Dare To Be Wild (21 page)

“It's not like that. Mitchell's only a few years older than Ashri. How would you feel if your son was dating a woman as old as me?”

Aleesa took a minute to think about the situation. “I might have a few misgivings,” she was forced admit. When painted on such a personal canvas, the scenario did take on a different look.

“Exactly. Mitchell and I are at different stages in our lives—”

“But I wouldn't try to stop Ashri. It's his journey,” Aleesa interrupted Liv to clarify.

“We have nothing in common,” Livia continued to insist.

“How would you know that? You only spent a few days together, and most of that did not involve talking,” Lena pointed out.

“Uh, I think that the sixteen-year-age gap pretty much says it all. What could I possibly have in common with that boy?”

“Besides some insanely, freaky sexual attraction?”

“Okay, I'll give you that, but that attraction was with a man who doesn't even know my real name. As great as it was, as Mitchell is, I realized that I want more than sex. I want to be in a relationship again. I want what you and Walter have.”

“Which is all fine and reasonable, but what are you going to do until then? Let your cupcake get all stale again?” Aleesa countered.

“Exactly,” Lena chimed in. “Why can't you continue having fun with Mitchell until Mr. Right Age comes along?”

“Look, I did what I set out to do. I accomplished seven out of ten fantasies on my list, which is five more than I ever thought possible. I'm a little late, I know, but I've finally experienced my wild, crazy teen years. I'm walking into my fifties feeling confident and sexy, and open to what comes next. It's all good. So, give me a break!”

“Okay, okay. You're right. You fulfilled your promise. And we are definitely proud and happy for you. So we will back off on your boy toy. Now, speaking of walking into your fifties, we've made plans,” Aleesa said, adroitly changing subjects.

“Two weeks from today, your time belongs to us,” Lena added.

“What are you two cooking up?” Livia asked, her eyes moving from one woman to the other looking for clues.

“Nothing big and flashy like your tits out party. You know the reason it was so over the top was because Jasi had a hand in it. This time, it's the exact opposite—a few cocktails, a quiet dinner, and well, let's just say Jasi and Lena did manage to pull off a little somethin, somethin.”

At the mention of Jasi's name, discomfort darkened Livia's face like an approaching thunder cloud.

“Okay, I know you don't like surprises, but humor us, will you?”

“It's not that.”

“Then what's that look about?” her cousin demanded to know.

“I'm just surprised that Jasi is part of the planning.”

“She told us what happened and why you're so upset with her, but it's time for you two to get past this nonsense and talk,” Lena filled in.

“She told you everything?”

“Yep, and I can see why you might have been pissed, but if you had let her explain, you would have found out that she knew the bartender. He wasn't a stranger. She's known him for years,” Aleesa said. “She always had your back, Liv.”

“That's all she said?”

“Yes. And after all these years, you should know Jasi well enough to know that she'd never put you at risk like that.”

It was clear to Livia that Jasi had not revealed all. She wanted to let them know that after all of these years, none of them knew Jasi
as well as they thought they did. But she said nothing. This was Jasi's story to tell, not hers.

“You two need to get it together. Life is too short to lose a friendship over a silly misunderstanding,” Aleesa concluded.

“You're right,” Livia replied. “Jasi and I need to talk,”
and about so much more than you know.

J
asi lay back on the couch and listened with affection to the less than harmonious melody emanating from Belinda's very kissable mouth. With each sweet and sour note, Jasi's heart tightened with a sentimental dread. She'd finally found the one person who made her feel whole and happy to be the flawed and fabulous person she was. After years of living like a sexual gypsy, flitting about and fucking whomever struck her fancy, she'd suddenly, and irrevocably become a one-woman, woman. Since falling in love with Belinda, her wandering eyes now only sought the gaze of her beloved.

Breaking things off with Todd had been hard for everyone, particularly her parents, but it was the most liberating move she'd made since deciding to teach art instead of create it. Jasi no longer felt capable of giving her body to a man she wasn't attracted to or in love with in order to maintain a lie. And the need to secretly whore around with women in order to satisfy the natural lust she couldn't sate with Todd, had disappeared. In such a short and happy time, Belinda had become her friend and lover and the love of her life. When she was with Belinda, she didn't have to play any games, didn't need to the curb her desire for the soft, sexy touch of another woman.

Belinda's tonally challenged serenade ceased as she wandered into the living room from the kitchen. She affectionately ruffled the soft fringe of hair lining Jasi's neck as she passed. Jas responded
with a gentle sigh of pleasure. She could never grow tired of this incredible woman's touch.

“Painting today,
Mami?”
Belinda inquired, lifting Jasi's head, sitting down and gently replacing her lover's head in her lap.

“No. I'm going to catch up on some school work this morning and then later, I'm meeting up with a girlfriend for lunch.” Until this moment, Jasi had not mentioned Livia's phone call requesting that they meet and finally talk about what had happened between them.

“Humph!” Belinda's look and tone let Jasi know that she had some explaining to do.

“Don't look at me like that. Trust me, she's all the way straight. I've mentioned her. She's the one who had breast cancer.” Jasi stopped short of revealing that Livia was also the same friend who'd caught them in the bathroom at Jessebelle's. It was a deliberate omission because she didn't want to talk about the status of her relationship with Livia and the reason it had fallen into such a sad state. And even if she wanted to, she couldn't, because Belinda still didn't know that she was a coward, still living her life in the closet.

“So, when am I going to meet this trio of straight
amiguitas
you're so fond of? I'm starting to feel like you're ashamed of me,” Belinda said, only half-teasing.

“Never, Love. Look at you; you're a brilliant doctor, smokin' hot, sexy, and other than your inability to carry a tune even in your frickin' pocket, you're perfect.”

“Then why haven't I met any of your friends or family?”

“Because I've been too busy falling in love with you, pretty girl,” Jasi said before reaching up to deliver a kiss. It was both a punctuation on the truth and an effort to quell any further questions leading the conversation down that slippery slope.

Jasi lifted her hand to Belinda's face and lovingly caressed her
cheek while her tongue explored her mouth. Her kiss was warm and loving, and through it, Jasi tried to convey the feelings and thoughts she wanted her beloved to walk away with.
I love you. Trust me. It's just so damn complicated.

Belinda pulled away, and looked deeply into Jasi's eyes.
“Te quiero,
Jasi.”

“I love you too,” Jasi said as she felt her heart melt. No combination of words had ever sounded or felt so good before.

“But I am nobody's secret.”

The truth stung, leaving Jasi feeling as if she'd been physically slapped. The guilty look in her eyes caused Belinda's brow to rise in suspicion.

“Of course you aren't. I have been totally selfish and wanting to enjoy having you all to myself,” Jas said, lathering on the charm and hoping it worked.

“Then,
Mami,
it's time for me to meet your friends and family and you, mine.”

“Soon. I promise.”

“Okay.
Este Domingo.
You take me to brunch with your family
this
Sunday.”

“I uh…well, it's just that…I'm not sure that this Sunday is…uh…”

“What is this?” Belinda demanded, interrupting Jasi's hemming and hawing. “Tell me
ahora
why you don't want me to meet your
familia
? Because I am Puerto Rican?
Que? Dime ahora! Que?
”

Jasi swallowed hard. She'd come to learn that the more Spanish Belinda peppered into her speech, the more pissed she was. Jas had to make a quick decision. She could either make her parents and friends look like terrible racists, and buy some more time, or reveal herself to be the cowardly lesbian she was. Both choices came riddled with additional problems. Adding a new lie on top of the existing
deceit seemed a surefire way to lose this beauty forever. But by telling the truth, Jasi risked Belinda walking away after deciding she'd fallen in love with a woman she didn't really know or couldn't trust. Either way the margin of hurt loomed large.

The sounds of the household were magnified in the silence. Most prevalent was the ticking of the living room clock. With each tick, Jasi's shame and fear expanded, and with each tock the distance between the two lovers seemed to grow. Jasi sat up, reached over, and tightly wove her fingers into Belinda's, desperately needing a physical anchor to keep her close.

“Tell me,
Mami,”
Belinda softened her voice to a plea. “Why do you think your family won't like me?”

“They will love you,” Jasi assured her, deciding to tell her the truth. “How could they not? It's just—”

“Have you told them about me? Told anybody about us?”

“No. They don't know about you because the truth is, Belinda, they don't know about
me.”

Time stopped as the two women stared each other down, digesting the cold hard fact that Jasi had shared.

Disbelief colored her voice. “You're telling me that nobody in your family, and none of your friends, know that you like girls?” Belinda finally broke the silence to inquire.

“My parents don't know and neither do any of my close friends.”

“I don't understand. You're not a teenager, or even in your twenties. How can you be as old as you are, and people still don't know the real you?”

“I don't even know the real me,” Jasi sadly confessed.

“How could you? You live a lie.”

“It's not something I'm proud of. I never found the right time or way to tell them. It's fucking complicated.”

“That's bullshit, Jasi. Life is fucking complicated. And everybody's is, not just yours.”

“I know, but I couldn't risk telling my straight friends because word might get out. And I was afraid if people knew I might lose my job. Parents are funny. They may not want a lesbian teaching their daughters.”

“Are you ashamed of who you are?” Belinda asked, getting to the heart of the matter with point blank accuracy.

“No. It's not about shame. It's more about not wanting to disappoint my parents. They would never understand.”

“So. Whose life is it?”

“You don't understand…”

“I understand because I lived it. I had to be brave and take control. My
papi
didn't speak to me for months when he found out that I was gay, and my mother cried for nearly a year, but they came around. You assume they won't understand. It is easier than being honest.”

“Let me explain,” Jasi pleaded. The look in Belinda's eyes frightened her. Gone was the endearing love she'd showered her with earlier. It had been pushed aside by a suspicious disappointment. Jasi needed to make Belinda understand the fears, rational or not, that had led her to live such a secretive existence.

“I'm listening.”

Jasi went on to explain her mother's belief that children were a direct blessing from God and all her mother had lived an exemplary Christian life, wanting only to be blessed with a large family that would carry on for generations to come. But when Harolyn's wishes didn't coincide with God's plans, she'd had transplanted her dreams to her only child and daughter. The expectation for Jasi to marry and fill her parents' life with the large family they
were not able to create themselves had started in high school and loomed large for the majority of Jasi's life.

“When did you know you were gay?”

Jas told her the entire story, starting with her first girl crush on Kimberly Brand in the seventh grade. Three years later, in her freshman year of high school, she had a revelation about her bisexuality, thanks to the nimble hands and kisses of first, Jackie Russell, and then later in the year, Timothy Smith. By her sophomore year in college, she'd realized her strong sexual preference for girls, and began her life as part of the closeted sisterhood. She was a covert lesbian, sleeping around with women while maintaining a heterosexual relationship on the side to assuage her parents. Over the years, Jasi developed a strong sexual appetite, enviable bedroom skills, and a keen knack for getting laid and walking away with no hard feelings.

“I was basically a good time girl. In and out, bodies satisfied, but emotions sanitized. Not pretty but it worked—until I met you.

“And that's continued until now,” she said, pausing to try and read the emotions on Belinda's face.

“You have a boyfriend, still?” Belinda asked, refusing to fall under Jasi's spell.

“No, we broke up.”

“When? Have you fucked him since you've been fucking me?”

“Yes,” she confessed in the lowest possible voice to be heard. “But I promise you, Belinda, it didn't mean anything. Todd was a friend, a front, a man to put in front of my parents and friends and school colleagues to assure them that I was normal. We didn't even screw that much and once I realized that I was in love with you, I broke up with him.”