Daughters of the Mersey (7 page)

‘Why can’t you be satisfied?’ he raged. ‘I’ve given you everything I could. I’ve tried as hard as I could for you and the kids. I’m sorry I ever set eyes on you.’

She knew she had to keep her temper. ‘Do you want me to leave?’ she asked quietly. ‘If I go, I want to take the children.’

‘No, I’m not having that. My children stay with me. I’ll divorce you,’ he grated. ‘Adultery is grounds for divorce and you’re the guilty one. No court would give you custody of the children.’

‘Steve, I am the guilty one but I think they might give me custody. Would a court of law think you were capable of looking after them? You can’t look after yourself. You couldn’t cook a meal for yourself. You’ve never done a hand’s turn about the house.’

‘Mrs Killen does most of that. She can carry on.’

‘For how long d’you think she’d put up with your bad temper? I’m always making excuses for you. Anyway, without my earnings you couldn’t afford her.’

‘I’d find more money from somewhere.’

‘You’d need to buy the food and give her some guidance as to what you want done with it. You’ve always shut yourself
away in your study and expected to have everything ready when you want it. That wouldn’t work if I wasn’t here.’

‘Stop going on at me, how d’you expect me to get to sleep after this?’ He turned over and pulled the bedclothes up round him.

‘I don’t want you to go to sleep just yet,’ she said softly. ‘Please stay awake and think about the future. I’ve told you what the position is. Now I want to know how you feel about it.’

‘I’m bloody shocked,’ he burst out. ‘I can’t believe you’d do this to me.’

‘I know I did wrong and I’m very sorry, but what do you want to do now?’ Leonie was shaking.

She could see he needed a few minutes by himself to think. ‘I’m going to make us a cup of tea,’ she said. ‘We’re both in need of it.’

She went to the kitchen feeling agitated but at the same time relieved to have it all out in the open. She hoped Steve would decide on divorce because that would mean she could marry Nick.

When she returned with the tea, she found he’d put his lamp out and pulled the bedclothes over his head. She could hear him snuffling.

‘Steve, have you decided?’ She put his tea on his bedside table, took off her dressing gown and got into bed. Only then did she realise he was weeping.

‘Don’t leave me, Leonie,’ he sobbed. ‘Please don’t leave me. I’ll forgive you. I’ll be a father to this baby, just as I am to June and Miles. Don’t take them away. I want us to stay together, nothing need change. I know I’ve made things hard for you at times and I’m sorry for that. I’ll try
to be better tempered, and take you and the children out sometimes. I don’t want a divorce. You know I’m not well. I need you here.’ He blew his nose hard. ‘I want us to stay together.’

Leonie’s heart sank. That brought back to her the promise she’d made to his father years ago. ‘Promise me, Leonie,’ he’d said, ‘that you’ll never give up on him. Promise me you’ll never leave him.’

‘I won’t, Edward. I promise,’ she’d said. She’d meant it too. She put out her light and sank back on her pillows.

‘You’re my wife,’ Steve said still tearful. ‘You promised before God that we’d stay together until death do us part.’

‘Yes,’ she admitted. ‘I did.’

Steve felt he was touching bottom, caught up in despair so deep there was no way out. He felt unloved, unwanted and useless. Leonie had told him as bold as brass that she’d betrayed him and taken a lover. That hurt like hell, he hadn’t expected it of her. He’d trusted her but even Leonie didn’t love him any more.

He’d had setbacks before. In fact, things had rarely gone well for him. He spent a lot of time alone in his study so as not to make a mess in the living room and be thought a nuisance, and he’d come to believe that if he opted out of making decisions and left the action to others, less could go wrong.

That had made him adopt a safe routine like a transparent capsule through which he could look out at life. For years he’d visited George Courtney in the shop on Friday afternoons to discuss progress, but business methods were changing and he didn’t really understand what was going on there. He went no more than once
a month now, it had become a social visit; he got there early and George took him out for lunch.

Today, like most weekdays, he stayed in bed until eleven and then he strapped on his false leg and struggled as far as a pub nearby called the Great Eastern, to have a glass of beer. It had been named after Isambard Kingdom Brunel’s ill-fated ship which had been broken up on the beach not far away.

During the break-up, the remains of a body believed to be of a workman was found walled up in the hold. It was thought to have been there since the ship was built in 1858. Some of the ship’s fittings, the doors, panelling and the fancy glass from the main saloon had been used to furnish the pub. Steve liked the place, it had been touched by history and it had survived. But his marriage had not. He’d felt sick with shock since Leonie had told him she was pregnant. She’d had no shame, yet he’d had to plead with her not to leave him. He wasn’t sure he could trust her to stay.

The Great Eastern opened at half past eleven and the regulars were gathering when he arrived. They all passed the time of day with him. Usually, he quite enjoyed the company of Alfred Williams, a retired tug master, and Walter Duggan who’d spent his working life on a dredger. They called him Mr Dransfield while they were Williams and Duggan to him. As far as Steve was concerned, the pub was the only place where people paid him respect these days.

They tried to make him feel welcome. Duggan got up to buy him a drink as soon as he walked in. Williams indicated the seat next to him. Steve was always careful to return the hospitality when their glasses were empty, though he had to ignore the fact that they drank pints of bitter while his was only a half. Today, their chatter bored
him. They had nothing new to talk about, it had become too much of a habit.

When the one o’clock gun boomed across the Mersey, they drained their glasses, said goodbye and went home to a hot dinner cooked by their wives. Steve toyed with the thought of another glass of beer but his stomach was turning sour. He limped home to an empty house. It wasn’t Mrs Killen’s day to come so he’d have to forage for something to eat.

If Leonie went he wouldn’t be able to manage. He felt despairing. Life seemed so hopeless, so futile.

Leonie saw the future as bleak. She felt very much in love with Nick and was going to miss him terribly, but she’d known all along that staying with Steve was the right thing, he was her husband. To see him weep and plead with her to stay had prodded her conscience. It would be impossible to go to Nick, take Milo and June with her and leave him on his own.

Steve said several times in the days that followed, ‘Please stop seeing that man. You’ll never settle down until you show him the door.’

He heaped blame on Nick. He’d seduced her, dragged her into an affair, and he said some nasty things about him. Steve was jealous, but she’d given him reason to be.

She found Steve’s words and his manner painful but knew he was right. She couldn’t carry on a double life as she had. It had been exhausting and there had been times when her neck had crawled with guilt.

One afternoon after Elaine had gone home and Ida was sewing downstairs and looking after the shop, Nick came in and Leonie took him up to the sitting room and poured all her grief out to
him. He put his arms round her and she wept.

‘It isn’t what I want,’ he said, ‘and it isn’t what you want either. Don’t stop me coming to see you. You’re having my child . . . Leonie, I want to stay near you. You might need my help over the coming months. I love you and I want to see this child safely born. Please don’t send me away until it is.’

‘Steve wants to believe it’s his.’

‘The truth is,’ Nick said sadly, ‘a child by me is not only your disaster but mine too. I wanted us to go on as we were, to be happy . . .’

‘We were happy, we were in love.’

He shook his head. ‘But I’ve brought you nothing but trouble.’

She said sadly, ‘Giving me a baby – it tells the world we’re in love. We’ve been caught out, haven’t we? It’s embarrassing for us and for Steve.’

Nick’s arms tightened round her. ‘It’s happened,’ he said. ‘We’re bringing another person into this world and there’s no way out of that.’

‘I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl. Odd to think it’s already decided.’

‘If it’s a girl,’ Nick said, ‘I’d like her to have your name. What could be prettier than Leonora?’

She tried to smile. ‘It’s too much of a mouthful and gets shortened to Leonie or Nora. It would be all right as a second name.’

‘What about Amy Leonora then?’

She pulled a face. ‘Sounds better the other way round, Leonora Amy.’

‘That’s it then.’

‘What I’d really like would
be to name her Nicola after you but I can’t, and if it’s a boy, I can’t give him your name. For Steve, that would be like a red rag to a bull.’

‘I do understand, love.’ Nick paused. ‘Things have gone too far, haven’t they? We love each other too much to part now, especially when soon we’ll be a family.’

‘You mustn’t say that.’ Leonie shook her head. ‘Once this is over, when the baby is born and we are both well, you and I must stop seeing each other. You must forget about me and the baby.’

‘If that’s what you want, then I’ll try,’ Nick said quietly, ‘but I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I’ll always love you. You can change your mind at any time and come and live with me.’

W
ITH SUPPORT FROM THE
Cliffords, Nick had
started his own practice in an office in Chester and had taken one or two clients with him. He was painstakingly trying to attract more. He’d bought a house in the suburbs some months ago and Elaine had helped him furnish it. But over the next weeks he found it impossible to get on with his work, his mind kept churning. What problems he’d created for himself and Leonie!

He opened the file in front of him on his desk and tried to concentrate but yet again he was reading the same paragraph over and over and couldn’t make sense of it.

Tom’s family had brought him up to do what was morally right but in starting an affair with Leonie, he’d fallen from the high standards they’d set for him and he felt ashamed. He’d seen Leonie struggling with a difficult marriage. She’d seemed so vulnerable and he couldn’t stop his love for her growing. It had very soon been out of control but for her to bear his child now was a disaster for them all. When she decided the right thing to do was to stay with Steve, he couldn’t argue against it.

Elaine had told him openly that Leonie’s happiness lay with him. ‘Steve doesn’t appreciate her,’ she said. ‘She has a terrible life with him. Don’t let her do this.’

He couldn’t stop
her.

He had so wanted what most other men achieve with ease, a wife and children of his own, but for him it was not to be. He’d lived through bereavement and loss once and it had been raw and agonising. In some ways this felt worse because he knew Marianne and her baby would be with him if they could, but Leonie had chosen not to be.

Leonie knew her future without Nick would be bleak, and the first months were indeed very painful. She was overwhelmed by a sense of loss and grief. She told herself she had to stop thinking about him and the best way to achieve that was to keep so busy that she had little time for herself.

After the baby, a girl, was born, she went back to work at the shop and took Amy with her. That way, she could look after both her child and her business. In fact Amy was not difficult to look after during the first six months. She slept a lot in her pram and Ida was more than happy to pick her up and play with her if she cried.

Life with Steve never did settle back to the way it had been. She knew she’d destroyed the relationship she’d had with him for ever. He remained angry and suspicious and couldn’t forgive her. If she was late coming home, he’d remind her that she’d promised never to leave him. He tried to ignore the baby, but Leonie could see him watching closely while she fed her. She knew Steve no longer trusted her, but eventually, they seemed to achieve an uneasy truce.

Leonie told herself life wasn’t all bad, and if she could put her grief behind her there were compensations. She had her children, she had her business, she had her friend Elaine and most of
all she had baby Amy. She mustn’t forget that Amy was part of Nick and if she couldn’t have him, then his child was the next best thing and a great comfort to her.

She knew Nick still regularly visited Tom and Elaine. Elaine said, ‘He can get you a divorce, Leonie, if that’s what you want. He’d do anything to have you as his wife. Being together would sort you both out.’

Leonie shook her head. ‘I know but I can’t walk out on my two older children and I can’t strip Steve of everything.’

Elaine had been more interested in furthering her career in the fashion world when she was first married but Leonie knew she and Tom were now trying for a baby, so when a few months later, Elaine told her she was pregnant, she was delighted for her. Elaine sought her advice about pregnancy, childbirth and childcare and she was glad to help where she could.

Three months before the birth, Elaine’s pregnancy was diagnosed as twins and to start with that made her anxious, but when Dulcie and Lucas were born, she was over the moon that she had a boy and a girl.

‘We’ve got our family now,’ she told Leonie. ‘We wanted two children and I feel lucky I don’t have to go through another pregnancy to get them.’

But she found looking after two babies very hard work and had to find a live-in nanny to help her. Nanny Bridge was a capable middle-aged spinster who had built her life round caring for other people’s children. Elaine continued to spend a good deal of her time working in her room above the shop and she couldn’t help but notice that as Amy grew older and slept less, it was not so easy for Leonie to care for her there.

One lunchtime, as they were having a cup of tea and a sandwich on the sofa
in the living room, Amy was learning to walk and kept pushing her dog on wheels into their legs.