Losers occasionally ended up with people
above their worth. Pretty successful girls with ugly lame guys.
Overweight dumb girls with the athletic winners. If a connection
happened, the loser’s flaws might be ignored. Bailey felt something
for me, so I hoped she might overlook the scars and intimacy
issues. If she could see only the good parts, I might win her
heart.
Unable to sleep, I carefully slid out of bed
to ensure I didn’t wake Bailey. Her snoring never paused as I left
the bedroom. Feeling dirty, what I really wanted was a shower.
Since this was out of the question with Bailey sleeping, I cleaned
her kitchen. First I washed the few dishes in the sink. Then I
wiped down the counter and the cabinets. The place wasn’t really
dirty, but I needed to create order where in my mind was a ruined
mess.
Drying the dishes, I heard the front door
open. I prayed Cooper wasn’t visiting because I wasn’t in the mood
for more dick measuring. Instead, a curly haired blonde appeared in
the kitchen with a lit cigarette dangling from one hand and a
Tupperware container from the other. Her blue eyes sized me up
quickly then she nodded and placed the container on the
counter.
“
You’re Nick.”
“
I came over to check on
Bailey.”
“
How’s my baby doing?” she
asked, glancing towards the bedroom.
“
Stuffed up, but
sleeping.”
Jodi nodded then sized me up again. “You
have mama issues, don’t you, Nick?”
“
Should I
leave?”
Staring directly into my eyes, she asked,
“Do you want to leave?”
Even with her unflinching gaze and my urge
for distance from the judgments she must be making about me, I
shook my head.
“
Then why should you
leave?”
I shrugged as she took a drag on her
cigarette.
“
Bailey needs a good man.
Not only because I want my baby to be happy, but because a bad man
would hurt her and end up in a shallow grave. I don’t want a dead
son-in-law, so only a good man will do for Bailey.”
“
Was that a
threat?”
“
Only if you’re a bad
man.”
“
I don’t think I’m bad. I’m
not necessarily good though.”
Jodi smirked. “Nick, you’re a fucking Boy
Scout next to the men I know and love.”
“
And that’s a good thing,
right? You know, so you don’t end up with a dead
son-in-law.”
“
Exactly. I like how you
defended Bailey at that party last year. Just because I want
someone nice don’t mean I want a coward.”
When I said nothing, Jodi squinted at me.
“Bailey told me about your parents. Losers who did a shit job. No
wonder you look at me like that.”
“
She told you my parents
were losers?”
“
No, she told me your mom
was a druggie who ditched you. Your dad wasn’t a winner either. I
put the loser stamp on them myself. Am I wrong?”
I shook my head.
“
When Bailey is feeling
better, you two should come to the house for dinner. Let Kirk get
to know you. He’ll growl and glare. The whole mean daddy routine,
but he’s glad you’re not a punk ass loser from a frat house or that
stupid deputy. I swear Bailey has the worst taste,” Jodi said,
dropping her cigarette in the sink and running water over it. “I
always worried she’d marry some pothead who wrote poetry. Or a mean
fucker Kirk would make disappear. I like this turn of events with
you. Kirk will like them too when he’s done giving you
shit.”
I smiled tightly. “I just want Bailey to be
happy.”
“
Don’t you care about being
happy too?”
“
Sure.”
“
Yeah, I can tell you had a
shitty mom. It happens. Mine was a bitch too.”
I finally smiled for real and Jodi returned
it.
“
You’ll probably get sick
from being around her,” she warned.
“
I grew up in so much filth
that I’m immune to most germs.”
“
There’s always an upside
to everything. I never get sick either, but my kids are weak
because I raised them well.”
When we smiled, her expression relaxed me
and I realized she shared her daughter’s smile. I loved when Bailey
grinned. When she laughed, the world was magic.
I spent my life avoiding embarrassment. When
I tripped or spilled something, I tended to throw a fit as a way to
distract from my original mistake. Lark pointed out how I was
actually drawing attention to my dorkiness by reacting like a
child. Since her loving lecture, I’d been teaching myself to handle
the initial embarrassing moments with more class.
Waking up covered in drool and snot was more
than embarrassing. I flew into a panic mode and nearly toppled off
the bed. Noticing Nick was missing, I assumed he got one look at my
nastiness and made a run for it.
Instead, I heard him in the living room with
Mom. After hurrying to the bathroom to wash away the nasty, I
joined them. Nick sat on one end of the couch while Mom sat at the
other. She was telling him about Sawyer’s curls and how I’d gotten
lucky by getting Pop’s straight hair.
“
Just warning you that you
might have curly haired kids,” she finished then smiled at me. “How
you feeling, baby?”
“
Awkward.”
Nick grinned at me, but he seemed relaxed.
My mom had worn down his efforts to keep her at bay like I knew she
would eventually. She was the same way with Farah. Pushing and
nagging until Farah opened up and lost her walls.
“
I brought you soup,” Mom
said, walking to me and checking my face. “No fever. Wanna
eat?”
Glancing past her to Nick, I mumbled. “In a
little bit.”
“
Since Nick wants to take
care of you, I’ll leave for a while. I’ll be back after dinner to
bring you leftovers.”
Forgetting my embarrassment, I smiled at
Nick. “We have great leftovers.”
Nick returned my smile with an easy one of
his own. As soon as Mom was out the door, he popped up from the
couch and erased the space between us. I opened my mouth to protest
his impending kiss, but Nick shut me up.
His lips sucked hungrily on mine until I
started laughing. Nick pulled back and frowned. Once he realized I
wasn’t laughing at him, he kissed me again.
Somehow, we moved to the couch without me
falling down. I wasn’t the most coordinated chick, but Nick held me
just right and I let him lead.
“
You really are going to
get sick,” I mumbled when he let me breathe.
Jumping up, he hurried to the kitchen to get
me a cup of fresh coffee. When he returned, Nick smiled brightly.
“I better stop kissing you or you’ll suffocate.”
“
Did my mom talk your ear
off?”
“
She’s like a shorter
version of you.”
“
So yes then?”
Nick sat next to me and grinned. “I know
you’re sick and that’s not cool, but I’m glad I came over.”
“
Me too. Will you
stay?”
Nick glanced back at the door then focused
on me. “I didn’t think to bring extra clothes. When I told Jodi
that, she said she had sweats and shirts I could wear. They might
even fit and I know I’ll like wearing baggy shirts again.”
I reached out and caressed his chest. “These
don’t really fit you.”
“
I’m cheap when it comes to
buying clothes.”
“
Maybe we can go shopping.
I love buying stuff, but don’t need anything new.”
“
I don’t need you to buy me
clothes.”
Hearing edginess to his tone, I sniffled
then coughed hard and long. By the time I stopped playing up the
sick act, Nick looked concerned.
“
Please, let me buy you
clothes. It’ll be fun and give me something to look forward
to.”
Nick nodded, but his eyes revealed how he
was onto me. I grinned then snuggled closer.
“
Do I look gross?” I asked,
batting my lashes for him. “Am I disgusting?”
“
You look beautiful and you
know it too.”
“
I’m insecure.”
“
Based on what?”
“
Based on the crazy in my
head.”
“
But you know you’re crazy
which means you can’t really be crazy. People who are really crazy
think they’re sane because the insanity makes sense to them. It’s
the rest of us that seem nuts.”
“
How do you
know?”
“
I had a neighbor with
mental issues. I don’t know what exactly, but he often talked to me
about how he saw the world. What sounded like madness to me made
perfect sense to him,” he said, nuzzling my hair with his lips.
“You seek out acceptance even when you have it. I’m not sure why,
but you’re not crazy.”
“
I worry I’ll lose what I
want.”
“
Why?”
“
I don’t know.”
“
Did you lose something
important before?”
“
No.”
“
Did you get more attention
after Sawyer was born if you acted insecure?”
I squinted at him. “You think I’m faking
it?”
“
I think we get into habits
and never know it. I don’t like people touching me,” he said,
avoiding my gaze. “I never realized that until you. I wanted you
for a long time then I was bothered to have you touch me. We have
habits without knowing it until they slap us in the
face.”
“
So I can just stop being
insecure?”
“
You trained yourself to
feel insecure. Train yourself to feel otherwise.”
“
How?”
“
I don’t know. I guess when
you feel insecure, ask yourself why? Like when you believe I don’t
think you’re beautiful, ask yourself why I wouldn’t? Ask if your
feeling is based on anything? Would I really kiss all over you when
you’re sick if I didn’t think you were beautiful? If that answer is
no, then shove aside the insecurity and accept you’re
beautiful.”
I bit my lip and thought about my next
words. “Can you learn to like being touched?”
Nick hesitated before looking at me. “I’ll
try for you.”
I drank half of the coffee then wondered
about my breath. Catching myself getting insecure, I remembered
Nick was drinking coffee too. When the feeling eased away, I
grinned.
“
I used that trick you
suggested when I felt insecure about kissing you.”
Nick didn’t answer, instead pressing his
lips against mine. I placed my hands on his chest and hoped he
worked through his bad habit too. Instead, he jerked his body away
even while his lips remained on mine.
Nick wanted me. I knew he did, so I didn’t
let his reaction to my touch set off any negative feelings. He just
had a bad habit and I needed to help him.
“
I know I’m all funky with
my stuffed nose, but I want to play around.”
“
Play around?” he asked,
immediately wary.
“
You don’t like people
touching you, so I want you to touch me.”
Frowning, Nick started thinking reasons to
say no until I took off my shirt and he noticed I wasn’t wearing a
bra.
“
Be gentle,” I said,
nervous even though I knew they looked great. “The new ones haven’t
had a guy touch them before. You’re their first.”
Still ready to back off, Nick refused to
look at my bare chest.
“
How were you with all
those other girls if you don’t like being touched?” I asked, taking
his hand in mine and caressing it.
“
It was always crappy sex
at parties or in cars. Nothing real.”
“
Do you like my new boobs?”
I asked as his hands remained limp against them. “I’m curious if
the nipples will be as sensitive after the surgery. Wanna help me
find out?”
Nick gave me a pained expression. “I can’t
do what you want.”
“
I just want you to touch
me,” I whispered, caressing his hands. “Touch me and make me feel
good. I won’t expect anything more than for you to serve me as my
sex slave.”
Nick finally smiled. “I wouldn’t mind
exploring everything Bailey Fucking Johansson has to offer.”
“
You can stay dressed while
I get my sickie self naked.”
“
Wouldn’t you rather wait
until you feel better?”
“
I thought of you when I
got my new boobs,” I murmured. “I wanted you to be the first to
touch them. No one else.”
Nick’s expression shifted into one of
possession. I’d never seen him look so primal and my body responded
with more need.
“
Another guy would be
better for you,” he said in a hard voice. “He could give you what I
can’t, but I don’t care. I see you and know you belong with me.
I’ve always known. I think you’ve known too.”
“
Yes,” I whispered, no
longer teasing. “No one else makes me feel like you do.”
“
Because you’re
mine.”
Nick’s battered hands slid over my breasts
and squeezed gently. Heat rushed straight between my legs, causing
me to squirm. My already hard nipples thickened between his teasing
fingers.
His gaze met mine and I saw something beyond
lust. Fear maybe.
“
I can’t fuck you,” he
whispered roughly. “Not tonight. Not in the way you
want.”
My heart hurt at his distance. I wanted our
feelings to overcome whatever childhood pains he suffered. Knowing
love didn’t magically fix anything, I forced my feelings aside.