Authors: Liz Botts
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Hayley and I stayed with our parents a few days while the heat in our apartment got fixed. We enthusiastically moved back in just in time for the weekend.
“Hannah! Get the door. I need to grab a shower. If it's Megan, let her grab some of the dinner I made.”
Hayley's voice drifted into my room, and I yawned as I dragged myself off the bed. The persistent pounding got louder every second it took me to cross the apartment. “Oh, hold on. I'm coming,” I grumbled.
“We are kidnapping you for a night out!”
Angela and our friend Renee pounced on me the moment I opened the door. Angela wandered into the kitchen to inspect Hayley's dinner effort as Renee dragged me off to get dressed. Apparently my jeans and t-shirt weren't good enough for wherever we were going.
"When was the last time you went out?" Renee asked glancing around my room.
I laughed despite my bone-deep fatigue. "I go to class every day."
Renee picked up a pair of dirty socks on my desk chair and wrinkled her nose. "That is not what I meant," she said. My closet door creaked as she pulled it open, protesting the movement, and I briefly allowed myself to wonder if maybe I hadn't opened the door recently enough. "I know you're sad about Josh, sweetie, but that doesn't mean you should let yourself go."
I sat down on my bed, pulling my knees up to my chin. "I'm not. Letting myself go, I mean. And I don't want to talk about Josh."
Renee glanced at me over her shoulder. "Okay, sorry. Do you want to wear a dress?"
"Where are we going?"
"Not telling. Either a dress or these jeans. These would make your legs look fantastic by the way." She held up two dresses and a pair of zebra print skinny jeans for my perusal.
"Um...dress, I guess."
"No, skinny jeans."
Renee pulled two tank tops out of my dresser drawer, tossed them on the bed beside me, and turned back to my mass of jewelry clumped together on my dresser. She carefully began to extricate several necklaces. "Get changed," she urged. "If we don't hurry Angela will eat all the food in your kitchen and we'll have to wait hours before she is ready to go out."
I wriggled into the skintight pants, and layered the tank tops. Glancing in my floor length mirror, I squirmed in discomfort. "Ray, I can't go out in this."
As she turned around, Renee let out a wolf whistle, causing me to flush. "You sure can. You look hot, girl," she said. "Here put these on."
I draped several necklaces around my neck. The final effect was cute but not something I felt comfortable in. Maybe because they were hand me downs from Harlow. Who wants to wear her older sister's rejected wardrobe? Renee dug around under my bed until she found my one pair of heels. Too high and shiny silver. My breath caught as I remembered getting them for a wedding Josh and I attended. As I slipped them on my feet, the now too familiar longing to pick up the phone just to hear his voice overwhelmed me.
True to his word, Josh had let me have space. We hadn't spoken more than a few times in the past two weeks. And every day felt heavier than the one before. Being on my own had yet to make me feel like me again. I didn't want to charge out into the world and tackle the things I used to love. I hadn't even wanted to venture over to Crossroads by myself. I wasn't sure what I expected but it wasn't this all-consuming sadness. I didn't feel happy or independent. My focus hadn't come back. And I certainly didn't have any clarity on what my future should look like. Instead everything ran together in one big blur. And in a way, it further verified why I needed this break.
“Do I at least get to wear a coat?” I asked, running my hands along my arms.
Renee chuckled and rolled her eyes. “Here,” she said, tossing me a cardigan. “Put this on. No coat.”
My mouth dropped open. “But it's like negative forty degrees.”
“Oh suck it up,” Renee said. “Fashion without a little pain isn't worth it.”
With a sigh, I followed Renee out to the living room where Angela was waxing lyrical about Hayley's cooking. My smug little sister's eyebrows shot up when she saw me. “Lookin' good, Hannah. Where are you guys going?”
“I have no idea.” I crossed my arms in front of me feeling even more out of place.
Angela set her plate on the coffee table. “We aren't telling her âtil we get there.”
“Now let's go!” Renee picked up her purse from the chair.
In a flurry of activity, Angela and Renee swept me out of the apartment and into the freezing cold night. The cold leaked through my sweater and bit my skin. A cloud of my breath sputtered as my teeth chattered. I looked up at the night sky, dotted with crisp stars, seeming all the more crystal clear in the frigid darkness.
Renee's car grumbled as she turned the key, sputtering weakly before the engine came alive. She let the car idle for a moment before putting it into gear, and backing quickly out of our parking lot. The tires squealed in protest. My seat belt tightened across my body, leaving me uncomfortably constricted and still freezing.
Angela peered at me from the front seat. “Are you ready to shake off that gray cloud hovering over you?”
I frowned at her as I re-buckled my seatbelt. “Where are we going?”
I watched Angela and Renee share a glance. Did they not remember that I was sitting right here? “Twisters.”
“Ugh, I hate that place. Do we have to?” I sank lower into the seat and crossed my arms, not caring if I seemed like a petulant child. “I don't feel like drinking tonight.”
“I never drink,” Angela said pointedly. “And I always have a blast at Twisters. Come on, it'll be good. Maybe it will take your mind off Josh.”
“Good job, genius,” Renee muttered. “Take her mind off the boy by mentioning him. Just genius.”
Angela shot her a snarky look. “It's not like he isn't on her mind anyway. I'm just trying to get her on board here, which is more than I can say for you.”
“Um, guys? I'm right here,” I said. “Don't worry about mentioning Josh. He'll be on my mind no matter what.”
“So is it okay if we go to Twisters?” Angela's hopeful smile broke through my rancor.
“Sure,” I agreed. “But don't expect me to have fun.”
“Okay,” Angela said with mock solemnity. “We'll make sure you have a horrible, no-good, rotten time.”
“Sounds perfect,” I said, settling back to stare out the window as we drove across town.
****
Twisters was packed when we arrived. The tiny spotlights that backlit the bar and illuminated the neon pink and green wall made little pinpricks in my vision. The owners clearly wished they had a nightclub in Vegas. I followed my friends through the glass and chrome tables that ringed the rest of the room, dominated by a dance floor packed with people. My stomach clenched at the smell of beer and sweat, and I hid my face in my hands until the dry heaves stopped shuddering through my body.
I hadn't been kidding when I had said I hated this place. The last time I was here, Josh and I had ordered champagne to celebrate my twenty-first birthday. Not the wisest move since I knew the champagne would make me sick. I spent a good chunk of the night locked in a bathroom stall.
Not
a good memory.
Renee led us through the crowd, wriggling between the best-looking guys she could find. I noticed that their eyes followed her backside as she moved away. She tossed a few saucy glances over her shoulder, looking completely in her element. Angela stuck closer to me, a smile plastered on her face. I had been surprised in the car with how much Angela had wanted to come here, given her normal aversion to bars. As we approached the bar, I realized why she'd been so anxious to come.
“Hi, Marty,” she beamed as she climbed up onto a barstool. Marty leaned over the bar and whispered something that made Angela giggle. She looked so gloriously happy that little daggers of jealousy dug into my stomach. I knew Marty from classes, and although I never would have paired them up, I was really happy Angela had finally found someone.
I sat down next to Angela while Renee positioned herself strategically against the bar. Within seconds she had been asked to dance and disappeared into the crowd. A moment later, Marty appeared around the side of the bar, and stretched out his hand to Angela.
“Marty has a fifteen minute break so we're going to dance, is that okay?” she asked, yelling over the roar of the crowd and the music.
“Have fun,” I yelled back, giving double thumbs up. My heart sank into my stomach as the crowd swallowed her.
“Is this seat taken?” a voice asked close to my ear, causing me to jump.
“Max!” I grinned, relieved to see a familiar face.
“Want to dance?” He gestured toward the dance floor.
I accepted his hand. He twined his fingers through mine. The smoothness of his skin surprised me. I was used to the calluses on Josh's hands from his years of playing sports. Doubt and guilt licked along the perimeter of my emotions. Holding Max's hand made me feel like a horrible person.
Still I joined him in the frenzied mosh pit-like atmosphere, doing my best to shove the negative thoughts aside. Max kept his hand firmly in mine so we didn't lose each other in the wild jumping, flailing beast that surrounded us. Looking around in the dimly lit room, it was hard to tell where one person ended and another began.
I was laughing from the sheer exhilaration of being on the dance floor and was out of breath by the time the music ended. My dark mood had lifted, and blood hummed happily through my veins. Max looked down at me and then swooped me up into a hug. I froze. When he released me, the guilt thundered in my ears so loudly that I thought I might pass out.
“Iâ¦thisâ¦um⦔ I stammered, looking up at Max.
For a moment, confusion flickered across his features, but then he smiled and leaned close to me. “It's not like that, Hannah,” he said. “Come on, I have someone I'd like you to meet.”
Now I just felt stupid and embarrassed. Of course, he had a girlfriend. He was just taking pity on me. And he didn't even know why. A bitter laugh escaped my lips, but Max didn't hear it because of the noise around us.
He put an arm around me as we neared a bank of tables near the back of the bar. “Hannah, I'd like you to meet my fiancée, Luisa.”
“Oh!” I said, my eyes widening. “It's nice to meet you.”
“So you are the girl who will be monopolizing all my boyfriend's time for the next four months,” Luisa said, a slight European accent coloring her words. Not French. Maybe Italian? “You're lucky I'm not the jealous type.”
I laughed and slid into a chair beside her. I liked her wide-open smile. “Don't worry, I have a boy⦔ I trailed off. My laughter fled.
Luisa arched an eyebrow at me. “You have a boy. I hear a
but
.”
I felt my lips twist into a wry smile. “It's complicated. We're on a break.”
“I won't pry,” Luisa said, patting my hand.
Max sat down in a chair between the two of us. “She'll pry, don't worry. Just give her five minutes to get to know you. She'll have your life story before you know it.”
Luisa shook her head but smiled affectionately at Max. “Don't listen to him. I'm harmless. I'm going to get another margarita, can I get you anything?”
“No, thanks, not drinking tonight,” I said.
Max nodded. “Usual.”
“She's sweet,” I said.
“Ain't it the truth?” Max said, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. “So tell me about your complicated love life.”
I laughed. “Too much to tell. And you said Luisa was dangerous.”
Max reached over and grabbed my hand. “Oh, come on,” he said, laughing. “Just remember my grade relies on you being a functional member of society.”
“Right,” I said. “I think you just like gossip. Maybe someday I'll tell you. But for now I need to find my friends. They don't know where I am.”
Max dropped a kiss on my cheek before I walked away, and the brotherliness of it made me feel better. I scanned the crowd in an attempt to locate Angela or Renee. My eyes ached as they tried to adjust to the constantly changing light. As I turned toward the bar, I ran right into someone. Strong hands steadied me, their familiar roughness tickling the delicate skin on my forearms.
Josh's jaw clenched. I could see the little vein on the side of his neck pulsing. He dipped his head low, so that his lips grazed my ear. “Nice to see you've found a replacement already.”
Irritation and anger flew through me. I gave Josh a hard shove in his chest. “That's my friend Max,” I shouted. “He's here with his fiancée.”
I could see Josh trying to decide if he believed me. “Dance with me,” he said.
Taking my hand, he led me through the sweaty, pulsing crowd to the middle of the dance floor. The DJ started a song with a heavy techno beat. Strobe lights began to flash. Josh's face looked edgy in the flickering lights. We began to move with the beat. In that moment, I remembered how well we fit together.
Josh slid his hands down my back, resting on my hips, drawing me closer. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pressed my body against the long, lean length of his. My blood started to hum through my veins, and I could feel the flush of heat spreading through my abdomen. Our eyes met in the dim light, and the next second Josh's lips were on mine.
I tangled my fingers through his hair, pulling him deeper into the kiss. Everything about his touch and taste felt new and exciting, and yet completely familiar. He broke the kiss with a strangled sound, and let his kiss drift to my jaw, then down my neck.
Just as Josh's fingers slipped under the hem of my tank top, brushing along the skin of my belly, the lights changed, getting brighter. The change jolted me from my lust-filled haze. I realized that people were watching Josh and I make out on the dance floor and embarrassment replaced desire.
I jerked away, tears filling my eyes. I was such a weepy mess lately. I sure was glad that test came back negative or I would be worried. “What are you doing?”
Confusion twisted Josh's features. “I was just⦔
“You were just what?” I demanded. “This is exactly why we broke up. And here we are again. You said you'd give me space.”
Josh stepped closer. “I am giving you space. I didn't expect to see you tonight. Especially not dressed like that.”
That comment distracted me out of my tears. I glanced down at the outfit Renee had chosen for me. “Like what?” I asked.
“Hannah, come on, you look hot, and you know it,” Josh said, and ran a hand through his hair. “Look, it was just a kiss. I wasn't going to jump you and drag you back to my bed.”
“You just don't get it, Josh,” I said, digging down deep to keep my resolve. “This isn't a joke for me.”
My eyes darted toward Max. Would it be better for Josh to believe I was seeing him? Easier somehow? Luisa wasn't back at the table yet.
“He's engaged, huh?” Josh bit out, his eyes never leaving mine.
I didn't say anything. I couldn't bring myself to lie to him. I knew enough about myself to know that I wasn't a liar and didn't intend to become one.
Josh face grew stony. Apparently my silence was enough for him. “Grow up, Hannah. You aren't the only one in this. Stop messing with me.”
“I⦔
Josh waved his hand dismissively before I could finish.
“I don't know what's going on and I'm not sure I want to,” he said. “But when you figure
things
out, then we can talk.”
I watched him walk across the dance floor, waving off a friend who tried to talk to him. Confusion warred in me. I had tried to tell him that this whole break had nothing to do with him, but obviously that was a lie. He was one-half of the problem, while we were sleeping together, at least. But I knew deep inside that sleeping with him wasn't the whole issue. It was certainly what made me realize there was something wrong, but now I wondered how far the problems had embedded themselves before I had the sense to recognize them.
And I wasn't ready to look inside myself just yet for the answers.