****
After church, Celeste helped Coralee and Ben play Santa Claus for Barbara before going upstairs to the cozy third floor loft that Pearl kept made up for her visits. She was almost asleep when Coralee slipped into bed with her.
“All right, now tell me about that blue velvet dress and your dreamboat.”
“I told you everything, Sister. He’s a nice boy…man.”
“And you like him.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So did you get a Christmas card from him? Anything?”
“A card with a note. He’s coming back through next month. He promised to come to the dance again.”
“Did you tell him about Daddy?”
“I didn’t plan to, but it just sort of slipped out. I could tell he wondered why I didn’t invite him in and why I didn’t want him to walk me to the door. Coralee, did Daddy just change all of a sudden when Mamma died? I mean, I don’t have many memories before that, but it seemed like we were happy.”
Coralee didn’t say anything for a few minutes. “They separated for a while before you were born. Mamma and I went to Bronte and lived there with one of her friends.”
“How old were you?”
“I went to all of first grade there.”
“So was Mamma…expecting me in Bronte?”
“You were born after we went home.”
The realization of what her sister wasn’t saying hit Celeste like a fist in her stomach. “I’m not really Daddy’s. That’s it, isn’t it?”
Coralee rolled over and put her arms around her sister. “He was crazy about you, Cece. Passed out cigars when you were born, the whole bit.”
“Why, if I wasn’t his?”
“Maybe he thought you were, I don’t know. I mean, they got back together and you were beautiful, just like Mamma. Look at your baby pictures sometime.”
“He wanted her back, so he took me, too.”
“That’s not the way it was.”
“Then how was it?”
“He came to Bronte and begged Mamma to come home with him. The friend we were staying with really needed us out, so Mamma packed up and left with him.”
“When was that?”
“Right before school started. I threw a fit because I couldn’t go back to second grade there with all my friends.”
A chill engulfed Celeste’s body despite the two blankets and down comforter. “Who was my father?”
“Mamma went out with a lot of different men. I never knew any names.”
“Why did she and Daddy separate?”
“She was only fifteen when they married. Didn’t even finish school. I remember hearing her tell people how much she’d missed, and that she shouldn’t have married an old man.”
“Was Daddy old?”
“Thirty, I think.”
“So why wouldn’t he have been glad to be rid of me when you married, and Big Ben and Pearl offered to bring me to the ranch?”
“Big Ben said it was his way of getting back at Mamma.”
“They know? Big Ben and Pearl and Ben and everybody knows about me? Knows that I’m…”
Celeste felt her sister’s hand cover her lips. “Don’t you say that, Cece. Don’t you dare say that or even think about it anymore.”
“How can I help thinking about it?”
“I didn’t mean for you to ever know. I shouldn’t have told you.”
“So I’ve just lived with everybody knowing about me except myself?”
“It wasn’t that way, sweetie. We lived here in Sterling City then. That’s how Big Ben and Pearl knew, and maybe a few other people. Daddy got the job in San Angelo and moved us there in February, right before you were born in April.”
“I feel so dirty,” Celeste whispered. “Oh, Sister, I’m not even a real person. I told Kent about Daddy, but I can’t ever tell him about me. Not ever.”
So now I know. It all makes sense now. No wonder Daddy hates me. Only he’s not really my father. I just call him that because I always have. What would Kent think about all this? Would he care? His mother probably would. She sounds like a real prim and proper lady.
The blue velvet curtain filled her dreams. Shimmering in the soft light of the stars, it billowed and beckoned to her, and this time her feet moved toward it. When it parted suddenly, Kent stood there holding out his hand, but when she reached for it, he snatched it away. The curtain fell between them, hiding him from her sight. She tried to find her way through, but her fingers clawed a solid, unmovable wall. Exhausted, she fell to her knees, weeping and calling Kent’s name, but no sound came from beyond the curtain.
****
As Celeste moved through the end of December and into January, she felt as if she were a stranger to herself, as if the body she lived in didn’t belong to her. Coralee called almost every night for two weeks. “I don’t want to talk about it, Sister. Not now.”
“Don’t say anything to Daddy, Cece. Confronting him would just make things worse.”
“I’m not going to tell him anything.”
I never tell him anything. I don’t have anything to say that he wants to hear except “Dinner’s ready” or “Your dry cleaning came.”
“Maybe this is the time to think about getting out on your own.”
“Maybe I will.”
Where would I go? I’d have to leave my room with all my things.
“Have you heard from Kent?”
“No.”
“When is the next dance at the Roof Garden?”
“I don’t know. I’m not going anyway.”
“Cece, don’t be that way.”
“Kent would know something was wrong the minute he saw me. We were just getting acquainted, and now I don’t even know who I am.”
“You’re my baby sister, and I love you.”
“But he wouldn’t, if he knew about me.”
“Then he’s not worth your time. Real love doesn’t have anything to do with circumstances.”
“Would Ben have married you if things had been turned around?”
“He said so right out when I told him that you knew.”
“Why did you even tell me?”
“I don’t know. I wish I hadn’t. But Pearl always said you needed to know when you grew up, and maybe she was right. The point is, now you know, and you have to deal with it. Frankly, if it loosens the hold Daddy seems to have on you, it’s a good thing.”
“He doesn’t have a hold on me.”
“Look, sweetie, go to the dance. Wear the silver sandals I bought you for Christmas. Hold up your head and be the same person you’ve always been. Think about the dress and Kent. Think about all the positive things that will make you feel better.”
Celeste didn’t say that nothing could make her feel better right now. After Christmas Eve, she’d even stopped dreaming about the blue velvet curtain.
****
The January dance fell near the end of the month, about the time Celeste calculated Kent should be back in San Angelo. When Paula and Veda invited her to dress at their place again, she almost said no.
How can I look at Kent and wonder what he’d think of me? Maybe Ben wouldn’t have cared if it had been Coralee, but Kent would. He’s not like the men Mamma went out with, the ones who… How could Mamma let someone do that to her when she was already married and had Coralee? Kent said I was young and sweet, but now he might think I was like Mamma. I look like her. Maybe all those feelings I’ve been having means I’m like her in other ways, too. Kent wouldn’t want anybody like that. Never in a million years.
But when Saturday came, with hope welling up from deep inside, she got on the bus carrying the box with her blue velvet dress and the new silver sandals.
****
The Roof Garden was as beautiful as she remembered it, but Kent was nowhere in sight. When the band took a break, she wandered down to the lobby to get a soft drink.
“Hey, Miss. You in the blue dress.”
Celeste followed the sound of the voice to the desk clerk. “Are you talking to me?”
“You wearing a blue velvet dress?”
Yes, and silver slippers
, she thought unhappily,
much good they’re doing me.
“Your name Celeste?”
She nodded.
“Have a letter for you. Just saw it in the box.” He held out an envelope. “Yeah, it’s for you.”
Celeste turned the envelope over in her hands. It was addressed to the hotel, but just below the address were the words, “For Celeste, the girl in the blue velvet dress.”
Retreating to a secluded corner behind a potted palm, she tore open the letter with trembling fingers and unfolded the paper.
Dear Miss Celeste,
My route has changed, so I won’t be back in San Angelo again. I can’t complain, since it’s a promotion and more money, but I was counting on seeing you.
Like I told you, I have responsibilities yet, and I can’t even think about what I want right now, but if I could, I’d want you to be part of my dreams. Maybe someday our paths will cross again.
You take good care of yourself, and don’t stop going dancing or wearing that blue velvet dress. I’m sure somebody else will ask you to dance. A lot of somebodies. I just wish one of them could be me.
Sincerely,
Kent
Veda and Paula found her curled in the deep leather chair, weeping quietly, and got the story out of her. Though she protested she didn’t want to ruin their good time, they insisted on walking her home, where they hugged her and told her everything would be all right. She’d meet somebody else next month. At least Kent had been gentleman enough to write and explain why he didn’t show up.
Before she got into bed, she hung the dress in the back of her closet and returned the silver slippers to their box. If she hadn’t walked home in them, the soles would hardly be scuffed.
Sitting on the edge of the bed in her pajamas, she read Kent’s letter again. What had she expected from him? He’d been honest from the beginning about not being free to make a commitment. Besides, what kind of commitment did she expect him to make after they’d met only a few times?
Anyway, things have changed. I’m not who he thought I was, and no blue velvet dress and silver slippers can ever make me the same person again.
She slipped the letter under her pillow.
Maybe it’s better this way
.
I spent fifty dollars on a dress I’ll never wear again. I could’ve had three new outfits for work. Serves me right for being so silly.
She sat up, plucked the letter from beneath her pillow, and held it briefly against her cheek. Then she got up and tucked it into the box Pete had made for her in wood shop when they were in high school. Her fingers skimmed the polished lid. Another memory put away.
Is that all I’ll ever have—memories? What about a life?
She got back into bed and switched off the lamp.
All over. All her bright dreams. They were silly dreams anyway. Kent wasn’t her dream prince after all. Maybe princes didn’t exist, at least not for her.
He’d been so nice, so thoughtful the way he’d driven her home first, before Veda and Paula. She’d felt so proud sitting next to him at church the next morning. Maybe pride was the problem. Maybe only her pride was hurt.
She turned over and buried her face in the pillow, trying to quash her thoughts. She and Pete had some good times in high school, but this was different. Kent was different.
Oh, Kent, why did it turn out this way? Why couldn’t we have had just one more night, one more weekend? Then I could’ve made some excuse about why we shouldn’t see each other again or keep in touch, about why I can’t be part of your dreams.
She flopped over on her back.
Why am I such an idiot?
For the first time since before Christmas, she dreamed about the blue velvet drape billowing in an unseen wind. But this time, no one came out from behind it…and her beautiful dress hung around her in tatters.
Chapter Six
Winter dragged on through February and March, cold and wet, the dreariness of the days matching Celeste’s spirits. Her twentieth birthday fell on a Saturday in April. At Coralee’s insistence, she took the bus to Sterling City for the weekend, but she continued to refuse all invitations to return to the dances at the St. Angelus.
“Maybe you went for the wrong reason,” Veda ventured over lunch one Friday. “I mean, did you go to have a good time or to find a husband?”
Celeste tried to hide her irritation at the question. “Why do you and Paula go?”
“To have a good time, that’s all. Paula’s set on that design school in Dallas, and I’m not going to clerk at Woolworth all my life either. We’re not old maids because we’re past twenty, and neither are you. If I meet someone special there, fine, but for now, it’s a safe, clean, good time.”
“I just don’t want to go back, Veda.”
“Then I won’t nag you about it, but if you ever do, don’t be afraid to say so.”
“Sure, I’ll let you know.”
****
“I’m worried about you, Cece,” Coralee told her when Celeste came for another visit at the end of May. “You’re drooping.”
“I’m all right.”
“Honey, Kent isn’t the only man in the world, and you only saw him three or four times. You put all your eggs in one basket.”
“Is that what I did?”
“I think so.”
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
“Maybe after you’d gotten to know him better, you wouldn’t even have liked him.”
“I guess that’s possible. But he was so nice, Sister. He was nice to me.”
“You said he was a good dancer and a perfect gentleman, but you’ve dated a lot of boys like that.”
“He wasn’t a boy, Sister. He was a man.”
“Is that what you liked about him?”
“I think so. It was like the dress…different, you know?”
“And you were really attracted to him, the way a woman is attracted to a man. Do we need to have a talk?”
“You had a talk with me when I was twelve, remember?”
“Well, yes, but I only went so far. Maybe it’s time for another one.”
Celeste giggled. “I know about the birds and the bees, Sister.”
“It’s a lot more than that, sweetie. Marriage is a whole lot more than just wanting to be physically close to somebody.”
“You and Ben are really happy, aren’t you?”
“I love him more than I did when we got married ten years ago, if you can believe that. We were just kids, for heaven’s sake. Seventeen and eighteen.”
“And even then you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him.”