“I’ve got to go to makeup. The big war close-ups are today.” Sean shrugged. “I won’t get myself killed.”
“I trust you.” Jonathan squeezed Sean’s hand. “Have fun. Oh! Before I forget, here.” He offered Sean a piece of paper. “My phone number. You might need it.”
“Thanks.” He hesitated a moment before he leaned in and kissed Jonathan on the cheek. What the fuck was that? A kiss on the cheek? He bit back his frustration, waved and headed off to the makeup trailer. He needed to have his head examined. Who found a great guy then shoved him away because of some craziness that even he didn’t understand? Apparently, he did.
He was so screwed up.
* * * *
Eight hours later, Sean sat on the nearest wrecked road barrier. He’d been through fifteen takes and five explosions. His head ached, and he needed another shower. He rested his elbows on his knees and stared at the ground. Jonathan hadn’t moved far from his mind.
“You’re barely here.” Tony sat beside him. “Your brain seems to be out in LaLa Land. I need you to be here for these scenes.”
“I know.”
“Then spill your beans.” Tony pulled a mashed cigarette pack from his back pocket. “If you tell Kade, I’ll kick your ass.” He placed the mangled cigarette between his lips, but didn’t light it. “I need something there.”
“You quit like ten years ago.” Sean stared at his director. Even fifteen years on, he barely knew the man. “Why are you doing that?”
“I’m stressed out.” Tony matched Sean’s pose. “The movie’s running behind. My stars are arguing. You’re fucking one of the extras who’s turned out to be a bigger player. Kade’s mad at me because I didn’t stay awake last night. Christ. My life is a fucking mess.”
“Well, the mess must be going around.” Sean sat up and crossed his ankles. “There’s a man who makes me crazy. I want to spend all my time with him making love. He’s a good guy.”
“But?”
He’d known Tony would say that. “But I’m…unsure.” Sean groaned. “He’s a god damned virgin.”
“And that’s bad how?” Tony snorted. He held the cigarette in his fingers and flicked invisible ash from the tip. “You can mold him however you want and teach him things he never thought were possible. Where’s the issue? Or don’t you want to train him?”
“That’s part of it.” He massaged his temples. “I’m in over my head. That’s the real issue. I’ve said stuff that I meant at the time, but now, I’m not so sure. According to Kade, he’s going to start filming in two days time, but it’ll be a short film schedule. I’ll be stuck with Jonathan for a while. I should be happy about that, not tied in knots.”
“What exactly did you say that was all so bad?” Tony rolled the cigarette in his fingers. “Unless you said I love you, I don’t see the issue. You’ve got something good, and because you’ve fucked up your life this far, you’re scared as hell that you won’t be able to maintain what you’ve got.”
“More or less. I told him I loved him and I said I cared about him. I promised I’d never hurt him.” Sean gritted his teeth. “He wants me to be myself. I’m trying. I really am, but I’m not sure the real guy is still in here. I see glimpses of him then I act like a dick. I don’t want to screw this up, but I will. I’m not sure this thing is going to work out. I lied. I can’t keep this up. I moved too fast, and I’m regretting it. He’s a virgin, he’s young and even though I’m attracted to him…something’s off.”
Footsteps thumped on the concrete behind him. He glanced over his shoulder, and his heart sank. Jonathan.
“Oh shit,” Tony said and moved toward the closest building.
“Something’s off, huh?” Jonathan’s gaze switched between him and Tony. “Don’t I look like the world’s biggest fucktard? I signed on to a short movie, got my hopes up and fell in love with an asshole.” He held up both hands. “I’ll find my way off the set. Don’t fucking call me. Ever.” He turned on his heel and stomped away.
“Well, you fucked that up.” Tony rested his hands on his hips. “Want to fucking fix it?”
Instead of chasing after Jonathan, Sean sat rooted to the spot. His legs wouldn’t move. He’d fucked up. Big time. For the second time since he’d met Jonathan, he’d shoved the handsome man away.
I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean any of what I said.
I’m scared because I hate being vulnerable, and you make me feel safe enough to bare my soul.
I love you.
Sean closed his eyes. Now, he had to fix the mess he’d known he would make.
Forgive me for being an asshole. Please?
Chapter Twelve
Jonathan stared at his laptop screen. He’d opened a browser window to play on social networks but hadn’t clicked the button to sign on to anything. He’d thought he’d wanted to chat with friends. Now, he wasn’t so sure. For the last two days, he’d read over his script and practiced his lines until he knew them all. He felt one with the character of Owen. He could handle the part with ease. What he couldn’t handle was seeing Sean.
He’d been stupid. He’d bared his heart and offered up his soul. He’d allowed someone else into the most intimate parts of his life because he cared about him. He’d believed Sean’s lies. Like a fool, he’d hung on Sean’s every word. Damn it.
Just as with the other people he’d tried to let in, he’d been let down. Sean had said he cared, but he hadn’t. He couldn’t even be honest. Didn’t Jonathan at least deserve the truth?
He needed to be over at the apartment in a half hour. The walk wouldn’t take more than fifteen minutes, and he wasn’t in a hurry to show up. That wasn’t very good for his reputation, but so what?
Jonathan closed the laptop and picked up his keys and phone. He hadn’t expected to hear from Sean, but part of him had hoped he might call.
According to Kade, they were would start filming at the beginning of the script and run straight through as much as possible. Fine. early in the short flick, he was supposed to not like Sean a.k.a. Clayton on first glance.
He made the four-block trek to the apartment building overlooking the lake. The guard gave him a pass and sent him up to the penthouse. Jonathan glanced around at the elevator as he rode to the top of the building. A kid out of college wouldn’t have such a huge-ass apartment and sure as hell not in such a nice building. A guy fresh out of college shouldn’t be in a major motion picture. Not yet. He hadn’t paid his dues in Hollywood. Christ. He was in over his head.
When the elevator doors opened, Jonathan hesitated in the car for a moment. Kade, Tony and Sean stood huddled together. Once again, he felt like the outsider. What did he expect? He was the outsider.
Sean glanced up first. A flicker of something shone in his eyes. He smiled but stepped out of the way. Tony grinned and strode up to him.
“There’s our boy,” Tony said. “We’re going to do a read through right here and start staging some of the initial interior scenes. Nothing will be filmed until tomorrow. We don’t have use of the park until the morning, and we’re actually ahead of schedule. Ready? I don’t like to fuck around.”
“I am.” Jonathan ducked his head and allowed Tony to steer him across the room. “Kade. Sean.”
“Hiya, kid.” Kade smiled. “Sean?”
Sean didn’t say a word. Instead, he left the room.
Kade shook his head. “He’s been quiet all morning.” He straightened Jonathan’s shirt. “Now. This scene is the first time you and the brat have sex. It won’t be as graphic as it sounds, but I’d like a little emotion from the both of you. Think you can manage that? It’s a simple read-through so we know where to put you.”
“I can do this.” Jonathan gripped his rolled up script. “Let’s go for it.”
“Good. You’re on the couch right now. We’ll run through the park scene when we’re done. Sean,” Kade shouted. “Get your ass in here.” When Sean didn’t reappear, Kade groaned. “I’ll be right back.”
“Let me go.” Jonathan clapped Kade on the shoulder. “We need to talk anyway. Can’t exactly have chemistry if we want to rip each other’s head off, can we?” He headed off after Sean. He wasn’t sure what he expected, but he wanted them to get along. They weren’t together, and even though he wasn’t thrilled about that fact, he’d accepted his fate. He knocked on the door. “Sean?”
“Go away, Jonathan,” came Sean’s harsh reply.
“Sean, we need to read through the script. We can’t do that if you’re hiding.” He tried the door handle. “Come on.” When he twisted the knob, it moved. Sean hadn’t locked the door? Jonathan eased the door open. “Hey.”
Sean sat on the edge of the tub with his hands balled. “This is a horrible idea.”
Jonathan closed the door. “Why? Because you have to deal with the shit you created?” He stood opposite Sean and crossed his ankles. “We’re in this together, so we might as well make the best of it.”
“How?” Sean shook his head. “It’s beyond repair. You hate me. I’m… Fuck.”
“That’s what you wanted—a mess so you could run. Somewhere in that brain of yours, you knew if you fucked things up enough and said shit, you’d push me away. It’s the ultimate fucking punishment.” Jonathan’s head ached. He’d planned what he’d wanted to say, but when faced with Sean, everything came tumbling out. “You gave up on yourself a long time ago. I don’t know how, but I stirred up something inside you and because the emotions and whatever were too much, you ran away. I told you to fuck off, but that’s not the whole truth. I needed space because you tore me in half. I want to see this thing between us through, but I can’t do it alone.” Truthfully, he wasn’t sure if he could handle all of Sean’s rough edges, but he’d try.
“Because you’re so fucking stoic?” Sean snarled. “I get it. You’re better than me.”
“God damn it.” Jonathan’s anger hit the boiling point. “That’s it. Fuck yourself.” He paced the length of the room. “I trusted you. I gave you my heart, and this is how you repay me.” He glared at Sean. “My gut said not to trust you because you’re an actor. I should stand up for myself and not let you tell me what to do. Instead, I trusted my heart. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d fallen for you. Three days and my stupid ass fell in love. I should’ve known better. Love doesn’t happen that fast except in the movies. I was stupid to think that simple Jonathan Reynolds could actually be sexy or cool or whatever enough for Sean Banks.” He gripped the door handle. He’d said he wasn’t going to back down from Sean, but there was only so much frustration and anger he could take. He needed a breather.
“Jonathan.” His name came out in a whisper.
Jonathan sighed. “I wanted to get through this movie. To get to know you better. To be more comfortable with you. I wanted to give you my virginity, you shit.” Damn. He hadn’t meant to reveal that part.
Sean finally looked up at Jonathan. His shoulders sagged, and his jaw went slack.
“Yeah, you fucked that up.” Jonathan wiped his hand across his mouth. No more holding back. Screw it. If Sean wasn’t ready to listen, tough. “I love you, Sean Banks. I wanted all your fucked up, your twistedness and your complications. Now, I don’t know what I want. I’m not sure if you’re man enough for me.”
He turned his back on Sean and headed into the living room. Kade and Tony stared at him. Tony spoke first. “You just told Sean off—like really told him off.”
“You gave him a piece of your mind and tore off his ass,” Kade said.
“I did.”
“And he’s still alive?” Tony peeked down the short hallway. “Seriously? He’s not dead?”
“I’m not going to kill him. He’s your star.” Jonathan shrugged. He’d learned all too well to keep his emotions bottled up. He’d let go of some of his anger by shouting, but all the screaming in the world wouldn’t patch over his wounds.
“Jonathan. I can’t tell you what to do, but if you want out, we’ll let you out.” Tony rushed past Kade. “We understand. Sean can be a shit and run people off. We like you, we want you and hope like hell he doesn’t scare you away from this.” He left the room.
The sound of voices filtered to Jonathan. So Tony was trying to deal with Sean, too? Wonderful. “I’m going downstairs for a coffee. Okay?” He strode past Kade. He needed time away from the caustic situation.
“Wait.” Sean emerged from the bathroom. “Jonathan. Wait.”
Jonathan folded his arms. Tony grabbed Kade’s hand. “We need to get out a moment.” He shook his head at Kade. “Go with it.”
Although Kade dragged his feet a bit, he ended up leaving with Tony. Jonathan sat on the arm of the couch. “It’s a nice place.” He picked up one of the books on the shelf behind the couch. “A little upscale for college age guys, but whatever. It’s big. I’m sure they can do the filming with ease in here.”
“That’s usually the plan. Big enough to move the cameras around and get the right shots.” Sean thrust his hands into his hair. “I’m done with this. I’m done.”
“Done with what?” Jonathan didn’t want to argue any longer. He’d had enough of Sean, too. “Spill your guts.”
Sean rolled his shoulders. He shook his head then swatted at the bookshelf. “Have you ever had a moment where you weren’t sure?” Sean stared at Jonathan. “A moment you knew would make or break you and still you said the wrong thing?”
“I have.” Plenty of times. The first time he’d asked a guy out. His first kiss with a guy. The first time he’d intended on giving a blowjob.
“That’s what happened. I said the wrong thing. I needed someone to talk to. Tony knows what I’ve been going through.” Sean snorted. “You think he and Kade just fell into bed together and became a tight team? You’d think, but no. There was fighting and name calling. It was bloody and most of the time no one knew if they’d actually make it. I didn’t want that with us.”
Jonathan bit his tongue, but he couldn’t not talk. “Oh, so now there’s an us?”
“Damn it. I want there to be.” Sean frowned. The tension around his eyes became more evident, and the strain in his voice became more pronounced. “You said something in the bathroom that’s been stuck in my head. You said you wanted all my ugliness and everything else. You weren’t scared of my shit and dealt with me head-on. No one else has done that. Why?”
“I told you,” Jonathan said, keeping his voice even. “I love you.” He thought he’d been pretty plain about his feelings. When he loved someone, he didn’t give up—although he’d kind of given up on Sean. Or was that giving him space? He wasn’t sure. Love tended to screw him over when he gave it a chance.