Crank (21 page)

me a plate of warm oatmeal cookies.

Hi, Honey. How was your day?

* *

I almost laughed. I almost cried.

I managed to hold both inside. "Okay."

Good deal. Hey, I need your input.

* *

My

input? Was this some odd

attempt at bonding?

What should we get Leigh

for Christmas?

* *

Christmas. It would come right on schedule, despite my predicament.

I already put an Xbox

on layaway

for Jake.

* *

Whatever choices I made, Jake would

indulge in the latest video games.

And I got Scott a new

set of clubs.

* *

Come spring, regardless of my decision,

Scott would enjoy a great game of golf.

But I'm just not sure about Leigh..

..

507

Leigh. Would she ever know the pleasure--or terror--of pregnancy?

Does she have a DVD player?

* *

I bobbed my head. "Heather does.

How about a Palm Pilot?"

Great idea! Leigh's so disorganized!

* *

The ice princess gently stroked

my hair, and for one very scary instant...

There's the buzzer. More cookies?

* *

I verged on coming clean.

508

I

Opened My Mouth

just as Scott rumbled through the door, winding down what

I guessed must have been a very long ramble:

* *

...

out-of-touch politicians...

... the !@#!*#@ economy...

..

. the next round of layoffs...

..

. the boss's decision to scale

back raises and Christmas

bonuses, despite signing

off on his own 20% pay hike...

* *

So much for ho-ho-ho.

So much for confessions.

So much for answers.

509

And then Mom made the mistake of turning on the radio as a weather

forecaster announced

we could expect snow, and enough of it for the ski resorts to enjoy a lucrative Thanksgiving.

Scott went off again.

* *

Just @!$%#@i perfect,

with the Jeep in the shop

and the Subaru needing tires.

November snow!

Can you imagine a worse omen?

510

O

mens! Great!

I wasn't about to try and dissuade the Powers-That-Be.

I still needed answers, however.

I picked up the phone, went into my room, and made a few calls.

* *

The first was to Dad. Not sure why.

Got his answering machine:

Me and Linda Sue were feeling

blue, so we went to Mexico.

Leave your number.

I'm getting a hummer.

* *

Linda Sue? Was she from Kentucky?

No doubt "Miss Louisville" paid for their trip.

But did the world have to know they had oral sex?

And who made Dad a (very bad) poet?

* *

On a crazy whim, I called Adam next.

Guess who was whining in the background.

511

Kristina? [Momento, Lince. I'll be right there.]

Well, yeah, we're hangin' out pretty steady.

In fact

--you won't believe this--

I'm going to be a daddy next summer.

* *

Oh, yeah, I believed it all right.

Apparently, though Lince still lacked

feeling in one arm, other parts felt plenty.

So much for Giselle. So much for summer visits.

* *

I muttered congratulations and hung up without sharing my own "good news."

512

I

Thought About Calling Leigh

but figured she'd tell Mom, "for my own good."

I called Robyn instead.

* *

"So I've got this friend who just

found out she's pregnant..."

Total bummer. How far gone

are y

--

I

mean... is she?

* *

"Six weeks. She's too scared to tell her parents...."

No doubt. What about the father?

Does he know?

* *

"No. And she's not going to tell him. He's a real a-hole."

No help from the father, no help

from her parents? Only one answer.

* *

"You mean abortion. What about adoption?"

Let me tell you a little story about

what happened to a friend of mine.

...

* *

Seems Robyn's friend chose adoption, then saw her baby and changed her mind.

513

"I don't see what's so awful about that!"

Ask the adoptive parents.

I'd tell you

to ask the baby, but you

can't.

* *

Seems Robyn's friend wasn't really

ready to be a mommy.

* *

"So... what? She gave the baby up for adoption, after all?"

She went on a three-day

bender. The

baby's crying drove her nut buckets.

* *

Seems, arm in arm with the monster,

Mommy shut the baby up.

For good.

514

S

now

Began

to

Fall

come

dusk

lovely

tangos

wind

and

flake

silent

wisps

growing

bold

wicked

relentless

hinting

winter's

random

temper

silver

frosted

morning

white

landscape

reflecting

purple

painted

sky

breath

taking

dazzling

lifting

me to heights

I'd

never

approached but as

Newton

would

opine

what

goes

skyward

must

surely

crash.

515

S

now Day

No plows, no buses, no school, nothing to do but fret.

I picked up the newspaper.

There, headlining Local News:

* *

MAJOR DRUG BUST with a picture of Roberto in a sporty pair of cuffs, followed by a daunting exposé--

La Eme and the crank epidemic.

Plus, in

Sierra Living

a complementary piece

outlining the horrors of meth:

* *

How it eats big holes in the brain,

Destroys the pleasure center. How it shows up in X rays as big black dead spots spoiling gray matter.

* *

How quitting is next to impossible and even those users who suffer through often never recover completely.

Footnote:

516

Possible

pregnancy

complications

crank

baby

birth

defects

health and behavior

abnormalities.

517

Too Much

to think about.

* *

Too much to bear.

And time was running short.

* *

I knew

I couldn't marry Chase.

* *

I knew he would stand by me.

But he deserved his dreams.

* *

I feared

closing that door.

* *

I feared the uncertainty of choosing parenthood.

* *

I doubted

I could give my baby away.

* *

I doubted more I could raise it on my own--with or without defect.

518

I needed a solid dose of courage.

* *

I needed the strength only the monster could give me.

* *

I regretted

my weakness as I inhaled.

* *

I regretted making the decision to snuff out my baby's life.

519

I

Needed Two Things

The ride home was easy.

Robyn offered to drive, as long as it didn't interfere with her cheerleading.

* *

The $500, however, presented a challenge.

My bank account was low desert dry.

The Visa was maxed high.

* *

Chase refused to help.

He was "floored" by my decision.

Another option came to mind, one

that owed me a lot more than money.

First Brendan denied paternity.

I reminded him about DNA.

* *

Next he claimed poverty.

I threatened full disclosure.

To his hoity parents. To his toity girlfriend.

To his probation officer.

(A DUI, post-Air Races.)

Okay, he'd cough up the money.

520

Distasteful as it was to see

him again, it provided a matchless opportunity.

* *

You sure you're pregnant?

You sure it's mine?

You're not b-s-ing me?

* *

"I'm sure. It's yours. No bull.

Hard to believe your balls were big

enough to accomplish it, huh?"

521

H

ow Big

were

my

balls?

* *

Big enough

to

follow

through?

522

I

Didn't Sleep

the night before, just sat at the window staring at starlight, gentle glitters upon a crust of new snow, wishing I could wish upon a star and make it all just an evil dream, one I could wake from, but no such

luck.

523

M

esmerized

By the come and go, the sad drift and flow

lives in painful transition,

I sat, waiting for an ending.

* *

The clinic was gated, walled and secure, but nothing felt safe

nothing felt sane.

* *

Why do they make you

wait so long, trembling in the shadow of fear and remorse?

* *

I wept, as my sisters

wept at what might

have been, had we turned in another direction.

* *

And then, midst waves of heartache, I felt a flutter in my belly, no more than the whisper of an eyelash.

* *

Later, my doctor and my

mom would tell me it was much too early to feel a fetus move.

524

Whatever it was, maybe gas, maybe God, I took it as a plea from the life growing

viable inside me.

* *

I would not abort my baby.

Nor give it away. I

would carry it proudly, and when it entered this world,

* *

I would be the perfect mother.

I could only hope it wasn't Bree, materializing inside of me.

525

More

Choices

I told you once before that life is full of choices.

Sometimes, good or bad, hard or easy, we make the right choices.

* *

When I told my mom, she cried and cursed

my choices.

Then she softened and thanked me for honoring

my child.

* *

She and Scott argued, talked and finally agreed to offer haven as long as I finished school.

Chase likewise promised to care for

* *

us, work two jobs if need

be. It gave me even more to love

him for, but I sent him off to USC. As my baby grew, mother love

526

replaced romantic love,

almost

diminished love for the monster. I tried to quit, but my need was so deep

* *

I did slip once or twice.

One tiny snort was all it took to satisfy desire so deep it snatched

my breath away.

But don't worry.

I swear it was only a time o two.

You won't tell, will you?

527

I

Won't Bore You

with all the tedious details of the next seven months-- the day-to-day grind, belly burgeoning around the life

growing

inside

me.

* *

Instead,

I offer a few highlights, the top ten reasons

my pregnancy wasn't so awful, followed by a top ten

countdown of lowlights

* *

(I know that's not a word.

Consider it poetic license.)

528

H

ighs

10) Feeling my baby move at 16 weeks exactly, knowing it

wasn't

gas, but something--someone--

incredibly, remarkably, alive.

* *

9) Calling Dad and getting

Linda Sue. Asking her to define "hummer" before imparting the fabulous news