“
I really don
’
t think I have words,
”
I admit, my hands moving to his waist to help guide him. His fingers wrap around my right thigh and pull my leg up, allowing him to press against me with more force. My breathing quickens.
“
Try.
”
“
I can
’
t,
”
I tell him between breaths, pulling his head to mine to kiss me. I
’
ve never needed him as much as I need him now. I have to turn my head away to take a breath, and I realize I can
’
t fill my lungs. It
’
s not oxygen my body needs. It
’
s Jon. I gasp repeatedly, as dictated by my desire for him. The feeling overwhelms me, consumes me, and a cry escapes the back of my throat, one like I
’
ve never heard before. Embarrassed, I pull his lips to mine again to try to hide any more outbursts, but the sounds continue. I have no control anymore. I stop fighting it. As my body begins to shake with pleasure, Jon tries to hold me still, holds his body closely next to mine. He wraps his arms around me. When the cries turn back into soft breaths, he kisses my temple, my cheek, and after he
’
s sure I can breathe again, my lips. I hold his head to mine, never wanting him to leave me.
“
How are you?
”
he whispers to me, moving to my side. Feeling lightheaded, I sidle up next to him, my head on his shoulder with one arm and one leg splayed across his body.
“
That was awesome,
”
I laugh.
“
Have you ever...
”
He pauses to move a mess of hair out of my face. I lean up to kiss him once and lie back down, tracing invisible shapes on his chest.
“
Have you ever felt anything like that before?
”
“
Never,
”
I admit to him.
“
Wow. I
’
m not even sure how I could describe that feeling.
”
“
I think you just had an orgasm.
”
My hand stills as I process this. I can feel my cheeks heat up quickly. He wraps his fingers around mine.
“
You know that, right?
”
“
Ummm.
”
I hesitate as I wonder whether or not I should lie to him. I should have figured that out, but I didn
’
t realize that
’
s what was going on.
“
We didn
’
t have sex, though.
”
“
You don
’
t have to have sex to have an orgasm. Well, girls don
’
t. For guys, it
’
s a little more difficult without–I won
’
t go into detail.
”
“
So you didn
’
t have one, too?
”
“
No.
”
He laughs and runs his fingers up and down my back, comforting me.
“
We
’
d have to go a lot further for
that
to happen.
”
“
Well, that doesn
’
t seem fair.
”
“
It
’
s not about being fair, Liv. I thoroughly enjoyed that. Trust me.
”
“
Did it feel good to you, too?
”
“
Of course it did.
”
“
As good as having sex?
”
He considers his response for a minute or two.
“
Sharing that with you was like nothing I
’
ve ever felt before, but actually having sex with you will be exponentially better, I
’
m sure.
“
It might even be exponentially better for you, too,
”
he adds.
“
I don
’
t know how that would be possible.
”
“
That sounds like a challenge,
”
he says suggestively.
“
What can I do for you? Tonight?
”
I ask him.
“
How are you at back massages?
”
“
I have no idea,
”
I tell him.
“
You
’
d be my first, but I
’
ll give it a try.
”
“
Awesome,
”
he says as he rolls over and tucks a pillow under his chest. Kneeling beside him, I start to press my fingers into his back.
“
It might be easier if you kneel over me? Then you can put your whole body into it.
”
“
Oh, yeah,
”
I say, suddenly nervous. I settle myself against his lower back and put my hands on his shoulders, kneading.
“
Use your palms,
”
he says.
“
Just lean into it and press the weight of your body into it.
”
“
I don
’
t want to hurt you!
”
I laugh.
“
You won
’
t. I
’
ll let you know if you do, but you won
’
t.
”
I take his advice and move my hands to the middle of his back and push the entire weight of my body into the massage. He moans softly.
“
See, that hurt, right?
”
“
No, it feels amazing. Keep going.
”
I press my hands against the middle of his back, moving down, up and back down again. He
’
s resting his head on his arms, his eyes closed.
“
Are you asleep?
”
I whisper.
“
No,
”
he mumbles.
“
Just enjoying this.
”
“
What are you thinking about?
”
“
Just you.
”
I smile at his answer and move my hands up to his shoulders. I rub his left one first, then move over to the right, reading the statement that
’
s permanently emblazoned on his back. I trace each letter with my finger before leaning into him and kissing it once more. He sighs beneath me.
“
Do you have any regrets about it?
”
I ask him.
“
None whatsoever.
”
“
But it
’
s, like, permanent.
”
This fact seeps in. He will wear that forever.
“
That was the point.
”
My pulse quickens at his response, which excites me and freaks me out, all at the same time. I don
’
t know how he can be so sure about me. I wonder if he
’
s even considered the prospect that maybe we won
’
t work out.
“
But what are you going to tell all of your future girlfriends about it?
”
“
Well, I
’
ve decided I can only date women named Olivia from now on. That
’
s an easy solution. I
’
ve never met an Olivia I didn
’
t like.
”
“
And how many have you met?
”
I ask him, knowing that my name isn
’
t too common.
“
Just one.
”
He peeks out at me from the corner of his eyes with a mischievous smile across his lips. He starts to roll onto his back beneath me, but as I start to move off of him, he catches my hips and keeps me there, helping to settle me back down against him. He puts his hands on my knees, scratching my legs playfully.
“
Honestly, I hope I don
’
t have to explain anything to anyone. That story was for you, and only you.
”
His eyes pierce directly into mine, through me, into my soul.
“
I
’
m not looking to have any other girlfriends, Olivia.
”
I bite my lip and nod at him, fully understanding his devotion for possibly the first time. He takes my hands in his.
“
Does that scare you?
”
“
A little, yeah,
”
I say shyly.
“
That
’
s probably good. Then you know I
’
m serious about you.
”
“
I just don
’
t know how you
’
re so sure.
”
“
You
’
re not?
”
“
I just–
”
I start, not sure what to say.
“
I don
’
t want to get hurt. And you have the power to do that.
”
“
I
’
m not going to hurt you, Olivia.
”
“
Yeah, but supposedly guys will say anything to get a girl to have sex with them.
”
“
I
hate
those guys. I
’
m not one of those guys. I hope you know that.
”
“
I hear you saying that, yeah, but in the end, they
’
re just words, right? I could tell you that you
’
re the dumbest guy in the world right now, and you and I both know that would be a lie. But I could still say it. I could even still believe it.
”
“
You
’
re right. They
’
re just words until I can truly show you how much I care about you. I got the tattoo to show you that I
’
m here to stay. I mean, it
’
s permanent. It will be a part of me until the day I die. I kind of hope you
’
re with me, too.
”
“
If you could show me, how would you?
”
He sits up and crosses his legs, arranging me in his lap. I wrap my legs around him for balance, but like the way it feels. He puts one of his arms around my waist. I keep my hands folded in front of me, pressed between our bodies.
He picks my left hand up and kisses my ring finger. Suddenly distracted, he points out the paint stains again.
“
Why do you like these?
”
“
They just remind me of someone,
”
I tell him honestly. He looks at me, curious.
“
Not like that,
”
I laugh.
“
Just someone I admire.
”
“
Oh,
”
he says, still not convinced.
“
You were going to tell me something. If you could show me, what would you do?
”
I remind him of my question, his lips inches from mine.
“
I
’
d stand with you at an altar, in front of all of our families and friends. I
’
d promise you everything I had to give you, and I
’
d hope that it was enough to keep you happy, forever. I
’
d place a ring on your finger, and I
’
d let you place one on mine. And I
’
d kiss you. And it would be the best kiss of your life. You
’
d be dizzy when we were finished, only we wouldn
’
t be finished.
“
I
’
d carry you back down that aisle, to the sound of applause from everyone who knows us. If ever they had doubts, they
’
d know from this wedding that true love lives and breathes and thrives and grows in you and me.