Dark World: The Surface Girl (14 page)

              Assuming I could fit through the passageway, where would I go? All I had to go on was that one single coded message.
             
But the boy is in danger.
             
That... and my heart. Where would Reese go if he were in trouble? This wasn't the kind of thing we had ever discussed because up until less than two days ago there had never been a need to.
              Reese had shared his secret with me when he sent that note with Willow. I now understood that had been was his way of letting me in, of asking for my help, of trusting that I could handle the truth, whatever that turned out to be. He had asked me to meet him at a place that meant something to the both of us, the place where he had found the butterfly. Suddenly I was sure that unless he was being held captive, that’s where he would be. I couldn't explain it, even to myself, but I knew that if he was in trouble, and the Order made that pretty clear, he would be waiting on me to find him. In this broken, limited world where we seemed to believe that the more we love someone the more secrets we have to keep from them like Dad did with Mom, Reese and I were doing the opposite. We were counting on each other and letting each other in. I
knew
things without understanding how I knew them. I suddenly felt so sure that I was right despite having no rational explanation as to why. Love was my best guess. Maybe love wasn't just for fairy tales after all. Maybe it wasn't just a feeling either, but a connection that went beyond language or body movements. Love was not like the world we lived in. Love did not know deception, confusion or lies. Love was not complicated and it told our hearts only one basic message;
this person is the other half of my soul.
Maybe love, not just the love I had for Reese but love in general was the true key to unravelling the mysteries around us. Maybe trusting in each other is what would turn the darkness around us into light. Love was gifting me with a sense of strength and resolve that I never would have guessed I was capable of.
              In “fairy tale” stories Grandpa Logan used to tell me, a damsel in distress always patiently, but sadly waited for her Prince to rescue her from a tower, a dungeon or a cottage embedded deep in a treacherous forest. The prince would battle her captors, take her hand and run off with her to the castle he ruled. She would become his princess and they would live happily ever after. Mom never approved when Grandpa Logan would tell me stories like that. I would watch the corners of her lips tug her mouth downward into a worried frown and as she tucked me into bed she would tell me that real love was far less flighty. She told me that I did not have to worry about finding love because the government would find it for me, like it had with her and Dad and I would never be in peril because our lives were safe and calm and always would be. Now, I understood that to Mom, fairy tales were probably scary because they made us daydream about adventure. She wanted to raise me to simply be content with the world around me because she knew that would keep me safe.
             
Sorry Mom, but I can't stay in a bubble and watch my prince fade away.
             
I was not going to let myself be a damsel in distress. Yesterday, Reese had shown me his secret and I had reacted badly. I had a panic attack and he had to save me by kissing me –
okay, fine,
so I was a cliché fairy tale damsel in distress in that moment and he was my prince in every sense of the word. But that was then and this was now. Now, Reese was the one in trouble and he needed
me
to save
him
. I would have to suck it up, accept all the chaos that was behind the thick layers of whitewashed Doctrine and dig deep within myself to find the strength and courage needed to do what had to be done.

              I quietly slinked into the bathroom and softly closed the door. I would drive myself crazy for the rest of the evening wondering if the ventilation system was even a possibility if I didn't find out now. I crouched down on my knees behind the lav. The screen appeared simple enough to dislodge. I fiddled with the tiny slots until I heard something click. I pulled and off it came. The opening seemed small. My teeth sunk into my lower lip with worry. I subconsciously held my breath as I carefully stuck my head inside. The air vent was pitch black. I knew my way around my division quite easily but how was I supposed to navigate without sight? That wouldn't even matter though if it turned out that I couldn't fit my body through the vent in the first place. I tried not to allow my mind to go on a tangent while running through all of the worst-case scenarios. I could get lost. I could get stuck. I could DIE from either one of those possibilities.
             
NO. STOP. I MAY NOT EVEN FIT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
             
I eased myself further inside of the vent. I shivered at the slight sensation of the surrounding walls brushing against my shoulders, but I was in! That meant I could fit! But could I move? I stretched an arm in front of myself cautiously and then curled it backward. The sides of the vent ran across my arms but did not restrict them. It would be an extremely tight, horrifyingly claustrophobic fit, but it was feasible. I did not even want to consider doing this for so many reasons. Fear of getting stuck and of being in such a tiny enclosed space was only the beginning. Once I was in, I wasn't sure if I could ever go back. How long would it take my parents to realize I was gone (probably not until morning if I said goodnight first) and how long would it take the flatfoots to discover my absence? Would they hurt my parents? Would they torture them to try and get them to confess my whereabouts and my plan because they might assume my parents were in on it?
              I had to stop this. I was psyching myself out and getting too far ahead of myself. I tried to focus on the best possible outcome instead of imagining the multitude of ways this plan could go wrong. The best possible result would be that I crawled to the place where Reese and I found the butterfly and he was there waiting for me. Maybe his danger wasn't immediate, maybe the Order was just worried that the flatfoots might find clues about the little girl that would lead back to Reese. Why hadn't they been more detailed in the message they sent to my father? Anyway, if Reese was waiting for me, then what? Now was the time to start considering the next step. Hopefully Reese would realize the level of danger he was in. Did he even know he was in danger? If he didn't, there was no way he would be waiting for me at 'our spot.' But then he would most likely just be in his barracks, so I could find him that way and warn him. I couldn't possibly plan any further than that because I simply didn't have enough information. I commanded my brain to stop looking ahead. I closed my eyes and focused on one thought only -

              Find Reese and get him to safety.
             
I pushed my palms against the bottom of the air vent and crawled back out. I carefully replaced the screen. I would leave tonight. No more doubting, no more fears.
              I stood up and brushed off some dust that was clinging to my pants. I quietly walked into the living room. Mom was sitting on our couch paging through the weekly paper our division put out. It never actually said anything interesting. Without a word, I curled up next to her side, slid an arm through hers and rested my head on her shoulder. I didn't know if I would ever see her again. I didn't want to think in such dramatic terms but I had never faced uncertainty like this before and I didn't know how to process it very well. Just in case, I wanted the last bit of comfort I could get from my mom and I wanted her to feel my comfort as well.
              Mom set the paper down and turned her head toward me with slightly raised brows. She lifted a hand and very gently ran her fingers through my fiery hair the way she used to when I was a child. “Ruby, are you all right?” she asked softly with concern. I briefly closed my eyes. I loved Reese and I knew I had to go through with my plan to save him. Only moments earlier I made myself a promise not to question my decision. It was hard not to because I loved my mother too and I didn't want to hurt her or put her in danger. Why was there no 'good' choice in all of this? Why was there no possible decision that would ensure the safety of everyone I loved? “Ruby?” I blinked and looked up at her with a badly performed smile.
              “I'm okay. I just miss this. I miss being little.” Mom kissed the top of my head.
              “I miss you being little, too. You were such a precious little girl who is growing up to be a beautiful, intelligent woman. Connor is a lucky man.” I paused.
Connor
. I had barely even thought of him after leaving our mandatory 'date.' Should I be thinking about him? I knew I did not, and probably would not ever love him but with my future and even my life at risk because of what I was about to do, what would happen to him? I sighed softly. Strangely, it was Grandpa Logan's voice I heard in my head in the next moments.
             
Do what your heart tells you to do, Ruby. It's the only truth behind all of the lies and it's the only way to make things right.
             
My grandfather had been gone for six long years but his encouragement in my dreams and all the ways in which he believed in me still echoed in my mind and heart. His influence was still helping to shape the person I was growing up to be. I was lucky to have known him.
              “I wish I didn't have to grow up,” I said quietly, longingly. My mom's body was warm and comforting. I was tempted to forget about my mission and pretend like the world I knew was not crumbling down around me. But
it was
. I slowly sat up and shifted my eyes.
              “We all grow up sweetie, but you're not being taken away from me just yet. We still have two more years together.” It was both saddening and comforting to know that my mom actually viewed the parts of Doctrine that dictated the mating rules as negative. It meant she was not in complete denial. It meant that maybe there was some part of her that could someday understand why I had to do what I was about to do. I leaned against her side again and curled my arms around her waist to give her a hug. She returned the hug fiercely, as if this were the last time she would ever hug me. I knew she didn't realize just how accurate that could possibly be. I made a special point to treasure this memory in as much detail as I could take in because, just in case, I wanted to remember my mom exactly this way. I wanted to remember her soft-spoken voice, her love for me, and her albeit unintentional admittance that things weren't as comforting as they seemed here in The Complex even if she hid that knowledge behind a concrete wall of fear. If any of the worst-case scenarios happened for me, I wanted my loss to give her the strength she needed to defeat her fear. If something happened to me I wanted Dad to be able to tell her the truth so she could become his ally, join the Order and discover all the things that are hidden from us.
              “I know.” I replied with emptiness. I allowed myself another few moments with my mother. I shut out the world and I was grateful for her unconditional love. Then I raised my head, slid quietly away from her and forced my brain back into the adult role it had no choice but to take on.
              I was distant with my parents for the rest of the evening. I wasn't trying to purposely avoid them but I had a hard time looking at them knowing that whatever way this played out, our lives were about to change. I took out a piece of paper and scribbled in the smallest, but clearest writing I could manage,
'Take care of Mom.'
             
Mom retreated to her chambers and Dad was still couch-bound even though his sneezing and stuffed nose had receded. I tried to act as casually as I could as I entered the kitchen and filled my water bottle. I opened our refrigerator and took out a banana, and then grabbed a cookie from the cupboard. I turned to Dad, gave him a goodnight hug and retreated to my own chambers. I closed the door softly behind me. I wasn't hungry but I ate the cookie and the banana anyway just to fill my stomach because if this mission went badly and I wasn't able to return here, who knew when my next meal would be? Of course, if I got caught and put to sleep that wouldn't matter, but...
             
You can't think like that.
             
I pressed my lips together and waited. I concentrated on trying to shut my brain down which seemed like a nearly impossible task.
             
Get to Reese. Protect him. Make sure he's safe.
             
I couldn't let myself think past that. I couldn't start considering all of the possibilities or consequences or I would lose my nerve. It was getting late. Mom should be asleep by now. I wasn't sure about Dad. It was almost time. It was now or never. My heartbeat quickened. I tucked the note into my bra, grabbed my water bottle and very carefully tiptoed into the hall. I held my breath as I peeked my head around the corner into the living room. It was quite dark but I could make out my fathers silhouette. I could hear his breath, slow and steady with the tiniest hint of a snore. He was asleep.
              It was TIME.
              My heartbeat quickened even more. I bit my lower lip and curled my fingernails into my palms. I had to stay calm. No more of this panic attack crap. Frankly, I didn't have time for it. I had to face all of these fears and unknowns and I had to face them now. I drew my shoulders back. I took a deep breath in and then slowly let it out through my nose. That seemed to help. I was still nearly shaking with nerves, but I was handling it. I took another slow breath in, and another until I felt more confident. I turned and tiptoed to the bathroom. I slipped inside and closed the door as quietly as I could. I stood as still as a statue but I didn't hear anyone stirring. I opened the vanity mirror and pulled out a hair binder. My fingers smoothed over my thick red strands and pulled them backwards before wrapping the binder around them. I twisted the binder and pulled my hair through it again before pushing the binder against my scalp so my ponytail would remain tight and keep my hair out of my face. Then, I bent down behind the lav and felt the wall until my fingers grazed across the screen. I found the clasps and pulled on them until the screen popped off. Where could I put this so my parents might not notice if they were half awake and needed to come in here? I wanted to prolong them finding out I had gone for as long as possible. I slipped it behind the lav and prayed they wouldn't be observant until … unless … they had to be. I got down on my knees. My whole body shook and I had to take another few deep, calming breaths just to steady myself. I knew my way around. If the vents mirrored the hallways, I could do this. I picked up my small water bottle and tucked it between my breasts before pulling out the small piece of paper.
             
It's up to you, Dad.
             
I folded it up and placed it in the corner of the vent.
             
Goodbye, barracks.
             
I couldn't decide if it was better to hope that I would see these barracks again or if the best outcome would be if I never had to return, so I tried to shut down that part of my brain that wanted to turn confusion into fear. I scooted my arms forward, ducked my head and climbed into the vent. The impression of my knees against the – metal? Aluminum? I wasn't even sure what they were made out of - felt almost squishy. I paused. What if the vent couldn’t hold my weight?
             
Slow down, don't get all panicky.
             
I had never seen the vents just freely, they were obviously adjacent to the walls. I shook that thought away and very slowly began to move forward. The view in front of me was literally pitch black. I had no sight whatsoever so I would have to rely on touch and memory alone.
             
Reese. Just hold on, wherever you are. I'm coming.
             
My barracks were at the end of our particular residential hallway. There were nine more barracks on our right before the hallway split. I could only pray that the vent openings veering off toward each barrack were synonymous with the number of barracks, it was the only chance I had to navigate correctly. Moving was slower than I had anticipated. There wasn't enough room for me to be upright on my hands and knees so I had to bend and scoot at an awkward angle. After a few minutes, I had only passed two doors and the fear of being in such an enclosed, constricted space was trying its best to force me into panic-mode.
             
NO!
             
Panicking was not going to get me out of this space. Thrashing would not magically break down its walls and set me free. If I allowed a panic attack to take me over in here, I could die. That thought did not help in keeping me calm. I scooted my fingers forward along the right side of the vent and then I felt it; another passage.
Three doors
. The going was slow, but steady. I was fairly positive I knew exactly what was beside me. I closed my eyes and although the darkness was the same either way, with my eyelids lowered I could make out the faint image of Reese's silhouette. I focused on the way his well-defined jaw tightened when he was determined and the way his cheek bones twitched when he was antsy. I would see him again for real, and soon. That's why I was risking my life. All of this was for him.
              I opened my eyes and continued forward slowly in the confined darkness. F
our doors. Five doors. Six doors
. How long had I been crawling? It was probably only a few minutes but it felt like an eternity. Was it getting warmer? Was the air getting thinner? No, that was just fear trying to lie to me again. I kept going.
Seven. Eight
. I was almost to the end of the hallway! The flatfoot was somewhere  near me, I was sure of it. Would he hear me crawling? I was being quiet. Once I felt the ninth door, I paused. I would have to take the following left, but would the vent stop in front of me and tee off like the actual hallway did? If not, how would I be positive I was making the correct turn? I would just have to trust my instincts. I winced as my knees started to ache a bit. I wanted to stretch out my body so I could limber up my muscles but the knowledge that I was in such a small space that I couldn't was trying again to escalate my fear into panic. I paused again, closed my eyes and allowed Reese to appear in front of me. The shape of his face gave me comfort. I continued. I dragged my fingertips along the left side of the wall this time until I felt a new opening. I bit my lower lip and very tentatively reached in front of me. It still seemed like the vent went forward.
             
Crap.
             
How was I supposed to know if this was the right opening? I pressed my knee against the bottom of the vent and crept forward just a bit more, reaching, and then I felt it! An aluminum wall! YES! Yes yes
YES
! I knew where I was! I carefully pushed myself backwards and felt around the opening again. It was one thing to crawl backwards and forwards in such a small space, but how was I supposed to make a 90 degree turn without basically contorting my body? This was not going to be easy. I briefly considered rolling over onto my side and or even onto my back and wiggling myself in but the fear of getting turtled – being on my back and potentially not having enough space to flip myself over to my hands and knees - was way too horrifying. I rotated my shoulders and started to bend forward. I pushed my knees down against the bottom of the vent and crawled forward some more, but my knee hit the side. I crawled forward again and angled my ribcage. This was NOT comfortable but it seemed like it was going to work. I scooted forward again and felt my knee scraping against the wall. So what? I pushed down on it harder until out of seemingly nowhere, something sharp jabbed right into my calf! My whole body jerked in response and my arms flailed, banging against the walls with a helpless echo. I bit down hard on my lower lip to keep from yelping. My instinct was to curl my leg upward and feel my calf to see what hurt me and how bad it was but when I tried, the walls were too narrow. My body started to tremble. I bit down harder on my lower lip. I could feel my eyes moistening with tears. Not being able to see what just ripped through my flesh was terrifying. Not being able to freely move my body was even worse. I was trying so hard to do this but it was starting to overwhelm me and I didn't know how much longer I could keep myself together, or what would happen to me when I no longer could.