Authors: Devon Herrera
“You don’t know how it was! You weren’t there!”
“Yes, and I will regret that I wasn’t able to kill that mother fucker every day for the rest of my life.”
Lauren gasps and presses her hand to her chest. “How could you? I love him!”
“He hurt you! It’s that fucking simple!”
We’ve had this argument a thousand times, and I never can get through to her. “I don’t expect you to understand, Drake. You’ve never been in love in your entire life.”
I’ve heard this from her before, but for some reason today, her words cut through me like a knife. “You’re right. I don’t know what it’s like to be in love. Some people don’t have that ability. If I did, I wouldn’t love someone who used and abused me. I wouldn’t waste my time on someone who didn’t cherish that love. I would love someone who truly loved me back. I don’t have that luxury. Don’t waste your love on someone who doesn’t deserve it, Lauren. It’s too precious for that.”
She closes her eyes at my words and tears run down her face. “I’m nothing without him,” she whispers softly and it breaks my fucking heart.
“That’s why he’s all wrong for you. If he loved you, he would make you feel like you were everything; with or without him.”
I leave her alone to process it, hoping it made a difference, knowing that it didn’t. I find my mother in the kitchen, silently crying into her apron. I’m positive she heard us, and it couldn’t have been easy on her. I walk over and wrap her in my arms. She sniffles lightly into my shoulder, and then leans back to look into my eyes.
“Thank you, Drasin. I still don’t know how you turned into such a wonderful man.”
“Mom…”
“No, hear me out. What you went through as a child is enough to break even the strongest person. I know you harbor some guilt for what happened with your father, but you were just protecting me. You have to know that. What happened doesn’t reflect on you as a man. Your father was responsible for what happened that night. Not you.”
“It’s okay, Mom. I never had it as bad as you.”
“I’ll never forgive myself for not being strong enough to leave. I’m so sorry, honey.” She grips my shirt and pulls me in for another hug. “You can love, Drasin. You have the strongest heart I know of.”
I say nothing, because I’m not sure how her words make me feel. They usually just slide right off. This time, they rattle something inside me. Could it be possible?
“She’s not going to change her mind, and we can’t stop her from going to him when he gets out.” I say, changing the subject.
“I know. I know. What are we going to do? What if he hurts her again?”
My answer is quick and unrelenting. “He won’t, I’ll kill him first.”
As I lay in bed later that night, contemplating my declaration, I realize several things at once. My sister will go back to him. That’s always been inevitable; just as I believe that he will hurt her again. People with that kind of aggression don’t just change. Those facts are why I know that leaving Lola was the right thing to do. If I’m capable of killing my own father without remorse, regardless of his crimes, then nothing will stop me from carrying out my promise. She deserves better than me; better than a killer.
I signal the bartender for another round as I tip back the last bit of whiskey. The familiar burn isn’t enough to take my mind off of today, but it helps dull the edge a bit. Today that prick gets out. Today, my little sister goes back to the monster that bruised her skin and spilled her blood. I wanted to go, but was forbidden. I guess she wanted him home in one piece. Pity.
I’ve never thought about it before, but I wonder where that little pricks family is in all of this. Why is my sister the one picking him up, helping him rent an apartment and getting him acclimated to the world again. What kinds of parents raise someone so evil? Was he abusive his entire life? Did he have siblings? Did he hurt them?
The only example I have is my father. My mother was who she was before she met him. He may have distorted that image for a while, but he never changed her. I was born from him. Part of me hates him for that. If he had been a better person, a better father, maybe I would’ve been different. Maybe I would’ve been better. I can’t help but think of Lola, and what if. Maybe if I was different, I could love her the way she deserves.
I down the second glass of whiskey in one large swallow, and someone steps into my peripheral. I know who it is before he speaks his first word.
“Is this seat taken?”
“You know damn well it’s not, Connor,” I say without looking at him. “So, sit down and say whatever it is you have to say.”
Connor laughs and orders a rum and coke. “How are you doing, brother? It’s been a few weeks since I’ve seen you.” Two weeks and four days to be exact. Lola’s been busy planning Nina’s wedding, and I rented out a hotel room in attempt to put some space between us. I know that if she had access to me, she wouldn’t waste any time calling me out. I’ve been doing my chores at the ass crack of dawn, because I know she won’t be up that early. So far, it’s worked out just fine. Leave it to Connor to find me when I don’t want to be found.
“I’m just peachy. How’s the wedding coming?” That ridiculous look I always give him shit over immediately shows itself.
Fucking love.
“It’s great. Lola has been a huge help since it’s damn near impossible to drag Nina out of bed right now. Well, even more impossible than usual anyway. Actually, that’s why I wanted to talk to you.”
Shit, here we go.
“Great, let’s get this over with.”
Connor frowns and takes a swallow of his drink. “What’s your problem? You save my life and then I don’t hear jack shit from you, and now you’re acting as if you wish I would just fuck off.”
God damn it. I’m an asshole.
“Sorry, man. I’m having some family drama right now. What’s up?”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yea, I got it covered.”
He doesn’t look too convinced, but he doesn’t comment. “I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but I think I know the kind of guy you are already, and I consider you one of my best friends.”
“Whoa, easy there fella, if you start to cry I’ll have to punch you.”
“Shut up, jackass, and hear me out.” He laughs. “Lola is obviously going to be Nina’s maid of honor, but she’s also decided she wants Toni to be a bridesmaid.”
“Ooookay, I don’t see what that has to do with me.”
“I really only have Nick. I left New York behind me, and I have no desire to reconnect with anyone else from that life. So I need one more groomsman. You’re the only other person I would even consider.”
I was totally unprepared for this. I haven’t come to terms yet with my decision to end things with Lola, and if I say yes, I know I might as well throw that right out the window. There is no way I could spend time with her every single day and not touch her. I also know that I can’t say no. There aren’t very many people in this world that I give a shit about, and I didn’t just save this one’s ass for his lady’s sake. Regardless of the circumstance, I consider him one of my best friends too.
“Do I have to wear a tux?” I ask, and Connor smiles.
“I don’t know man; do you want to be the one to tell Nina you’re wearing wranglers to her wedding?”
“Fuck. Yea… Tux it is. Just please, I’m begging you. No pink.”
Connor laughs and slaps me on the back. “The colors are sapphire and emerald, so you don’t have to worry about that.”
The fuck…
“Why do women have to make shit so difficult? What the hell is wrong with plain old blue and green?”
For some reason, Connor finds this hilarious and throws his head back, roaring with laughter. He wipes a tear from his eye and slaps me on the back. “You’ll understand one day my friend.”
“I doubt it.” He looks over at me and seems to wrestle with whether or not he should speak. “Spit it out, Wright.”
“What’s the deal with you and Lola?” He asks. I appreciate the fact that he’s waited this long to say something. I’m sure it’s not easy when he’s in love with her best friend, but he’s never pressed me for information before.
”
“Do you want the honest truth?”
“Of course.”
“We were just sleeping together at first. Somewhere along the way, the lines got blurred and she started to have feelings for me. I’m not right for her, so I left.”
“So you know how she feels about you?” He asks.
I think about the night I left her, and what she said in her sleep. “Yea, I know. She doesn’t really know me though. If she did, she wouldn’t feel this way. And she sure as shit deserves better than me.”
Connor turns to face me, and leans back in his chair. “I’m not going to lecture you, you’re a grown man and you can live your own life, but I will give you something to think about. Love is never black or white. People are never wrong or right. It’s all about choices. You can choose to be with her, and be what she needs, or not. You can’t choose to love her, but you sure as hell can choose how you do it.”
His words have my mind spinning, and I don’t have the patience to think on them right now. So, I just raise my glass touch it to his and say, “To choices.”
Connor smirks and clinks his glass to mine. “To love.”
That bastard.
CHAPTER 15
"...God gave me my talent and I was afraid of facing him one day if I didn't use it."
– Jack Sorenson
The bell chimes as I enter the immaculate and rose smelling boutique. A slim blonde woman plasters on a large white smile and stands as I walk past the threshold. “Welcome to Ana’s Bridal Boutique. How can I assist you?”
You can get me the fuck out of here.
“I’m meeting the Wright party for a fitting.”
Her eyes widen and she looks me up and down. “Right. Of course you are. Come right this way.” She leads me to the back of the store where there is a line of dressing rooms and mirrors. “The groomsmen are in the rooms on the right and the bridesmaids are on the left.” At the sound of her voice, Nina and Connor turn around in their chairs.
“Drake!” Nina says and runs over to me. I open my arms to give her the hug she’s expecting, relieved that she obviously isn’t holding a grudge for me ditching out her best friend.
Pain. White hot pain shoots up my spine and rolls in my stomach.
Son of a mother fucking bitch ass! FUCK!
I double over and cough, trying not to throw up all over the pristine white carpet. “Nina, really? That’s just wrong.” I hear Nick’s voice through my haze.
“What?!” She asks.
“Why did you nut punch the poor guy?”
“Because he made Lola cry.”
“So! You could have slapped him or punched him in the stomach, chopped his fingers off; anything but the nuts!”
“But Lola always threatens Connor’s balls for me.”
“Yea, but Lola’s mean.”
“I’m mean! I can be mean! Remember Barbie, Nick?
Nadiya?
Do ya? I’m a badass bitch and no one hurts my girl.”
Fucking people are nuts. Oh my nuts! Holy shit!
I can barely manage to stand up straight and Connor is hunched over his chair laughing his ass off. Apparently he thinks it’s funny whenever his fiancé acts like a damn lunatic.
“Okay, Nina. Down girl. I can handle it.”
“You sure, because I will totally fuck him up for you.” Nina says balling up her little fist and punching her other palm.
One of the dressing room doors open and Lola steps out. “Yea, babe. I’m sure.” She puts her hands on her hips and stares me down.
God damn she’s beautiful.
She’s wearing a blue strapless dress that hugs her waist and then flares out to brush her knees. Her blonde hair is waving down the middle of her back and her blue green eyes are shooting sparks.
She walks over calmly, and smiles widely at me. “Hey, Thomas.”
“Hi, sunshi….FUCK!” I double over again as much more pain than the last round pounds through my body.
“Don’t, call me sunshine.” She says simply, as though she didn’t just ram her fist into my balls with the strength of a fucking ox.
She then turns, walks back to her dressing room and closes the door softly.
Connor walks over and pats me on the back. “Hey, man, you’re late.”
“What the fuck? Are you serious? I just got junk punched, twice and you’re worried about me being late?”
“Dude, you got off easy. You don’t even want to know what I had to talk Nina out of this morning. The way I see it, you got off easy. Trust me.”
An hour later I’ve been measured, pinched, prodded and poked within an inch of my life. I’m totally convinced that in the dictionary next to the word torture is a picture of a bridal boutique. I’m sitting on the bench by the dressing rooms pulling on my boots when Connor, Nina and Lola start to walk past me.
“See ya later, Drake. Thanks for coming, I appreciate it.” Connor slaps me on the back and grabs Nina’s hand to pull her past me. She follows, but turns around and puts two fingers to her eyes and then points at me, while mouthing “I’m watching you.”
I shake my head and laugh, because although part of me is incredibly annoyed at being punched in the balls, I’m sort of impressed, and a whole lot proud. I’m glad my girl has a friend like that.
What the fuck, Thomas?!
Holy shit, when did I start thinking of Lola as “my girl?”
“You didn’t think you were going to get off that easily did you?” Lola says and then sits down on the bench next to me.
“No. I know you better than that.”
She nods and grabs her purse off the floor. “Alright then, let’s go.”
The ride home is silent and I almost start talking about a thousand times, but I have no idea what to say. When I pull into the driveway at the club, Lola jumps out and walks to the barn. I’m assuming she wants me to follow, and I’m really tired of getting punched in the nuts, so I do.
I find Nina in Ruger and Taz’s stall, putting lead ropes on both of them. “Care to go for a ride, cowboy?” She says, and just like that, my dick gets hard.
Calm down, jackass.