Chapter Thirty-one
Joshua
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After Alex was released from the hospital and I had her settled comfortably at home, I went to Big Willie's Barbershop on Fulton Street to get a haircut. It was a midsized shop with freshly painted blue and red checkered walls. A huge flat-screen television set was mounted on the wall. Men came from all around Brooklyn to get their hair cut, beard shaved, or their shoes shined. Not only would a man leave fresh and clean, but he would leave calmer too. Big Willie knew a lot about life, or at least that's what the local folk thought. He was a nice, older guy. He kind of reminded me of my grandfather.
While I was there, one tall, young man was talking about how his wife had left him for another man.
“Well, she never was really yours, was she?” Big Willie asked the man. “If she was really yours, she'd still be here. Let her go. You can't keep nothing that ain't yours.”
I thought about it for a minute. Not exactly my grandmother's wisdom, but not exactly wrong either.
My jaws tightened as I thought about Seger Abasi. Trust was something I had to really work on and lately, it was wearing thin. Why was he so interested in my wife? Alex claimed he was friendly to everyone, but I still believed I saw something more in his eyes when it came to her. I couldn't stop thinking about his hands on my woman that day at the hospital.
Yes, I asked him to leave, and yes, I slammed the door in his face, but what was I supposed to do?
Was I supposed to ask him to stay and continue to push up on my woman? I didn't hate the brother, but I didn't want him to touch my family, not Alex or Kiano, or anything that was mine. I didn't trust that situation at all.
The last time I trusted a woman with my whole heart, she had destroyed it. I mean, she had wrapped me around her sneaky little finger, and then set me on fire. Delilah played me just like the Delilah in the Bible played Samson. What a fool I was the first time around.
I remembered the day the hospital called me to say Delilah had died on the operating table, trying to abort our child. And probably all for the sake of ambition, to save that miserable career of hers. It was hard to believe she loved her career more than me. Yes, it was the worst day of my life. Not only was she gone, but she had taken my unborn child with her, the one I never even knew about. I didn't know how to react or how to feel. It hurt more than anything, but how was a real man supposed to feel when my whole life had been stolen from me? Was I supposed to feel angry or suicidal? I didn't know. I couldn't talk. I couldn't cry. I couldn't read.
There were no books on it that I knew of. Sure, there were books on grief, but this grief was different because it was mixed with rage.
And how was I to tell my judgmental mother that the woman she had warned me about on several occasions not to get myself involved with had died and taken her second grandchild with her to the grave? “Was the child even yours, Joshua?” Mother had said, and I cried out even more, even as I cursed the possibility. Had Delilah wanted to get rid of the child because it wasn't mine? I didn't know which thought was worse, but I knew she had taken the truth with her to the grave. I used to wonder if I'd ever get over it, if I'd ever trust a woman again.
I blinked away the memory as I sat in Big Willie's chair and listened.
I didn't have all the answers, but I knew I loved Alex. God blessed me with her, and even though I didn't want Seger anywhere near her at all, I wasn't willing to lose her.
When I arrived home, Alex met me at the door. She didn't look happy to see me, but she looked relieved.
“I'm sorry, so sorry about arguing with you,” I said.
“I'm sorry too,” Alex sighed.
Then I said all the things I imagined my wife would want to hear. I kissed her and caressed her. “I promise that things will get better.”
She took me in her arms. “I know.”
“I'm going to give you the life you deserve.” I put my head against her breasts. “I'm sorry.”
“It's okay,” she said, but her body seemed limp, and so did her spirit.
I was grateful that I hadn't lost her. Yet I wondered what exactly I'd have to do to keep her, and as I looked into her vacant eyes, I wondered if it was already too late to try.
Chapter Thirty-two
Alex
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After two weeks of unbearable tests, I was released from the hospital and put on bed rest.
I woke up smelling sausage and biscuits that Joshua made for everyone. It entered my nostrils and called me to the kitchen. There, the three of us ate a delicious meal before Joshua prepared to go off to work.
I sighed because it was another day at home on bed rest for me, and I didn't like it, not one bit. There was too much I wanted to do. I logged on to my laptop, working out all the plans for the ministry. At Joshua's insistence, Lilah left with him to go to Mrs. Johnson next door. She would stay there at least until after lunch. Then Mrs. Johnson would walk Lilah back across the hall. She would also deliver a freshly cooked meal no matter how many times I told her she didn't have too. Sweet Mrs. Johnson, complete in her long skirts and a wrapped-up head, belonged to that holiness church up the street. No pressed hair or makeup. Just plain old pale skin and a short, nappy 'fro. She seemed happy though, for whatever that was worth, at least happy enough since she'd put out lying and cheating Mr. Johnson.
After Joshua had gone, I began to put together the program for Young Women's Giving Life Ministry, incorporating all the areas I was concerned with: pregnancy, nonabortion options, prenatal care, counseling, postabortion counseling, childcare classes, workplace etiquette, abstinence, the dynamics of Christian dating, and women's health. The issues just kept flowing, and I was anxious to address each one of them. We were meeting once a month now, but I wanted to step it up to meeting on a weekly basis. Yes, I had a lot on my plate, but all of these workshops were needed. How could I possibly abandon my girls just because I had a little setback in my personal life? That was definitely not me. Give, give, and give some more.
That
was me.
So I pulled myself together and tried to stay as busy as possible, typing, calling, and planning for the ministry. Mrs. Johnson brought Lilah home on schedule, but minutes later, the doorbell rang again. I put my slippers back on and slowly shuffled to the door.
“Just a minute. I'm coming,” I called out before opening the door.
It was Taylor. “Hey, girl. Let me in. It's burning up out here.”
“Okay, okay. Come in. How are you?” I reached my arms around my sister.
“Hi, Ms. Taylor,” Lilah said.
“Hi, kid. How are ya?”
“I'm good,” Lilah said, skipping around the couch.
“She's just getting home from Ms. Johnson's,” I told Taylor.
“Oh, I see.” Taylor took off her coat. “How was your day, sweetheart?”
Lilah picked up her doll. “It was okay.”
“I know. Why don't we all play a game?” I reached into the hall closet and pulled out the Uno cards.
Taylor pointed to herself as if my suggestion was a joke, then she gave in and said, “Sure, why not?”
The three of us played six rounds of Uno. It reminded me of my childhood and how Taylor and I would play games with our mother. I couldn't wait for Taylor to marry Keith and have kids. Then we'd really be a unit.
Afterward, I took Lilah to her room to watch
Dora
and led Taylor into the kitchen so I could start my stew. I began to cut up potatoes, carrots, and onions. “I've got to get this dinner started.”
“Aren't you supposed to stay off of your feet as much as possible? Why are you cooking?” Taylor questioned.
“It's not that serious. I'm only throwing a few things into a pot with this beef. Then I'll sit down.”
“Okay, but you look like a hot mess.”
“Well, thanks a lot, diva.” I thought about the fact that I was still in my pajamas, had just taken off my head scarf, and that I hadn't used any kind of skin cream in a couple of days.
“I'm just sayin', fix yourself up a little or something.” Taylor started adjusting the collar on my robe. “If I had known, I could've brought my stuff and given you a makeover.”
I slapped her hand away. “Oh, do I look that bad?”
Taylor put her hand in my uncombed hair and frowned. “You ain't looking good, if that's what you're asking.”
I took a playful swing at her, and she ducked. “How can I look good, or even care, when it feels like I'm living in hell?”
“Well, you sure don't look like you're living in heaven, that's for sure.” Taylor shook her head. “What's going on now?”
“It's Joshua. I just don't know what's happening with our relationship.”
“Come on. It can't be so bad. You two are still newlyweds, really.”
“Well, it doesn't feel like it. Feels like we've been married forever.”
“Now that ain't a good sign.”
“I just don't know. He's been so unapproachable lately. First, it was the fertility issue, and now that I'm pregnant, things are no better. I mean, were there warning signs before? Did I miss something?”
Taylor shook her head. “Nah, sweetie. You just did the unthinkable.”
“And what's that?”
“You fell in love and got married.” Taylor laughed uncontrollably. “Can't say I didn't warn you, but he's all yours now.”
“I know, and I do love him. I just pray that things will change.”
“I'm praying for you too.”
Taylor stayed for half an hour longer, and then she called a cab to take her back to the gym. Push It Fitness Center was solace for Taylor, and I was glad she had something to keep her mind off her legs.
I continued to dice carrots and onions until I put them all into the pot to let them simmer.
After noticing the time, I also put a kettle of water on for Joshua's tea. It was so hot though, I really should've made iced tea instead. I had to hurry because I wanted everything to be ready when he came home. I really hoped he wouldn't come home moody like he had been lately. I hoped he was ready to talk, or at least ready to embrace meâlike he had at the beginning of our marriage, not the way he did since we've been on this fertility ride.
My doorbell rang again, and I answered it, thinking that maybe Taylor was back for some reason. When I swung the door open wide, there was Seger looking down at me. I was a little hesitant to let him in, but I let my courteous nature overrule my good sense.
“Hello,” Seger said.
“Oh, hi, Seger.” I stood back and let him walk inside. Once he was in, I blocked him from going any further.
As if he sensed my hesitation he said, “I'll only be here for a minute.”
“You didn't have to come all the way down here toâ”
“Actually, I had some business to take care of downtown so ...”
“You know I'd like to apologize again for by husband's attitude the other day at the hospital. Iâ”
“Don't. That's not necessary.” Seger cleared his throat.
“I understand. If I had a wife as beautiful as you, I'd be looking out too.”
I paused. “It was very embarrassing.”
“Don't worry about it,” Seger said. “Listen, I don't mean to bother you, but I was thinking about your situation, and I think I may have a resolution.”
“Really?” I was both curious and nervous at the same time about him being here. If Joshua knew Seger was anywhere near his house, he'd be upset.
“Yes.”
“Well, don't tease me with it.” I smirked at the thought that Seger might have an answer to my problems. “What is it?”
At that point, Seger walked past me and sat down in one of our leather armchairs. “I can give you the money you need.”
“Oh no. We couldn't do that. We wouldn't,” I said.
“Okay, then, a loan, perhaps?” Seger handed me an envelope. “Here is a formal proposal.”
“You're very generous, but that's a lot of money, and besides, Joshua wouldn't like it.”
“Talk to him about it and see. If he really wants to adopt Kiano, and that's the priority, then the rest shouldn't matter.”
“It shouldn't, but it does.” I sat on the arm on the couch facing him, nervously swinging my leg back and forth.
“Maybe he'll at least consider it.” Seger leaned forward.
“Maybe, but I seriously doubt it,” I said.
“Oh, don't doubt, my sister.” Seger smiled. “You've got to have faith in order for it to come to pass.”
“Look, I know that butâ” I hopped up and walked over beside him as if I were ready to lead him to the door. “I don't think it's a good idea that you're even here right now, so thanks for the offer, but you've got to go.”
Right on cue, he stood up and walked to the front of the room. “Your husband is a businessman. He can look at this as a business deal if he wants.”
Seger sounded very convincing, even though I was almost positive that my husband wouldn't go for it. Maybe if he didn't already dislike Seger the outcome would be different.
“Well ...”
“We can have contracts drawn up, and it can all be very official and professional,” Seger said.
There was no need to hurt his feelings. “I don't know, Seger, but thanks again for the offer. It was sweet.”
Seger stared at me. “You're welcome.”
“No, really. I appreciate it.” I touched his arm in a sisterly way and smiled.
“I just want Kiano to have the parents he deserves,” Seger said.
Parents.
That was such a big word. I thought about mine and how carelessly they raised me. How my father was not there for me much of the time. But I turned out okay, I guess. But really, what kind of parents did anyone deserve? The ones that would love them, take care of them, support them, and that teaches them about God. The list went on and on. I knew that Joshua and I had a lot of love to give despite our shortcomings. I just hoped that love was enough.
“Thanks again.” I sighed, realizing Joshua would soon be coming home. “You really need to go now.”
Seger walked slowly toward the door, and then turned to me. “Of course. Take care of yourself.”
By this time I was holding the door open and ready to practically push him out of it. “You too.”
“And don't forget to run this idea by your husband.” Again, I thought about what he was offering. “I don't think Joshua will like it.”
At that same moment I looked up and saw Joshua standing in the doorway. “Joshua won't like what?”