Crank (6 page)

He loved me now.

* *

I loved him. I hated her.

I hated him for loving her.

I loved him for loving her still.

* *

He wanted me. He needed me.

He needed more to go to her, let her know he loved her still.

* *

I wanted him. I needed him.

I wanted him to forget her, needed

more to let him tell her he loved her.

143

When he asked me to go

along, some masochistic

piece of me agreed.

144

F

ifteen Blocks on Foot and a Bus Ride Later

We walked through big revolving doors, into the Land of Antiseptic.

My empty stomach rocked at the alcohol/bleach perfume, yet somewhere in that revolting scent a lovely memory floated, ghostlike.

* *

The receptionist told us Lince was in ICI and asked if we were relatives.

I'd seen enough soap operas to know to nod an affirmative answer.

Adam played along.

I'm her brother and this is...

I held my breath

...

my

fiancé.

145

The lady didn't even blink behind her thick

gray lenses. She directed us to the elevators. We got off on the 7th floor. A nurse said

we'd missed visiting hours, but since we were relatives

she'd let us poke in through the door.

* *

Intensive care is not a private place, big windows allowed unobstructed

hallway-to-room views.

It was a sea of white.

Uniforms. Sheets. Curtains.

Floors and walls.

Why did that feel comforting?

146

L

ince Floated

in that white water world,

Guinivere upon the River Styx, tubes intruding wrists and nose, liquid-filled lifelines.

* *

Adam let go of my hand and

I stopped in mute agreement.

This was his show.

I found the waiting room.

* *

A dozen needs attacked me there.

I needed

food, fluid, soap, shampoo.

* *

I needed

Adam, his heart, his promises his tomorrows.

147

I needed to go home

'cause somewhere

deep down

* *

I needed

my mommy.

* *

And all that made me really

really need

* * a line.

148

E

vening, When We Left

The breeze, too hot to cool the blooming

flower of summer

night,

* *

seemed to ignite star

candles in a sky, darkened as much by mood as time.

* *

We found the bus stop in silence, though I knew he had something to say.

149

Walked home beneath the celestial

cathedral. No kiss at my door, only his good-bye.

* *

Not enough, but how could

I beg for more? Did he mean forever, or just for now?

150

D

ad Asked Where I'd Been

How's she doin'?

I opened my mouth to tell him, realized

I didn't know. Adam

had given nothing away.

Heard it was touch-and-go for a while.

* *

Still looked touch-and-go to me, machines pumping

existence into her through plastic tubes.

Too damn bad. Pretty girl.

* *

Not so pretty now, Dad, head to toe black-and-blue, and shattered framework, facing uncertain healing.

Hard to believe we just partied together.

* *

He really didn't get it, turned back to his TV. I

went to the refrigerator, held my breath, looked inside.

Sorry, not much in there.

151

Moldy cheese, outdated

milk, peanut butter, and soggy celery. I found an apple, soft, but edible. Almost sweet.

We could go out

to dinner.

* *

My brain claimed I was crazy to even consider such a thing. But my insistent

stomach won the day.

McD's okay?

152

One

Hour

Tons of tasteless, useless, meaningless

food and conversation later, two rounded, roiling

bellies pushed

back through the front door.

* *

Not that Dad didn't ask plenty of questions, worthy of answers, but how could I tell the man who turned his back on "daddy" status

how my life had changed?

* *

How could I explain

gut-wrenching insights to someone so lacking

vision?

* *

How could I admit my

part in the current melodrama to a psyche devoid of guilt?

153

How could I share the way my heart was breaking

when my confessor

didn't believe

* * in love?

154

I

nstead We Returned to Small Talk

which is probably all we'll ever manage, all we'll ever get to, if we get to anything at all.

* *

We couldn't have spent more than two hours, total, within three weeks, tied up in trying to talk to each other.

* *

Inter-family communication

must be an acquired skill.

He never even asked

* *

if I'd gotten high before my little

Albuquerque adventure.

Never asked if I enjoyed

* *

spending time with the monster.

He only wanted to know if Buddy and I had done the dirty, perhaps right there

* * between his own disgusting sheets.

His question reeked of voyeurism.

155

And he accepted my negative answer with a smile that meant he didn't believe a word.

* *

I wondered if Mom

would have.

156

D

ad Went Out

Left me

* *

to

fret

* *

to

stress

* *

to

cry

* *

to

choke

on

emotion

and

* *

great

green

nose

clogging

gobs

157

in

sincere

need of a good

blow

* *

instead,

I let

the

snot

drip.

158

I

Was

Mid-Drip

when Adam knocked on the door.

I half considered pretending

I wasn't there.

Hurting.

Bursting.

Over him.

Over this whole sorry

pile of crap

I'd dug myself into.

* *

But I wanted to see him

more than anything.

Needed to know

I hadn't imagined the whole head over heels

thing. I had to go home in a couple of days. I

wanted to go

still in love.

159

I found a paper towel, let go a mighty blow and went to let him in, even though I knew

I must have looked

very much like my

dead and buried grandma.

160

Okay,

I Looked Awful

To anyone else, he probably looked worse.

To me, he resembled an angel.

A poor, sad, beautiful angel.

* *

His hurt swallowed mine, like space swallows time, and the two intertwine.

We tangled together

I'm sorry.

Me too.

I'm just so confused.

Ditto.

I do know I love you.

Ditto

squared.

161

So

of Course I Did a Really Stupid Thing

He pulled a bindle from his pocket, tapped the sparkly powder inside.

Cooked up fresh yesterday.

* *

Mother Kristina said no.

The monster stormed Bree's door.

That's my girl. Let's forget

the bullshit and

fly.

* *

We soared through the night, well beyond daylight.

Funny thing about the monster.

The worse he treats you,

the more you love him.

* *

I knew already that had to be true.

Blood geysered in my veins.

Thoughts stampeded across my

brain. Together, ecstasy.

You are the most incredible girl.

I never believed someone like you

would fall for someone like me.

But are you Kristina? Or Bree?

162

At the moment, all Bree.

"Kristina is who they made me.

Bree is who I choose to be. How

'bout you? Adam or Buddy?"

With you, I am Adam.

And you are my beautiful

Eve. Let's run away,

find our garden, live there

together, happy. Naked.

163

A

dam

took me in his arms

kisses melting

hurt, forgotten ice

Unhurried hands lifted

my shirt

Pump. Pump. Pump

Passion rose up in my heart and a bit farther south

* *

The monster-fueled

inferno built

thigh to belly button

Adam's mouth moved

lower, inch by trembling inch

I was ready to do it oh, so ready.

right that very instant.

164

B

ut First I Had to Pee

Passing the mirror,

I chanced a glance at Bree, crank embers glowing behind dilated black windows.

She didn't look half bad, certainly not dead and buried.

In fact, she looked quite animated.

* *

I dropped my jeans. And guess what

discovered, already staining my panties?

That pesky monthly visitor who shows, unbidden, on your step, a true-blue party killer.

* *

Only this time, encouraged by the monster, it blew across the threshold, smashed down my door.

I staunched the flow, changed

my clothes, and went to tell Adam.

165

Flustered, flushed, he swore he didn't care, pouted and pleaded and cajoled.

But I was not about to lose my virginity in a fountain of menstrual fluid.

* *

How many times

have I regretted that decision?

166

B

ut That Day

there was still enough

Kristina left to feel

humiliation,

* *

still a smattering of old-fashioned morals, somewhere

* *

inside; still a healthy dose of survival instinct, buried

beneath

* * a childhood, fractured by hormones, smashed by the monster's

* *

fist and pressed into memory by two-faced

bravado.

167

So

I Said

"No way."

Why not?

"You know

why not."

But you know you want to.

"I do.

But I

can't."

Not right, Bree. Look what you've done to me.

And I

thought,

What did

I do?

You made me need you.

He brought the crank.

Made me have to have you.

He let

things get

out of hand.

Not later. Not next time. Now.

168

And then he took

my hand,

Put it right there.

showed me

how to make

things right.

Yes, just like that.

For him.

But what about me?

169

Girl

s Get Screwed

Not that kind of screwed, what I mean is, they're always on the short

end of things.

* *

The way things work, how

guys feel great, but make girls feel

cheap for doing

exactly what

they beg

for.

* *

The way they get to play

you, all the while

claiming they

love you and making you

believe it's

true.

170

The way it's okay to gift their heart one day, a backhand the next, to move on to the apricot

when the peach

blushes and bruises.

* *

These things make me believe

God's a man after all.

171

I

Considered That

As I considered my suitcase, sitting empty and closed on the floor.

* *

Empty and closed like Dad, not quite

hopeless, but not ready to be filled.

* *

Empty and closed like Mom, writing a novel to create the excitement lacking in her own little life.

* *

Empty and closed like my sister, genetically

locked in a maelstrom of meaningless apologies.