Dangerously Hot (A Hostile Operations Team Novel)(#4) (23 page)

“I’m sorry it’s not as nice as the hotel,” Matt said, “but it’s clean and safe. We gave you the room with the bathroom so you won’t have to share with the guys.”

Lucky pushed her hands into her jeans pockets. “It’s fine.”

Matt and Hawk left the room, and Kev closed the door once he heard their feet on the stairs. Then he turned back to Lucky. She was watching him closely, hands still in pockets, expression a little wary.

He walked over and pulled her into his arms. She wrapped hers around his waist and held on tight. He dropped his cheek against her hair and just stood there breathing her in.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what,” she mumbled against his chest.

“For losing control with you. For forgetting for even a second that this mission is the most important thing, and your safety is my sworn duty. For losing my temper with Billy—hell, you name it.”

Her grip on him tightened. “It takes two, Kev. I couldn’t have cared less about anything but being with you. I still want to be with you.”

His chest ached. “We can’t. Not here.”

She pushed back and gazed up at him, her beautiful eyes so soft and tender. “I know. Billy’s right, and we have to have our heads in the game. I don’t want anyone in danger because of me.”

He put his palm against her cheek, reveling in the silky feel of her flesh. “None of this should have happened. I should have been stronger…”

Her fingers curled into his T-shirt. “I’m glad it happened,” she said fiercely. “And I’m glad you told me about your family. I’m so sorry for what happened to them. But it’s not your fault. I didn’t get to say that earlier, but it’s not your fault.”

He felt as if she’d reached inside his chest and squeezed his heart. “You don’t know that.” He moved away from her and went over to put a hand on the small desk sitting near the door. He gripped the edge hard for a moment. And then he turned back to her. She looked confused, and he felt an almost desperate need to protect her ripple through him.
 

But he had to confess his sins. It was only right to tell her.

“I fought with my dad that morning. He’d been drinking all night, and I fought with him even though I knew he was volatile. Then I walked out. He screamed at me, told me not to go or I’d regret it.” He could still see his father’s face twisted in helpless rage. Still smell the stale odor of cheap beer and bad breath as it blasted over him. His father had swayed on his feet, reaching for him, but Kev moved out of his way. And then he laughed when his father fell. Laughed and walked out while his mother looked terrified and his sister ran from the room.

That was the last time he’d seen any of them alive.
His fault.

Lucky wrapped her arms around herself, but he didn’t spare her. He found that he couldn’t. That her pity and her sympathy turned on a flood inside him that he couldn’t stop. She had to know what kind of man he was.

“He shot them sometime that morning. He didn’t kill himself until later in the day. He must have sobered up and realized—”

He raked a shaky hand through his hair. “Maybe he realized what he’d done and couldn’t live with it. Or maybe he was too much of a coward, and it took him a few hours to pull the trigger on himself. I’ll never know which. But I know it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t left.”

“Oh, Kevin,” she said. She took a step toward him. Stopped, as if she were afraid he might not want her comfort. “It’s still not your fault. He made the choice to kill them, and he made the choice to kill himself. If you’d stayed, he might have killed you too. Did you ever think of that?”

Tears rolled down her cheeks now, and he went over and put his arms around her. “Fuck. You don’t need to hear this after the day you’ve had. I’m sorry.”

“No.” Her voice was harsh as she pushed him back and tilted her chin up to look him in the eye. “I want you to tell me. I want to know what made you you. I’m crying because this hurts you, not because I don’t want to know.”

His throat was tight. If he’d gone this far, he could go the rest of the way. “Maybe now you can understand why I wasn’t right for you. When I said I couldn’t be what you need, this is what I meant.” He choked down a bitter laugh. “Billy’s thinking of picket fences these days, Matt’s planning a wedding, Sam can’t take his eyes off Georgie Hayes whenever she’s in a room—how do they
know
it’s going to work? That they won’t wake up someday and find out they’ve failed the people they love?”

Deep inside he always wondered if his past had damaged him so badly he could never be the kind of man any woman should take a chance on. He wasn’t about to start drinking and kill his family—but he’d made such a fundamental mistake in judgment that day when he’d left his violent father alone with his mother and sister. His entire military career had been about rectifying that mistake, and yet it still haunted him. Thirteen years later, and he couldn’t ever forget the fresh pain of that moment when he’d found them.

She put her hands on his jaw, held him gently and made him look at her. “None of us are perfect. You were a child, and you didn’t fail anyone. Your father is the villain in this story, not you. But even then, relationships are never smooth. And sometimes it doesn’t work out no matter how you try. That happens too.”

His heart thumped. What she said made sense, and yet… It finally hit him what she wasn’t saying. “You and Marco?”

She let him go and went over to sit on the bed. Her shoulders slumped as she studied her lap. “He asked me for a divorce.”

Kev felt as if she’d punched him in the gut. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t process it. He sank onto the opposite bed and stared at her. “Another thing he didn’t tell me.”

Marco had kept a lot from him, it seemed. Why?

“I’m sorry.” She pulled in a breath, huffed it out again. “This isn’t supposed to be about me. It’s about you.”

“You can’t drop a bomb like that and not tell me what happened.”

She looked sad for a long moment. And then her jaw tightened. “I don’t know what happened. It’s just, well, we weren’t right for each other. We shouldn’t have gotten married, but he was kind and I was messed up… and I said yes.”

His gut churned. He didn’t want to hear this… and he did. Guilt burned in his soul. “He fell for you the first moment he saw you. He told me you were the girl he was going to marry.”

Her eyes flashed. “And you stayed out of the way because of that, right?”

His fingers rolled into fists. “I told you what I wanted from you. But Marco wanted to take care of you. I thought that was more important.”

“Marco was a good man. But we both did him wrong. And I’m not talking about tonight. You were the one I was interested in back then, the one I wanted. I think Marco knew that on some level. I convinced myself I was in love with him though.” She ran her fingers along her thigh in a quick back-and-forth motion, like she had to do something to keep her emotions in check. “No, I did love him. But it wasn’t enough. He tried to stick it out, but I guess he got tired of my hang-ups. He wanted out, though he planned to let me be the one to file.”

Kev stood up then. Sweat popped on his skin. He couldn’t process this. Marco had wanted her, married her. Loved her. But it hadn’t worked out.
 

Kev’s gut churned. What part had he played in that, wanting her from afar? Had Marco known? Had he suffered because it was obvious his best friend wanted his wife? He remembered that Marco had stopped sharing things with him long before that final mission. Had he somehow known what Kev hadn’t admitted to himself?

Lucky was looking at him sadly, knowingly, but he couldn’t discuss this a moment longer. He had to get out, had to clear his head.

“I, uh, need to go see what the plan is for tomorrow.” He strode to the door and opened it. “Don’t wait up.”

But he didn’t go see the guys. He pounded down the stairs and out into the night air.

CHAPTER TWENTY

Lucky didn’t sleep well in the too-soft bed with the creaky springs. Every time she turned, the creaking of the bed woke her up. She raised her head to look at Kev’s empty bed each time. It was hours before he returned. She heard the door open, heard his footsteps across the floor and the whisper of his clothing as he shed it. His bed creaked when he lay down but she didn’t open her eyes and let him know that she knew he was back.

What would she say if she did? He’d looked like a thundercloud when he’d left earlier and she had no idea what he was thinking now. Maybe she shouldn’t have told him she’d wanted him before she’d married Marco, but it was the truth. On some level, he had to have known it too.

Guilt and fear nearly made her sick. She listened to him breathing, her heart hurting for him and her—and for Marco. She shouldn’t have been a coward. She should have refused Marco’s advances, and she should have refused to marry him until she knew what she really wanted.

But she hadn’t, and she didn’t know how she would ever get rid of the guilt of not being what he’d wanted in the end.
 

Kev had his own guilt to endure. He’d had a horrible childhood, and it was clear he’d been damaged from it. That was the secret he kept close, the reason he didn’t commit to anyone. He was afraid of failing the ones he loved—hell, maybe he was afraid of loving anyone too. He’d loved his mother and sister, and he’d lost them so senselessly.

And then he’d lost Marco, and she knew he blamed himself for that as well, even if it wasn’t his fault.

She wanted so desperately to crawl into bed with him and curl up in the warmth of his body, but that wasn’t going to happen. Even if he would welcome her, she could hear the other guys beyond the door from time to time. The walls and doors weren’t precisely soundproof.
 

No, there would be no more frantic sexual encounters before this mission was done.

Hell, maybe there’d be no more encounters at all. The way he’d looked at her when she’d told him about her and Marco. He’d been stunned. And maybe even a little horrified at her confession. Maybe he was wondering what was so wrong with her that Marco had wanted out.

She blinked back tears, her body rigid as her nerves stretched thin, and she tried to think of something to say to Kev. Something that would put everything right again. But it was useless. She didn’t know what to say, and she didn’t think he wanted to hear it anyway.

Lucky dozed throughout the night, never fully resting. Finally, when she was sinking into a dream of her mother baking cookies in the kitchen with the triplets while she stood outside the window and looked inside at the warm tableau they made, a hand settled over her shoulder and shook her awake.

She looked up into blue eyes, confusion fogging her brain for a moment. But then reality returned and she knew where she was and why. What she didn’t know was if Kev would ever kiss her again. It was ironic that it was so important to her considering the gravity of what they were here to do.

“Time to get up. We have to get you to the Prince Faisal School in an hour so you can start classes.”

Lucky pushed herself up, wincing as she did so. Kev frowned. “What’s wrong?”

Warmth flooded her at that small sign of concern. “Bruises and sore muscles. I’ll be fine after I stretch a bit.”

“It’s my fault. I’m sorry for throwing you on the ground.”

She didn’t bother to mention that her inner muscles were also sore. It was a lovely reminder of how hot and desperate the sex had been. “You had no choice. Besides, I’ll be fine.”

He held out a small round device that looked like a very thin watch battery on his palm. “Need you to put this in your bra.”

She dragged her gaze to his. It was the first time she’d managed to look at him for more than a second. He gazed at her evenly, no sign of anger or hatred in his eyes. It was enough to make her want to melt in relief. “Why?”

“It’s a tracking device. So’s your phone, but this is just in case you were to get separated from it.”

She swallowed. “Okay.”

He dropped the device in her hand. “It’s just a precaution. We won’t let anyone take you.”

“I know.” She smiled as he got to his feet and stood over her. She thought he might say something, but he turned away and went to the door.
 

“Come downstairs when you’re ready.”

Disappointment pierced her as she got out of bed and went into the bathroom for a quick shower. She tucked the device in her bra as instructed, against the cup, and then dressed in a pair of capri pants and a tank top before tugging on an abaya and covering her hair. She’d learned yesterday that it was a good idea to have on something a bit more flexible under the abaya just in case. When she was ready, she went downstairs and found five of the guys at a table, eating honeyed pastries and drinking coffee.

She sat next to Jack and grabbed a pastry while the guys talked. They joked and laughed as if they hadn’t made a run for it in the middle of the night, as if their plans were still going smoothly and hadn’t required a rethink. Then again, that’s what they did. They changed plans on the fly.

When it was time to go, Kev rose and she followed his lead. The guys went silent as Kev grabbed his camera gear. Flash joined them with a laptop bag since he was the reporter to Kev’s photographer.

“Y’all be careful out there,” Matt said. “And Lucky, don’t worry about a thing. You got this.”