Conviction (12 page)

“Adam,” I said. “My boyfriend’s name is Adam.”

The coffee shop was only a couple of miles away from campus. I had never been there before, but Melinda recommended it to me, saying the French vanilla lattes were something to die for. So when Adam called me and asked what I was doing that afternoon, I told him I would meet him there, using the need for coffee as the excuse and hoping that the walk might soothe my nerves.

It was already late in the day when I walked in, so those out there who needed their mid-day fix were long gone. I was ten minutes early, but I wanted to practice what I was going to say in my head, imagining the different conversation topics and how to avoid them if it came down to it, not to mention the exit routes if it became absolutely necessary.

I ordered a drink quietly and picked a table close to the door, but not too close. Unfortunately, there were no seats left by the windows so I couldn’t look to see him coming or not…to watch for surrounding police vehicles.

I burnt my tongue on the coffee, swearing out loud and dribbling a few drops on my shirt.

“Fantastic.” I grabbed a napkin and started to dab to prevent the stain.

“I hear caffeine is very fashionable this year.”

His voice came up beside me, stealthy, but not what I expected. Maybe he learned how to sneak-up on people at Quantico. I added it to my conversation topics to discuss for later.

“Oh…” I blushed at what I imagined was an embarrassing sight. “Hi.”

Adam offered me another napkin, and though I took it, I was slightly more focused on his blue pinstriped tie and gray suit. He looked a little different from the last time I saw him, his hair parted in the center, though longer on the sides, leaning just a little on his earlobes. He smiled and looked happy to me, something that I’ll admit was nice to see on someone for a change.

“Can you believe how clumsy I am? I’m surprised I’ve been alive this long.”

“It’s nothing short of amazing.”

We laughed.

“So you look really good. College life agrees with you.”

I gave up on my shirt and sipped at my coffee instead. “Sure.”

“I mean it.” He put down his computer bag and sat across from me, which was fine until he took another napkin and start dabbing at a spot on my sleeve. This too would have been fine, except his palm rested a lot longer than it had to on the crook of my elbow. I pulled away, unsure of how to handle myself.

“You, ah—look okay, too.” What was I supposed to say? On one hand I didn’t want to be a flirt, but I didn’t want to be completely rude, either.

Luckily, however, he intercepted the uncomfortable idea of flirtation with an announcement of his own. “Thanks. My girlfriend has me eating nothing but organic. I guess that helps.”

“A girlfriend?” I smiled and then immediately winced. “Congratulations. But—”

“Healthy food, I know.”

“My condolences.”

“I might be living out of a food-truck while I’m in the area.”

I laughed harder. “I won’t tell if you don’t. So, how’s my Dad?”

“He’s good.” Adam nodded. “Says ‘hi.’ Wants a full report on how you look, your health, all that stuff.”

“Typical Dad.”

Adam ordered a coffee and we split a brownie. We talked about professors who couldn’t speak English very well and overzealous Criminology students with their questions about the Bureau.

“Yeah, right,” I joked. “I bet you loved it.”

“I may have loved it a little bit.”

“I knew it.”

“I knew you knew it.”

We laughed again.

“For all their eagerness, I think a lot of these kids just want a job with a gun.”

“Makes sense.” I nodded. “I’m sure more people would rather be James Bond than Q.

Adam shook his head. “It seems like kids miss the entire point of ‘
serve
and protect.’”

I only shrugged in reply.

“Speaking of things missing—”

“Oh boy, here it comes.”

“How are you doing, really?” He brushed the crumbs from the table.

“I should have known you were going to ask.”

“Your Dad is worried about you. I’ll admit, statically speaking, you’re a bit of an abnormality. You’ve never reported having nightmares, flashbacks…and now you’re so close—”

“I’m fine, okay? I really am.” I laughed through a mouth of foam. “Do I have to take a lie detector test or something to prove it to you guys?” I faltered at the suggestion. A lie detector would be terrible. Not only would it prove I was lying about being ‘fine,’ but it could prove I knew more than I was saying.

“Okay, take it easy, Killer.”

I flinched at the inadvertent nickname. It was so close to Charlie’s nickname for me, so close to the way he would react in that situation, I couldn’t help but hate it. Panic came over me instantaneously, making the coffee shop smaller and the bile rise in my throat. I suddenly wasn’t so sure why Agent Harpsten had wanted to meet with me, but I did know that I had to get out of there.

“Addie? Are you okay? Is it something I said?”

“Uh, yeah, sorry. Just—um, realized the time that’s all. Is it four already? I told my roommate I’d hang out with her at her play rehearsal tonight.”

“That sounds neat. What are they performing?”

“Uh,
Othello
. I’ve got to run.” I rushed to toss my coffee cup and secure the straps of my backpack, but I think the fear on my face might have been evident. I couldn’t wash it away, no matter how hard I tried to channel my thoughts of Charlie. Adam was instantly suspicious of my movements. “Uh all right—will you—?”

“Give my Dad love, okay? Assure him I’m alive and all that?” I tried laughing but it was obviously forced, hazed and distorted. I wished I had spent more time watching Melinda practicing expressions in the mirror.

Obviously, I wasn’t as practiced a liar as I thought.

His booming voice stopped me at the door.

“Addie?”

Frankly, I didn’t know his happy-go-lucky voice could boom.

I gulped. “Yeah?”

“You’d tell me if something was wrong right?”

I nodded. “Absolutely.”

Chapter 9

Charlie and I wandered around the winery like two ordinary people. Originally, we started out with the tour, but ended up meandering off in secret corners for stolen kisses and rushed confessions of love. We encouraged more from each other with every moment of affection, right up until I noticed the woman working at the gift shop glaring up at us and scowling like we were criminals bent on a rampage.

“You know we’re breaking some laws here?”

His laugh was husky in my ear, warm but still leaving me with shivers. “What? Underagers are allowed to be in here. You ain’t really allowed to try anything, but that isn’t a big deal.”

I took his hand and pulled him behind a display of barrels, almost large enough to conceal us both.

“That isn’t what I’m talking about.” I giggled as he kissed my ear. So much for my attempt at hiding. “You know public luridness is illegal, don’t you?”

“Oh, I haven’t gotten lurid, at least not yet.” He leaned down closer, letting his hand trail to the small of my back. “Just wait till you hear what I really want to taste…”

I pulled away from him and retreated to the restroom. I thought if I didn’t splash some cold water on my face, not only would my blush never come out, but I’d never be able to get through the rest of the day without some serious luridness myself.

We accidently caught up with the tour when people stopped to take pictures by the old distilleries. I stood beside Charlie as the rest of the tourists crowded the narrow hall, and though I may have appeared patient, I was anything but. All of my motivation lay in my eagerness to get Charlie all to myself again. I had to admit, that though my thoughts were explicit, I felt justified in having them. There was an exhilarating aspect in knowing that I was a sexually active person. A thrill that didn’t run entirely on fear or adrenaline alone. Charlie was a secret to the people in my life, but between the two of us, every inch, every scar was noted and catalogued. And I had no intention of simply memorizing him. Instead, I was going to learn everything about him, what made him tick, squirm, and fidget for more. 

“Did you know that sailors used to drink to ward off scurvy? That, and the water was usually bad.”

“Ah, that explains the stereotypical drunken sailor.”

He grinned. “Yep.”

“I knew there was a reason you wanted to come here.”

“Other than getting you liquored up?”

I smiled at him. “You know you don’t need to ply me with anything to get me into your bed.”

“You say that now.” He pulled my waist until our hips just bumped. “What ‘bout when I’m an old man and you can’t stand the sight of me?”

I stood on my tippy-toes and kissed the end of his chin. “That will never happen.”

I watched while a couple not much older than us stood up against a rusted out crank. The woman had a pixie cut with highlights that showed off her dark eyes, and the man with her laughed at something she said. With some encouraging words from the woman, the tour guide took a photo of the two of them and another one when the man pulled up her hand. I saw the engagement ring and the wedding band under the glossy light, shining as she waved. He held his up and kissed her as the flash went off.

The sinking feeling dove back into my stomach again, shifting me into a gloomy mood. Charlie had joked that I wouldn’t want him as an old man. And though I wasn’t positive, I thought that was probably the first time he had ever mentioned the future more long-term than a police report would allow.

The tour guide congratulated them on their recent nuptials. Wished them a happy honeymoon.

Despite my best efforts, the sinking feeling weighed me down, hovering over my great mood. Would I ever be congratulated and fawned over like that happy, young couple?

I looked at Charlie, who cracked his knuckles. A clear indicator he was itching for a cigarette.

Something in me told me right then and there, that no, I would never get any of that.

The more I thought about it, the more the future overshadowed me, eventually overlapping my giddiness and making me feel blue. And though I tried to stay focused on our outing, I couldn’t, even when Charlie and I made the slow drive to his place. The trailer that Charlie rented was owned by an elderly couple who sublet several of the little mobile homes at an attempt to make extra income without much upkeep. Charlie’s was at the edge of Healdsburg and out of reach from everyone else, and though I had been in California for months now, it was only the second time I had been there. The first time I hadn’t even gone inside. Charlie made up excuses and returned before I even got my helmet off.

But now his attitude was drastically different, and I could understand why. We had the entire day to ourselves, no favors to fulfill, no homework, no places to be. And with the all too recent scare behind us, he was more attentive than usual, giving me these looks like I was the only person he had ever seen. I wanted to return them, tried to return them, but I was slightly preoccupied with how I was going to handle the Adam situation. Charlie was jealous when there was nothing to be jealous about, and I worried about how I would get him to see the logical side of the argument. How could I get him to see things from my perspective? Frankly, I didn’t think I’d be able to handle it if he went off the deep end. And every other time I looked at him that was all I could picture. What if Charlie saw red when I told him Adam had come here to visit me and he went berserk?

Then what about Dad and Robbie? How much longer could I keep giving them a half-truth? Eventually, I’d have to tell them everything about Charlie, about the life I’d been living for the last year. What would that do to them? I could see Dad having a heart attack and Robbie never forgiving me, both of them disowning me, turning me over to the authorities…

I shook my head. There were a dozen different ways it could end, and none of them were happy.

“Hey.” Charlie brushed his thumb against my cheek. It made me jump. “Are you all right?”

I made myself smile. “Uh, yeah. A little out of it, I guess.”

I saw the Charlie grin as he worked to open the door of the trailer. I also noticed immediately that it wasn’t locked.

“Don’t you lock your door?”

“Nope. This thing barely opens as it is.” He shook it some more. “‘Sides,” he turned his head so his grin was as sly as it was lopsided, “who would be stupid enough to steal from me anyways?”

I followed him inside, slightly surprised by how cool it was despite the lack of air flow and minimal amount of windows. Naturally, I went to inspect my surroundings, looking at the details on the paper on the closet shelf, the etched-in scratches on the built-in cutting board. However, Charlie mistook my inspection for judgment, and rubbed the back of his neck, sighing nervously.

“Sorry, it’s, ah—kinda crowded in here.”

I smiled back. “Are you kidding? It’s just like a dorm, though I see why you like it.” I gestured to the stack of sketchbooks on the makeshift kitchen table, and the path that led up to them from the small bed. “This must feel just like a cabin to you.”

Grinning, Charlie shook his head and tangled his arms around me, pulling me close. I looked in the kaleidoscopes of his eyes. Surrounded by the shadowy gray of the trailer, they looked olive against the lack of light.

“You know, it’s funny you mentioned that.”

“Mentioned what?”

His eyes pulled from mine then, and his frame tensed around me. “Well, with uh, summer coming up and everything—”

I tensed instantly, knowing what and where this would lead to. I could almost see the gears in his head turning, the idea working away. And I simply wasn’t ready for it...
Charlie and Elise had already been working at it steadily, but I had avoided the subject like a champion and wasn’t going to be swayed now. Elise had been dropping steady hints about wanting to learn real Italian cooking, and I noticed Charlie mention more than once to Ben about looking into European real estate. But what everyone seemed to forget was that at some point during the summer months I had to bring Charlie home to introduce him to Dad and Robbie. Telling them about Charlie wasn’t going to be enough (for all I knew they might think I was being delusional and not believe me); above and beyond that, I didn’t think my brain was even capable of contemplating fun. My work first, play later methodology had never failed me before, so why would it now?

“You’re not talking about a vacation are you?”

What was left of his smile lashed back into a frown.

“Well, kinda, yeah.” He laughed nervously as he shuffled his feet. “You make it sound like a disease.”

I sighed. How could I put a positive spin on this without sounding egotistical? “Don’t you ever get sick of traveling?”

Of course I knew how much he enjoyed that particular aspect of his job. But the truth was that I hadn’t yet broached the subject of taking Charlie home yet, and wasn’t quite sure how. Charlie always claimed that he was the selfish one, but the fact of the matter was that I was the selfish one, greedy, really. I wanted all of the people in my life to get along, every person I loved to love one another, and it seemed impossible to me that there could be a world where that would happen the way I wanted it to; at least not without a great deal of work on my part.

But if Charlie wasn’t willing to participate as a member of my family, then I certainly couldn’t force him. I knew he trusted me, but how could I ever know that he would trust Dad or Robbie? I couldn’t blame him for being afraid of prison, for being nervous that they would turn him in.

How would I convince him that I needed
all
of them?

“What is it?” he asked me. “Really?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I have a lot on my mind; school, my Dad and Robbie…”

He squeezed me tighter. “That’s why you gotta get away. Just you and me—”

“And no layers in between?”

His eyebrow shot straight up. “That’s a picture worth drawing.” Charlie sighed and pulled me tighter. “What?”

I sighed again. If I wasn’t going to broach the subject of home, then at least I could be upfront about the other topic bothering me, the other source of my anxiety.

“Adam Harpsten came to see me.”

I tugged at him when he winced, implored by either the sound of my voice or my words, I wasn’t quite sure. All I was sure of was that his reaction made me regret the words as soon as I said them, and I wished I could have taken them back; locked them up inside so that they bothered only me instead of Charlie.

“Why?”

My throat tingled. I hated the sound of his voice, his ferocious irritation coming from within. Even now, it amazed me that the wrath could be so far one minute and so abundant the very next.

“He did some lecture for Criminology
students-”

Charlie’s words were slow, focused. “At your school.”

I didn’t want to lie. “No.”

He let go of me, stood up swearing, mumbling to himself like he was prone to do. I gave him that space, thinking it might be better if he had a minute to blow off steam without me so close by. Occasionally, this alone was enough to help keep his tantrums at bay. Yet as the seconds ticked by, it occurred to me that this wasn’t going to be one of those cases.

“Charlie, calm down. It’s okay. He didn’t ask me any questions about last summer—”

“I don’t care ‘bout that!”

“Then why are you upset?” He scoffed as if my confusion amused him. “Lousy, good for nothin’—”

“Charlie, talk to me.”

“And you—you went and saw him?”

I was equally confused. But Charlie was like a volcano ready to explode, and though I knew he’d never hurt me, I was certain he was capable of anything else. And that was almost scarier than never seeing him again.

“B-because, he’s my friend, because he asked.”

“He’s your
friend
?”

“Yes.” I stood up, fueled by a slight anger of my own. I knew Charlie was possessive, that he was prone to jealousy, which was a part of him I had accepted and signed up for. But I refused to be one of those girls who let their significant other dictate their life, denying them relationships with the opposite gender, and only granted permission for things they felt comfortable with. “I’ll have the friends I
want
to have. Just because I love you doesn’t mean you get to control my life. And besides, it’s better to be nice to people who may be suspicious about you then hold them at arm’s length.”

“Why did you see him?”

“I just told you—”

“He wasn’t at your school, right?”

I shook my head.

“So ya met up with him even though you didn’t have to?”

“For coffee,” I confirmed. “Yeah.”

When he kicked the refrigerator, the compressor inside made a terrible noise, something between a churning and a winding. Instinctively, I went for him, but he pulled from me and turned to the other side so I couldn’t see his face. His sudden coldness hurt me much more than I wanted to admit, but I didn’t say anything.