“Family’s a pain in the ass anyway, right? If I could get out of it, I would. I’ve gotta take the bus to Cleveland and then spend three days with my sister’s bratty kids.”
Lucas dried a glass methodically. “Yeah, it’ll be nice not to have to deal with that,” he lied.
“You should go to the party Kurt’s having. It’s going to be major. Tons of hot guys will be there.” Casey waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “You should go pick one up and have fun. Or hell, pick two up.”
Lucas smiled uneasily. “You wouldn’t mind?” Casey wanted him to go pick up some random guy. Or
guys.
“Why would I mind?” Casey looked at him and his smile dropped a bit. “Hey, you know we’re not, like, serious, right? I love hanging out with you, but we’re not a
couple
. I’m way too young for commitment.”
“Oh, no, I know!” Lucas picked up a plate and dried it vigorously. “I was just making sure. That we’re on the same page and everything.” He felt foolish, and his cheeks burned. Of course they weren’t exclusive.
“Okay, great. I wouldn’t want you pining away all on your lonesome.” He grinned and plunged the casserole dish into the soapy water. “This one’s got to soak. Whatever will we do to keep ourselves busy in the meantime?”
Lucas laughed and played along, and tried not to think.
* * * * *
Pacing back and forth on the sidewalk, Lucas reached into his pocket for the crumpled piece of paper with Kurt’s address. Judging by the music and laughter he could hear coming from one of the upper floors in the small walk-up building, he was in the right place.
After studiously avoiding everything associated with Thanksgiving -- turkey, pumpkin pie, football on TV -- by holing up his apartment, Lucas had decided to take Casey’s advice and go have some fun. It was Friday night and the weekend still stretched out before him. At least he was getting outside for a bit.
Lucas tried not to think about what Nate and the Kramers were doing, but it was like trying not to think of a pink elephant. He imagined them playing Scrabble or watching a movie together while Mrs. Kramer fed them more food than they could possibly ever eat.
“What’s so funny?”
Lucas snapped to attention and found a cute guy standing a few feet away on the sidewalk. “Huh?”
“You’re just standing there smiling to yourself.” He brushed his bangs away from his eyes. He was tall and dark haired and had cheekbones that could cut glass.
“Oh, I was just thinking about something. Sorry.” Lucas had no idea why he was apologizing.
“I’m Ethan.” He extended his hand.
Lucas took it and smiled. “Lucas. Nice to meet you.”
“You here for Kurt’s party?”
“Yeah, I am, actually. I was just…” Lucas tried to think of something that sounded better than saying he was working up the courage to go inside.
Thankfully, Ethan saved him the trouble. “Come on, it’s freezing out here.” He clapped Lucas on the shoulder and led the way up to the party.
The small, fifth-floor apartment was crammed to the gills with college students. The crowd seemed mixed, although Lucas spotted a lesbian couple kissing in the corner and a couple of guys getting cozy by the microwave.
Ethan seemed to know a lot of the people, and he introduced Lucas around and saved him from being a wallflower. Lucas found himself actually enjoying himself, and the wine and beer went down easily. Two rounds of Jell-O shooters later, he was feeling rather light-headed.
As Lucas waited in line for the bathroom, Ethan appeared and tugged on his elbow. “Come on, there’s another bathroom through Kurt’s bedroom.”
Kurt’s bedroom was occupied by a couple of indeterminate gender who were groaning on top of the pile of coats. Ethan and Lucas giggled and scurried into the tiny bathroom, quickly shutting the door before they turned on the light.
“You go first,” Ethan offered.
Lucas said thanks and self-consciously unzipped his pants. He stood in front of the toilet and waited. Of course, nothing happened, and Lucas felt like an idiot. He really did have to go, but standing there with Ethan watching him, his bladder refused to cooperate.
“Want me to turn on the tap?” Ethan laughed. “Here.” He twisted the faucet.
Thankfully, it worked, and Lucas sighed with relief. After he zipped up, he left the water running while Ethan took his turn. Glancing in the mirror above the sink, Lucas realized he had a clear view of Ethan’s dick. And what a view it was.
Lucas tore his gaze upward and met Ethan’s eyes in the mirror. Lucas stammered. “Sorry. I, um, I didn’t mean to…” He waved his hand around uselessly.
Laughing, Ethan flushed the toilet and turned around, his cock still hanging out. “Why do you think I brought you in here?”
Then they were kissing, and Lucas was pressed up against the bathroom door. He and Ethan rubbed against each other, and it wasn’t long before Lucas’s pants were undone and Ethan had both their cocks gripped in his hand, rubbing them together as they made out.
They both got off with just the handjob and afterward crept back through Kurt’s bedroom to the party. Lucas did a few more shots and Ethan wrote his number on Lucas’s palm with a pen from some girl’s purse.
The next morning, Lucas stared at his hand as he lay in bed. Ethan was a nice guy, and they’d had fun at the party. He was gorgeous, and funny, and there was really only one thing wrong with him.
Lucas rolled to the end of the bed and walked the two steps into the bathroom. Lathering up the soap, he washed his hands thoroughly, rinsing away Ethan’s number.
* * * * *
Late for class, Lucas hurried into the arts building. He’d almost reached his sociology classroom when he spotted Nate. Lucas hesitated for only a moment before he abandoned all thoughts of going to the lecture.
He followed Nate through the hustle and bustle of the corridor, gaining on him as Nate approached the library. Lucas wasn’t even sure why he was following him, but he felt a magnetic pull.
Inside the library, Nate waited a minute in line to use one of the catalog computers. Lucas hovered by the check-out desk, pretending to peruse a brochure. Now wearing his reading glasses, Nate tapped at the keyboard briefly before heading into the stacks. Lucas followed after a few moments. Endless rows of books awaited, and he had no idea where Nate had gone. Besides, this was ridiculous behavior, he told himself.
He was about to leave when he heard Nate’s sharp tone. “You’re stalking me now?”
Lucas turned to find Nate, arms crossed, waiting for his response. “No! I mean, I guess. I didn’t mean to.”
Nate barked out an incredulous laugh. “You never ‘mean to,’ do you?”
“Shh!” A stern-faced woman approached. “Lower your voices or take it outside.”
They both murmured apologies. After the woman disappeared back into the maze of books, Nate kept his voice low. “What do you want from me?”
“I want to talk to you. I want to see you. I want…
you
.”
“Then why are you with him?”
Lucas wished he had a good answer. Why
was
he with Casey? “I don’t know.”
Nate took off his glasses and methodically cleaned the lenses with the square of soft material he always kept in his pocket. “I was just starting to think that I was being too hard on you. Then I saw you with
him
.”
Lucas felt nauseated. He’d ruined everything.
Nate folded the cleaner and placed it back in his pocket before slipping his glasses back on. He straightened. “I could forgive a bathroom blowjob, but not that. Not when you lied. Denied it to my face.”
“There was nothing going on with Casey until we broke up. I swear. And it’s not like he and I are even boyfriends now. Please, you have to believe me.”
Nate shook his head sadly. “No, I don’t.” He turned away.
A panic fluttered in Lucas’s chest, and he reached out, fingers closing over Nate’s wrist. The touch of his skin felt electric. “Wait.”
Nate shook his arm free. “Lucas, what more is there to say?”
Only the truth
. “You asked me a question just now. Why I’m with Casey.”
Nate shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t care, Lucas.”
“I’m with him because I don’t want to be alone.” As he said it, Lucas knew it was the truth. He’d never felt quite so pathetic. “He’s a good guy, and he likes me, and it’s nice to be liked. Being with him is easy. And I don’t have any other friends. I don’t have a family.”
Nate’s stony expression dissolved, making Lucas’s heart constrict. He plowed on. “I know you think your family is a big pain, but I’d give anything to have a brother and parents, and grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles and…all of that.” Lucas swallowed the lump forming rapidly in his throat. “Look, I know this is all my fault and it’s not your problem and I don’t blame you for not wanting to listen to my self-pity. But…when I lost you, I lost everything.”
Nate reached out, his fingertips caressing Lucas’s cheek, gaze tender. “It’ll be okay,” he murmured.
As if drawn by an invisible wire, their lips met, and Lucas’s head spun at the passion and warmth conveyed with the simple kiss. They moved into each other’s arms as they had so many times before, but Nate suddenly stepped back.
He shook his head. “I can’t.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I know I’m not perfect; I know I’ve made mistakes. I know I should be able to get over this. But I can’t. I wish I could.”
Lucas jerked his head in a nod. He didn’t blame him.
“I want you to be happy, Lucas. I really mean that.” He walked away, disappearing down another aisle.
Lucas stood hidden among the shelves of musty books, fighting back tears.
* * * * *
Jolting awake, Lucas rubbed his eyes and glanced around the darkened apartment in confusion. Blue light flickered from the TV, and Lucas pushed himself upright on the futon, wondering what had woken him from his nap.
Another knock at the door answered that question, and he turned on the overhead light as he shuffled over, stepping around empty take-out containers and piles of dirty laundry. He didn’t bother checking the peephole and regretted it when he found Casey standing in the hallway.
“Hey, man. What’s up? You sick?”
Lucas stepped aside and let Casey in. “Yeah.” It seemed an easy enough lie.
“What’s wrong? Cold? Flu?”
“Um, yeah.”
Casey cocked an eyebrow as he peeled his coat off and dropped it on the chair by the door. “Which is it?”
“Both, I think. I don’t know, I just haven’t been feeling well.” Lucas forced a cough out for effect.
“You haven’t been in class this week, and you didn’t call. Or answer the phone, I might add.”
“Sorry, my cell’s acting up. Want a drink?”
“Sure.” Casey settled on the couch. “How was Thanksgiving?”
“Good.” Lucas really wasn’t in the mood for company.
“What are you watching?”
“Last thing I remember was
Judge Judy
.”
Lucas handed Casey a beer and sat next to him as an awkward silence ensued. Lucas had been avoiding Casey and he really didn’t know what to say. The more time they spent together, the less they seemed to have to talk about.
Picking up the remote, Lucas flicked through the channels aimlessly. He asked Casey about class, and they made small talk for a while.
Stroking Lucas’s thigh, Casey smiled. “Come on, let me help you feel better.” Leaning in, Casey kissed him, and Lucas let Casey take the lead, his hands roaming under Lucas’s T-shirt and sweatpants.
Closing his eyes, Lucas thought of Nate. Lust stirred in his blood, and he arched up, imagining it was Nate touching him; Nate’s mouth on his neck, Nate’s hand stroking him.
Suddenly Casey stood and pulled Lucas to his feet. “Come on.” He smiled and backed up around the corner to where the bed was. Taking his shirt off, his hands moved to his belt.
Looking at his bed -- at the bed he’d shared with Nate -- Lucas felt as if he’d been doused with ice water. The thought of being with anyone else in
their
bed was just wrong. Even though Nate had made it clear it was over, he couldn’t do it. This wasn’t what he wanted.
“No.”
Casey glanced up as he stepped out of his jeans. “Huh?”
“No. I can’t do this. I’m sorry, I think you should leave.”
“Are you feeling that sick?” Casey squinted in confusion.
“No, this isn’t… Casey, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I’m in love with someone else.”
Rolling his eyes slightly, Casey reached out, placing his hands on Lucas’s shoulders. “Come on, man. That doesn’t mean we can’t have fun together. Besides, that uptight prick dumped you, remember?”
With a burst of anger, Lucas shrugged out of Casey’s grasp. “Don’t talk about Nate like that.”
Casey laughed. “You can’t be serious. Look, I know
first love
” -- he exaggerated the words mockingly -- “is hard to get over, but you’re being ridiculous.”
“You don’t understand.”