Authors: Katie McGarry
She’s absolutely killing me. My T-shirt ends at the middle of her bare thighs. “Are you going to put the pants on?”
Beth shrugs. “They’ll just fall off.”
She’s right. I force my eyes to her face. “I’m glad you’re here. I’ve been worried about you.” About us.
Beth fidgets with the hem of my T-shirt. “I can’t say it back.”
And she crushes me into nothing.
“But I want to.”
Hope. A single thread exists and it keeps
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Beth and me alive. “Because you want to
love me or because you do?”
She straightens out the shirt and runs her fingers through her hair. “What if I do? Feel that way?”
I let her words sink in. Beth loves me. My heart settles and I swallow to find my bearings.
“Because if I do…” She stalls and I start to wonder if her trembling is from the cold or from her emotions. “And you…” Beth sucks in air, then lifts her head so that her eyes plead with mine. “I can’t say it, but I…I want to be here…with you.”
We’re still on shaky ground—Beth and I. If I do the wrong thing, she’ll bolt. The rain picks up and patters harder against the roof. My ribbon clings to her wrist. Beth doesn’t believe in the unseen. She needs a physical reminder that I mean what I say.
My eyes dart around the room and discover the perfect object on my dresser. I brush past Beth, grab the clear bottle, and pour the scant remains of cologne out the window.
“What are you doing?” she asks as if I lost my mind. Who knows, I probably have.
I hold the bottle out into the rain and watch
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as the steady flow slowly fills it. When
there is enough, enough that Beth can clearly see, I close the bottle and hand it to her.
She raises a skeptical eyebrow, but accepts the bottle.
“It’s our rain, Beth.”
Her head barely shakes to show her
confusion while I rub the back of my neck and search for my courage. “I told you I loved you in this rain and when you doubt my words, I want you to look at this bottle.”
Beth’s forehead wrinkles and she stares at the gift I’ve given her. “I don’t…” she starts. “I don’t have anything to give you.”
“You’re here,” I answer. “It’s all I want.”
Her fingers tighten around the bottle. “I still can’t say it.”
“I don’t care.”
Beth crawls onto my bed and I join her by lying like we did the first night she came to my room. If she needs space, I’ll give her space.
This time, Beth immediately places her head on me. The bare skin of my chest screams in protest of her cold, wet hair. I focus on not flinching or shivering. I won’t give her a reason to turn away.
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Her arm relaxes over my stomach and, in
her hand, she clutches the bottle of rain.
“I’m scared,” she says.
Are her running days over? Am I handing
my heart to a girl who’s going to break it? I choose not to think about it and instead wrap my arms tighter around Beth and bring her closer to me. “So am I. But we’ll be okay. I promise.”
“You could really hurt me if you wanted.”
“But I won’t.”
“Say it again,” she whispers, and there’s heartfelt sincerity in her voice that tells me everything I want to hear. My heart explodes and a surging, powerful warmth rushes through my bloodstream. She loves me. I know she
does.
“I love you.” I kiss the top of her head, never feeling so complete in my life.
“Can I stay?” she asks.
“Yes.”
She willingly molds her body to mine. We
snuggle closer together and I shut my eyes, welcoming sleep. Beth’s here and she’s mine and I silently promise to never let go.
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SITTING ON THE BED of Logan’s truck, Ryan keeps me tucked close between his legs and his hands rest on the sides of my hips. Ryan’s sweatshirt wraps around me like a minidress and the heat from his body protects me from the chilly autumn Friday evening. He’s
enveloped me in a small, warm bubble. Wood in the bonfire crackles and snaps and creates a rich scent that relaxes me. I cuddle against him, and the deep rhythmic vibrations of his voice lull me into a sense of ease. Ryan has created the sensation of comforter-out-of-the-dryer warmth.
He runs his hand through my hair and
whispers, “You’re falling asleep. Do you want me to take you home?”
“I’m awake.” I pretend that he will hold me forever. Today, I called Mom before gym. Like
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always, good news comes with bad. She got the car out of the impoundment lot, but she also bailed Trent out of jail and she was somehow shocked that jail hadn’t changed his thunderstorm disposition. She asked me to come get her a week from Monday—after her social security check comes in. I have ten days left with Ryan.
Ryan kisses the top of my head and returns to the same discussion he and his friends have had every day at lunch—baseball playoffs.
Lacy sits next to me in the same exact position with Chris. She drinks from a longneck. “I’m happy you and Ryan are together. It’s nice to be around someone else who never says the word
baseball
.” Lacy takes another drink and shakes her head. “I take that back—not
someone else. I’m glad it’s you. I’m glad you’re back.”
She’s buzzing. I’m not. It’s strange to be at a party and not be blitzed. The past two weeks have been strange. Now that Ryan has done whatever popular people do to announce their commitments, his friends treat me like one of their own and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
I mean—they’re jocks. All the guys standing
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around or sitting on this truck are big, huge, can’t-stop-talking-about-baseball jocks. None of them has made me feel inconsequential or like a freak. They’re nothing like Luke and his friends, who drank every chance they got. Not one of these guys has touched alcohol tonight.
Ryan and his friends have an early-morning game and they want to be at one hundred
percent.
Lacy holds out her hand and waves it until I take it. “I’m happy I have a best friend again.”
“All right.” Chris swings Lacy into his arms.
“She’s talking sentimental, which means it’s time to dance.” With her laughing
uncontrollably, he carries her to the crowd dancing near the bonfire.
Ryan’s lips graze my earlobe, sending
seductive shivers through my body. “Walk with me?”
Anywhere.
“Okay.”
Ryan jumps off the bed of the truck and
when I scoot to the end of the tailgate, he places his hands on my hips to help me down. I don’t need the help. I’m perfectly capable of getting myself down, but I enjoy the feel of his hands on me. His warmth burns through my
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clothes and onto my skin.
He lifts me and my body slowly slides
against his. I want to kiss him and from the hunger smoldering in his eyes, he feels the same way. He takes my hand in his and leads me away from the bonfire, away from other people, into the woods, and into a world of our own.
The moon creates a silvery glow and the
babble of the creek gives the moment a
mystical quality. The darkness isn’t so
frightening with Ryan. With him I can believe that I am a princess with a wreath of flowers and ribbons crowning my head and he is my prince sworn to protect me from the evils in the night.
Ryan releases my hand and turns his
baseball cap to wear it backward, a sure sign he’s going to kiss me. My insides flutter. The enduring cockiness that exudes from Ryan
fades and he shoves his hands in his pockets while shifting. “I wasn’t going to do the writing competition, but I am now. I talked to Coach today and told him I’m not playing next Saturday’s game.”
“Why wouldn’t you have done the
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competition?” I’m confused. Ryan has a
gift. Why wouldn’t he use it?
“My dad, he didn’t want…” Ryan shakes his head. “It’s not important. You’ve opened my eyes to a lot of things and I wanted to let you know that you’re a big part of this. A huge part.” He shrugs and for the first time I see Ryan unsure of himself. It’s an odd thing to watch from someone who is always nothing
less than perfection.
“You’ll be perfect.” Some lives are blessed.
His is. Mine isn’t. I’m not sure how I helped, but at least he’ll have another good memory of me. I have ten days to tuck in as many good memories as I can for the both of us. I don’t want him to hate me forever. I want him to look back on our time together and smile.
Ryan sucks in a deep breath and his
continued track down the path of
uncomfortable makes me restless. “My parents are going to be out of town for a week starting tomorrow. They won’t be back until next
Sunday.”
Awesome. “I get to use the front door?”
“Yeah. If you want. Don’t get me wrong, I want you to come…I mean I want you to sleep
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with me…I mean.” Ryan swears under his
breath. “I want you at my house if you want to be there.”
If it was anyone else stumbling through that awkwardness, I’d laugh, but it’s Ryan, so I choke on the chuckles. “Are you asking me to have sex?”
His eyes widen. “No. I would never ask that.
I mean, I would. Someday. Now if I could. But no. No. We’ll wait. Ah hell, Beth, can I screw this up any more than I already have?”
I smile at the word
screw
and Ryan catches it. He says a word I thought only pops out of my mouth. Ryan’s cheeks turn red and the
blush on his face makes me blush. God, we’re standing here acting like two virgins.
In fact, this whole week we’ve acted like virgins. We do this uncomfortable dance when I slip into his room and climb into his bed. He waits forever to kiss me, no matter how many signals I give. And when we do kiss—the fire between us is hotter than flames in hell. Then we reach certain points where neither one of us seem to want to cross the line. I’m used to guys pushing forward. I guess I could cross the lines, but the thought frightens me. Such a
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squeamish-little-girl feeling makes me want to slap myself. It’s not like I’ve never seen a guy’s penis before.
Ryan readjusts his hat and I tilt my head as I understand the agony marring his beautiful face. “You’re a virgin,” I say.
I curse internally when Ryan flips his hat back and yanks the bill hard over his face.
Go
ahead, Beth, embarrass the boy a little more.
Why don’t you ask him if he has a small dick,
too?
Talk about screwing things up. This is not the memory I want Ryan to have of me, but the knowledge he’s supplied will ensure I can give him something he’ll never forget: his first time.
I close the distance between us. He’s stiff when I wrap my arms around him and press
my cheek against his chest. “I don’t care. In fact, it makes you more perfect.”
Ryan sighs loudly, but his body relaxes
under my touch. His strong hands caress my back and weave through my hair. “I’m not
perfect, Beth.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Ryan!” Chris yells close to the tree line.
“Get your sorry ass over here. Logan took on a dare.”
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“Of course he did,” mumbles Ryan. He
keeps his arm around my shoulder and leads me back into the pasture.
Logan stands beside Chris and wears a crazy grin on his face. “Do you still have those bungee cords in your Jeep?”
“Yes,” Ryan answers hesitantly.
An excited gleam that frightens even me
sparkles in Logan’s eyes. “Great. Let’s go.”
Chris and Logan head toward the parked
cars. I nudge Ryan when he stays still. “Go.”
He traces circles on my arm. “It’ll only be a few minutes.”
“It doesn’t bother me if you want to hang with your friends.”
The sincerity swims in his eyes. “But I’m leaving you alone.”
“Not sure if you noticed, but sometimes I prefer to be alone.”
Ryan flips his hat back around, leans down, and his kiss warms areas that sweatshirts can’t touch. The second his lips leave mine, he pulls his baseball cap off and places it on top of my head. He laughs as the bill falls forward and covers my face. Not wanting him to take it back, I spin it and wear it backward. “You have
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a big head.”
“Naw,” he says. “You’re just small.”
With pride, I watch Ryan stride across the pasture. He’s a natural athlete with his broad shoulders and strong arms. My heart dances.
For the next ten days—he’s mine.
“I can’t believe you let Ryan put that hat on your head. He sweats in it.” Gwen emerges from the darkness and I immediately think of my fear of demons waiting in the shadows, ready to grab me in the dead of night.
“It doesn’t bother me.”
“If I was you I’d want to hide my hair too,”
she says, standing unusually close to me.
I’m going soft if she thinks she’s safe
speaking to me that way. Allison would love this chick. They share the same awful taste in clothes. “I remember pushing you to the
ground and making you cry in elementary
school for fucking with Lacy.”
“I remember you wearing the same damn
dress with holes and those pathetic ribbons.”
She stares at my wrist, then at my jeans. “I see your tastes haven’t changed.”
“No,” I say. “But Ryan’s have.”
Her face reddens and I smile. Damn, I really
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enjoy being me. I give her credit—Gwen
quickly rejoins the game. “Look, I’m trying to be helpful. Rumor at school says Ryan is only with you over a dare. Ryan and his friends take dares very seriously and he’d string you along in order to win. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good guy, but he’s a guy, you know? I would hate to see you take a fall once the dare’s complete.”