Chapter Thirty-five
Alex
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By September I was in my seventh month of pregnancy. Our one-year wedding anniversary was fast approaching, and Joshua's dad seemed to be getting worse. His mom had already hired a temporary replacement for her husband, an interim pastor, a middle-aged minister from one of their sister churches, Minister Ezekiel. Yet, Mother Benning began sending little reminder notes about her proposal to Joshua weekly. She would remind him that he was her only son, that stepping up to pastor their church was his responsibility, that she and his sickly father were depending on him. Some of the notes were pushed under the door of our apartment, some were left at his office, some came by mail, and others came by e-mail. They all said the same thing. “Your father is very ill. What would Jesus do?”
The woman was absolutely relentless, and I could tell that she was wearing Joshua's resistance down. He looked weary. Sometimes he would stop by Kingdom House Church to assist his mother with whatever she needed, yet she still wasn't satisfied. She wanted more. It was as if she wanted his soul.
I wanted to assure him that everything would be all right, that his mother would forgive him, and that his father would recover, but I wasn't sure I was the right one to be giving guarantees. I knew a miracle was possible, but I didn't know if it was God's will.
In fact, whenever we visited his dad, he appeared to be getting weaker. Sometimes the chemo left him nauseated and incoherent.
One afternoon I went to the hospital by myself while Joshua was working. Pastor Benning seemed more alert than usual. He sat up high in the bed, with his back propped against numerous pillows, and his eyes were bright. Some of his color had returned to his pale skin, and his voice quivered less than it usually had.
“Joshua caught a good one when he married you, Sister Alex,” Pastor Benning said.
“Thanks, Pastor Benning. Too bad your wife doesn't think so.”
“My wife can be difficult sometimes. Don't worry about her. She'll come around eventually.” He smiled, and I could easily see that his kind demeanor was in his son.
“I hope you're right.”
“My wife is a very stubborn woman, but she's not stupid. Sooner or later, she'll realize that you're good for Josh.”
“Please help Joshua to understand. He puts his mother on such a pedestal. She's only human, you know.”
Got that right
. I had to really bite my tongue on that one.
“You know, you and Joshua have got to really understand each other.”
“Yes, sir,” I said.
“And you've got to sacrifice one for the other.” He grunted in pain for a minute. “I know you all think you can put it over on us older folk, but the truth of the matter is that you can't. Sometimes you have to be willing to give up something for your true love.”
“Oh, I do love Joshua. Don't worry,” I said.
“Ah, I've got you this time,” Pastor Benning chuckled. “He's not the true love I'm talking about.”
What haven't I given up for the Lord? I wondered. That question kept running through my mind for the rest of the day. Is there a sacrifice I've been unwilling to make? I mean, I did my daily Bible reading. I decided to put the thought away until another time. I already had so much rattling through my brain.
On Sunday, I was feeling so badly that I couldn't even go to church. I stayed bent under the covers, sweating and trying to keep myself from throwing up everywhere. Joshua and Lilah went without me. Joshua was dressed in his three-piece suit, complete with Stacy Adams shoes.
Lilah wore her lilac and white striped satin dress with matching ribbons and black patent leather shoes. Joshua kissed me on the lips. Lilah hugged me. I hugged her back, hard, hoping she would respond to my maternal nature.
I tried to bond with her every opportunity I could, and we had made some progress, just not as much as I had hoped. Yes, I tried time and time again. Each day there was just a string of monotonous mommy duties and disappointments, with none of the mommy rewards.
“Good night, sweetheart,” I'd say, holding her so tightly, smelling the fresh lemon scented detergent I used on her clothes and breathing in the sweet lavender-scented lotion I used on her skin. I wanted her to feel my love. I wanted her to feel a part of me.
Still she'd say, “Good night, Daddy. Good night, Sister Alex.”
Sometimes, when reprimanded, she'd say “Mother Alex,” but it just wasn't the same.
“Give it time,” Joshua said as we settled into our own plush bed at night.
When Mother Benning came to pick up Lilah, she only aggravated the situation. “Come on, baby, come and kiss your big mommy,” she'd say.
It would annoy me, but there was nothing I could do about it, except to pray. I was the only one in the family who felt like an outsider. I really hoped this baby I was carrying would change things. I thought that maybe then I'd truly be Mommy.
In any case, I didn't make it any easier when I almost lost Lilah at the mall. We were walking through the various stores, looking at both baby and household items. I held her hand tightly as we sped through each floor of the building. We even stopped to have chili cheese dogs and orange soda in the food court. Afterward, I had heartburn but kept on moving until I came upon a new baby store. It was nothing like I had seen in the mall before. They had very old-fashioned styles like lace dresses for girls and knickers for boys hanging in the window.
Since that suited my taste, I went in. That's when everything went wrong.
Somewhere between the racks of baby clothes, stacks of blankets, and the cash register, I lost sight of Lilah. Of course, I didn't realize it at the time. She had been twirling around the clothing carousels and having big fun at my expense the whole time. It was only at the cash register when I reached down into my purse for my wallet that I noticed she wasn't standing beside me. In fact, as I looked around and behind me, she was nowhere to be found. That's when panic set in. I jumped out of the line, yelling Lilah's name. There was no answer, but there were many solemn looks as people began to realize that my child was missing. I searched the small store with no success.
“Lord, please help me,” I prayed. Then I left the store looking around, bumping into people, and apologizing along the way. I almost knocked over an older gentleman with a cane.
Frantically, I searched the entire area in front of the store until I was out of breath. I didn't know where she could've been, but the growing pit on the inside of my stomach didn't make things any better
.
Just as I was about to notify security and call the police, I spotted her in a crowd across the way. She was peeking in at a puppy in a pet shop window.
“Lilah,” I cried out.
“Come and see.” She grinned her biggest grin, which let me know that she didn't even realize she was lost.
I ran over and grabbed her up into my arms.
“Isn't he cute?” Lilah said, pointing to the cocker spaniel.
Personally, I never cared for pets, but he was cute. And I was relieved.
“Don't you ever scare me like that again, do you hear me, little girl?” I gently shook her, and then pulled her into my chest. Tears filled my eyes as I imagined the worst that could've happened.
Thank you, Lord, for your divine protection
.
Later on that evening after Lilah had gone to bed, I told Joshua what happened.
He gasped. “How could you have been so careless?”
“
Excuse me
. I
told
you it was an accident.”
“Yes, but a dangerous one.”
“You act like I told you that I left her on purpose. I just turned my head for one second while I made my purchase.”
“I don't care. There was nothing you could have purchased in that store that could possibly be as important as my child's life.”
“Of course not. No one said it was. I just said that's what I was there for. I was shopping, and it happened. She must've wandered away when I dropped her hand to take out my wallet.”
Joshua sounded so stern. “Obviously.”
“Why are you being so mean? I said I was sorry and that it was an accident.”
“We can't afford accidents like that, not ones that could cost my child her life.”
“Oh, so now she's
your
child. I thought she was
our
child,” I said.
“Well, after today, can you blame me? It was a very irresponsible move, losing a four-year-old in the mall.”
“What are you saying? I've taken care of Lilah every single day for the past how many months, without any issues, and the one day that I make a mistake, you won't let it go?”
“
Let it go?
I can't just let it go.” Joshua talked with his hands. “That's
my
daughter we're talking about.”
“There you go again with
your
daughter. She's
our
daughter. In the morning when I'm making her breakfast, she's
our
daughter. All day long when I'm doing what I do, she's
our
daughter. When I'm bathing her, dressing her, or tucking her in at night, she's always
our
daughter. So why in the world, Joshua, would she suddenly become
your
daughter?”
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that,” he said in a low voice, reaching out for me.
“Yeah, right.” I pulled away from his reach.
“You know she's our daughter,” Joshua said.
“Uh-huh.” Now I was offended.
“Come on, now. You just scared me, that's all.”
“Right.” I sat with my arms folded tightly.
Joshua sat on the couch next to me. “Come on. I'm sorry; I know it wasn't your fault.”
“Are you sure?” I was ready to go off on a brother, even though that was more of my sister's style than mine. “Because I can explain again and hold my own.”
“No, I just love you and Lilah so much. I don't want anything to happen to either of you.”
Joshua held me tightly against his chest. I didn't move, wondering what his tune would have been if Lilah hadn't been found.
Chapter Thirty-six
Alex
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The Push It Fitness Center had always been an awesome gym, but ever since Taylor and Keith had purchased it, it was becoming even better. Besides state-of-the-art equipment, the center was now filled with African artistry. There was a glass showcase of shells, pottery, and figurines. Then there were the big prints on the walls, none of them original, but breathtaking just the same. Fresh paint covered most of the walls. The renovations were almost done.
I could tell that Taylor had pushed herself harder than ever, working out until her hair and face were dripping with sweat.
She looked over at me. “How are things going with Joshua now that you're having his baby?”
I smirked at her sarcasm. “Why, Taylor?”
“All right, I'm sorry. But you've got to admit your husband has been tripping for a while now.” She shook her head.
“He's the same Joshua,” I said, looking down.
Taylor smirked. “Yep. Uptight.”
“He is not.” I looked up and smiled. “But he is happy about the baby.”
“I'm just playing. You've got a good one, I'll give you that.”
Now was the time to ask her. “So do you, and by the way, how is Keith?”
“He's good.” Taylor avoided eye contact at this point.
“If he's so good, when are you going to marry him?”
“I don't know.” She threw one of her hands up. “Maybe never.”
“Never? What's the point of being engaged if you're never going to get married?”
“I ain't so sure I wanna marry him anymore.” Taylor put her hands over her face. “I'm thinking about giving him back his ring.”
I pushed my head back. “Whoa. Giving back expensive jewelry. Now I know you're serious.”
“I'm not playin'.” Taylor didn't blink.
“I see.”
She turned away from me. “I just ain't sure he's the one for me.”
I shook my head. “Oh, you've got to come up with something better than that. I haven't met two people who are better suited for each other than you two.”
Indeed this was true. Ever since she had met Keith, they had been a positive influence on each other. He helped her through the very excruciating physical and emotional pain she endured as a result of her accident. He also led her lovingly to the Lord. She, on the other hand, helped to renew his faith in miracles and challenged him to commit to a home church when he had become weary. Then, to top it all off, he invested in her dream to buy The Push It Fitness Center, and became her business partner. With Taylor as a physical trainer and Keith as a physical therapist, they had pushed each other to the brink and back again. There was no doubt in my mind that they belonged together.
“Well, maybe I'm just not with this whole marriage thing. Remember, that's
your
thing, not mine.” Taylor turned to me and frowned up her face.
“Oh, please. Spare me the drama. A couple of months ago you were as excited about marrying Keith as he is about marrying you.” I walked up close to her and got in her face. “Now what happened?”
“I don't know.” She turned her back to me again.
“You don't know? I don't believe that. I hope this isn't about that little silly promise you made about having to walk down the aisle.”
“It ain't silly. It's what I want.”
“I know that. But if you've got a great man waiting for you at the altar, then what difference does it make how you get there?” I tilted my head to the side for emphasis. “Walk, run, hop, slide, or crawl, but get there and get your man.”
“That's easy for you to say. You can use both your legs. I thought I would've been healed by now.” When Taylor turned around I could see the sadness in her eyes.
“I'm sorry, Taylor.”
Tears began to run down her cheeks. “Who would have thought that after one car wreck I'd lose everything.”
“You haven't lost everything.” I started counting her blessings on my fingers. “You still have your life, your family, your faith, and now you have Keith.”
“I thought I would've been back to normal by now,” Taylor yelled out. “After I started having feeling again in my legs, I just
knew
I was going to walk on my own.”
“But look how far you've comeâfrom paralysis to being able to get around on your own.
That's quite an accomplishment.” I knew how important it was to be supportive.
Taylor dried her eyes with her sleeve. “It's nothing.” “It's a big something. Don't give up faith. The scripture says by His stripes we are healed.”
“Yeah, yeah. Please don't go throwing scriptures at me, Mrs. Preacher's Wife.”
“I've been giving you scriptures long before I ever met Joshua.”
“Yeah, that's true. You were getting on my nerves then, and you're on my nerves now.”
“Just marry the man, all right? I promise you it'll be okay.”
“I told you already that I'll marry him when I can
walk
down the aisle
to
him.”
“When are you going to give up this ridiculous idea of walking again before you get married? God is a healer and all, but you can't put time limits on God's work.”
“You don't understand, I ain't never wanted nothing more than to walk down the aisle to Keith. He's the only one I ever dreamed about marrying at all,” she sniffled.
“I know that butâ”
Taylor's face looked like she was in deep pain. “No, you don't understand. It was never easy for me to give my heart away. I may look like you, but I'm not like you. Marriage ain't never meant that much to me.”
“But you love Keith. I know you do,” I pleaded.
Taylor squeezed her eyes shut. “But I don't want to be no cripple, having people feeling all sorry for me on my wedding day. That's just too much.”
“Oh, Taylor.”
“I want to be whole, not rolling in a wheelchair or on crutches, or a walkerâjust my own cute little toes in a cool pair of sling backs or something. Why can't everybody just understand that? I mean, God didn't create me with wheels, so why should I have them now?”
I looked at my very determined sister who wasn't ready to be pushed, pulled, or prodded down the aisle, not for anyone, not even for her fiancé. “I think you're just being stubborn and unreasonable.”
That was always Taylor's dilemma. She was relentless even when she was wrong. It was that kind of bona fide hardheadedness that had contributed to her accident in the first place. She had no business out clubbing with that guy, and then letting him drive her home while he was drunk. The memory of her twisted-up body in the hospital was too much for me. I hoped that this time she would listen before she got herself into more trouble.
“My wedding means too much to me. It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, 'cause I know if things with Keith don't work out, I'll never fall into this trap again.” Taylor turned her back to me. “I won't even try.”
“Come on, you can't be serious.”
“I am, and I won't marry him unless I can walk down the aisle on my own two legs.”
When Taylor first accepted Keith's proposal and told him under what conditions she'd marry him, I thought it was cute, but not anymore. “Keith is a great guy, and you're making him wait indefinitely.”
“So?”
“So it's not fair.” I walked over to face her. “It's almost like you're punishing him for loving you.”
“Don't you think I know that? I owe it to him. Keith is more than just some dude. He's the best physical therapist around, and he's also my business partner, and next to you, he's my best friend. I was blessed to meet him right after the accident.” Taylor looked me straight in the eyes. “I still remember not being able to feel anything below my waist. I thought I'd die.”
“But God didn't let you die.”
“But that junk was scary, even though everybody was praying.”
I burst out into laughter. “That's because your heathen self didn't believe in prayer back then.”
“Of course not. How could I have? Don't you remember Mama died with everyone praying. You don't know what it's like to be paralyzed, especially if you're like me, into fitness and stuff.”
I didn't feel like hearing it again. “I know. It was a nightmare.”
Taylor began to wipe the tears that were again running down her face. “I didn't want anything to do with Keith at first.”
“I remember. Poor guy was so nice and sweet, and you were so ... uh ... difficult.”
Taylor wiped her face with her sleeve. “I figured if my life was over, then there was no sense in making the pain worse. Shoot, I never knew he'd actually help me, help my pain, my mind ...”
“And your heart,” I added.
“Next thing I knew, we were good friends, even though he was one of those born-again types I didn't trust at all back then.” Taylor picked up one of her leg braces. “He helped me to not feel so helpless, and then he stuck by me when I wasn't strong.”
“Yep, he did.” I nodded my head in agreement.
Taylor poked out her bottom lip. “Even when I had a stank attitude.”
“Girl, your attitude was
worse
than stank,” I laughed.
“You know I didn't care too much for men back then,” Taylor smiled.
I jumped in. “Look, I know you still had issues with dad being gone andâ”
“And Mom too. I mean, she had her problems for a while until she got right. Let's be real.”
I had almost forgotten about that. It had been so long ago, I'd almost forgotten how disgusted I was with what my mother had become. I promised myself and Almighty God I'd never be like she was during that time in her life.
It wasn't that Mama didn't love us, but she'd always say, “A woman gets lonely sometimes.” Of course, that was just an excuse for the goings-on that happened while my father was away. But man, I always thought she should've waited a little longer for male companionship. Don't get me wrong, Mama never bad-mouthed my father. Nor did she ever bring any man home, but we sure knew she was stepping out with them, whether they were deacons, ministers, or just regular members. Since Mama was the friendly sort, and I guess that's where I get this from, she definitely went out a lot. She must've dated every single, available man at the church or even passing through. That's probably the reason Sister Winifred still looks at me sideways sometimes. See, all the folk knew Mama was still married to Daddy, even though he left and she'd put that wedding ring away and vowed not to speak his name.
It wasn't until Mama became for real Holy Ghost-filled and sanctified that her prayers got through. It's funny that when she stopped stepping out and decided to wait on the Lord, that's when she didn't have to wait very long. Daddy came home to stay.
The sight of Taylor lifting herself from the couch jolted me back to the present.
“But guess what? Keith even helped me with my man-hating issues. Even though he's not a psychiatrist, he's the first guy I ever trusted. Gotta admit I never thought it would happen to me. Unlike you, I was never the romantic type.” Taylor smiled. “But I guess love has a way of sneaking up on ya.”
Taylor struggled to get to me, using her braces and her walker, and all the strength she had. No matter how strong she tried to be, I still felt so sorry for her.
“You can do it, come on,” I said.
“I want to marry Keithâbut free of all this mess I've got. I thought God would take it all away.” Tears streamed from her eyes as she began to step forward.
“Alex, help me take off the braces. Let me just use the walker.”
“But, Taylor, Iâ”
“Please, Alex ...”
I helped her to get out of the braces as she propped her body against the wall. Then as soon as she saw me return to my original position, she took off using her own legs, transferring the bulk of her weight on the walker. Then without warning, her legs gave way and she came crashing down.
I watched my sister's strong body curled up in a heap on the floor, fighting back tears of vulnerability. I saw the defeat in her eyes as she struggled to get to her feet, and I knew that there was nothing anyone could do or say to help her. I knew that God would have to do a miracle, not of the legs, but of the soul, in order for Taylor to be whole again.