“No, Ian, it’s all right.” She was quick to reassure him. “As lousy as I feel, it’s actually better for me to keep busy. To keep my mind off of - things.”
He was becoming increasingly agitated with the tone of this conversation. “What things, Tessa? Is something troubling you? Now that I think of it, you have sounded out of sorts the last few days. Please, darling, tell me what’s wrong.”
Her voice was trembling, and he could tell she was fighting back tears. “I don’t want to bother you, Ian. You’re so busy back there, and I’m probably just being silly…”
“Tessa.” He interrupted her as she began to ramble almost incoherently. “I am never too busy to listen if something’s troubling you, or if you need anything. And I’d be on a flight home within the hour if you asked me to, if something was really wrong. So don’t ever feel that you’re bothering me. Just tell me what’s wrong, love.”
“My divorce papers arrived in the mail. On Wednesday, of course. Because -”
“Because bad things always happen to you on Wednesdays,” he finished, heaving a sigh as he did so. “I knew there was something wrong. Why in the world didn’t you tell me before now?”
This time she couldn’t hold back the tears, and Ian’s heart ached to hear her weeping over the phone. “I - I don’t know. I suppose I didn’t want to bother you, didn’t want to seem weak or needy. And, well, you’ve been sounding so tired and stressed every time we’ve talked that I didn’t -”
“Hush.” He couldn’t bear to think that she’d been suffering, both physically and emotionally, for three days now and that he hadn’t been there to console her. “Nothing is more important to me than you, Tessa. I don’t give a damn about my job or these meetings, and especially not when you’re this upset. God, what terrible timing, love, what with those blasted papers arriving right when your period started and me all the way over here.”
Tessa sniffled. “I know. And I’m - well, I’ve been a little down in the dumps these past few days as well. It’s just everything all at once, you know. I miss you, Ian.”
He swore softly beneath his breath. “I’d give anything to be there with you this very second, my love – to take care of you and hold you close, and make sure you know exactly how much I love you.”
The soft sound of her sobbing made him feel sick, helpless, frustrated. “I - I do know,” she whispered. “I just miss you so much. I’m sorry to be this way, to be so needy and pathetic and -”
“Stop.” His voice was firm, almost stern. “Don’t you dare apologize. And I’m the one who should be sorry. I should be there with you now - supporting you, looking after you. I feel terrible that I’m all the way over in England when you need me so badly.”
“It’s okay.” Her reply was soft and sweet, and he was relieved to hear her crying appeared to have stopped for the moment. “I know you’d be here if you could, and that you’ll be home soon.”
“I’m counting the days, love,” he assured her. “And I realize this past week that I’ve had to cut some of our calls short, but that’s going to end. Starting immediately we’re going to talk for as long as you’d like, and beginning tomorrow I’m going to call you at least twice a day. And I want you to promise me, Tessa, to call me whenever you need to talk. I may not be able to take the call immediately, but I guarantee I’ll call you back as soon as possible. All right?”
“Yes, I promise. And - thank you, Ian. That means a lot to me.”
“You’re not alone anymore, Tessa,” he told her gently. “You’ve had to deal with far too much for far too long on your own. But no longer. I’ll always be here for you, darling. And as soon as you move in with me and quit your job, we won’t have to be separated like this ever again.”
Her soft sigh was one of relief. “That sounds wonderful, Ian. And I really was starting to pack things up here at the apartment, at least until I started feeling poorly. I even have the first paragraph of my resignation letter drafted.”
Ian chuckled. “How many paragraphs were you planning to write? It doesn’t need to be an essay, love, just a basic letter will do. And I expect you to turn it in as soon as I return from London. This is the last time I intend to be apart from you.”
“Okay. Maybe I’ll finish it later and email you a copy to get your opinion. I, um, need to eat something and shower first and, well, get dressed.”
He frowned. “You haven’t been out of bed the entire day? Isn’t it after two o’clock there?”
There was a pause before she answered. “Yes, a bit. And, well, I tried to get up a couple of times, but I was sort of - depressed, I suppose.” Tessa started weeping again, her voice dropping to a husky whisper. “I’m scared, Ian. When I get this way, I’m always terrified that I’m becoming like my mother.”
“No, no, darling,” he crooned. “You’re not like her at all. Listen to me, Tessa. You’re a strong, capable woman, and you’ve been taking care of yourself for a long time. Right now you’re just a bit down because of all you’ve had to deal with this week. But you’re not sinking into darkness, love. I’d never let that happen.”
“I know you’re right,” she told him tearfully. “But it just gets so hard sometimes, especially when I’m alone.”
Ian was nearly on the verge of tears himself to hear how sad she was. “God, Tessa, you’re breaking my heart,” he groaned. “I need to be there with you, love, to take care of you. Let me see if I can arrange a flight home tomorrow. I’ll think of something to tell the rest of the board, and -”
“No!” Her response was emphatic. “Please, Ian, I don’t want you to do that. I mean, of course I want to see you as soon as possible, but I’d feel less than useless if you had to cut your time in London short because of me. I’ll - I’ll be okay, I promise.”
He was far from being convinced. “Tessa - these bouts of depression you have. Have you ever sought professional help, spoken to a therapist about them?”
There was a lengthy pause before she answered. “Not really, no. I mean, I’ve always been able to fight them off before. And, well, the expense was never something I could have afforded.”
“I understand. But that’s not the case any longer. If you decide you’d like to talk to someone, I’m more than happy to arrange it for you. Just say the word, hmm?”
“All - all right,” she agreed reluctantly. “But, honestly, since I’ve been with you Ian, I haven’t really felt this way at all. You’ve made me so happy, made me feel so secure and loved, that I haven’t had any of these episodes until now.” Her voice grew soft and breathy again. “I just miss you so.”
This time Ian could feel the physical ache of his heart at her words. “God, no more than I miss you, my love. I’ve never missed anyone this way, never thought it could be possible. But I swear this will be the last time we’ll be parted for this amount of time. If being with me helps you stave off these episodes of depression, then I’m going to glue myself to your side from here on end. We’re also,” he added somewhat sternly, “going to make an appointment for you with a good friend of mine - Jordan Reeves. He’s reputed to be the top OB/GYN in San Francisco, and we’ll see if he can help us find an alternate form of birth control. I hate the thought of you suffering this way from that contraption you’ve got inside of you.”
“Maybe,” she replied noncommittally. “I’ve tried the pill before and had some awful reactions, but maybe there’s another choice we can explore.”
“We’ll discuss this at greater length when I get home,” declared Ian. “Now, I want you to promise me you’re not going to mope about the rest of the weekend, hmm?”
“I promise. I might go out for a walk after I eat something and get dressed. And I’m hoping to feel well enough to go to yoga tomorrow. Julia called me yesterday and said to call her if I decide to go. She’ll pick me up and we’ll meet Nathan for breakfast after class.”
“I think that’s a marvelous idea, love,” he told her encouragingly. “Provided you’re feeling up to it, of course. You’ve been alone too much in your life, Tessa. It’s good for you to get out, make friends, have fun. Just as long,” he added sternly “as you’re not having this fun with other men.”
Tessa’s voice was filled with emotion as she replied, “You know that could never happen. You’re the only man I’m interested in being with, Ian. Besides, you’ve totally spoiled me now for other men. No one else could even try to compare.”
He chuckled, but couldn’t help feeling immensely pleased at her words. “I’m glad to hear it, love. Needless to say, it’s exactly the same for me.”
They talked for more than half an hour, Ian being determined to make it up to her for the brief, rushed conversations they’d had up until now. He felt horrid that he hadn’t paid enough attention to her this past week, hadn’t realized how sad and depressed she’d sounded, and he vowed to make it all up to her. Perhaps another very romantic weekend getaway at one of his hotels - somewhere warm and sunny this time, like Palm Springs or Laguna Niguel. He would devote himself exclusively to her pleasure, pampering her even more than he’d done in Lake Tahoe last weekend, and make very, very sure she knew exactly how much she was loved. She was everything to him, and he wouldn’t ever let another day go by when she wasn’t fully, thoroughly aware of that fact.
***
San Francisco
Tessa slid beneath the covers of her lumpy double bed reluctantly, even while knowing that her alarm would go off far too early for her liking in the morning, and that she shouldn’t stay awake even five minutes longer. And she was being silly, she scolded herself, by thinking that the longer she delayed her bedtime the closer it would bring her to the hour of Ian’s arrival. His flight from London was due in less than twenty four hours from now, and she’d literally been checking off the days on her calendar for the past week. She missed him desperately, the twice daily phone calls they had shared - along with a barrage of texts and emails - no real substitute for seeing him in the flesh. But the long, lonely days without him would finally be coming to an end tomorrow evening, and Tessa was determined to never endure another lengthy separation like this again.
She’d finished her letter of resignation a few days ago, but was waiting for Ian’s return before handing it over to Andrew. Tessa knew that her supervisor would try to talk her out of it, would even do his best to make her feel guilty about resigning, and that she would have to strengthen her resolve and not give in to him. However, if Ian was correct in his assumptions, then perhaps Andrew would surmise the real reason behind her resignation and leave well enough alone. She was keeping her fingers crossed that it would be the latter, for she wasn’t at all sure she could hold her own against her very formidable supervisor.
She burrowed her face into the pillow, thankful that she wouldn’t be sleeping on this uncomfortable mattress too much longer. During Ian’s two week absence, she’d made good progress on cleaning up the apartment, getting rid of things that were bordering on junk, and setting aside some others that she intended to donate to charity. One advantage of living in a tiny apartment meant that you didn’t have a whole lot of stuff, so that moving wouldn’t be much of an effort. When she officially moved into Ian’s house at the end of the month, she would only be bringing along her clothes, toiletries, laptop, and a few personal items like books, CD’s, and photos.
Tessa smiled sleepily as she imagined Ian looking disdainfully through her belongings, probably insisting that she toss out some of her older articles of clothing – especially the despised raincoat. He had already made some comment about the age and condition of her laptop, and she knew without being told that he was making plans to replace it with a brand new, top of the line model - just as he’d done with her cell phone. And she also knew that no matter how much she might protest about not needing more clothing or jewelry or
things
, that it would all fall on deaf ears so far as Ian was concerned. He wasn’t a man used to being told no, and once he made up his mind about something - well, that was simply the way it was going to be.
She fell asleep very quickly after that, though her slumber was short-lived. It was a combination of sounds and smells that woke her abruptly – the piercing beep of all three of the apartment’s smoke detectors; the frantic pounding at her front door; and, most terrifying of all, the unmistakable, acrid scent of smoke.
Tessa flung back the bedcovers and raced frantically for the front door, far too panic stricken to even think about grabbing her purse or phone or a pair of shoes. Smoke was already beginning to fill the apartment, and she had barely opened the door when a burly firefighter grabbed her none too gently by the arm and hustled her down the stairs to the street below. Once there another firefighter shooed her across the street where other tenants were beginning to gather, all of them watching in horrified shock as the flames seemed to move at an accelerated speed to engulf more and more of the apartment building.
She was in total shock, still half-asleep, and she wondered wildly if this was some awful nightmare she had yet to wake from. But it was too real, too vivid, to be a dream, she realized in dismay. Her apartment, along with all of her belongings, was going up in flames before her very eyes, and she was powerless – utterly powerless – to do anything about it. Even the fact that she was barefoot and clothed only in a rather skimpy pair of sleep shorts and an equally insubstantial tank top didn’t phase her. And despite the heat being given off by the wicked flames, Tessa felt frozen, in both body and mind.
She lost all sense of time, of awareness, too immersed in shock to notice the sobs and shrieks of the other tenants, or to pay much attention to what the emergency personnel were saying. After a time, someone arrived to lead all of the displaced tenants down the street a couple of blocks to a Chinese restaurant that she’d eaten at a few times. From what she was able to surmise through the fog that had enveloped her brain, the owners had agreed to let the Red Cross use their place as a command center of sorts, handing out food and water and blankets as they tried to calm everyone down and begin making temporary housing arrangements for them.
Tessa refused soup or hot tea or a bottle of water, but did accept a folded-up space blanket to wrap around her inadequately clothed body. The chaos all around only served to pull her even deeper into a near-catatonic state of shock, and she padded on bare feet to the farthest corner of the restaurant to try and get away from all theconfusion. She huddled into a chair, wrapping the blanket around herself, and tried desperately to stop her uncontrollable shaking. She felt like crying, or screaming, like some of the others were doing, but was too numb to summon up the effort it would take.