Crank (3 page)

what Guinivere knew.

* *

Bree might have pulled him

closer, tempted his kiss that very

moment, given hers in return.

* *

But with a sudden slam, reality

kicked into gear. Downstairs,

Guinivere called his name.

* *

He answered,

Up here.

I looked in his eyes, caught a hint of warped humor, jumped up to go inside.

* *

He asked,

How long are you staying?

Not long enough, I wanted to say. But I told him,

"Three weeks."

55

He said,

Not

much time.

Footsteps on the stairs.

Bree vanished, leaving

panic in her wake.

* *

He finished,

But maybe enough.

56

T

he Return of Guinivere

She took in the scene, face cinder-block hard, eyes blinking like mad, black turn signals.

"Who is she?"

As if he had something to explain. He didn't, did he? Yet his voice was right beside my ear,

Bree.

* *

I swear I saw her claws

spring out. I froze, prey.

She told me her name was

Lince. Then translated,

"Lynx."

She had claimed her territory.

I decided to let the wildcats

play, uninterrupted. His warm

hand whispered against mine.

See

you soon.

57

His promise fell, soft as a premonition, followed by the bobcat's

predatory growl,

"Me too."

58

T

hat'll Teach Me

to spy to moan to covet

* *

my neighbor's boyfriend.

* *

I ran inside, tried

* * to breathe to laugh to silence

* * the drumming inside my head.

* *

Went into the kitchen

* * to get a drink to get away to get a glimpse

* * of the biggest cockroach I'd ever seen.

59

T

oss-and-Turn Night

Bone-oven hot outside, swamp-cooler cool three

feet up the hallway, temperature in Dad's

claustrophobic guest

room: lukewarm.

* *

The bed was a monstrous box

spring. Thin, mildewed foam, two sprays of Lysol, and one

thrift-store sheet were all

that lay between

Bedzilla and me.

* *

Tried my right side. Kept

seeing the kitchen

cockroach, the one I

tried to pretend was only a Mormon cricket,

Los Alamos-grown.

60

Tried my left side. Flashed on my bedroom at home.

Pin clean, pretty in mauve, a ballet of pink

butterflies on the walls, pillow-top mattress to die for.

* *

Flopped onto my back. Found the keyhole behind my eyes, squeezed through, into sleep.

Not slumber, but sleep just this

side of waking, where dreams

fuse with reality.

61

T

hrough the Keyhole

I found myself in a meadow, brilliant green beneath a soft

wash of sunshine.

* *

I moved at a near sprint, drawn toward a symphony, primitive passion.

* *

Lovemaking.

* *

Wildcats mating, snarls at the joining, satisfied roars

signaling completion.

* *

I slowed, shifted upwind, crept very near, somehow unafraid.

* *

Fascinated.

62

Some movement gave me

away. Exquisite feline eyes

found me in the grass,

* *

golden eyes, flecked green.

He purred and she looked up.

I gasped at her face.

* *

My face.

63

So

Much for Sleep

Jump-started awake,

I sat up in bed, found the eyes of the lynx at the glass, snarls in the hallway.

* *

Sweat-drenched, shivering, I threw back the sheet, went to the window, three flights above a deserted alley.

* *

Found no eyes but dream eyes.

* *

One demon conquered,

I slipped on flip-flops, mediocre protection against monster

cockroaches, wandered toward the kitchen.

* *

Found no snarls but Dad's snores.

64

I

Hid Out for Three Days

Spent them sleeping in, like Dad.

I

work late. No shame in that.

Afternoons we ate fast

food and talked.

Sure I want more. Some day.

He was pushing 45. Time was running out.

A house of my own. A good woman.

Surely he'd dated one or two since Mom?

Slept with a few.

Don't do movies...

There's more to dating than movies.

Don't do dinner, unless

they cook.

Come on, Dad. What about love?

Love is overrated. Besid

es...

I couldn't believe his confession:

No one can measure up

to your mom.

65

I

Even Spent Time at the Bowling Alley

Okay, I'd bowled before, averaged a solid 98, with one or two games around 130.

But did you know some

people spend half their lives

hanging out in bowling alleys?

* *

The same people arrived, around the same time

every night. It took

me three days to realize

they came for more than just a few games of good, clean fun.

* *

Some came to flirt, obnoxious in their efforts to make their spouses jealous, or disregard

them altogether, desperate to recapture escaped dreams and wasted years of youth.

66

Some came substance shopping, disappearing into back rooms and bathrooms, returning

red-eyed and crusty-nosed, coughing and sniffling, too

mellow or very, very wound up.

* *

In school I was never confronted with drugs, surely never sought

them out. But I wasn't exactly

clueless. As I watched, one

thing became obvious. Where the party went, my dad followed.

67

H

e Hadn't Changed After All

But he wasn't such a bad guy, really. Not ambitious, true.

In fact, you might call

him lazy, at least when the drug of the day was green.

* *

Been smokin' pot since I was 1

3,

couldn't quit if I tried. Besides,

why try? It keeps me happy,

mellow. Makes me eat

too much, but

oh, well.

* *

The white

stuff was a different

story. He'd stay up all

night, eating zip, bowling and snorting line after line.

Rent money, right up the nose.

68

We used to

do coke, till "Just

Say No" put the stuff

out of reach. Now it's crank.

Meth.

The monster. It's a bitch

on the body but damn do you fly.

69

You Fly

Until You Crash

Two

days, two

nights,

no

sleep,

no

food, come

down off the monster,

* *

you

crash

real

hard.

70

Dad Crashed

Slept twelve hours, got up for a drink and a pee, slept six more.

Good thing it was his day off.

* *

But was it always his day off? Or did he sometimes go to work, mind folded down around exhaustion?

* *

Did he sometimes

blow off work completely, call in sick, notating on his calendar the

Illness of the Day?

71

No bowling, no small talk, just plain, empty time,

I walked down to the corner store for

Pepsi and

Cosmopolitan.

* *

Guess who was buying

cigarettes, copper skin

glistening bittersweet

summer sweat. One

look, I was Play-Doh.

72

He

Knew It, Too

He turned, flashed a drop-dead-in-your-tracks

gorgeous grin.

Hey, Bree.

His voice dripped

honey and cream, irresistible poison.

You been avoiding me?

I plead not guilty, argued spending time with my dad.

All-night bowling?

* *

He knew too much. I

fumbled for change, came up short.

No worries. My treat.

He paid for my Pepsi, asked if he could

walk me back.

I'll be good. Honest.

73

Hip brushing hip, his hand slipped around my waist.

You on your own today?

Heartbeat bombs

went off in my head.

Spectacular.

Can we talk awhile?

74

H

is Mom Was at Work

We went to his apartment, a nice

quiet place to talk awhile.

Mind if I light up?

* *

What could I say? It was his apartment.

His lungs.

Bad habit, I know.

* *

I watched hands, hard and etched like granite, light a match with finesse.

Do you have any bad habits?

* *

I could have made up something.

Instead I shook my head.

Want any?

* *

I wanted him. Bad enough. I reached for the cigarette in his hand.

You don't smoke, do you?

75

I took a small puff. Struggled like hell not to cough.

Or throw up.

Careful. You'll get sick.

* *

So I did the sensible thing. Took

another drag. Felt better.

Come here, Bree.

* *

He pulled me close, locked my eyes, tilted his face just a fraction.

Then I really felt queasy.

76

He

Wanted to Kiss Me

I felt it with every nerve, every fiber, every molecule of my being.

* *

I wanted him to kiss me, with every nerve, every fiber, every molecule of my being.

* *

But I was scared to kiss him.

Every nerve, every fiber, every molecule

screamed!

* *

He leaned forward, parted those

perfect lips.

77

At that exact moment,

* *

every

single

thing

about

my

life

changed.

* *

Forever.

78

F

irst Kiss

They say you'll remember

your first kiss forever. I will.

* *

It was Fourth of July.

It was Christmas.

* *

Fireworks. Snowflakes.

Sunstroke and frostbite.

* *

It was all that I could ask for and completely unexpected.

* *

I expected demands.

He gifted me with tenderness.

* *

I expected ego.

He let me experiment.

* *

I expected disrespect.

He called me beautiful.

* *

I expected him to expect perfection.

He taught me all I needed to know.

79

The

Week Flew

By

Monday

Ducked Lince and made out at the park.

Learned a thing or three.

* *

Tuesday

Took in a movie.

Sat in the back row.

Really made out.

* *

Wednesday

Had a Slurpee fight.

Kissed the sticky stuff off each other's faces.

* *

Thursday

Back to his apartment.

Things got heavy.

Heart-stomping heavy.

80

Friday

Bummed a ride and went

skinny-dipping up

Red Rock Canyon.

* *

Saturday

Talked with Dad, wishing I was doing

something else with Adam.

Sneaked out after dinner for a smoke and a taste of tongue.

* *

Sunday

Met Adam at the bowling alley.

81

S

omehow the Place Looked Different

What had changed?

* *

It was still a run-down bowling

alley in a bad part of town.

I had changed.

* *

Somehow I didn't care about other people's

obsessions.

I was obsessed.

* *

Somehow I didn't care about public make-out