lion he was prowling for his prey.

In the forepeak of the vessel Growltiger sate alone,

Concentrating his attention on the Lady
GRIDDLEBONE
.

And his raffish crew were sleeping in their barrels and their bunks —

As the Siamese came creeping in their sampans and their junks.

Growltiger had no eye or ear for aught but Griddlebone,

And the Lady seemed enraptured by his manly baritone,

Disposed to relaxation, and awaiting no surprise —

But the moonlight shone reflected from a hundred bright blue eyes.

And closer still and closer the sampans circled round,

And yet from all the enemy there was not heard a sound.

The lovers sang their last duet‚ in danger of their lives —

For the foe was armed with toasting forks and cruel carving knives.

Then
GILBERT
gave the signal to his fierce Mongolian horde;

With a frightful burst of fireworks the Chinks they swarmed aboard.

Abandoning their sampans, and their pullaways and junks,

They battened down the hatches on the crew within their bunks.

Then Griddlebone she gave a screech, for she was badly skeered;

I am sorry to admit it, but she quickly disappeared.

She probably escaped with ease, I’m sure she was not drowned —

But a serried ring of flashing steel Growltiger did surround.

The ruthless foe pressed forward, in stubborn rank on rank;

Growltiger to his vast surprise was forced to walk the plank.

He who a hundred victims had driven to that drop,

At the end of all his crimes was forced to go ker-flip, ker-flop.

Oh there was joy in Wapping when the news flew through the land;

At Maidenhead and Henley there was dancing on the strand.

Rats were roasted whole at Brentford, and at Victoria Dock‚

And a day of celebration was commanded in Bangkok.

The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat:

If you offer him pheasant he would rather have grouse.

If you put him in a house he would much prefer a flat,

If you put him in a flat then he’d rather have a house.

If you set him on a mouse then he only wants a rat,

If you set him on a rat then he’d rather chase a mouse.

Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat —

And there isn’t any call for me to shout it:

For he will do

As he do do

     And there’s no doing anything about it!

The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore:

When you let him in, then he wants to be out;

He’s always on the wrong side of every door,

And as soon as he’s at home, then he’d like to get about.

He likes to lie in the bureau drawer,

But he makes such a fuss if he can’t get out.

Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat —

And it isn’t any use for you to doubt it:

For he will do

As he do do

     And there’s no doing anything about it!

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious beast:

His disobliging ways are a matter of habit.

If you offer him fish then he always wants a feast;

When there isn’t any fish then he won’t eat rabbit.

If you offer him cream then he sniffs and sneers,

For he only likes what he finds for himself;

So you’ll catch him in it right up to the ears,

If you put it away on the larder shelf.

The Rum Tum Tugger is artful and knowing,

The Rum Tum Tugger doesn’t care for a cuddle;

But he’ll leap on your lap in the middle of your sewing,

For there’s nothing he enjoys like a horrible muddle.

Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat —

And there isn’t any need for me to spout it:

For he will do

As he do do

    And there’s no doing anything about it!