Crown's Chance at Love (52 page)

“What are you doing Robert? Did Holly put you up to this?” I ask gravely. I can’t seem to take my eyes off of her though.

She’s smiling at him, but her smile isn’t as bright as it was when she smiled at me, that was something right? She looks tired, dark circles under her eyes, and her face is a little thinner. That isn’t good. She’s probably working too hard and not taking care of herself. That was all on me.

“That’s what I should be asking you Mike?” Robert says. “What the fuck are you doing? You let her go. You don’t think some other bloke isn’t going to get in there? You think she’s going to hold her breath for you to stop being an arse?” he asks, his fucking Irish accent bristling me the wrong way.

“I didn’t know Holly had permanently taken your balls off and replaced them with a vagina. Here,” I shove a bottle of wine I had brought into his hands as he laughs. “I have to go,” I say turning, walking back to my car, heading back to my house and my bottle of scotch.

The next day I watch the game on the TV, knowing that the boys probably thought I was a total ass and a liar, knowing I had probably let them down. I stare at the bag on the couch with their personalized Chargers jerseys. Chris would have loved them. I should have had Robin get them delivered to them so that they would have them.

Then the leather matted picture frame catches my attention on my side table and I lean in and grab it. Staring at the five of us at the beach. Penny had printed some of the pictures from our beach trip and had given me this one and one of her mom and I. That picture I had bought a sweet metal frame for and had it in my office.

The frame staring back at me, reminds me of what I had had even for only a moment. Chris making a funny face at the camera, Mark trying to stay serious in a teen-type way, Penny hugging him trying to get him to smile, all while Sabrina and I stared at one another. It was a candid snapshot. It kills me to look at it.

I get up and go to splash water on my face, I am drunk. It isn’t even four in the afternoon and I am drunk. I look at myself in the mirror. Fuck I look like shit. I go to the rooftop, holding my phone. Staring at it, I pick it up and scroll down to her number, just about to call her. Should I? Should I not? I don’t. Fuck it.

She deserves someone good, someone better than me, someone like fucking Garibaldi.

Mike

I watch as Holly walks into my office three days before the Gala and think about how life had been with her, predictable and boring. But we had been great friends. She’s in a baby blue dress with a white cardigan, her long blonde hair flowing down her back with a slight wave. It is incredible how completely different Sabrina and Holly are. Sabrina. Even the thought of her name makes me fill with heartache. Thinking about how she had looked the last time I had seen her face to face, the night I had pushed her away. How she had looked sitting next to Garibaldi at Holly’s over the weekend.

“Hey Beautiful, how are you?” I say as I stand and go give her a hug and quick kiss on the cheek.

“I’m good, how about you?” she asks as she gives me a look I am familiar with. She wants something.

“Okay I guess. What can I do for you Holly?”

She walks over to the glass wall that gives me a great view of the city of Los Angeles. She stares out and after a minute she turns around, her baby blue eyes on mine.

“Let’s go for lunch. What do you say?” she says in a tone that I know all too well; she’s sweet but this is too sweet. She is up to something. Holly had always had a knack for playing games, something that Sabrina never did. No, my girl laid all her cards on the table and wore her heart on her sleeve.

A heart I had crushed.

“Holly…” I start to say sounding more annoyed than I should have.

“Have you talked to her?” she asks as her eyes are burning into mine.

“No. Not for a couple of weeks,” I say coldly. “Thanks for trying to ambush me, by the way. I am sure Robert told you I went to the BBQ.” I stare at her, and she winces and then shrugs unapologetically.

“I try. You should have come in. It was a great day. Robert made this delicious shrimp on the grill and Sabrina brought these amazing cannolis from that bakery the three of us went to, you know the one off of Sienega? Thanks for the wine by the way,” she says smugly. She is starting to get to me.

“Have you talked to her?” I ask.

“I have,” she states as she pretends to flick at something on her dress, and I stare at her dumbfounded. What the hell is she up to? Why is she going around Sabrina? Sabrina shouldn’t have to put up with Holly’s crap.

“Damn it Holly!” I can feel anger and frustration starting to boil in me.

“What? I mean come on, her and I do share some things in common right?” she says as she steps closer to me with a determined look set on her face.

“Really and what would that be?” I ask raising an eyebrow tilting my head.

“Well we are both moms. We are both working on the Gala together, oh and we were both once in love with you,” she says with a smirk on her face, and I just shake my head.

“You know she loves you right?” She pushes. “There is no way you are that dense not to know she is deeply in love with you? It can’t be a surprise to you.”

I know Sabrina loves me and I love her. But she deserves better.

“It isn’t…” my voice is hoarse. “She told me, and I told her the truth, I don’t see her that way. I thought, maybe I could, but… that’s over. It should have never started. I should have never…”

“Never what? Started things with her? Made her fall in love with you? Jesus Mike, you love her too, so why the fucking dramatics?” she asks starting to look disgusted at me.

“I don’t,” I say sternly not even able to look at her in the eyes.

“Bullshit,” she says seriously and I just stare at her. She had never called me out on my shit before, never, not once in ten years, and now she decides to start? How fucking great.

“Want to know what we have in common? I mean other than the connection with you, and the fact that we are both moms?” she asks and I just stare at her, sure that she will tell me.

“We share the exceptional knack of you wasting our damn time,” she says throwing her purse on my couch. “See your problem Mike is that you don’t know when to shit or get off the pot. You don’t know when to do what. She loves you Mike, she forgave you, damn it she even freaking understood why you lied to her about who you were. She seriously forgave you, with everything she is, she let it go. So why can’t you forgive yourself?” she says loudly. I can tell she is pissed.

“Holly…” I start to say, but she cuts me off.

“No Mike, you are going to listen to what I have to say, and hopefully it will penetrate through your thick fucking skull. She’s hurting,” she says. Holly’s blue eyes become soft, worried.

“I don’t know what you said to her, she wouldn’t tell me specifics, even broken hearted she still protects you, staying loyal to you, not telling me what you said to hurt her. She hasn’t even told the kids about it being over. But I know you.”

“Ten freaking years with you wasted, but let me tell you something, I know YOU!” she says angry, and I know she is right, she does fucking know me. Then what Holly had just said hits me, Sabrina hadn’t told the kids yet? Why? Was she hoping I’d go back?

“I know how you think, letting the guilt eat at you, guilt that isn’t even yours to carry, you big idiot, making yourself a god damn martyr. You don’t control the fucking world Mike. What Patrick did, that had nothing to do with you, it was HIS idiot mistake to drink all night and morning and get in his fucking car. It was HIS decision to blast the fucking radio so loud he didn’t hear an ambulance heading straight towards him! Sweetheart he had a serious drug and alcohol problem, but that wasn’t on you!

“I can only imagine what shit you spewed at her so that she would think you really don’t give a shit about her or those kids.” Her voice is turning angry as she stands in front of my desk, hitting her fist onto the dark wood, and for the first time in ten years Holly lets me see her ange. “Shit Mike even those kids are hurting.”

My throat feels tight. Holly’s right about everything. She knows me well; she knew what I had done to push Sabrina away, and the thought of the kids hurting made me sick. It makes me sick to think I’m hurting the four of them.

“But you want to know the difference between her and me?” she asks and I look at her lifting my eyebrows because I don’t trust myself to speak. “You wasted my time because we weren’t right for one another and we didn’t cut ties. That was on both of us,” she says calmly, obviously starting to cool down. “With her, the time you wasted, isn’t the time you shared you big idiot, it’s the time you are wasting by pushing her away.”

“Why do you care Holly?” I yell and she looks stunned almost as if I had just slapped her.

“Why do I care?” Her voice is getting louder and a little higher. Her hands are flat on my desk leaning towards me. “Why do I CARE? Damn it Mike, I swear sometimes I think you must be certifiable! I care because at the end of the day you are my friend. Because at the end of the day, somehow Sabrina and her kids became part of my family. Because once upon a freaking time, you and I, we loved one another, and I need to know that you are doing everything you possibly can to be happy, the way I did. You have a chance at genuine happiness Mike!

“All you have to do is grab it with both fucking hands and not let go. I saw you with her. Before and after everything that happened with Patrick came to light, you love her. Don’t be an idiot, she’s perfect for you. The way you are with her, shit even the way you are with those kids and those kids adore you!” she yells at me. Her face is twisted in frustration, and my heart and head hurt. I feel like a little bitch, tears threatening to fall as I am staring out of the view in my office.

“Mike…” her voice softens and I look at her as a tear rolls down my face. “Oh sweetheart,” she says as she comes over and holds me wrapping her arms around me.

“I lied to her and she forgave me. She loved me even after she knew that Patrick killed Sean, and what did I do Holly? I basically threw it all back in her face,” I say my voice hoarse and thick with emotion.

“Go to her Mike,” she whispers into my ear. I take a deep breath and hold her close, and she lets me. “It’s not too late”

“I can’t. She deserves someone good Hol,” I whisper burying my head in her neck, receiving the comfort she is offering. “Someone who isn’t a reminder of what she lost,” my voice is cracking in between tears.

“Oh Mike. If you could only see yourself the way I see you, shit the way Sabrina sees you, you would see what a wonderful man you are,” she whispers her fingers in my hair. “She looks like not only she thinks you hang the moon, but she truly believes you could and you look at her the same way. She only looks at you with love in her eyes, not sadness or regret. When she forgave you, she meant it. She never blamed you. When she looks at you, it’s only YOU who she sees. Don’t you get that?” she whispers her forehead on mine, her fingers in my hair as I take a deep breath trying to calm my ass down.

***

Sabrina

Emmi had been right when we had talked last night.  

I needed to try to talk to him one more time, if anything to try to stay professional, especially with the Breast Cancer Gala a couple of days away. Who am I kidding? I am chomping at the bit to see him again. Using any excuse I could find to go to him, to make sure he was doing okay. The elevator doors open and I head towards his office.

His assistant Robin, isn’t at her desk, so I walk towards his office door and look in since it’s been left ajar. My heart sinks to my stomach as my mind process’ what I am seeing, his words resonate in my head
“I love Holly, it’s always been her.”
I had thought that he had just said those things to push me away, but now staring into his office, his head dipped into her neck, his arms wrapped around her, them whispering, maybe I realize how utterly wrong I had been.

He really was in love with Holly. I can feel the blood draining from my face, as the thought sinks in. Her forehead moves to his, I notice her fingers in his hair. Part of me wants to run away, and the other wants to rip her off of him, to claim him, but he isn’t mine. Not for lack of me wanting him, but because he doesn’t want me. I could have sworn my heart broke a little more at the thought; funny because I didn’t think it could hurt anymore. Shit was I wrong, it hurt a lot more. I try to step back, but bump into a planter outside his door.