Authors: Alice Dee
She stopped what she was doing and let him rest his hands on her hips, running his nose over her skin. She smelled sweet to him and his breath felt like paradise on her. She was dying to kiss him. She unlocked her door and pushed it open, Dominic’s body closely following hers inside. Her living room was furnished like a bedroom and was glowing deep fuchsia from a lamp near her bed. His hands still on her waist, Hope faced Dominic and raised her hand to his head and ran it through his hair. It was softer than cotton, like it looked. His eyes closed at the feel of her hand gliding through his hair. There was no sound but the jingles from gold rings around her wrists.
His senses intensified the closer she got to him, till he could again smell the mango oil in her hair, her mildly perfumed skin. She brought her hand down to the side of his face, feeling with her plumped finger tips the rough picks of hair poking through his skin. He put his hand over hers and opened his eyes. It was then he realized her head was softly pressed against his chest.
“I can’t stay,” he whispered. He wanted to but he wasn’t ready to make this move. He felt like a bitch but it was for the best.
“I have to work in a couple hours-“
“It’s okay,” she said, peeling herself off of him. She smiled at him and reached for the doorknob behind him. “Good night,” she said in a creamy tone.
He licked his lips and wanly smiled back. He wouldn’t walk away so she slowly closed the door on both their smiles and stares on each other.
On a completely natural stratosphere high, she went to her bed and rummaged through her purse for a joint she had in a compact. She lay back and further elevated herself, replaying these moments over and over. The way his breath felt on her neck… no doubt it was just a matter of time till… Hope smiled at nothing. Right now she absolutely loved being alive and suddenly everything wrong in her life didn’t seem so bad anymore.
He went home half hating himself, lying in bed wondering why he felt this way. Yeah, and what is cheating and what isn’t? Is cheating tuning yourself into someone else’s channel? Is it playfully flirting and making eyes and smiles with strange? Is there such thing as emotional cheating? Is just going there in your mind as deceptive as going there in flesh?
Dominic thought of a time in California when he saw Tristan flirting with a guy at a party. He didn’t like that she laughed at things he said, that she found him funny, that she seemed to like to be around him. Dominic couldn’t stomach the thought of Tristan sleeping with another guy, or even kissing one. Even worse, the same applied to Hope. He already liked Hope more than he liked Tristan when they started dating.
He told himself he loved Tristan. How could he allow himself to feel what he felt for Hope? Tristan would be crushed. She acted like she didn’t need him but deep down Tristan needed him, didn’t she? Besides that, it was a gamble. Tristan was a wild one in and out of the bedroom and Hope was so…serious.
Dominic folded one arm under his head and stared up at the ceiling. If he really cared about Tristan he would have to forget about Hope. He remembered the first time he cheated on a girl when he was in high school. He was guilt stricken at first but found out the first cut is the deepest. The more he did it, the easier it got. He really was convinced it had everything to do with youth, being a guy, being a human being. But now his inner conscience recognized there was a lot on the line and it wouldn’t be fair to Tristan and it wouldn’t be fair to Hope.
18… Not telling
Tristan nibbled on her nails, watching Dominic eat his food. She wondered if she should tell him now or wait. Charla’s advice was to of course, wait it out because Tristan had yet to come to a decision concerning the baby. She had been to the OB GYN and was ten weeks along. She knew she had limited time if she was to go through with an abortion. Once that window of time closed, she’d have no choice but to give birth and raise a baby.
“I’m surprised you’re not with your parents,” he said, not looking up from his plate.
Tristan was expressionless, staring across the counter at the white square tiles, chin in hand.
“Tris, hello?” Dominic waved his hand. “Lights are on but no one’s home.”
“Hmmm?” She looked at him now but still had that preoccupied look in her eyes. “Oh, yeah. They went to see some friends.”
“What do you want to do today?”
“Uh, I don’t know.” She looked down at her hands. “Whatever you want.”
“What I want?” He looked at his watch. It was barely 10:30 A.M. He thought of Hope briefly, knowing she was most likely sleeping. He didn’t want to think about her but he was finding it impossible not to. Inviting him inside her apartment was the conformation he needed to know for sure that she felt the same way he was feeling. This situation was sitting heavy on his shoulders. He was on the fence about it still, thinking that maybe if he and Tristan could progress in their relationship, he would forget Hope. He wanted to forget about her but he wanted Tristan to make him forget. All she had to do was be the girl she was before.
“Well, we could go see a show.”
“Okay,” she said, her chin back in her hand, staring through the sunny kitchen window.
Dominic drove Tristan to the Rio where there was a show. Tristan was into that stuff while Dominic was not. He bought tickets, came back, picked her up, took her the Rio where they had to loiter around till one when the show would start. Dominic didn’t know whether it was his own guilt or if Tristan really was being strange. She excused herself to the restroom so Dominic sat down on a bench to wait for her.
Tristan threw up. Her stomach hurt since breakfast and the only way to rid herself of this stomach discomfort was to induce vomiting. Already she hated pregnancy. She wiped her mouth with tissue and walked out of the stall. The thought of food put her off but she knew she had to eat something because she was feeling very weak. When she made her way toward Dominic who was gazing at a live mini circus, she put a hand over her stomach and cursed him. He was his usual self, no cares in the world while she was sick to her stomach. She just wanted this “thing” out of her.
“Why didn’t you eat something?” he asked when she started nibbling on crackers that were in her purse.
“I’m not really hungry, just snacking.”
“This isn’t one of your diet things, is it?”
He took a moment from looking at the performance to look her in the eye.
“What, so I’m fat now?”
“Isn’t that what you all say?”
The realization that her body would change hit her like a smack across the face. She pictured her breasts sagging to her stomach and stretch marks galore, tree trunk legs and flapping arms. She told herself she had to get an abortion, there was no other way. Her self-confidence had plummeted ever since she got with Dominic; imagine how it would be after the baby? It would be non-existent. Tristan cringed at the thought.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You look a little under the weather.”
Tristan nodded.
“I’m fine.”
He noticed she was wearing no makeup, her hair was loose, she was in jeans and a cream colored zip up sweater. She was actually covered up and looked tired and a little sick. Dominic’s guilt started to pool in his stomach. No matter what she said or did, she didn’t deserve to be cheated on. Dominic roughly pulled her in close to him, his heavy arm around her shoulder. He kissed the top of her head and told her he was glad she was with him, that they were spending time together. He told her he loved her.
Tristan rolled her eyes as they walked through the lobby to the escalator. She felt too sick to be there but if she made a deal out of it, he would make an even bigger deal. She didn’t pretend to want to be there. She just sucked it up and let her features droop. She denied anything was wrong every time Dominic asked so finally he stopped asking. They watched the show, went out to eat though she only picked her food, and went back to his place. Tristan curled up the couch and fell asleep with her feet in his lap.
19… It begins
One cloudy Thursday night the boys headed out to the Lucky Star. It was their new hangout now, particularly because Justin was so enamored with Shamayla. Every weekend he went to Lounge 101 to watch her dance and then they’d have a drink and go back to his place. Usually it was the usuals; Justin, Shane, Jess and Roberto. Dominic usually stayed home or was with Tristan because hitting the strip so often got tiring real fast. But Tristan was getting stranger by the day, more distant and aloof.
The boys always invited Dominic but usually he stayed behind. This night he agreed to go because Tristan wasn’t feeling well and besides, it had been almost two weeks since he saw Hope. He wasn’t sure if they were trying to avoid one another or not. Well no, he thought, he wasn’t trying to avoid her. But he hadn’t seen her around at all and hoped she didn’t regret what almost happened.
He had a strange feeling this night, an apprehension at just the thought of going to Lounge101 because there was a nintey-nine percent chance he would see her. He wanted to see her but he still felt funny appearing there, especially if for some reason she didn’t want to see him. He tried backing out last minute but Justin intervened. He told Dominic that Shane would be going, and also that Shane had a thing for Hope. Dominic laughed and said “So? Hope isn’t my girl.” But Justin gave him a look like Dominic was fooling no one.
While Hope painted her face with liquid gold and charcoal like true Egyptian royalty, Shamayla informed her that Dominic was going to be showing up with the gang. Hope’s features were intense like the sun; she made a face at Shamayla like she was confused. She didn’t lie and say she wasn’t attracted to Dominic, but that Dominic wasn’t interested in her. Shamayla, in a black bob styled wig, sat beside her friend and looked into the mirror, charcoaling up her amber eyes.
“Don’t give me that shit.”
“What shit?” Hope repositioned her breasts so they sat higher and looked fuller.
“The only reason he’s coming is because he wants to see you.”
So why hadn’t he been around?
“I’ve seen how he looks at you.” She caught Hope’s eyes in the mirror. The other girls floated about in the background, like golden angels in the red walled room.
“But he has a girlfriend and-”
“Fuck his girlfriend. From what Justin tells me, she’s a bitch. And we saw that ourselves that night at the Flamingo. Look girl, he wants to fuck you.”
Hope thought he did but then again, she hadn’t seen or talked to him in a while and Tristan was still staying over his place.
“I can see it. I can tell just by the way he looks at you.”
Hope fit her wig over her head and adjusted it in the mirror.
“True or not, he has a girlfriend.”
“Justin says it’s just a matter of time till he dumps her. Or till she dumps him.”
Hope looked away from her reflection.
“Then I’ll wait.”
“Don’t wait…are you on crack? You really want to wait around?”
“Then I’ll move on.”
“Dominic is hot.”
Hope looked at Shamayla in the mirror.
“He’s hotter than all hell. He’s a martial artist, big and strong with like, a cute face and all. He’s not cocky, he’s got personality. What’s up with you?”
Hope’s insides tingled with warmth at those words.
“It wouldn’t be right.”
“What wouldn’t be right?”
“He’s taken.”
“So? Do you think she would care if the roles were switched? She doesn’t give a shit about you, no ho does. You gotta look out for number one, remember? You always told me that.”
“It feels wrong. Things shouldn’t start off like this.”
“So you’re just going to pass him up, for her? If she was that great he wouldn’t be trying to get at you. Forget her, she aint your problem.” Shamayla patted Hope’s shoulder.
“You only live once, Hope.”
Hope pushed out her chair and went to the full length mirror to check out her full reflection. She looked amazing to herself but slutty at the same time. She wished she didn’t have to show so much skin. Shamayla came up next to her and painted her lips red with lipstick. They both looked remarkably different, like strangers. Hope liked that she didn’t look like herself. She had this alternate face to hide behind. Shamayla went to her locker to retrieve her purse, unzipped and took a sip from a little plastic bottle of Crown Royale. She handed it to Hope.
The guys showed up around twelve, not too early and not quite too late. Dominic’s eyes scanned the darkened room for any sign of her. While other brunettes danced about on the poles or mid stage, he saw that Hope wasn’t one of them. He was disappointed thinking she had the night off. Justin insisted she would be there tonight; that’s what Shamayla said, but she wasn’t.
So he thought, until he went to the bar to get drinks. And the end of the bar was a woman lying down on it. He stopped at the bar, ordered the drinks and stared at her, lying on her back in a white two piece. Her whole midsection was bare, sheer white cloth draping her body. There were partiers rallied around her, someone poured liquid from a shot glass on her stomach. He didn’t like what he was seeing but he couldn’t help staring. Someone bowed his head and slurped the liquid off her stomach.
Hope was still smiling, getting up and wiping down her navel with napkins. When they made eye contact, she quickly hopped off the bar. Dominic turned his attention back to the bartender, glancing her way, seeing some douche in a suit approach her. Dominic held his soda to his mouth watching her in a sort of trance. Her top was short and designed to push up and cover each breast only so much. Her skirt was ankle length but the gold ribbon around her waist line only held cloth down her front and back, leaving her sides bare. He could see her bare legs from her ankles to her hips and there appeared to be nothing underneath. Shane and Justin came up to the bar. Dominic acted like he wasn’t staring at Hope and handed the guys their drinks. Shane was practically drooling at the sight of Hope, his eyes running up and down her body like a kid staring at mountain of candy.