As soon as those words had left my mouth, I regretted them.
“I started dating Seth because you couldn’t give me what I wanted!”
It wasn’t until the words were spoken that I realised there was truth behind them. Was that really it? Did I use Seth? That makes everything I put Seth through even worse.
What kind of a person am I?
The ringtone I hadn’t heard in over a month
, plays again on my phone, for the sixth time tonight. I glance at the screen and see Nick’s name, the time is a little after nine o’clock. Six missed calls since I ran off from him only about three hours ago. He’s nothing, if not persistent. I watch the screen until it silences and darkens again.
I know I should answer but I don’t know what to say to him. Our confrontation was
…
intense
. He didn’t say anything I didn’t deserve, or already know. But that didn’t make it any easier to hear. It was his anger that shocked me. I wasn’t expecting it. He called me an arsehole, and a tease, for what? Leading
him
on? If anything, he led
me
on! He kissed me and then rejected me over and over again.
What does it matter to him now
anyway? He moved on with his life, I saw him with his arms around that girl at the club.
My phone screen lights up again
. He’s going to keep pestering me, I know it. I lift a shaky finger and this time swipe the screen before it gets a chance to make a sound.
“What do you want from me?
” I answer the phone crossly.
“I want you to talk to me. We used to be friends.”
“
Friends!
” I say the word like it’s an expletive.
“Em
please,” he breathes. That’s all I need for the waterworks to start; just the sound of his,
now kind
, voice. The friendly Nick I have missed so much. “Oh Em, what happened?” I shake my head, which is stupid because he can’t see me. The tears continue, though I try to remain silent. He doesn’t need to listen to me cry. “When did you and Seth break up?”
“The day after my birthday,
” I blurt out.
“
What?
” He pauses for a moment, as I continue to softly cry. “But I came over that afternoon. I came over and Seth opened the door.”
“You did?”
I ask, confused.
“He told me you were asleep. What happened?”
“I wasn’t asleep, for the most part. I was pretending to be, while I tried to figure things out.”
“What do you mean,
‘figure things out?’”
“Things with Seth
didn’t feel right and he got a job offer. He wanted me to move to Sydney with him and I couldn’t do it.”
Not when I had such strong feelings for you
, I add silently.
“So
you
broke it off?” he asks and I can clearly hear the surprise in his voice. That instantly makes me irate.
“Yes Nick
,
I
broke it off. Why is that so hard for you to believe?” I snap. I can tell he is trying to speak but I keep talking over the top of him, angry that he never sees me as being good enough. I wasn’t good enough for him. And I sure as hell wasn’t good enough for Seth. “You think Seth was too good for me too? I know he was and that’s why I told him to go! I don’t deserve- You know what? Just forget it!”
I hang up my phone and switch it to silent when he immediately calls me back. I don’t need his opinion
, I feel bad enough about myself without his input.
I have been going over it all in my head, over and over again. She broke up with him, the day after her birthday. The same day I tried to convince her of what I felt for her. The day Seth answered the door. It doesn’t make sense.
She said she broke up with him because he wanted to move interstate and take her with him, but I’m not convinced. I saw how broken she was that morning, before Seth got there. She was still dressed in the same clothes
as the night before. She was upset with me, over what I did. Because she had a boyfriend… but then she didn’t… Did she break up with him because of me? Is it possible I was at least part of the reason?
I’ve done some terrible things in the past. I have said hurtful things to her. I don’t deserve her forgiveness, but I’m going to ask for it anyway. I’m not going to give up so easily this time.
It’s been a week since I hung up on Nick. He has called me once a day
since, but I’ve never answered. My car has been running fine; I haven’t needed to catch the train, so I haven’t seen him. That's a good thing. I don't know what I would say to him if I saw him. I am so confused over everything that has happened between us. He is confusing. When I saw him last he made me feel as though I had done wrong by him, that I had hurt him. But he was the one that kissed me when I had a boyfriend. He's the one that ran out on me. And what the hell was that comment about me leading him on?
“Have a good weekend!”
Sophie calls out as she leaves the room.
“Yeah you too,
Soph,” I respond, as I pack up my desk.
We’ve been working today on a brochure for a cute little bed and breakfast in the
Dandenongs. I’m trying my best, I am, the work is good, but my heart’s not in it. It’s definitely not much of a challenge, working with layouts on computers and to-ing and fro-ing with the clients via email. Sophie and I work pretty closely together and I’ve been learning a lot from her. She’s actually quite fun to work with. But for the most part, I’m not enjoying it.
I get in the empty elevator and press the button for the basement car park.
This is when I miss Seth the most, when I am alone in the elevator, fond memories of the electricity in the air between us, his sexy smile and big brown eyes. I’ve heard via Pete that he’s doing well in his new job. I still feel bad for what happened between us, but I know in my heart that I did the right thing, for both of us.
When I get back to my apartment I find a package on my doorstep. It’s a large padded envelope that has obviously been hand delivered. There’s no name on it
, so I briefly wonder if it’s been delivered to the wrong apartment. I unlock the door and walk into the kitchen as I tear it open. There is a CD inside with a handwritten note.
Em,
You won’t answer my calls and I know how much you love music
, so I thought I could say what I wanted to you in a different way. One you may actually hear. Please listen to the CD, I promise there is no doof-doof!
Nick.
I chuckle at the
“doof-doof” comment and flip the CD over in my hand. It’s one he must have made himself because it’s a blank disc with “Sorry by Buckcherry” handwritten on it. I take it out of its clear plastic case and pop it in my CD player, then sit on the couch to listen to it. It’s an oldish song that I vaguely recognise.
I fight back t
ears as I listen to the lyrics. The song is perfect. It conveys my feelings as well as his. He is sorry and he misses me and he wishes he could take back every hurtful thing he has said. I feel the same way. When the song finishes I hit replay and listen to it all over again. The second time around, I cannot stop the tears from streaming down my face.
I’ve missed his friendship. I’ve missed having him in my life. But the song means more than that. I’m positive. I remember the words he spoke to me th
e day after my birthday,
“You know we would be so good together, Em… You know you feel this as much as I do.”
He’s right. I’ve always been attracted to him
.
Always.
I don’t know what this means for us. But I
do
know I cannot ignore him any longer. I need to speak to him. I need answers.
I’m sitting in my car outside her apartment waiting for a call, a text or something. I left the CD on her doorstep only minutes before she came home. She had no idea I was parked across the street. I watch
ed her park her car and head upstairs. She looked gorgeous in her knee length hippy skirt that kind of swished when she walked, her hair shining in the sun. It was hard to sit back and hide in the car, when I wanted to go to her so badly.
I nervously wait for her to open the pack
age, but I know, I just know she will listen to the CD and take me back. Not that we were ever really together… Whatever, I know that she will talk to me again.
Half an hour passes and then I’m not so sure. Maybe she hasn’t listened to it yet. Or maybe- a text comes through.
Em: Do you feel like Mexican?
I let out a sigh of relief and then punch the roof of my car with glee.
This is it.
I realise my hand is shaking a little as I text her back.
Nick: Sounds great
We can start over. It will be like our first date all over again. This time I won’t stuff it up.
Em: Can you be ready in about half an hour?
Nick: I’m ready now. I’m outside.
I get out of my car when I see her come out onto her balcony. She spo
ts me immediately and yells out, “I’ll be right down!”
Minutes later
, I am looking at Em’s beautiful green eyes and the brilliant smile I have missed so much. I pull her in for a hug.
“Hi,” I mumble into her hair.
She smells so good.
“What were you doing out here?”
She speaks into my chest.
“Stalking you
, of course,” I laugh. She moves away from my embrace and cocks her eye at me, with an amused smile on her face. “I dropped off the CD right before you got home and I couldn’t leave before I knew what your reaction was,” I explain.
“Good thing you couldn’t see me from here then.”
“Why's that?”
“Because yo
u made me blubber like an idiot,” she says giving me a playful shove before covering her face with her hand. She cannot hide the blush on her cheeks from me though, I enjoy it too much for it to be hidden. I pull her hand away. She looks me in the eye then adds, “Happy tears though.”
“Well that’s good
. I want to make you happy Em.” She smiles at me and I have to pull her in for another hug. “God, I’ve missed you,” I whisper in her ear then watch the goose bumps break out on her neck. When I let her go she is blushing even more viciously, such a turn on. I clear my throat. “Shall we?” I ask, offering her my hand.
She takes it and we begin the short walk to
the La Hacienda Mexican Restaurant.
We sit in the same booth, in the same positions as last time. Nick looks at me in the way that only he can, like he wants to devour me. It’s a little unnerving but I’ve decided I’m going to go with it. I’m sick of playing it cautiously where Nick is concerned. I’m going to sit back and relax, let the chips fall where they may. I’m not going to define this, whatever it is, friendship, hook-up or other.
“I knew you’d have to give in to me eventually
. You know I’m irresistible.” He smiles that perfect smile, highlighting those dimples on his beautiful face I’ve missed so much. I’m glad to see him back to his old cocky self.
“Yeah, I can tell
how smug you are by that shit-eating-grin on your face!” I laugh.
“You know, I’ve never unde
rstood that saying, ‘shit-eating-grin’. If I’d been eating shit I know I wouldn’t be grinning about it.” Nick’s laugh is deep, genuine and sexy as hell.
God I’ve missed him!
“You are so gross Nick!”
I chuckle.
“Yeah
, but you love me anyway!”
My breath hitches.
Shock registers on his face when he realises what he’s just said. Uneasiness spreads between us. He clears his throat.
“Seriously though Em,” he grip
s my hand from where it was resting on the table between us, “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me too,” I say, giving his hand a squeeze.
He opens his mouth to say something more, but the waitress arrives with our meals. He lets go of my hand and leans away for her to put our plates down. We eat in a comfortable silence for a while but then I start to feel a little uneasy with the way Nick’s eyes keep flicking to me as he eats.
“What?” I eventually ask.
“Nothing.” He smiles. It’s not nothing. I stare at him with an expression that must read that I don’t believe him and I want an explanation. He reads it right because he speaks to me again, his face serious. “I just… I thought I’d fucked up so bad… I thought I’d lost you forever.”
“Oh Nick,
” I reach across and grab hold of his hand again, giving it another gentle squeeze. His eyes light up and he leans over the table as if he’s about to kiss me. I pull back. It’s an automatic reaction, and I regret it immediately. I see confusion register on his face.
“Em, I thought…” h
e trails off, looking for an explanation.
“I’m- That’s not… what-” I fumble. So much for me not labelling this and going with the flow.
He wanted to kiss me.
I want him to kiss me.
What is my problem? I see the disappointment on his face. He looks rejected, and that is not what I want. “No. Sorry, I didn’t mean that.” I bury my face in my hands. “Shit. Can we rewind?”
He pulls my hands from my face and I look up to him. He
doesn’t let go as he smiles at me, flashing his dimples. My eyes meet his glorious pale blue ones and my heart skips a beat.
“Sorry,
” I repeat.
“Don’t be. I get it, this is weird, right?”
“Yeah. But I don’t want it to be.” His eyes search my face for a moment, then he lets go of both of my hands.
“We
ll then it won’t be. Let’s eat,” he says, returning his attention to his food.
“That simple?”
“That simple,” he says with mouth full of food and a smirk on his face. I can’t help but smile back.
“Okay.”