Damaged But Not Broken (New Adult Rockers) (15 page)

My heels click down the dimly lit
hallway and I yelp with surprise as warm arms grab me.

“Shit. I’m sorry. That was stupid
of me,” Blake murmurs.

“Blake!” I say, too happily.

The house manager gives us a polite
smile. “Three minutes,” he says before disappearing.

“I just had to wish you good luck.
I’ve missed you like crazy,” he says, pulling me into his arms.

I push him away, though I don’t
want to. “Blake, we can’t,” I remind him.

His eyes are guarded. “Maybe we
can,” he challenges.

“Please don’t tell me you’re still
thinking of leaving Savannah.” Even though that’s exactly what I want. And I hate
myself for feeling that way.

“I am thinking of it, and I want us
to talk more about it.”

“Blake! I can’t talk about this
now, or even think about it. I need to be onstage in two minutes.”

I pull my hands out of his, and
straighten my shoulders. “Thank you for wishing me good luck,” I say stiffly.
“Same to you.”

“Come on, Paige,” he says, a boyish
grin on his face. “Don’t be that way.”

I roll my eyes, dropping my stiff
demeanor. “You’re impossible,” I say, shaking my head and patting his arm.

I hear him groan behind me, but
I’ve already continued down the hallway, my guitar in hand.

Two minutes later I’m out on stage,
and all my thoughts of Blake melt away as I focus on only my music. Of course,
not
all
thoughts drift away, because half of my songs are about Blake
one way or the other. Not directly and obviously about him, but I
know
that they are. I write about what I know and feel, and I only know one kind of
love and the rest is hurt, so that’s what I sing about.

I’ve been working on a new song
about the guilt of love, and it’s really coming along, but I’m afraid to debut
it, especially if Savannah happens to be in the audience. I might as well put
an even bigger target on my back.

I finish my set to cheers, clapping
and whistling. I can't help but grin like an idiot, and I wave goodbye to the
crowd and blow them a kiss. I pass Rust as they’re coming on stage and Ben and Ryan
both smile at my slyly. I’m no fool – I know they both are trying to get into
my pants, but it’s Blake that I really look at. His eyes are smoldering and I
feel my body burning under his gaze. He looks so fucking hot tonight.

Damn him.

I hurry to put my things away and
creep out into the back of the house so I can watch from the bar. Blake sure
knows how to sing, and I see the girls in the audience go wild as Blake pours
his heart out, his eyes big and soulful. I can’t help feeling myself warm up as
I watch him, and I feel desire take over my body until my need for Blake is
almost more than I can handle.

Rust finishes their set and I know
I have to get out of the club before my crazy hormones take over and have me
doing something that I’ll regret. Just as I’m about to sneak out, I feel a
familiar hand on my shoulder.

“Not so fast,” Blake says in his
sexy voice.

“You were great Blake, like always,
but I really need to go,” I plead. I feel like Cinderella trying to escape the
ball before midnight. But I’m not going to turn into a pumpkin; I’m going to
burst from sexual frustration.

“Please let’s talk. I’ll walk out
with you and we can talk in the car. It’s more private anyway.”

I’m not so sure that being alone in
an enclosed space with Blake is the best choice right now, but I know we need
to talk so I reluctantly agree. We head out to my car, and chivalrous as
always, Blake puts my guitar in the back and holds the driver’s side door open
for me.

“Thank you,” I say, climbing in. He
climbs into the passenger side and pulls the door shut.

He looks at me again with that
burning gaze of his and drags his hand through his hair.

“Christ, I want to kiss you, but I
know I can’t,” he starts.

“That’s right, you can’t,” I say
firmly.

Blake nods.

“Have you thought any more about
what I said about me leaving Savannah?”

I take a deep breath. “You leaving
Savannah has nothing to do with me. They are two separate things. You leaving
Savannah shouldn’t be tied to me.”

“But it is,” he says angrily, “and
I know it shouldn’t be. But I want to leave her so I can be with
you.
”

It’s everything I want to hear, but
it feels so wrong. Yet, I can’t deny what Blake and I have.

“I want that, Blake, I really do. I
would love nothing more than to be with you. But it feels so wrong. You and
Savannah have a history. She’s your fiancé. I think you and I need some
distance while you try to sort out your feelings. Would you want to leave
Savannah if I hadn’t come back to Nashville?”

“I don’t know,” he says honestly,
“I’d like to think that I would have eventually gotten fed up with her antics.”

I nod, having assumed that.

“Well, I think we should just lay
low for a bit,” I say, not really sure what else to say.

“But we haven’t spoken all week!”
he says with frustration, “and we go on tour in less than two weeks. We’re
going to be together all the time.”

I swallow hard and nod because I
want to see Blake all the time, but I worry about what that will mean.

“I think we should say good night,”
I say softly.

Blake doesn’t move at first, and
then pushes the car door open and jumps out. I think he’s going to slam the
door and walk away, but instead he pops his head back in.

“I love you, okay?” he says, his
voice ragged with emotion. “I love you, Paige! I know it’s wrong, I know that
I’m supposed to marry Savannah, and I know you’ve been through hell and you’re
probably terrified.”

Before I can even speak, he
continues. “But if I don’t tell you now, then when? You need to know and I’ll
never forgive myself if I don’t let you know how I feel.”

I want to throw my arms around him
and profess my love for him, but instead my eyes well up. Blake stares at me
for a long moment, and I see love, guilt and sadness cross his face. Then he
brushes at a single tear on my cheek and walks back into the club.

THIRTEEN

Paige

I Love You Still

The following days are fraught with
guilt, confusion and heart-bursting happiness. I want nothing more than to be
with Blake, but I’m feeling awful about the possibility of Blake ending things
with Savannah. Even though I don’t care for Savannah in the least, I sure don’t
wish that kind of misery on another person. And I’m afraid of what will happen
if Blake does end things with Savannah, and she learns that it's because Blake
wants to be with me.

I hope Blake has been doing as much
thinking as I have. I can’t deny that I don’t love Blake, too. Because, I’ve
loved Blake since I was twelve years old. He is the only person I’ve ever
really trusted, and I’ve learned that my high school feelings of love have
grown into something deeper and more real than I could ever have imagined.

I feel safe with Blake, and he
knows
me. He knows who I was before what happened to me, and he recognizes how I’m
different now because of what happened to me but he still cares about me.

I’m still thinking about Blake as I
make my way into the main kitchen for dinner with my daddy. He called earlier
to say that he would be home tonight, and he offered to bring home take out
from one of my favorite restaurants near his office.

The kitchen is exceptionally clean,
and I forgot that today was the day the housekeeper came by. I pull out some
plates, utensils and napkins and go about setting the table. I set out a Fresca
for my dad and a Coke for me. Just as I finish setting everything out, I hear
my dad coming in the door.

“Hey Paige,” he calls, nearly
stumbling under the weight of the take out bags.

“Goodness, Daddy! What did you do?
Order every dish?”

“Well, I knew you had a lot of
favorites, and I couldn’t decide, so I ordered a bunch.”

“We’ll never eat all this food!”

“No big deal. I’ll take some in for
lunch.”

I laugh and shake my head. My dad
is trying hard, and moments like this make me almost forget about his drinking,
and what happened when I was fifteen. I study my dad and wrestle with my
complicated emotions; the love that I feel for him, and the awe at getting to
really know my father.

But I can’t ignore the other
feelings too. The anger, blame and resentment are there too and I fight to push
them aside. It’s hard to look at my dad and care for him while still harboring
hateful anger.

“So, I guess you’re pretty excited
about touring with Blake,” my dad says carefully as we dig into the food.

“Yes,” I say just as carefully. “I
don’t think his fiancé is too pleased though.”

My dad shakes his head. “Yeah,
that’s one girl who is hard to tame. I don’t really get what Blake sees in her,
besides the obvious.”

I cock my head to the side; I’m not
sure if I want my dad to state the obvious. I quickly wave my hand as if to say
that I don’t want to talk about it.

“Well, I can’t worry about her,” I
say, trying to convince myself.

“That’s right honey, you can’t. You
and Blake have both earned this.”

“I hope so. I hope you haven’t
given me this tour just because you’re trying to help me.”

My dad puts his fork down to look
at me. “Paige, sweetie, we’ve been through this. You are supremely talented and
you earned this. Your career is on the fast track, and I’m going to make it
happen.” He swallows, as if overcome by emotion. “It’s the least I can do,” he
says, looking down.

Daddy has been trying to make
things up to me ever since I left Nashville.

He chuckles, trying to lighten the
mood. “I just hope things don’t take off
too
quickly because I don’t
want you leaving home after I just got you back.”

I smile as we continue eating. It’s
nice to know that my Daddy is happy to have me back, even though I’m still
unsure if moving to Nashville was the right decision. I wish I could just let
go of the past completely, but I’ve come to the realization that what happened
to me will forever be a part of who I am.

And then it dawns on me in the
middle of my meal with my daddy, that I can’t stop running from Blake. It’s as
if fate has thrown us together, and I can’t keep running from what seems like
the inevitable.

Until I was fifteen, my life seemed
to be in sync with Blake and it seemed sure as the sun that we would end up
together. But life threw us both a curveball. I don’t want to go as far as to
say that everything happens for a reason, because if I could do it all over, I
sure as hell wouldn’t go through that horrific nightmare again, but maybe Blake
and I wouldn’t have ended up together. Maybe we had to have all those years
apart to teach us that we really were meant to be.

And if we keep finding ways to
spend time together, and we somehow both ended up making music and going on the
same tour, then maybe we really are meant for one another. Blake is a smart
man, and I have to trust that he would not end an engagement without a really
damn good reason. That damn good reason being me. And if there’s anything I want
more in the world, more than my music, it’s Blake.

I feel terrible about kissing
Blake, and I vow that nothing else will happen between us unless Blake and
Savannah really are over. And even then, it’s probably best that we have a
little time apart so Blake can adjust. I’ve never been good at relationships,
and I’m jumpy just thinking about it, but I know that Blake understands me.

And once I’ve come to this
realization, I suddenly feel lighter. I want to call Blake this very instant,
but it’s dinnertime and the last thing I should do is cause more trouble for
him by calling when Savannah is home. I force myself to hold my call until the
morning.

It’s a night with little sleep, and
I’m lying wide-awake in my bed the next morning wondering when is a safe time
to call. I go practically nuts, but I manage to wait until ten o’clock.

Blake answers on the first ring.

“Paige!”

“Hey Blake. Look, I know it's kind
of last minute, but I was wondering if we could get together to talk today.
I’ve been thinking a lot.”

He pauses and I know he’s wondering
what I’ve been thinking about.

“Sure, that would be great. I’ve
made plans to work on some music with the guys though.” He sounds like he might
cancel his plans, but I know he needs to work because we’ve got the tour.

“Don’t change anything! This won’t
take long. Maybe you could swing by real quick before or after.”

“Sure. Ben and Ryan will be here at
one. Would it be too early if I come by in an hour?”

“Nope, not at all.” I pause. “And
Blake?”

“Yeah?”

“Don't plan on taking off your
clothes. We’re not even going near the pool.”

He laughs on the other end and it
makes my heart leap with happiness.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

We hang up and I go about picking
up my room and getting dressed. I decide that Blake and I can talk in the main
living room, because it’s bright and open and far away from the pool or
bedroom. Less temptation.

When Blake shows up an hour later,
it’s like being parched and drinking a cool glass of water. I didn’t realize
how much I truly missed him until I see him. It’s that feeling of being empty
when you don’t even realize it until you’ve been filled again.

“Hi,” he says huskily, moving to
hug me but stopping short. It’s probably best.

“Hi.”

I lead him into the living room,
feeling strangely formal.

“Do you want something to drink?” I
ask, forgetting to have set out drinks.

“Nah, I’m fine.” He sits down and
looks at me.