Crank (4 page)

sessions.

I plotted make-out sessions.

* *

Somehow I didn't care about women, stealing other

women's boyfriends.

Had I stolen someone's boyfriend?

82

Somehow I didn't care about back-room parties.

It was my turn. I'd been invited.

83

C

hoices, Choices

Life is full of

Choices.

We don't

always

make

good ones.

It seems to

Kristina

you gotta

be

crazy to open your

windows, invite the demons in.

Bree

throws rocks at the feeble

glass, laughs.

84

You

Have to Remember

It had been a tempestuous week, snared by emotions

rubbing me so raw

I hurt at night, alone in the dark.

* *

I finagled my way on this trip to fall back in love with my dad.

Instead I fell for a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, worse, the wrong part of the country! I

had come, wanting to want to go home. Now the dark side of Albuquerque

looked pretty damn good.

85

So when he asked about getting high, I didn't

think, I agreed. We smoked

some good California green.

Took three tries to put me in the place he said I should be.

Sleepy. Not "high" at all, but real low. And real

slow. Not my idea of a party, except the munchies part.

I wanted to meet the monster.

* *

Why go down if you can go up?

86

We

Met at the Bowling Alley

I introduced Adam to my dad. He and Buddy already knew each other.

Small building, you know.

Their networking surprised me.

Not exactly sure why.

Some good green bud around.

Dad seemed to accept that

I knew about such things.

Don't worry. She's safe with me.

Someone called for bowling shoes.

Adam and I eased down to the far lane.

Okay, little girl. Ready to party?

I was ready to take a big bite of freedom before my time was up.

You gotta be sure.

Mom expected me home in ten

days. Of course, I was sure.

Let's hit the back room.

We ducked behind a stack of crates, sat on the floor.

You really never tried this?

Like magic, a mirror and razor blade appeared.

87

You're gonna love it. You'll see

.

I watched him pour powder, yellowish white.

It will take you to heaven.

Used the blade to chop the chunks

fine, draw two crooked lines.

Make you want to fly all night.

He held the mirror to my face, handed me a sawed-off straw,

Make you want to make love to me.

88

J

ust Before the Drop

You know how you

stand and stand and stand in line for the most

gigantic incredible roller

coaster

you've ever dared attempt.

* *

Anticipation swelling, minute by minute by minute, you choose to wait even

longer, to ride in the front

car and finally it's your turn.

* *

They buckle you in, lock the safety bar with a jolting

clunk!

Hook engaged, the chain jerks

you forward. You start to climb

crank-crank-crank

89

Cresting the top, time

moves into overtime as you wait for that scant

hesitation, just before you

drop

knowing you can't turn back.

* *

You know how you feel at that instant? Well, that's

exactly how it feels when you

shake hands with the monster.

90

No

Time Like That First Time

Fire!

Your nose ignites, flameless kerosene

(and, some say, Drano)

laced with ephedrine

you want to cry

* *

powdered demons bite through cartilage and sinuses, take dead aim at your

brain, jump inside want to scream

* *

troops of tapping feet

fall into rhythm, marking time, right between your eyes

get the urge to dance

* *

louder, louder, ultra

gray-matter power, shock waves of energy

mushroom inside your head

91

you want to let go

detonate, annihilate barriers, bring down the walls, unleashing floodwaters, freeing long-captive dreams

* * to ride the current

through

arteries and capillaries, pulsing, rushing, raging torrents

pounding against your heart

* *

sweeping you away.

92

B

ut That's Not Exactly Cool

So you sit and smile, pretending like it's not

even fazing you, not touching you at all.

* *

So he looks you in the eye, trying to measure you, find a hint of reaction.

* *

And he says,

Tell me how you

feel.

* *

So you can't stand it one more second, and you close your eyes, daring him to kiss you.

93

So he does, and it's

electric, high voltage, stun-gun strength desire

jolting sinew and bone.

* *

And he asks,

How 'bout another

line?

94

If

a Little's Good

More must be great, right?

* *

Well, sometimes.

That time!

* *

It didn't burn as bad, nasal self-defense,

I guess.

* *

And it launched me to a place, very near the gates of heaven.

* *

Adam took my hand, led me the rest of the way. No, not quite all the way.

95

Al

though Maybe

it's a matter of semantics.

How does Webster define

"all the way"?

* *

Does it mean, start to finish, an act of defilement, pure physicality,

* *

no choice but yes, no

stopping now, no holds barred,

* *

everything off, nothing

left to chance, all the way in?

96

B

ecause It Wasn't That

It was gentle persuasion.

I can't get enough of you.

Sweetest coercion.

My beautiful angel.

Magnet to metal.

I've got to have all of you.

It was hands, exploring

taboo places.

Oh, God! You're perfect!

Lips and tongue, not

far behind.

Let me eat you up.

Skin to skin, belly to shoulder.

Sweet as puddin'.

It was body rush after body rush, intensity building.

Touch me there.

97

Hot flush, raging

blush, quick-start

ignition.

See how much I need you?

Ice flash, instant

crash, voices outside the door.

No! Don't stop now!

98

I

Didn't Want to

Stop Either

but one of those voices

belonged to my dad.

They were here just a while ago.

* *

We scrambled to cover skin, passion, and stash.

I didn't see them leave.

* *

Trepidation, just this side of anticipation, tingled.

They must be around somewhere.

* *

The monster stomped up and down my spine.

Kristina? Buddy? You here?

* *

Adam looked at me and whispered, "Who's Kristina?"

99

F

or Some Crazy Reason

I thought that was the funniest thing

I'd ever heard.

* *

Creepy, insane

laughter bubbled up from my gut like lava, erupting

suddenly in gigantic

heaving

gulps.

* *

We were busted.

I was busted.

100

And I

didn't

give

a

damn.

101

Not

Until the Door Opened

Guess who was there with my dad.

Wha' the fuck you up to, Buddy?

* *

Lince pounced through the door, claws extended, golden eyes growing black.

You two been messin' around?

* *

Hair askew, buttons

undone, I thought it was pretty obvious. But Adam

dared say no.

Well, what, then?

* *

Damn, if she didn't

want to believe him.

I almost felt sorry for her. The monster

shook me smarter.

Okay then. Fix me a line.

102

Like

an Idiot

I took one too.

Things went from weird to worse.

* *

I mean, there I was, snorting crank with my dad, my boyfriend, and his other

girlfriend.

* *

Something majorly

wrong with that picture.

103

T

he Monster Loves to Talk

He jumps into your head and opens your mouth

making it spout your

deepest

darkest

deceptions.

Making you say

all the things

you'd rather

not say, at least not in mixed company.

104

D

ad Said

I

shouldn't be tootin'. My boss

almost caught me last time.

Think I could convince her to

try a line?

I'd love to get her in bed.

* *

Adam said,

Don't blame you there, man.

She's a babe, for someone

my mom's age. I'd do her too.

Think she'd go for a threesome?

* *

Lince said,

Whoa, baby. Keep it in

your pants, at least

till I take it out of them.

Anyway, three's a crowd.

* *

I decided

Three is a throng.

Four's more.

105

I got up, headed for the door, hoping

Adam would try to stop me.

But lust is stronger than love. And

monster lust is unconquerable.

106

I Was Pissed

Anger seeped from my pores, vinegar sweat, as I stomped

out the door, into the night, down the dark

sidewalk.

* *

I was hot.

* *

Heart

jackhammering in my chest, pumping fever, toenails to follicles, blistering

veins and brain cells.

* *

I was high.

107

I ran through the alley, inconsolable, turned down the sidewalk, invincible, five minutes

later,

* *

I was scared.

108

N

ight Had Hung

a sultry, black curtain, sequined gold.

* *

It would have been quite beautiful in another part of town.

* *

But here, cars

cruised slowly, checking out the tightly knit groups

crowding sidewalks and doorways.

* *

Here, color was everything, skin color, hair color, the color of your jacket.

* *

Fair-skinned, golden-haired,

109

I stood out like a moped at a Harley rally.

110

I Th

ought I Knew the Way Home

but it all looked different, covered in night, and the buzzing in my brain

put this sparkling in my eyes.

* *

It wasn't like psychedelic, more like my eyes were speeding too, and didn't know

just where to focus except on points

of

light

in

the

dark.

111

Whatever,

I was completely

disoriented.

And as I tried to figure out

which way to go, these three guys in Raiders jackets

semicircled me.

* *

Hey, baby,

can we help you wit' som'thin'?

112

I Tr

ied to Be Cool

Tried to sound tough, asked if they could

spare a smoke.

Sure, baby.

Anything you want.