Cressida Cowell_How to Train Your Dragon_04 (3 page)

The Hysterics were gaining, and one Big Brute carrying a gigantic, double-headed, black and gold axe, fastened an arrow to his bow.

Hiccup screeched to a stop, sending out a fan of snow. He fixed an arrow to his own bow.

"Oh my horns and whiskers!" squealed Toothless. "He's going to d-d-do something! Don't d-d-do it , Hiccup! Don't do it!"

Hiccup took careful aim and let go of the arrow, which sailed through the air, and hit the Big Brute with the Axe; who was about to shoot Fishlegs, right bang splat in the bottom.

It was the first successful hit Hiccup had had all morning.

"Good shot!" roared One Eye, enjoying himself hugely.

The Big Brute with the Axe let out a roar, and his arms flailed around wildly. He let fly his own arrow, which, in a streak of glorious luck, soared in a perfect arc ... straight into the bottom of the Hysteric skiing in front of him.

"Oh, this is too good...," breathed One Eye. "Pinch me... It must be my birthday ..."

That
Hysteric then screamed in pain, and pitched forward into a complete somersault, taking out the Hysteric in front of
him,
who slid on his back into the legs of the last three Hysterics, upturning them like bowling pins, and all SIX Hysterics ended up in a groaning, tangled, furious, snowy heap.

"Good, good," muttered Hiccup. "Now, please make all six of them follow me, not Fishlegs."

"I think they will!" cried One Eye, crying with laughter, "Oh, I think they will..."

"OYER HERE!" yelled Hiccup, making quite sure they saw who had caused their downfall, and then 
for good measure, "IF YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF BEING SHOT, YOU... WRIGGLING RUFFIAN RUBBISH!"

"Look what you've d-d-done!" moaned Toothless. "Those Hysterics are going to be so m-m-mad!
"

Mad those Hysterics certainly were, as mad as fire, and Hiccup set off down the mountain like a little bolt of lightning.

"We've got a head
start,"
panted Hiccup, skiing faster than he ever had done in his entire life.

"But it's not going to be enough," gloated One Eye with relish. "You've got half the mountain to ski down, and they're going to catch up."

Sure enough, a horribly short time afterward, Hiccup could hear the Hysterics beginning their pursuit behind him.

Five of the Hysterics were howling the Hysterical Howl like a pack of insane high-pitched wolves, and the sixth, the one with the Axe, was screaming more personal insults.

"How DARE you assault MY Royal Buttocks, you midget Hooligan Assassin! We Hysterics are the best Hunters in the entire world, and when I get hold of you I shall chop you with my Chopper and feed you 
to the Doomfang, I shall shoot you full of arrows and use you as a colander!" yelled the Hysteric with the Axe.

"Charming" grinned One Eye. "F ond of visitors, are they Hysterics?"

Hiccup headed straight for the woods, thinking they would find it harder to shoot him in there.

Now, skiing through a thickly forested area is dangerous, hard 
work, and the first rule you should follow in normal circumstances is to go SLOWLY.

These were not normal circumstances, and Hiccup screamed through that forest, madly twisting and turning, far too fast for safety.

"B-b-be careful!" warned Toothless helpfully. "M-m-mind trees!"

"Oh thank you, Toothless," panted Hiccup sarcastically as he swerved violently this way and that, "I never thought of that..."

Dragons have quicker reflexes than humans, so One Eye and Toothless followed with ease. But the Hysterics weren't doing too badly either. Hiccup did hear one crash, as one of the Hysterics didn't turn in time and smashed into a tree.

But that left five Hysterics still chasing after him, and from the sound of their spine-creeping Hysterical Howls, getting closer by the second ...

"You cannot get away!" screamed the Big Brute with the Axe. "When I get hold of you, I shall tear you limb from limb and use your wishbone as a toothpick!"

Meanwhile, down at the bottom of the gorge, Gobber had woken from his nap, and ten of his young pupils had returned from their hunting trip.

Gobber had harnessed five Saber-Toothed Drivers to the sleigh, and was waiting for the return of Hiccup and Fishlegs.

"I shot ninety Snow peckers," boasted Speedifist to an impressed Wartihog.

"That's NOTHING," crowed Snotlout. "I got
two hundred and four...
easy-peasy lemon squeezy, it was like shooting fish in a barrel. Even Hiccup the Useless and his ridiculous Fishlegged friend must have got a few today; they can't be THAT pathetic."

"WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THOSE

NUMBSKULLS?" roared Gobber, beginning to feel a little uneasy. For Hiccup was the son of the Chief, Stoick the Vast, O Hear His Name and Tremble, Ugh, Ugh, and Stoick had a nasty temper and wouldn't be too pleased if anything had happened to his only son.

"Maybe they got ambushed by Snow peckers?" sneered Snotlout.

There was a shouting from the gorge, and down it like an erratic snowplowing rocket came Fishlegs, arms whirring like windmills. Fishlegs was going so fast he couldn't possibly stop. He went on past the sleigh, past the openmouthed Gobber and the boys, and on 
and on for fifty meters until he eventually came to a stop, and collapsed on the ice.

Gobber ran after him, with a very nasty feeling now in the bottom of his stomach, and picked Fishlegs up.

Fishlegs looked terrible, purple and sweaty and trembling.

"HICCUP?" shouted Gobber. "WHERE is HICCUP?"

"Hysterics ...," gasped Fishlegs. "A... a ... a ... cchoo!
Hysterics
..."

Gobber turned as white as a Semi-Spotted Snow pecker.

Up above, Hiccup shot out of the cover of the trees like an arrow from a bow.

Directly below him was the gorge.... He could see the little speck of Gobber's sleigh, and little dots moving around it. The other boys must have made it back, then ...

Hiccup knew that if he skied down the gorge, he would never make it. The Hysterics were so close behind him now they would shoot him or catch him before he reached the bottom.

He had to make a split-second decision.

Instead of heading toward the gorge, he set his teeth grimly and pointed his skis to the right, down the slope that led directly to the clifftop.

"What are you d-d-doing?" shrieked Toothless. "This w-w-way Issa two-hundred-meter cliff! You going to d-d-die!!"

Behind him, the Hysterics burst out of the woods. When they saw where Hiccup was going, they didn't even bother to start shooting. They just swooped after him, shouting out jeeringly:

"Where do you
think you're
going, Hooligan 
SCUM?"

"Say hello to Valhalla for me, because that's where you'll end up!"

They could see the edge of the cliff now, where the snow ended, and it was just an endless drop into nothingness.

"Stop!" shrieked Toothless. "S-s-stop!!"

"Why?" asked Hiccup. "I haven't got any choice you think those Hysteries are going to give me a big warm hug and let me go?"

"N-n-no!" screamed Toothless." But you can't ski off a c-c-cliff! Issa long way D-D-DOWN!"

"That's why I need your help, One Eye," said Hiccup to the great Saber-Toothed Dragon, who was bounding alongside.

"And what makes you think," sneered One Eye, " that I WANT to help you? I hate Humans. One less of you little pink slave drivers isn't going to trouble ME." "That's true," said Hiccup, "but if I die, the next Chief of the Hairy Hooligan Tribe will be ..."

Hiccup had run out of slope. He launched himself off the cliff, throwing his weight forward, skis wide apart. One Eye followed, unfolding his great wings.

"Will be who?" said One Eye urgently. "Will be who?" For one moment Hiccup soared up into that glorious infinity of blue sky like a bird.

And then he plunged DOWN, yelled Hiccup as he fell Hiccup screamed toward the ice at a hundred and fifty miles per hour.

Gobber the Belch, watching from below as the precious son of his Boss was about to fall to his death, screamed as well.

In three seconds Hiccup would smash into the ground and that would be the end of him.

After one second Hiccup was pretty sure One Eye would save him. After two seconds he wasn't so sure.

And in fact the great Saber-Toothed Driver Dragon was only just in time. For vital milliseconds his hatred of humans held him back ...

But then he folded back his wings and dived after Hiccup.

A Saber-Tooth can dive more swiftly and beautifully than a peregrine falcon. One Eye caught Hiccup around the waist with his great talons in the nick of time, and then swept upward, wings stretched out like a great white kite. Hiccup gave a whoop of joy.

Down below, the watching boys cheered, and started the Hooligan Hurrah. Gobber practically
fainted,
such was his relief.

"Snotface Snotlout," said One Eye, as he spread his wing wide. "Is he the tall red-headed by with a face like a pig?"

"That's the one," crowed Hiccup happily.

"Then you're right," replied One Eye, soaring even higher "perhaps you are on Human worth saving..."

Up on the clifftops, the Big Brute of a Hysteric with the Axe was so angry he snapped his ski poles like twigs. His furious voice floated up to them: "YOU'RE WOT SAFE YET! YOU'RE NOT SAFE EVER!" screamed the Big Brute, completely beside himself. "WHEREVER YOU GO I SHALL FIND YOU!

I SHALL FOLLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH, TO THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN, IN THE GOD-LIKE HEIGHTS OF THE SKY! I PROMISE YOU, YOU HOOLIGAN COCKROACH, THAT YOU WILL REGRET THE DAY YOU SHOT AN ARROW IN THE BOTTOM OF NORBERT THE NUT JOB!!" And then the sound became too faint for them to hear any more.

"Remind me" Hiccup said to Toothless as they flew along, "not to come back to Hysteria anytime in the next twenty year ..."

"E-e-ever," replied Toothless passionately. "Not come back EVER."

Saber-Toothed Drivers are so bulky and muscular, they can only fly short distances, so One Eye dropped right down and placed Hiccup in the sleigh of a very relieved Gobber the Belch. Gobber took one look at the Hysterics on "the clifftops, shaking their fists and howling the Hysterical Howl, and judged it might not be a good idea to stick around. He loaded Fishlegs and the other boys back onto the sleigh and, cheering and singing, they followed the flying Saber-Tooth all the way back to the little Isle of Berk.

I am the Venomous Vorpent, Deadlier than an a spooked in arsenic, More toxic than toadstool flavored tarantula. Are you enough-y and cold-y and snotty and sneezy?

Are you mad? Are you sad? Do you feel queasy? is your skin so hot it is starting to smoke? is your throat so stiff it is making you choke?

If you fall down DEAD, perhaps you too

Have been stung by the VENOMOUS VORPENT.

4. IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH FISHLEGS?

Hiccup did not sleep well that night. Every time he dropped off, Norbert the Nutjob found him in his dreams, screaming, "I will GRIND YOU INTO SAND!

I WILL CHOP YOU WITH MY CHOPPER!" and Hiccup would wake up again, burningly hot and sweaty.

The following day, Toothless woke up in a furious temper because he still wasn't back in Hibernation Sleep. He'd done everything he should have done the night before. He'd gotten lots of exercise, drunk a milky drink at bedtime; all for nothing. On the dot of five o'clock the next morning, his greengage eyes opened up, SNAP, like a scallop opening its shell, and that was it for the day, no more sleeping.

And that was it for Hiccup too.

Toothless crawled up from his place at Hiccup's feet, like a small, enraged hot-water bottle. He stormed up Hiccup's body, digging his sharp little claws into Hiccup's tummy as he went, up to Hiccup's forehead, where he sat and hissed furiously.

"Toothless a-a-awake AGAIN...'Snot fair...

'Snot fair
....
WHY Toothless awake? Everyone else asleep..."

It is not much fun being woken up at five o'clock in the morning by a dragon sitting on your head and hissing angry smoke rings straight up your nostrils.

"Well I'M awake now too," grumbled Hiccup, coughing sleepily. "Could you blow those smoke ring somewhere else; I've already got a sore throat..."

"Oh you," fumed Toothless, blowing out great clouds of furious smoke. "You're j-j-just a H-h-human, you don't count...Us d-d-dragons s-s-sensitive....we n-n-need our sleep." 
our sleep."

"Thank you, Toothless," said Hiccup through a huge bout of coughing, "but we don't have to get up now, you know, we can just doze for a bit..."

Hiccup turned over onto his other side and snuggled the furs more cozily around his shoulders, so he could snooze for a bit longer.

But once Toothless was awake he was AWAKE.

The little dragon made a half-hearted pretense of snuggling down next to his Master, and then he bounced up again.

"Toothless get UP now...," he said, flapping around Hiccup's head, tweaking his hair and blowing raspberries in his ears. "Issa l-l-lovely morning...come on...come on ... Toothless h-h-hungry... Hiccup make Toothless b-b-breakfast...."

And when that didn't work, Toothless stood on Hiccup's shoulder, held his earlobe tenderly with one claw, and shrieked right down his ear hole, "MAYDAY MAYDAY! Toothless need to make p-p-pee-pee RIGHT NOW!"

Hiccup sat bolt upright like he'd been shot with an arrow. "Oh jumping jellyfish, not right now, Toothless, not on the bed again...Hang on there, Toothless, just hang on..."

Hiccup jumped out of the bed in one hop, onto the freezing cold stone floor, and threw on four layers of furs, with Toothless flapping around his head squawking, "RIGHT NOW, RIGHT SOW, Toothless need pee-pee RIGHT NOW."

"Just hang on!" begged Hiccup. He had to take his mittens off to undo the big bolts on the front door, 
Toothless shrieking, "Right now! Right now! Right now!"