Authors: Samantha Garman
“How long have you been traveling?” Celia asked Kai.
“Couple of years.”
“And you’ve been in France how long?” Armand pried.
Somehow I’d acquired surrogate parents. I smiled into my wine.
“Close to two months now.”
“Plan to stick around?” Luc wondered.
Kai glared.
“I’m asking as a friend,” Luc defended. “Sage has had a rough go of it. I don’t want her hurt.”
I raised my eyebrows and looked at Kai inquisitively.
Kai took my hand and grinned. “Just try and get rid of me.”
•••
“Have time for a quick chat?” Celia asked me the following morning.
“Sure.” I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen table. Armand and Luc were running errands around town, and Kai had already left.
“I like Kai,” Celia began.
“Oh, boy. I’m sensing a
but.
”
“Not a
but
,” Celia said with a shake of her head.
“You’re worried.”
“Concerned.”
“Same thing in the eyes of a parent.”
“I’m not trying to replace Penny.”
“I know.”
“But, I’ve come to know you, Sage. And not just as my friend’s daughter. I want to look out for you.”
I smiled. “I know.”
“This thing with Kai is happening really fast.”
“It is.”
“You just lost your mother, ended things with a fiancé, and left your entire life behind. Are you ready for this?”
I tapped the rim of my mug. “I’ve felt more alive in two months with Kai than in one year with Connor.” I stood, wanting to put an end to the conversation. I respected Celia, but this was my decision to make. “I know how this looks, but you don’t know what’s between two people unless you’re one of the two. Do you know the things we say to each other late at night? Do you know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and feel like you’ve been given your life back? I do.”
“You’re angry.”
“I’m not,” I said, meaning it. “I appreciate everything you have done for me. Letting me come here, giving me your shoulder. But I love him.”
“Is he a crutch?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Probably. But my heart went to him before I could consciously give it.”
Celia stared at me for a long moment, her eyes full. “Will he hurt you?”
“No.”
“How do you know?”
I smiled. “I just do.”
•••
We were lying in bed, the clear night shining through the window when Kai said, “I was thinking…I should move in here.”
I snorted with laughter.
“What?” he demanded. “The idea of living together is
funny
?”
I laughed harder and threw a hand in the general direction of the corner. “That’s your mandolin, right? And those are your pants? When was the last time you went to your studio?”
He laughed, too. “I guess you’re right.”
“Might as well move in the rest of your things.”
“There’s not a lot.”
“Makes packing easy.”
“Can we have a party?” Kai asked.
I turned in his arms and pressed a kiss to his collarbone. “Any kind of party you want.”
His lips touched mine. It didn’t seem to matter, day or night, I wanted him. I wondered if it would ever wear off.
I hoped it wouldn’t.
“Tell me—what kind of foods will we have?”
“Sweet things,” he said as he nibbled my shoulder.
“What else,” I demanded.
“Will you let me distract you already?” he pleaded, his voice husky.
Desire fizzed under my skin like a thousand champagne bubbles popping.
Later, when he climbed out of bed and went in search of his clothes, I asked, “Where are you going?”
“To get the rest of my things.”
“Now?”
He grinned. “There isn’t much. I want to live with you, Sage.”
“I’m coming, too.”
When we were strolling hand in hand towards his studio, I took a deep breath and said, “Smell that?”
“What?”
“It will be spring soon.”
“How can you tell?”
I smiled. “I’ve lived in New York my whole life, I know the scent of snow. There’s no bite to the air right now. Spring is close.” I felt joyful, young. But when was the last time Kai had been carefree? His guilt tethered him like a kite.
“I can’t wait to walk around barefoot,” he said. “It’s been so long since I’ve felt the grass between my toes.”
“Wild child,” I teased.
“You never walk around without shoes?”
“In New York? And get hepatitis?”
We laughed, and it warmed the dark corners of my heart. We arrived at his studio a few minutes later and climbed dingy stairs toward the front door. Kai slid a key into the tattered deadbolt, turned it sharply and eased the door open, letting me through. The refrigerator hummed in the corner of the small kitchen, drawing attention to its chipped, enameled body. Everything was bathed in fluorescent light, and as Kai began to gather his things I realized that this place had never been Kai’s home—and he had never wanted it to be. I crossed the room to help him pack and he looked at me, his smile wide and easy. And in that moment, without a word, I knew we were both thinking about starting a new life together.
“What was it like? Living with your fiancé?” Kai asked, jarring me out of my thoughts.
“Why do you want to know?”
“I’m curious about Connor and your life before you came here—tell me about it,” he demanded.
“What am I supposed to say?”
“I don’t know.”
I bit my lip in thought. “I hated his socks and all they stood for. Rigid, confining. When he proposed, I should’ve broken it off, but I didn’t. Instead I complacently accepted him.” I stared at Kai, my mouth tight with remembrance. “I don’t want to talk about who I was. I was scared to dream. Scared to think I could be different, or have something different. I settled, and I don’t want to talk about it.”
“It’s the flaws that make us truly love someone.”
“That’s far too poetic, even for me, Kai.”
He smiled.
“Can I tell you some things I want you to know?”
Kai nodded.
“I love that we stay awake late into the nights, learning the outlines of one another. I love that I’ve learned you by touch. I love that the small crinkles at the corners of your despondent, troubadour eyes tell your life story. And when I’m in your arms and you’re inside me, I feel a connection deeper than words can describe.”
He embraced me as I continued to speak, “I know your heart has been broken, but I want to help you stitch it back together…Will you let me?”
Kai’s hands cradled my cheeks as he stared into my eyes. His lips covered mine, and we fell into the moment—and each other.
Chapter 16
Sage
Winter turned to spring, and the grapes in Armand’s vineyard ripened. I helped out around the bed and breakfast, deriving a primitive joy from being productive. I didn’t think about the future—choosing instead to live in the present, wanting to soak up every experience, every moment.
Most of my reflections found their way into a journal. Every once in a while I’d share something I wrote with Kai before putting it under the mattress, like I had been doing for years. It was the only routine I followed.
One warm May afternoon, I was manning the desk alone when Kai tore into the foyer, animated and happy. “I have a surprise for you. Can you sneak away this weekend?”
It was the sort of spontaneity I’d grown to love. “I don’t see why not.”
Twenty minutes later, we were packed, seated in a small black rental car, and driving out of the city. “Will you tell me where we’re going?”
“Nope.”
“Will I like it?”
“Yep.”
“How long do I have to wait until I find out?”
“About three-and-a-half hours. Turn on some music.”
“What do you want to hear? Jazz? Bluegrass?”
Kai grinned. “How about some Creedence?”
I smiled back. “Perfect road trip music.” I peered out the window, enjoying the scenery. The countryside was in bloom, and the lush rolling hills reminded me of a postcard.
“It doesn’t look real, does it?” Kai asked.
I glanced at him; he smiled, but his eyes were on the road. “I still can’t believe I get to call France home. Is it home for you?”
“Home is wherever you are, Sage. Does that scare you?”
“Not anymore,” I admitted. “What are your dreams, Kai?”
“To feel the way I feel right now—forever.”
I caught my breath. “And you call me the writer.”
He sighed. “I never thought this was going to be my life. I didn’t think I deserved this; to feel all I feel for you, to want to laugh and cry in your arms.” His throat tightened with emotion.
I brushed tears from my eyes. I could tell he was trying to shake off the heaviness of our conversation. We needed light, so I steered the dialogue somewhere else. “Favorite Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavor?”
“Phish Food. You?”
“Boston Cream Pie.”
“Hmm,” he said, running his tongue across his lips. “Favorite book?”
“
The Thornbirds
.”
“Never read it. What’s it about?”
“Forbidden love, for one. The story follows three generations of women. They made it into a really good miniseries.”
He snorted with laughter. “I’ll read it if you read my favorite book.”
“And that is?”
“
A River Runs Through It,
by Norman Maclean.”
I smiled in arrogance. “Already read it.”
“Have you now?”
“Okay, next question, if you threw a dinner party, who would you invite?”
“Do I have to cook?”
“No.”
He furrowed his brow. “Do the guests have to be living, or can they be dead?”
“Either.”
“Fictional or real?”
“Just answer the question!” I said in exasperation.
“Captain Hook.”
“Captain Hook?
Really?
”
“Yeah, I bet his side of the story is more interesting.”
I chuckled.
“How about you?” he asked.
“Wild Bill Hickok. I want to know if he really had a premonition that he was going to die, and if he did, why he didn’t try and change his fate.”
“Can you really change your fate?”
I shrugged. “I like to believe anything is possible. If you could be Scarecrow, Tin Man, or Lion, who would you pick?”
Kai thought for a moment. “Scarecrow. He has the best song. You’re Tin Man though.”
“How do you figure?”
“You’re all heart.”
Three-and-a-half hours later, we reached our destination, and I pressed my nose against the car window. “A vineyard? We
live
on a vineyard!”
“It was Armand’s suggestion. Welcome to the
Château La Piolette
.”
Kai parked, and we walked into the
château
, where we met the owners, a middle-aged husband and wife, who reminded me of Celia and Armand. It made me wonder about the institution of marriage. Was it another box I tried to fit into? Another lie I’d been told I wanted? I looked at Kai as he conversed with the couple. His smile was deep and hearty. I wanted him, any way I could have him—odd, how that became the only truth I knew.
After we set our bags down in our room, I asked, “What should we do first?”
“We have a few hours before sunset. Want to walk around?”
“Yeah, let’s eat and then explore.”
He called and requested a picnic basket. We found a pristine spot underneath a large tree, spread out a blanket, and began to unpack. Kai pulled out a small half bottle of wine and twisted off the cap.
We laughed and talked, late afternoon sinking into twilight. Moments like these made me feel suspended in time, like there was no other place I was meant to be. Everything before Kai seemed so far away, so trivial. He heightened all my senses; for the first time, I tasted life, and I wanted to chew it up like a ripe, sweet peach.
My thoughts drifted to Kai’s home in Monteagle, wondering what it would be like to go there with him. Would I ever find out? Did I want to? Would he consider returning if I said I’d go with him? Did I have the right to ask?
Wanting to change the direction of my unspoken questions, I leaned in to kiss him, cutting him off in the middle of a word. I knew his lips like they were my own. His hands were in my hair as we strained closer to one another. Desire whirled through me, awakening everything inside—I was consumed and reborn in my passion.
I led him back to our room. I undressed him and ran my fingers along the planes of his body. The sheet was cool beneath my heated skin. I grazed my fingertips along the slope of his back, and his shallow breathing turned heavy. His desirous eyes peered into mine, and I gave a part of myself to him I didn’t want back. I cried out as Kai filled me—I wasn’t cold, not when he was with me.
Lying in bed with our arms and legs entangled, I closed my eyes. Kai rested his chin on my breastbone. It was dark, and the curtains were pulled back to reveal the face of the moon.
I traced his ear with my finger. “My thoughts and feelings, they’re all of you. I’m sad for what I’ve lost, but knowing I have you makes it bearable—so bearable.” I kissed him. “I think we are what ballads are written of, what bards sing of. We are epic, you and I.” I sat up and put on a shirt over my naked body.
“What are you doing?”
“Come with me.” Holding hands, we walked into the intoxicating evening. Countless stars hung in the net of the endless universe. I picked out Orion, wondering what it would be like to be forever in the sky, watching, waiting.
Kai pulled me into his arms and I placed a hand on his heart, my face in the crook of his neck. “You remind me of this poem I read once,” he whispered.
The smell of him was in my nose, my brain smoky with comfort and peace.
“How familiar are you with Yeats?”
“A little.”
He told me about “The Song of Wandering Aengus”. It was about a man who had caught a silver trout that turned into a beautiful woman. She disappeared, and he spent the rest of his life wandering the hills in search of her.
“That will not be us,” I said when he finished. “I will not leave you in the night, and you will not have to look for me.”
“It was dark for so long, Sage, but you’re my light.”