“Only you’re hotter!” a guy at the front of the crowd shouted. A few people laughed and clapped, and I rolled my eyes. It felt inevitable at this point that we’d get interruptions like that.
But Sarah reacted differently. She glanced up, located the boy who’d shouted, and stared at him for a long while, almost to the point of discomfort. I noticed her jaw had tensed. At last, she looked away, took a deep breath, and put her note cards back in her pocket.
“Actually, you know what?” she began again, diplomatic tone gone. “
This
is why we need a lesbian couple to win this thing. Because of stuff like this. But it doesn’t mean anything for us to just win it. Any idiot can just vote for two girls he has no respect for just because he thinks they’re hot. We need people to vote for us because they recognize that we’re no different from anyone else.
I’m
no different from anyone else, Katie’s no different from anyone else, and neither are any of the other gay kids that go to our school. And they deserve the same respect that all human beings do. They deserve the same respect that they were given before they came out. I’m
the
same person
I was before I told everyone I was bisexual!”
She paused, then, and this time the crowd was silent. I watched her take a deep breath, and then shake her head. “No, that’s a lie. I’m a better person. Before I fell for Katie, I thought the same way I’m sure plenty of you all do. I thought gay guys were shopping buddies and I thought gay girls had it easy. But I happen to know that my friend Jake hates shopping, and these past few months have been the hardest of my life. Being gay isn’t easy. Being bi isn’t easy. I wasn’t exactly loved by everyone before I came out, but I didn’t know that I could be hated by as many people as I’ve felt hated by since. And I didn’t do anything! I just loved another girl.” She looked to me, and I stared back. I couldn’t look away. There was something in her eyes I’d never seen before. “I just love another girl,” she corrected quietly. “I’m so sick of being punished for it.”
The crowd faded into the background as I looked back at her. No one else existed; the dozens of pairs of eyes staring at us were gone. This speech, I knew, was the most honest she’d been since we’d started this whole charade, and I could see an openness in her face that I hadn’t seen in a long time. I was caught up in the moment and even more caught up in her. She was looking at me like… like…
I kissed her.
Really
kissed her. Not a nervous first kiss in front of thirteen strangers. Not a peck in the hallway. Not even a passionate make out session like the one we’d had in the bedroom at Justin Barnes’s party. It was like time had stopped. My hands were on her cheeks, drawing her closer, and hers fumbled for my waist. She hadn’t been expecting it; I’d caught her off-guard. But she was kissing me back anyway. Was it for the crowd, or…?
We parted before I was ready and she moved in to kiss me again, catching my bottom lip between both of hers. I forced myself to stop thinking. Sarah was kissing me and I could feel her whole body pressed into mine and she was
still
kissing me and she was so soft and
still
kissing me and I never wanted to stop.
But we did. We parted to catcalls and wolf-whistles and my heart promptly sank back to my stomach again. Jake moved in awkwardly and took the microphone from Sarah, offering the crowd a meek wave. “Alright, thanks for coming, guys! Vote for Katie and Sarah!” And then, when the crowd had begun to disperse, he shot the two of us an amused look; a silent “
Really
?”
“I have to go,” Sarah mumbled, and hurried away from me without another word.
“Shit,” I hissed. I tried to follow her, but the crowd caved in around me and made it impossible. Jake caught my arm and moved to walk into the school with me.
“What was that?” he asked. I colored.
“The kiss? We were just- I just thought-”
“Not the kiss; I
get
the kiss. What I don’t get is why Sarah looked so spooked afterward.”
“It’s complicated,” I told him, because “
she just realized that I love her and now I kissed her like the world was about to end and she feels too guilty to turn me down”
seemed like an inappropriate explanation.
Jake shook his head. “Girls. Thank God I’m gay. I’ll see you later?”
“Definitely,” I confirmed with a nod of my head. As soon as he was gone, I let the panic I felt fully set in. As hard as it would be, there was only one thing I could do now: apologize until I was blue in the face.
Sarah avoided me for the duration of the day. She even skipped lunch so that she wouldn’t have to see me. As the hours wore on, I was more and more confident that I’d ruined our friendship.
“I should’ve let her initiate the kiss,” I murmured to myself as I walked out to the school parking lot at three o’clock that day. “I’m such an idiot.”
“Hey! Katie!”
I paused, wincing to myself as a voice called out to me. Who would it be this time? Jake, here to insist on more Winter Formal advertising? Austin, with more love life advice? Sarah, ready to dump me and end our friendship once and for all?
Jessa jogged up to me, only slightly out of breath, and looked somewhat exasperated as she handed me a piece of paper. “Jake wanted me to give this to you. Show it to Sarah, too. It’s another idea for a flier.”
“I really don’t care,” I deadpanned. “Print whatever you want. Paste it on every locker. I’m just sick of seeing those pictures of Sarah and I.”
“Damn, with all that bitterness you had to have gotten dumped,” she guessed. “That sucks. Could’ve sworn she was into you.”
“Yeah, well, she’s been avoiding me all day, so I guess you have to settle for me being miserable. I just want to win those crowns and get it over with.”
“How’d you screw up?” she asked, looking genuinely curious.
“What do you care? You don’t even like me, remember?”
“Yeah, but I enjoy lesbian drama every now and then.”
“She’s not a lesbian.”
“Well, obviously.”
I rolled my eyes, eager to get away from her. “Look, we had a moment in her bedroom the day before I came to you about all of this. I was afraid she’d figure out I liked her so I tried to back off a little, but we had another moment at the rally when I kissed her and she freaked. So now she knows I like her and doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“That doesn’t sound like the reaction of a good friend to me,” Jessa pointed out, amused.
“Yeah, well… maybe you were right, then. Maybe she’s not a good friend.”
“I don’t believe you really think that for a second.” She folded her arms across her chest and smirked. “God, you’re dumb. This is painful to watch, honestly.”
“Then go. I don’t have time for this.” I shoved the flier into her hands and turned away.
“You should go talk to her.”
“Tried that,” I called back as I walked away. “Like I said: She’s avoiding me.”
“So go to her house. I’ll give you a ride.”
I paused and turned to face her, raising an eyebrow. Her arms were crossed again, and she wouldn’t quite look at me. My other eyebrow went up. “Wow. Jessa Underwood has a heart?”
“Shut up. You know I get something out of this.”
“We can win the crown either way, fight or no fight,” I pointed out. “You want us to make up.”
“I want you to
shut up
,” she repeated. “Look. As much bad as you guys have done… you’re doing some good, too. You two
actually
falling in love with each other would fall under that category. This is totally selfish on my part. It benefits the rest of us.”
“You know… maybe you and Sarah would get along better than you think,” I remarked.
She looked unconvinced. “Yeah? Why is that?”
I tilted my head to the side and smirked back at her. “You’re both overly fond of happy endings.”
As soon as I was out of her car, Jessa put the gear into reverse and began to back out of Sarah’s driveway. “Wait,” I called after her, panicking. “How am I supposed to get home?”
“I guess we’ll find out,” she replied, winking at me. I grit my teeth, mentally cursing her as she drove away.
Given that my house was several miles away and I was lacking a vehicle, I couldn’t back out now. Sarah’s house loomed overhead, suddenly looking about twice its usual height. Intimidated, I took several moments before I finally forced myself to go knock on the front door. Sarah’s parents, as usual, weren’t home, and so it was up to her to answer. Therefore I wasn’t very surprised when no one came to the door.
Sighing, I settled down on the ground, my back against the door, and rummaged through my purse until I found my cell phone. My mom would be home from work soon, and I wasn’t too far away. She’d be willing to come pick me up.
I sighed, abandoning that plan abruptly. She’d know Sarah hadn’t been willing to give me a ride home, and then I’d never hear the end of questions from her. Jake provided the same dilemma. But maybe Austin was an option.
I only hesitated for a moment before I dialed his number. He picked up on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Austin. It’s Katie.”
There was a short pause before he replied. “Katie? Hey…”
“Look, I just… I’m kind of stuck somewhere and…” I shook my head, realizing how stupid I sounded. I’d dumped him. Now I wanted his help because it was convenient. “I’m sorry,” I amended. “Never mind. Don’t worry about it.”
“It’s cool, Katie. What’s going on? Do you need a ride?”
“I can probably just ask my mom,” I insisted, although I knew I wouldn’t.
“It’s seriously fine. I just got home; I’m not doing anything.”
As he spoke, I sighed aloud again. Mid-sigh, the front door swung open and I fell backwards, my sigh morphing into a gasp of surprise. Lying on my back, I saw Sarah standing over me, her eyebrows furrowed.
“Um… I’ve gotta go. I swear I’ll be fine; I’ll text you if I end up needing your help, okay?”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. Bye.” I hung up and hurried to my feet as Sarah closed her front door behind me. Her cheeks were tear-stained and her eyes were red-rimmed. She’d been crying, and I didn’t understand why.
“Why would you come here?” she asked me.
I bit down on my lip. My heart was already starting to pound. She was starting in on me like
I
was the one she expected to be antagonistic. “I just wanted to talk,” I murmured, feeling very, very small.
“So talk.”
I glanced to her eyes again to see that her gaze had hardened. Maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea after all. “I uh… I get why you’d want to push me away, okay? But… I still want to be your friend. That’s all we have to be, right? It’s like you said… we can just get through the dance and then start the breakup stuff.” I waited with baited breath for her answer. Her gaze stayed on the floor and she sighed.
“Then why would you kiss me the way you did at the rally today?”
I swallowed hard. “I was just caught up in the moment. I didn’t mean for you to get upset-”
“Well, I did,” she cut in harshly. “I feel like you used me because you want to win the crowns so that Jessa won’t tell everyone the truth.”
I shook my head. Now she was officially not making any sense. “What?”
“Putting on a big show in front of the crowd like that,” she clarified, sniffling quietly. “I was trying hard to be honest today. I meant everything I said, and I meant that kiss. But I saw the way you were looking at me, Katie. You were totally spooked.”
“
You
were spooked,” I corrected, and then shook my head again. “Wait,
what
?” Meant what she said? Meant
the kiss?
“You love me?” I asked, dumbfounded. “But I love you.”
“No,
I
love- what?”
We stared at each other, Sarah, for all her intelligence, about two steps behind me. I felt a grin pull at the corners of my lips.
God
, was I dumb. “Sarah, I love you. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure out. I spent a lot of time panicking and denying it because I was worried about getting rejected. I thought you were into Sam.”
“I was.” She shook her head, wide-eyed, and corrected, “I mean, I thought I was… until I kissed you. Sam was just another cute guy after that. I only hooked up with him because I thought you didn’t like me.”
“But I told you I didn’t think you should be with him,” I pointed out, my mind reeling. This felt like a dream. Maybe it was. I pinched myself to check, and let out a sigh of relief when it hurt. We were actually having this conversation.
Sarah, more than anything, just looked amused now. “No, that’s not what happened, Katie.
I
tried to bring up the kiss.
I
tried to bring up the party. I even asked you if you really thought it was a good thing that I was talking to Sam!”