We lie in the dark for a while. In silence. What is there to say? That was beyond intense. I can’t look into his eyes like that, while doing that, and not feel anything. Who am I kidding? I can’t do any of this and not feel anything. I hear Nick’s breathing even out beside me and give a small chuckle when I realise he has fallen asleep, with a condom on. The smile on my face fades with the realisation that
this
, with Nick, is going to leave me absolutely shattered.
I have been a mess since Seth. I hated that I couldn’t make it work with him. I felt terrible for what I did to him. But that’s not the real reason I was such a mess, I realise
that now. It had more to do with Nick than anything. It was knowing that Nick was out there and I couldn’t have him. Being with him now is only going to make things so much harder later when he’s off gallivanting around the world. I have to do something to lessen the blow.
I quickly wipe away a tear when he stirs beside me and smile at him when
he opens his eyes.
“How long was I out?” h
e asks, sitting up on his elbows.
“Only like a minute or tw
o.”
“Oh good.”
I glance downwards and smile. His eyes follow mine and he chuckles. “Yeah, well I better go get cleaned up then.”
“Feel fr
ee to have a shower if you like,” I say to his retreating back. When he reaches my bedroom doorway he turns around.
“Care to join me?” h
e asks huskily.
“Raincheck,
” I repeat the word he used earlier.
I swallow as I watch him disappear. I would love to join him
in the shower but that would only make this harder. When I hear the shower running I get up and put on a pair of pyjamas.
The whole time I’m in the shower I think about everything that has happened in the past twenty-four hours. I’m exhausted, but not from the physical exertion, I know I’m fit, that is not the problem. I’ve realised it’s because of how I feel about Em. The emotions she draws from me are nothing I have ever felt before and it’s draining me in a new way. What we have been doing together sexually, has only solidified my feelings for her. I don’t know how I can go overseas and forget any of this has happened. The internal battle I have going on is wearing me out.
When I exit the bathroom in a towel
, I find Em sitting in the lounge room watching TV.
“
You want to come to the club?” I ask her, but when I reach her on the couch I see that she is wearing PJs and looks pretty settled for the night.
“Not tonight,” s
he mumbles, before taking a sip of her beer. Her eyes never leave the TV screen. I can’t tell if she is upset or just tired, but I
can
tell she’s not in a talkative mood. I move around her apartment collecting my clothes and putting them on as I find them. Then go sit beside her on the couch.
“Everything alright?”
I ask.
“Fine.”
She keeps her eyes on the TV. I don’t believe her, I’m sure something is on her mind.
“I have to go home and get organised for tonight. Are you sure you won’t come? I could come back in
about half an hour and pick you up?”
S
he shakes her head. I stand and lean down to kiss her on the lips, but she moves her head away and I catch her cheek instead. I try to ignore the hurt I feel as she pretends to be riveted to the screen in front of her.
“Do you want
me to come over after the gig?” I could think of nothing better than sleeping beside her all night long. I want to be with her and take care of her. It’s not something I’ve ever wanted to do with a girl before and I am finding it really hard to leave, especially when something is obviously bothering her.
“No.
” She ducks her head and plays with the hem of her tank top, staring at it unseeingly. “Nick, we need some boundaries,” she says, finally looking up at me. I collapse back against the couch with dread. “We have to stick to the arrangement. You can’t kiss me like I’m your partner. We can’t hang out like we’re a couple. There can’t be any sleepovers.” She speaks without any emotion, but I can see the tears forming in her eyes. It hurts me that they are there, but at the same time, I am so mad at her for doing this I can’t think straight. She’s shutting me out, pushing me away.
What does she mean we can’t hang out? We’ve been doing it all bloody day!
I have so much
I want to say, so much bubbling under the surface. At the same time, I am so angry at her, I may also say something I regret. She has told me what she wants, it’s not what
I
want, but I can’t
not
have her. I will take anything I can get. I have to take this for what it is and apparently,
to her
, it is just an “arrangement”. It kills me that she can think of us this way, when it feels like so much more than that to me. The past twenty-four hours have been beyond incredible for me and yet she can just push me away like it was nothing? Like what we have is meaningless?
“Right.”
I stand abruptly. “Call me when you want your next hook-up then,” I say in frustration, before leaving the apartment without a second glance.
After what we’ve
shared, the day we’ve spent together, how can she turn so goddamned cold?
I could tell he was upset when he left here last night, but I had to lay down some ground rules, didn’t I? I mean, I have to do something to prepare myself, to help soften the blow… for when he leaves. It is what is, it has to be. I can’t pretend that we are something, when we’re not.
Even so
, I woke up this morning with a sense of dread. Dread that I’ve pushed him away again, pushed him too far. I have to do something. I have to try to fix this. I need to apologise, but how do I explain what I’m feeling without scaring him off completely? If I told him how I felt about him, it wouldn’t do either of us any favours. Not knowing what I’m going to say, I get out my phone and bring up his number anyway.
“I’m sorry,
” I say when Nick answers.
“No
. I’m sorry.” He pauses for a moment and I find myself holding my breath. “Can we just forget it?” My heart jumps to my throat when I immediately assume the worst.
Forget it? This whole thing?
It’s all too hard and he doesn’t want to bother anymore.
Why would he?
When he could get any girl he wants. For all I know, he hooked up last night when he was at the club. “Em?”
“Sorry
, what?” I choke out.
“Can we just forget what I said last night? I didn’t mean to be cruel.
I shouldn’t have said that, about hooking-up. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” Relief fills me - he’s not calling it off.
“Me either.
I didn’t mean what I said.”
“So can
we?” he asks. “I mean, can you forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry for the way I behaved. This is just hard for me.”
I can tell she is on the verge of
tears, her voice is thick with emotion as she speaks down the phone. I hate that she is upset.
“Why is it hard?”
I ask, stumbling over the words, choking them out.
“It just is.”
Em goes quiet; she’s obviously not going to open up to me over the phone.
“Can I come over?”
“
Please
,” she begs.
The pleading tone in her voice is all I need to hear. I hang up, shove my phone in my pocket and rush out my bedroom, through the lounge room and towards the front door.
“Nicky, where are you going in such a hurry? What about your breakfast?” Mum yells out from the kitchen.
“Sorry Ma, not hungry,
” I reply, pushing the door open and jogging down the steps. I know she is still talking but I don’t hear what she says next. I practically run the whole way to Em’s place.
H
er door flies open before I get the chance to knock. She flings herself into my arms, and I hold her tightly to me. Everything in the world feels right in that moment. When I pull back to speak she doesn’t give me a chance to utter a word before her lips crash into mine. That kiss turns passionate as her arms tighten around my neck and I pull her up until her legs are tight around my waist. I back her into the apartment kicking the door closed behind us.
“I’m sorry for pushing you away,” she says against my lips.
“I’m sorry for storming out,” I reply before kissing her again.
We
stumble a couple of steps, heading towards the bedroom, but not getting far before stopping against the wall in the foyer. I press her hard against it and she moans. My body is about to explode with the need I have for her. Hands tug and prod and somehow I manage to pull off her t-shirt and bra while still balancing her against the wall. And then my shirt is gone and we are somehow moving again. Another detour and we land on the couch.
I’m not sure how we ended up here and I don’t even care. I want him so bad. He pulls my shorts off. I tug at his jeans, getting the button undone and the zipper down, forcing my hands inside them, pulling him free.
“Hang on
, I’ll just…” he trails off, searching the pockets of his jeans that are hanging down below his butt. I give him a one-handed squeeze on his tight bare cheek. He holds up his phone and quickly tosses it on the coffee table. “Fuck!” He curses angrily.
“What?”
I ask, but my concentration is on his neck as I pepper wet kisses down it, my arms pulling him back down towards me.
“I left in such a hurry
- I don’t have my wallet or a condom.”
“Oh.”
I suppose we could go into the bedroom, but it just seems so far away and he is already in position, and oh I want him so bad.
“Do you always use a condom?” I pant as his lips assault my neck, his stubble grazing me deliciously.
“Of course,” h
e answers sounding perplexed.
“You swear?”
I breathe out against his shoulder. He pulls back to look at me.
“I
have never had sex without one,” he replies seriously, his eyes locked onto mine.
“So you’re clean and I’m clean…” I try to pull him towards me. “I promise.”
“Em…” He holds himself back from me.
“What, you don’t trust me?”
“Of course I do,” he replies sincerely.
“Good. I trust you too,
” I say holding his gaze, surprising myself.
I really do trust him.
“I’m on the pill.”
“So you’re saying… I can…” he raises his eyebrows. I nod
, biting my lip. His eyes grow wide, “Are you sure Em?”
“Yes, oh please, yes…”
I pull him back towards me and this time he doesn’t offer any resistance.
I gasp as he enters me forcefully with one hard thrust
a moment later. He moans loudly before his mouth crushes mine. Then he kisses me like his life depends on it and I kiss him back in the same way because I think, right now, in this moment, mine does.
He holds me tightly to his body
, possessing me completely. My fingers are like a vice on his back as we rock perfectly into one another. The passion between us unlike anything I have ever experienced, and it gets more intense each time we are together. I can hardly breathe. I pull from his kiss to gasp for air. I’m teetering on the edge, already about to climax.
“Yes! Yes!
Yes!” I scream out as he pushes me over that edge, hard and fast. He follows me within seconds.
“Oh Em,” he grunts into my neck
before pulling away. In this moment I think I have never heard two words spoken that I have liked more. His breathing is just as laboured as mine. I’m sitting against the couch. He has somehow fallen off it. I can still feel him throbbing inside me even though he’s no longer there. He grunts then kisses me hard on the lips before standing and pulling his up jeans. He stares down at me intently, his fly still undone.
So fucking sexy.
“
Thank you,” he whispers.
Thank you?
Just like that the mood is shifted, the moment gone.
“So you’re thanking me for sex now?” I try to play it cool, be funny, but I can’t hide the hurt
I feel, as I pull myself off the couch. I hastily grab up my clothes, making my way around the apartment.
So this is our arrangement.
I agreed to it, hell it was my idea, but
thanking
me, like we just made some sort of business transaction? That’s taking things to a whole new low. It makes me feel cheap and dirty and thoroughly pissed off.
“Em please
don’t. That’s not what I meant.” I swing around to glare at him. He walks towards me, seemingly unfazed by my dirty look. “Don’t get dressed. Please… can we just go to bed? I want to lie down with you.” He grabs my hand, his eyes bore into mine. For a moment he actually seems vulnerable and it stuns me. Here I am feeling hurt, feeling used, and suddenly
he’s
vulnerable? What the- “
Please,
” he stresses.
I nod,
and in a daze, drop my bundled up clothes onto the floor and allow him to pull me into the bedroom. He shoves his jeans back off, kicking them to the side and climbs into bed. Then he pulls me tightly against him. Naked body to naked body we embrace, facing each other. I know it’s too intimate for the whole “arrangement” but I can’t argue with him, I don’t have it in me, particularly when he looks at me in that way.
“
What I meant was… thank you for trusting me.” He watches his hand as he pushes the hair off my face.
“What do you mean?”
I ask, and his eyes reconnect with mine.
“Out there, for trusting me to be with you like that… when you know my history-”
“Exactly. You’ve never been anything but honest with me. I have no reason to doubt you.” I really don’t want to think about how many girls he has been with, but I believe him when he says he has been safe with every one of them.
“Nobody ever trusts me like that.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
He looks at me thoughtfully for a moment before squeezing me closer to him.
Considering that we are both naked and have never held each other quite like this before, I’m surprised at how comfortable it is, how right it feels.
I wish I could do this every
day.
Reality seeps back in and I remember that I can’t.
I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. While cleaning up I contemplate everything that is going on between us. I try so hard to push away all the bad thoughts and concentrate on the good ones. Most importantly, Nick is here,
now
. I just need to be with him and try to shut off my brain. When I re-enter the bedroom and see his glorious form lying naked in my bed with his eyes closed, I find it is easier to do, because gazing at him, my mind only fills with lust and love. I move closer to the bed. He’s too good to be true, with his taut muscles and perfectly toned skin. He looks like he’s been airbrushed or Photoshopped. He looks like a Greek God. I smile to myself when I realise that, well, he actually
is
Greek.
Nick’s eyes open and a smile lights up his face as he flings his arm out towards me.
“Get back in here,” he mumbles sleepily, with a sexy smirk adorning his face.
I grab hold of his hand and allow him to tug me back into my previous position. Again we lie naked, facing each other, our arms wrapped around one another. He kisses me gently on the forehead
, his stubble grazing me and I sigh in contentment. I didn’t sleep well last night, and being held securely in Nick’s arms makes me feel sleepy. I feel at peace in this moment. I feel safe and warm on the inside. But deep down I know I shouldn’t feel this way.
I need to stop thinking like this
.
Just when I’m starting to drift
off to sleep I feel movement down below. A jolt. My eyes flash open to find Nick smiling down on me. Another jolt.
“Again?
Already?” I feel movement once more.
“What can I say? You can’t expect me to control myself with you naked in my arms.” He smiles his sexy devilish smile and I feel myself pulsating with anticipation. He leans in for a gentle, tender kiss.