Crank (7 page)

* *

Empty and closed like Lince, hovering in some

frozen netherworld neither sun nor rain could thaw.

* *

Much too much to think about, I unzipped

my American Tourister and started to pack.

172

O

ne

Day and Counting

Mom called on her cell.

You ready to come home?

Don't forget to get to the airport

at least an hour early.

Kristina? We've really missed yo

u

around here.

* *

Translation:

You are coming home, aren't you?

Your father's a dunce, so remind him.

You are coming home, aren't you?

* *

Dad called from work.

I

took the dayshift so we could

spend

tonight together.

Want to go out to dinner?

Did you say good-bye to Buddy?

* *

Translation:

We really should spend one evening together.

The fridge is empty again.

He's not over there boinking you, is he?

173

Adam called from the hospital.

Lince is off the respirator,

but still in a coma.

Can I see you this afternoon?

I've got a surprise for you.

* *

Translation:

Looks like she'll survive, with or without a brain.

Are you still on your period?

I'm on my way to pick up a bindle.

174

To

Speed or Not to Speed?

I told Adam to come on over,

I wasn't going

anywhere

* *

then proceeded to fret, as I did

anytime

* * he and Lince popped up together in a single thought, anyway

* *

I had only this day to make

him remember me, however

I could.

* *

I knew it wasn't a great idea, flying home, mostly high on the monster

* * or crashing fast, the last tiny remnants of speed and I

* *

fighting to feel good, despite what the buzz

had become--

175

low, that is, so low it was hard to remember the best

* * of it. So of course I chose to go for it. Adam, Bree, and the monster were inextricable

friends.

176

A Couple

of Toots

Skeletal lines, jaundice yellow, evil little breezes up the nose.

One

inhale, awesome, mean, tiny

hammer blows to the brain, and I

didn't care who knew that

I was high,

(well, okay, I preferred clueless cops)

not Dad, who would be home

soon. He'd want one or two

himself. Not the people next door, who I'm pretty sure kept an ear to the wall, waiting to see if

I would fly, or attempt, like our wingless lynx, to defy all instinct and natural

law, ball up courage, count to three and crest the edge in one mighty

leap. Or maybe she did just fall.

I wonder, as I wonder if

177

I,

locked in a cage of dreamless sleep, a place where only the monster

can drop you so hard, heard the cry of a fallen

broken

bird.

178

B

ut Right Then

all I could think of, in that speeded, heated moment, was my own pain, stabbing through the pleasure.

* *

I asked Adam to hold me, kiss me longer, harder.

Oh, God, I love you.

Begged him to help me

remember the taste of love.

How will I live without you?

Pleaded with him not to live without me. Write. Call.

I will. I promise.

And I promised I would

come back to him.

I want to give you something.

I can't believe I let him, me, la gallina extrema.

So you'll never forget me.

(The extreme chicken.)

Closed my eyes.

I'll always be a part of you.

179

Gritted my teeth, locked into the love of the needle.

Right there, on your thigh.

And accepted Adam's tattoo, the tiny heart a very big

Stashed under your skin.

symbol, forever bonding us, his ink in my flesh.

180

It

Throbbed

the Next Day

All the way home red and raw, like my eyes, drained of tears, denied

sleep's healing, staring at the glare of midday sun in vibrant blue sky at

20,000 feet.

* *

Red and raw like my belly, not even

MacDonald's to soothe its empty

demand ('cause Dad, of course, cranked it up when he got

home--so much for dinner out).

* *

Red and raw like my heart, pried from Adam's, the two beating, no

longer together, but a thousand

miles between them when

only yesterday they

thumped in unison.

181

Red and raw like my brain, unable

To shut down, thoughts crashing like electrons orbiting a nucleus of dueling emotions. Wanting to stay high. Knowing I

should want to come down and stay

that way.

182

I

Still Wasn't Down When We Landed

High-rise casinos, each with a "got

rich" story or two and thousands of sad little secrets, gigantic glittering

towers of glass and ungodly neon

intruding upon the beauty of the July

dusk, yet waving a welcome home, midst a bayou of cement, asphalt shingles, tinted panes, fake wood siding, and lingering in the distance, an ocean of sage-embroidered playa, vast as time itself, those very seconds, hours, eons locked within the fringe of great crustal blocks most call mountains.

* *

Kristina had seen it all before.

Kristina was home.

* *

Bree saw it all through new eyes.

Bree was a stranger.

183

T

ightened Airport Security

No one greeted me on the far side of the jetway, no relatives, no friends, only slot machines.

* *

Tugging those two

carry-ons, upper thigh

itching like crazy beneath a tight pair of jeans.

* *

I wandered toward the escalators, a 50-foot-long

mural of blue Lake Tahoe

flanking me on my left.

* *

8-foot-tall showgirls in purple boas (and not

much else) smiling at me from the right.

* *

Kristina drawn left,

Bree to the right, the monster started to retreat just in time.

184

I

Saw Them

before they saw me-- the whole fam-damily turned out to greet me:

* *

Jake, sweaty and animated, auburn hair (And where did

that

come from, Mother?)

ruffled, freckled face (Thank God I missed that recessive gene!)

handsome with summer color.

* *

Leigh, on summer break, too "Brittney-ish" (So much of Mom's platinum beauty!) to really be gay, (What a waste--like a butch would care!)

legs to die for, unshaved in short shorts.

* *

Scott, face losing

stress as he (Hard day, or another argument?)

put work behind him, (Mom could have done worse--and had!)

tall, lean, and great

looking for 40.

185

Mom, somehow prettier with laugh lines, (Would I be able to say the same?)

visible from here, (Would I ever even be that beautiful?) and a smile that could

light a starless night.

* *

Right at that minute, she saw me. (And, just for an instant, her smile was all mine!)

186

T

hen She Caught Sight

of something

not quite right, something

not quite familiar.

She hesitated, unsure

that I was me.

Her smile

dissolved, ghostlike.

* *

But then she waved, and my family

flooded me.

187

H

omecomings Are Strange

You come home, and everyone talks at once and everyone asks

questions, but no one waits for the answers.

* *

Instead they talk about themselves, what they've been up to, what they're going to do next, as if you're a photo on the wall.

* *

And then they talk to one another, forgetting you've just

flown in, forgetting you're in the backseat, forgetting they've already said it all.

188

And you want to shout, can't you see

I'm here?

can't you see I'm

brand new?

Can't you see me at all?

189

My

Mom Says "I Love You" with Food

So we went out to dinner. Not McDonald's, either.

We went to a buffet. A mega casino-style buffet:

* *

Salads--Oriental chicken; wilted spinach; ambrosia; three-bean; crab (at least that's what they call it); potato (three kinds); pasta (five kinds); carrot & raisin (nasty); and, of course, green.

* *

Entrees--pizza, lasagna, mushroom ravioli; fried chicken, roasted chicken, chicken piccata; mahi, halibut, and deep-fried cod; mashed, baked, scalloped potatoes; vegetables; and on the carving board, roast beef, roast turkey, and roast loin of pork.

* *

Desserts--apple, cherry, and lemon meringue pies; angel, carrot, and triple-chocolate cakes; pastries, cookies, rum balls, and truffles; cobblers and bread pudding; soft-serve ice cream, with all the fixings; and for sweet-tooths on a diet, strawberries (forget the diet, top with whipped cream!).

* *

So Mom gets two plates (low carbs), strawberries (no whipped cream).

Leigh gets three, eats half of each, skips dessert.

Scott eats most of three, with a brownie and ice cream for dessert.

Jake finishes four, down to the gravy; tops that off with three desserts.

190

As for me, still battling the monster for brain and stomach space,

I picked at a single plate.

191

H

ome Sweet Home

Our pretty

little place on a hilltop acre, native

sandstone and imported

compost, Mom's handcrafted

oasis in a northern Nevada high

altitude valley, not really a valley, but more a depression in the eastern Sierra

foothills, where mountain streams fed snowmelt to a shallow, silver lake, and everything managed to stay green, despite high desert heat and wild winter winds,

* *

looked like it welcomed me looked like it threatened me

looked just the same to me looked completely different and I was happy to be home and I was undeniably sad and I never wanted to leave and I wanted to turn and run

wanted to call my old friends wanted to call my newest friend

wanted to confide everything wanted to keep it all to myself

needed to boast about the best needed to confess the worst

needed to hold up needed to break down had to remember had to forget

had to find Kristina. had to hide Bree.

192

D

espite All Trepidation

Despite the monster, fluttering in and out of my head like some demented moth, drawn to whatever light might be left there,

* * despite Bree, demanding I find a way to get high, as if I had a clue where to get crank

back here in Kristina Land,

* * despite Leigh, helping me lug one suitcase, her hand annoyingly pinching mine with every tug, every pull,

* * despite Jake, dropping the other suitcase down an entire flight of stairs, spilling shampoo, lotion, and tampons,

193

despite Scott, smelling depressingly clean, while my own speed-induced

body odor reeked ever stronger,

* * despite my mom, insisting I looked fabulous, having

dropped four or five pounds, all the while wondering if anorexia had arisen....

194

REGARDLESS

My spotless

mauve room with pretty pink

butterflies on one windowed wall and a big old bed worthy of dreams

invited me into the familiar

offered to rest my weary body and soothe my sorrowful heart.

195

I

Slithered Down the Hall

into the haven of the bathroom, shed

my clothes, showered, scrubbed my

skin until I thought it might blister, studied my thigh, found

likely signs of infection.

Bree shrugged,

Kristina

silently screamed at the angry

green pocket of pus beneath the purple welt--

Adam's forever

symbol of love.

196

T

he Door Opened

I did scream then.

But it was only Leigh.

Hey, it's only me.

Kinda jumpy, aren't you?

"Did you need something?

I'm naked you know."

I've seen you naked before.