He gently rubs his hand up and down my arm. Such an innocent contact and yet it reignites the fire deep within me. If I wasn't so tired I would probably take him again, right here, right now but my body refuses to move. I am too comfortable, too warm. I love the feeling of being blanketed by his body. His scent all around me, my body in his strong arms. It's all any girl could ever want. It's all I will ever want.
I feel myself giving into sleep, the heavy numbness taking over my mind. It's there in the state between awake and asleep that I hear his whispered words. “I love you.” The sound sends a vibration through my entire body but my mind can't digest if I am still awake or if this is just a dream.
––––––––
M
y eyes flutter open to the bright morning sun shining through my window. I stretch, noticing immediately that Liam is not beside me. Disappointment settles deep in the pit of my stomach. I can't help but wonder what it would be like to wake up in his arms. I can't imagine a better way to start my day.
I peel myself from the bed, throwing my puffy pink robe on to cover my still naked body. I let my hand linger for a moment on my collarbone, remembering the way it felt last night to have Liam's hands on my flesh, consuming my body. I smile inwardly at the memory. Every touch, every kiss, seems more precious than the last and I revel in the after glow of being adored by a man who could literally have any girl that he wanted. Instead he chose me, for reasons I still don't quite fully understand.
As I head towards the bathroom I notice a piece of paper folded on my bedside table. I immediately retrieve it, my eyes quickly skimming the page.
Addison,
Words can't describe how incredible it felt to fall asleep in your arms last night. I am so sorry that I had to leave. I wanted to wake you but you seemed so peaceful I couldn't bring myself to do it. I hope to see you later.
Love,
Liam
I re-read the note several more times before putting it back down on the table and heading to the bathroom, my mind in a crazy love sick fog. Words cannot describe the way this man makes me feel.
I shower quickly, washing away the remnants of last nights events. I close my eyes as the loofah skims across my skin, wishing that it were Liam's hands instead. I feel like I could stay in here all day but knowing that I am on a time restraint, I finish up, shivering as I step out of the hot shower and into my robe.
Kelly is already waiting on me when I exit into the living room thirty minutes later, her bags sitting on the floor by the door. I am so sad to see her leave but I am also very thankful to have gotten this time with her. It is so rare these days that we get to see each other and I didn't realize how much I had missed our little get togethers.
I fight through almost an hour of traffic on the way to the airport. Kelly and I making small talk on the way over. We arrive with fifteen minutes to spare before Kelly's flight is scheduled to leave. After going through a billion security measures, we finally reach the terminal for her nonstop flight back to New York. We say our goodbyes, both of us trying not to cry.
“Take care of yourself kiddo.” She says before finally releasing me. “I expect weekly updates. I have a feeling you are going to have a lot of interesting things to fill me in on. And hey.” She says resting her hand on my shoulder. “Enjoy it. I know you're scared and that you have been through a lot but I am telling you, the way that man looks at you, I think he'd be more likely to propose than to break your heart.”
I contemplate her words as I watch her disappear into the tunnel. How can she be so sure of Liam's feelings for me when I'm not even sure myself? She's right though, I need to let myself enjoy this. I need to stop running the 'what ifs' into the ground and just live my life. There are no guarantees in life but that doesn't mean I should just let it pass me by out of the fear of the bad things that could happen.
I make my way back through the airport, lingering for a moment to watch a few planes take off and land. Lost in my thoughts, I jump slightly at the sound of someone saying my name. “Addison?”
“Grayson?” I breathe out the moment I turn to find him standing not three feet from me. My stomach clenches, my mind instantly landing on the events that took place the last time.
“What are you doing here?” He asks me almost hopeful. Hopeful about what I am unsure, until I see the luggage sitting on the ground next to his feet.
“My aunt Kelly, she flew in for a couple days. I just saw her off. You heading somewhere?” I don't miss the way his head sags slightly at my words, his broad shoulders hunching over. He no longer looks the part of my smart handsome lawyer in training. His suit has been traded in for a pair of loose jeans and a t-shirt. His blonde hair is not the carefully placed style that I am used to but instead a messy mop on top of his head. And I think this is the first time I have ever seen stubble on his face.
“Home.” He says shrugging his shoulders.
“Visiting your parents?” I ask, trying to keep the tension buzzing around us to a minimum. To say this is awkward would be a huge understatement. It's so hard to believe that this is the man I once shared my life with. How quickly things have changed.
“No. I'm going home.... for good.” He says, his eyes settling on mine for the first time. He seems worn down, beaten. As much as I hate what he did to me, to us, I can't help but feel extremely bad for him all of a sudden.
“What? Why? What about your job?” I ask.
“They let me go. Things have been, well a bit out of hand since you and I, you know, broke up. I've been distracted and haven't been giving my job the attention it deserves. Roy told me to take a while and we will see what happens but truthfully I don't ever see myself coming back here.” I don't why but my heart aches at his words.
While I know that him and I will never be together again, it doesn't change the fact that I loved him for a third of my life and that he is the reason that I am in Vegas to begin with. We came here to start our lives together.
“I'm sorry to hear that.” I reply truthfully. I know that I should be angry with him for what he put me through only a few nights ago, but I can't muster the feeling. I don't feel angry with him, hell I'm not even the slightest bit mad. Right now the only emotion I really feel is pity.
“Don't be. It's my doing. Honestly Addie, I don't where it all went wrong. And I can't apologize enough for everything I have put you through. Truth is that I'm leaving Las Vegas because I can't keep hurting you. I can't keep seeing you look at me the way you are looking at me right now. Pity, disappointment, regret. It's all there and I hate that I put it there.” His confession hits me like a ton of bricks. He's leaving because of me? Just a couple of months ago he was discarding me like I was nothing. Now he's uprooting his entire life because he can't have me back?
“Grayson, don't. We have both said and done hurtful things to one another over the years. I'm not angry with you.” I say, feeling like I at least owe him that much.
“You should be.” He breathes, his eyes not able to hold mine. He stares at the floor for a moment and then his eyes find mine once more. “I want you back Addison.” The words come out in a quick rush.
“Grayson.” I start to protest but he cuts me off.
“No, just let me say this. I need to get this out. I love you Addison. I have loved you for eight years. You're the only one that makes sense to me, the only one that feels like home. Breaking things off with you was the biggest mistake I have ever made and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I know that things between us can't be fixed, I know the damage has already been done, but that doesn't change how I feel. I just needed you to know that.”
I can feel the tears welling in my eyes and I fight with everything I have to keep them at bay. Somehow him telling me goodbye this time is so much more impossible to stomach. At least when he ended things with us he was still near by. While I didn't want to see him, I had the comfort of just knowing he was around. No matter what has transpired between us, it doesn't change the fact that he is my family. He has always been my family.
“Grayson, I do love you.” I say the words not for his benefit but because they are true. I fell out of love with him a long time ago but I still care about him and what happens to him. I can forgive his behavior over the last few weeks simply because I can see that he is lost and not only that, but he's scared.
“For years you were my life. Those feelings don't just disappear overnight. I need you to know that it's okay and that I forgive you.” I say, no longer able to hold back the tears that are now streaming down my cheeks.
“Don't cry Addie. I have made you cry too many times already. I'll never forgive myself for giving you up. You were my best friend.” His words only make the tears come harder. I step into his arms without a second thought, my face burying into chest. I squeeze my arms around him tightly. He hesitantly wraps his arms around my shoulders, his face finding my hair. “I'm gonna miss you so much.” He breathes out.
“I'm going to miss you too.” I sob into his chest. I know it doesn't make any sense but it's like the last few weeks simply did not exist and that we are finally saying goodbye the way we should have a long time ago. This goodbye feels final and I know without a doubt that from this moment on our lives will be completely separate. We will grow up, grow apart, and become different people, until one day we are only memories of the people that we are right now.
“I have to go.” He says, stepping out of my arms to take one last look at me. He reaches out wiping the tears from my cheeks. “Goodbye Addison.” He says, his words coming out shaky and broken as he places one last kiss on my lips.
I can't speak, can't move. The only thing I can do is watch him walk away. Watch the only person that has ever really known me leave my life forever. I wish things could have been so very different. I wish a lot of things but that doesn't mean that they will magically come true.
I needed this goodbye so that I can remember the good times and not focus on the bad. I want to be able to look back and remember the two young kids from Vermont that grew up and tackled the world together, for a short time anyways. I want to let myself let go of him and what used to be.
I need this not only for myself, but for Liam as well. In the matter of weeks he has affected me more than anyone I have ever known. I want to give him my heart but I need it to be whole when I do. I'm not blind to the fact that I am falling in love with him. It's something I have been struggling with for days. It's too much too fast and yet it's all I want. He is what I dream about. He's the person I miss when he's not with me. He is the one person that no matter what I am doing is on my mind.
Is it that I am falling in love with him or that I have already fallen? My heart already knows the answer to that question though my mind is a little less eager to accept it.
––––––––
W
hile I wanted nothing more than to spend time with Liam, my days and most of my evenings have been taken up by work. Everyone is talking about Bella Vita, a buzz of anticipation surrounding the upcoming event.
I have done my best to stay productive and not let all the crazy happening in my life distract me from getting my job done. That, unfortunately, is much easier said than done. Grayson wasn't home for more than a day before my gossip queen mother called me with the news. She was absolutely delighted to learn that since breaking up with me, his life has been in shambles, though I do not share in her happiness.
I really do want the best for him and I truly hope that he can find his way again. Despite all his flaws, I know deep down that the Grayson I fell in love with is still in there, somewhere. He just needs to find himself. Once that happens I know that he will bounce back. I have never known him to stay down for long. Then again I have never seen him this low before either.
“You ready?” Kristina asks, startling me from behind. I swivel quickly in my chair to face her.
“Ready for what?” I question not really sure what I am supposed to be ready for. She gives me a dirty look, clearly frustrated that I am forgetting something, and rolls her eyes.
“You are impossible.” She exclaims on a loud sigh. “Dress shopping.... HELLO! We have only been talking about it for like three weeks now.” She places her hands on her hips and taps her heeled foot on the floor for dramatic effect.
“Shit girl, I am so sorry. I totally blanked. Let me just send this email to Steven with the our final cost projection and I will be ready to go.” I say, turning my attention back to my computer.
“I'm gonna run to the ladies. Meet you in the lobby.” Kristina sings as she practically skips away from my desk. If I had to guess I would say that she is rather excited about our little shopping trip.
I quickly enter the last remaining information into my email and send it, before gathering my things and heading down to the lobby. I spot Kristina immediately, her tall, lean frame leaning against the reception desk. She quickly makes her way through the crowd of people leaving for the day, when she spots me. “You ready?” She squeals, grabbing my hand and pulling me behind her.
After trying on at least a dozen dresses from a handful of different stores, I have just about given up hope of finding the perfect dress. That is until a long, elegant number catches my eye from the window of a little boutique called
Pearls
. I stop to admire the beautiful dress, the way the fabric flows from the base of the manikin to the floor.
“That's gorgeous.” Kristina gasps from behind me. Having found her dress on the first stop, she has been quite a trooper, allowing me to drag her all across town. I refuse to pay the amount most places are asking for a dress, especially if it's not something that I absolutely love.
I grab Kristina's hand and drag her inside. The shop is a small and square, filled with three long clothing racks that appear to be nothing but dresses. An accessories counter sits to the right, and the back wall is filled with different styles of heels and flats. I don't waste my time scanning the racks. Instead I make my way directly to the counter where an older lady, wearing entirely too much jewelry is sitting.