“
But he didn
’
t let me get that far. This room was empty. Jen had moved out recently, and I hadn
’
t done anything to replace the furniture she took. I set up my iPod and played some romantic music... and we danced.
“
We talked a little about the loft, but then he kissed me and I felt something cold and metallic on my finger.
”
Her smile is huge, and her eyes begin to water.
“
And he simply said,
‘
Marry me, Emi.
’”
“
Wasn
’
t the ring he gave you something different than what you wear? A colored stone?
”
Granna asks.
“
Yeah.
”
“
He didn
’
t get you a diamond ring, Mom? That
’
s lame.
”
I glance at my own diamond ring and smile to myself. It
’
s obvious Jon loves me, forever.
“
The ring your dad chose was beautiful,
”
she corrects me.
“
It suited me perfectly. You remember the green ring, don
’
t you? With the butterfly?
”
“
That
was your
engagement
ring?
”
I
’
d always loved that ring.
“
It was. It just wasn
’
t the most practical ring to wear every day. So he surprised me with this a few years later.
”
She looks down at her finger and twists the large solitaire. It
’
s still bigger than most women
’
s engagement rings, but the green stone in her original ring was probably three times as big.
“
What kind of ring did Nate buy you?
”
“
There was never a ring,
”
Granna says.
“
There would have been, I
’
m sure, but they never got that far.
”
My mom shakes her head.
“
His proposal was just an impromptu, spur of the moment idea. It wasn
’
t well-thought out. There was no romantic speech, but I
’
m sure Donna
’
s right. In time, he would have picked a magnificent ring and had the perfect poem to accompany it. I
’
m certain of that. Nate had his own way of being sentimental.
”
“
Did Jackson have a toast prepared?
”
Granna asks, and Mom laughs.
“
I know he said something sweet and lovely, but to this day, neither of us really remembers what was said. I think he was nervous and I was completely caught off guard. I was crying. But we exchanged beautiful, personal vows at the wedding. I think we both said everything that needed to be said.
”
“
They were wonderful,
”
Granna agrees. I
’
ve seen the videos, but I
’
ve never paid attention to the words they spoke to one another, always mesmerized by how pretty Mom looked and how romantic their first, second and third kisses were. When I was younger, I
’
d rewind and play those parts back. It seemed like a fairy tale.
“
So, would this have been the nursery?
”
I ask, changing the subject back to Nate. The response is silence. I turn to face my mother, whose eyes have teared up. She takes a seat on the guest bed and puts her head in her hands.
“
Mommy, I
’
m sorry,
”
I tell her sweetly, going to sit next to her.
“
I think we should go,
”
Granna says.
“
I
’
m okay,
”
Mom says, swallowing hard.
“
I just remembered finding the little toy giraffe. Nate gave it to me just before the accident, and he had recorded a message. I stumbled across it that day you gave me the key, Donna. I was all alone in here, on the floor. I heard his voice–that beautiful voice I hadn
’
t heard in months–talking to our baby, and I realized there
’
d never be a baby in this room. I knew he
’
d never come in here again.
“
I suppose it would have been the nursery, yes. But honestly, I realized it would
never
be one before I ever thought it
might
be one.
”
“
I wish he had lived,
”
I tell her to comfort her.
“
And the baby, too. You loved him so much.
”
“
I did, sweetie,
”
she says,
“
and every day I wish the same things, but Nate and I weren
’
t meant to be together like that, as husband and wife.
”
I look at Granna to see her reaction. She doesn
’
t look shocked.
“
I don
’
t know how things would have worked out, if he had lived.
”
“
You would have made it work. For the baby, and for him.
”
“
I don
’
t know, Liv. I can
’
t imagine my life ending up any other way. I wish Nate
were
still here, was still my best friend. I wish he could have met Jack. I know they would have gotten along, eventually.
”
I frown a little and get back up, disappointed that my mom isn
’
t willing to talk more about Nate in the context that I
’
d like her to. She always has to focus back on Dad, and that bores me. I
’
ve heard all of those stories. As she and Granna continue to talk in the guest room, I walk back into the main room and lie down on the huge bed. Through the window, I see clouds roll in over the bright moon. I can hear a little street noise, and understand immediately why Nate liked to listen to music when he slept. It would mask the other noises from below. I begin to imagine myself living here, as if this was my home after high school. I could go to school at Parsons and live here in my loft apartment overlooking Central Park. I could have friends over for coffee any time. People could stay over in the guest room.
Jon
could stay over, could share the bed with me. My heart starts to palpitate at the thought.
Granna said I could come here. Mom
’
s stipulation was simply that I couldn
’
t come here alone.
I bite my bottom lip, knowing that my blossoming plan would technically not break any rules, but would very much disappoint Mom, Dad and Granna. But only if they find out.
When I see Jon again, I
’
m anxious but nervous to introduce my idea.
“
So then you haven
’
t made any plans yet?
”
I lean in to him as he waits for my response to his flashcard question. We
’
d been at the library for over three hours, but I wasn
’
t able to focus on my schoolwork at all. I couldn
’
t stop thinking about the date I wanted to have with him on Valentine
’
s Day, nor could I stop thinking about Nate
’
s loft, and the things I would hopefully discover.
“
What does this chemical formula stand for?
”
he responds, repeating the question he
’
d asked me twice already. He
’
s being playful, but I know he
’
s frustrated at my lack of attention to my homework.
“
I don
’
t care,
”
I answer, returning my focus to a large book of archived articles. I hadn
’
t found anything, and the excuse I
’
d used with Jon as to why I was looking through them seemed to be wearing thin, since I wasn
’
t
‘
learning
’
anything from them.
“
I
’
m never going to be a scientist,
”
I mumble.
“
Yes, but if you start getting bad grades, tutoring is over for me and you. That
’
s one less night a week I could see you. And that would suck.
”
“
Sodium bicarbonate,
”
I tell him through a heavy sigh,
“
also known as baking soda.
”
I flip to the last page in my book, disappointed when I realize I
’
d gone through my fourth book with no answers, and shut the back cover, pushing the tome aside.
“
Nice. Good job.
”
He smiles and leans into me, kissing me as a reward.
“
And no, I haven
’
t made plans yet. I wasn
’
t sure I
’
d truly convinced you to skip school.
”
“
I
’
m going to do it. But I want to help plan the day.
”
“
Well of course. It
’
s Valentine
’
s Day. It
’
s
our
day. We should plan it together.
”
“
Okay, cool,
”
I tell him, giddy.
“
Then don
’
t plan anything and I
’
ll work everything out–
”
“
Now, no, that
’
s not the deal.
We
will plan–
”
“
I promise, you
’
ll like what I have in mind.
”
He stops arguing with me and raises his eyebrows, curious.
“
You will.
”
“
And what do you have in mind?
”
He tosses the remaining flash cards haphazardly to the side, his eyes searching mine.
“
I
’
m not gonna tell,
”
I whisper, his lips less than an inch away. We stare at each other, both challenging the other, our smiles growing. My phone starts to vibrate on the table. After a few seconds, I finally break the gaze and glance down to see who
’
s calling.
“
It
’
s my dad,
”
I tell Jon, looking at the caller ID on my phone. I stand up with the large book and start toward the shelves where I got it, hoping to make it through another one tonight before we have to leave.
“
Well, answer it.
”
He instructs me as I hear him shuffling the cards around, getting back to work.
“
They don
’
t know where I am.
”
I drop the next archive selection on the table and decline the call, sliding the phone back in my purse. Jon closes my chemistry book, creating a loud thud that echoes through the cavernous room.
“
What do you mean, they don
’
t know where you are?
”
“
Lexi
’
s watching Trey, since my parents weren
’
t home.
”
I sit down and open up the book.
“
We always study on Tuesdays.
”
“
I know, but I don
’
t think they knew we were going to get together since I
’
m not back in school until tomorrow.
”
The phone rings again as I start to flip carefully through the pages.
“
Livvy, answer it,
”
Jon urges me.