Confessions of a Backup Dancer (10 page)

she came to my room at like midnight. I was in bed with the lights out. she didn't even knock, she just came right on in, threw on the lights (all of them. which, if I can just say so, is way, way too many), and bounced over into my bed. not just onto my bed, but actually into it. like she bounced up and slid under the covers in one smooth move. I was kinda like um, after age 12, you're not allowed to just get in bed with me unless you
really
know me. but I didn't say it out loud. I'm just glad I was wearing my pj bottoms.

anyway she was waving this random newsletter thing, Pop Star Tour Report Weekly or something, which I'd never heard of before. she goes “K.K.! Check it out! You're famous!” and sure enough, there I was.

MOVERS AND SHAKERS

Hollywood Hustle Wire Service, Los Angeles-The It's Darcy!! tour announced today that K.K. Kimball will replace Shania Johnson in the Darcy Barnes “It's Darcy!!” lineup. Eileen Wang, tour manager, explained how she found this newcomer, rumored to also be in the running for the coveted “lead dancer” spot: “We wanted a fresh face, someone with no dance experience whatsoever. We found her in a San Diego teen nightclub. Even though she's never had a dance lesson, her raw talent and energy are a great addition to the company.” Darcy Barnes commented, “It's great! Me and K.K. are totally like best friends now! We do everything together!”

that's where the “how's it feel to be my new best friend” part comes in.

I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say. I mean I don't feel like her best friend. how could we be best friends? we'd barely met!

but when someone tells you that you're their best friend, you can't say sorry, nice try, but you're not. Especially when it's your EMPLOYER … not to mention the biggest pop star in the universe! I looked around to see if there were cameras on us, like this was Punk'd or something …
but I realized she was kind of serious. I mean like I said, it's not like she has any friends her own age.

besides, maybe to her a “best friend” is just another person on the payroll. like, manager, agent, publicist, stylist, best friend … hey, I'm not going to argue, this could be fun. let's just be clear that it's K.K. who's the best friend. not Kelly. Kelly's best friend is and always will be the one and only, the lovely, the fabulous, the sorely-missed-especially-right-nowTito.

At that point it kind of sank in that they'd made up this whole story about me not having any dance training, which got under my skin, big time, because as previously stated I've had 350 years of training. but I didn't really have a chance to dwell on it too much. so i just squealed and hugged her. you know, kind of like how people greet each other at the airport. for some reason it just seemed like the thing to do at the time. it was K.K.'s squeal, not Kelly's. darcy was like so what should we do first, best friend? now that we do everything together?

I was like I don't know. and then she goes, “is there anything good on tv?” and grabs my remote and starts flipping around. she picks up the phone and goes, “waiter? WALTER? can you bring us some corn nuts and diet dr. pepper? CORN NUTS!! no, not barbecue, plain, the big bag. yeah. also some chicken. do you have any fried chicken? you do? I knew it. you rule. ok, I'm in shania's old room. no, shania's not here anymore. the new girl is
K.K. yeah K.K. she's my best friend now, didn't you hear? her name is K.K. … K.K.! ok. bye.” I was thinking, Corn nuts? Gross, then I noticed my stomach growling and realized they actually sounded delicious. I mean Darla's little diet is making me crazy for food. any food.

anyway then Darcy looks at me and goes, “it's cool if I hang out in here tonight, right? I'm so bored with my room and I haven't talked to Jess—” she cut herself off before she finished the thought, which was a little frustrating. I mean if I'm going to be her best friend, shouldn't I know whether she and jesse are “just friends” or more?

then she started flipping the channels again. MW was doing a special on her. “Oh Lordy, they're using that footage from when I was Female Hottie of the Millennium at the Teenz Rule Awards! Ew! do you think my hair looks better than Jessica Simpson's? Do you think she ever wears a wig? Do you think I should?” then she started flipping again and didn't stop until she hit The Wizard of Oz, which was on some random family cinema cable channel. it was that first scene in munchkinland and she's bursting into “We REPRESENT the Lollipop Guild! The Lollipop Guild!” and she's like don't you LOVE the munchkins?

my inner kelly wanted to be like, no, actually, they scare me and I had nightmares about 'em when I was a child. oh and also I was asleep before you came in here. but K.K. was like yeah they're so cute! I even squealed a little.

she goes “That's where I got the inspiration for 'Love You Like a Lollipop!'” I was just thinking something tells
me that connection is probably lost on most people when they hear your song, but ok!

then I was like wait. can this be? can the biggest pop star in the world, the Female Hottie of the Millennium, role model to girls everywhere, wet dream to boys everywhere … can darcy barnes really be this boring and dopey? where's the booze? where are the boys gone wild? where's the girl I know so well from “celebrities uncensored” not to mention “behind the music”? where are the true Hollywood story moments already?

a minute later a commercial came on and I just blurted, hey, about this clipping. how come Eileen made me seem like such an untrained dancer? I took like 350 years of lessons, I mean 12 years, I mean I don't care but it's a little strange. Darcy didn't know what I was talking about so I read the clipping out to her. I was like Eileen knows what my real story is. how come she made this one up?

“Oh, that,” said Darcy. “We just thought it would be a good angle. everyone has a story, you know? I mean, it's not that big of deal, it's not like anyone's really going to check up on you or anything. I mean, it's better for everyone if we figure out what story we want and sort of stick you into it. so we had this big meeting last night about you and eileen said that this story makes you seem more real than your other story.” Funny that she called my real story my “other story.” she finished up with “believe me this is better for your career, too.”

I was pretty weirded out that there was a roomful of people making up my background without my even knowing about the meeting so I kind of just clamped my mouth shut. maybe she's right. it feels weird but what do I know. she HAS been in the business for, like, half her life. besides, it's not like I'm going to quit right now. this is too good of a gig. I hope she's right. I hope no one I know sees it.

and she goes, “but don't you love the best friend part?” I gave up right then and there. I squealed and hugged her again. besides, I reminded myself, I wasn't Kelly anyway. I was k.k., darcy barnes's best friend. at least that's who I'd be for the next couple months.

then she goes “do you have a boyfriend?” and I go no. she looked at me for a minute and I got kinda nervous so I said, “we just broke up last week,” which I totally made up just to fill the space and besides, maybe this fictional K.K. really did have an ex. hey, I could get into this fake-me thing … anyway so darcy made this sad face and I said, “no it's no big deal. forget about him. he's a loser and you're here now. forget him,” and she smiled. I could tell the conversation wasn't over. so I said, “do YOU have a boyfriend?”

and she said, “yeah.” so I said omigod, is it Rashid?

she goes, huh?

I go, you know. that's what it said on your website.

darcy goes, oh lordy NO, that's my crazy mother making
stuff up. I was like why would she do that and darcy was like urn, well, I guess it's good for my image to have a crush on him and he is kind of hot, I mean, I totally love him but I barely know him … he just sort of works for me, you know?

I was thinking yeah! he's fair game!

then I was like ok well who IS it? someone from home or something? and she goes no not really. then she smiled and said she doesn't want to talk about it because she misses him. she misses all her friends from home. she was like I lost most of my friends when I became Darcy Barnes but they're a bunch of jealous people and I don't want to talk about it.

so I shut up. I mean, it was like she ripped open her brain for me there for a second but didn't really let herself finish her thoughts. I guess we have all summer. I mean, I'm not about to get all up in her face about it even though i kept thinking how Tito will KILL me if i don't find out. give it time, I figured.

then I was like omigod, she lost all her friends when she became Darcy Barnes. does that mean I'm going to lose mine now that I've become K.K.? Too late.

then she goes, You know I'm a virgin right?

I go, are you really? I mean, I've heard it but I didn't know.

she goes, do you think I'm lying? I go, no I mean I just know that the papers make stuff up sometimes right? like that thing about you and jesse and all that.

she goes, “THAT'S NOT TRUE!”

and I go, I know! that's what I'm saying, they make stuff up! but of course I was thinking damn that really got her revved up. it must be true. i wonder …

and she goes, well I am. I am a virgin.

and I go, Um, ok!

and she goes, I just want people to know that.

and I was just like, “I totally understand” even though I totally didn't, why do people need to know that? why do I need to know that?

then she goes, are you a virgin? not that there's anything wrong with not being one it's just … are you?

and I was like what kind of question is that? I rolled my eyes and laughed. “I'm so sure!” I said. I figured that was about as noncommittal as I could get without full-on lying.

then she goes, “Can you keep a secret?” and I said yeah and she said, “don't tell my mom,” and she pulled down the waistband of her jockey for hers (I was like WHAT'S GOING ON) then showed me a teensy weensy tattoo of a dolphin. “mama said I can do whatever I want in the whole world … except get a tattoo. ha! don't tell her. no one knows. I got it in brazil when I was there with …” and before she said who she was with she goes, “oh, sorry. can't say. I promised. that whole boyfriend thing. uh, I mean crush thing. oh, whatever. anyway isn't it the CUTEST tattoo?”

she goes, “wanna go get a tan? I have side-by-side tanning beds in my gym downstairs and I know where eileen hides her vodka!”

Bingo! Behind-the-music moment! Here we go …

K.K., backup dancer and party girl said, “um, SURE! Totally!!” even while Kelly, exhausted dancer, was thinking, hey what about the CORN NUTS?!

we finally got to sleep (me with a slight midnight tanning bed sunburn and darcy with slightly slurred words) at like 3
AM
. darcy slept in my bed (which would be a true Hollywood story moment except that it was more like a sweet valley twins moment).

the last thing she said before drifting off was, “G'night, best friend. Hey, I wonder who Pashmina's best friend is these days? she's probably some loser.”

I lay there for a while trying to figure out what she meant. No luck. the best I could do was just decide that darcy was, in fact, an alien from outer space. The longer I thought about it in the dark by myself, the funnier it seemed. I actually giggled myself to sleep.

how psycho is that?

SATURDAY JUNE 8

D-ZONE, LUNCH BREAK, 12
PM

Outfit:
I'm singin the capezio blues?

Hair:
stringy, sweaty, dirty … but blond.

Mood:
The grind

I woke up to darcy barnes howling at the top of her lungs in the room next to mine.

Aaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Aaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

of course my first thought was dang if she's a virgin I'd like to know exactly what's going on in there …

but then I realized she was really screaming. there must have been something really really wrong. was she being attacked? where were the men in black?

I sprang out of bed, raced to the hallway, sprinted down to her door. there was a woman in black standing out-side. I screamed, Can't you hear? she's in there screaming! I dove over the woman in black and lunged for the doorknob. I burst in, and there was darcy, standing there topless, looking in the full-length mirror and screaming like a crazy person. I was like ARE YOU OK???

and she just went quiet and turned around. hey K.K., she whispered. I'm fine! I'm just warming up my voice. I have a recording session in a couple of hours, and I like it better when it's kind of scratchy. Don't you?

yup, alien from outer space. that sounds just about right.

since then we've been dancing pretty much nonstop. I am SORE. I'm SERIOUS. so this is how the dancers get their bodies so tight. dancing their asses off every day, all day. luckily it seems like I'm getting fewer looks from Armand and Jesus. And Li'l D and his Tina are starting to be way more, uh, open. Make that public. in fact, I'm pretty sure their public displays of affection could get them arrested in some states.