Dead Spots (2 page)

Tanner climbed to his feet, favoring his knee, and ambled over to the dresser. “I just love what Granny made for Joshua.
This
is awesome.” Tanner lightly touched the quilted cloth letters lined up on the dresser that spelled out the name Joshua. “Joshua Tanner Babin. That's a damn good name.”

Mackenzie carefully rearranged the gifts in the crib, setting the football on the little outfit Tanner loved so much. “It's a beautiful name for a beautiful boy.”

“I can't wait for him to be here, Mac. Damn, I got chills just thinking about it. He's going to be the best kid ever. Just you wait and see.” Tanner picked up the framed 3D/4D ultrasound photo. The face of their unborn son was amazingly vivid in the sepia and brown tones of the ultrasound image. “He's definitely got my nose and your lips. I wonder if he's got your pretty eyes.”

“Or yours.”

“He's awesome. I can tell already. He's got that Babin stubborn chin. He's going to be a hell-raiser, but a mama's boy all rolled into one just like me.”

Mackenzie gazed at her husband and sudden tears swelled in her eyes. Despite the euphoria of the night, a small niggling bit of fear shadowed her thoughts. It was her mother's voice whispering in the back of her mind.

“Baby, don't cry!”

“I can't help it! I'm so happy! Everything is just so wonderful. I love you and Joshua so much! I never thought I would feel like this. I never thought my life would ever be this good. And it's scaring me shitless!”

“Ignore your mother's dire warnings of doom and gloom, Mac. We have a good life. You and me and Joshua are going to be the happiest damn family in the whole world. Nothing bad is gonna happen. I'm here. I'm going to protect you and Joshua from all the bad shit your mom is always going on about. I promise you.”

Snuggling into his arms, Mackenzie sighed with contentment. “I know, honey. I just … I'm so emotional. I guess it's the hormones.”

Tanner planted kisses on top of her head and rubbed her back to console her. “Trust me, Mac. Everything is going to be okay. Do you trust me?”

“Yeah, always.”

“Then believe me.”

“I do.”

Together they finished cleaning the remaining mess from the baby shower. Their family and friends had done most of the hard work, but they still had a few things to tidy up. As Tanner broke down all the boxes and stuffed the wrapping paper and bows in a trash bag, Mackenzie stacked the Hallmark cards adorned with storks and babies in one pile and put store gift cards in another to be sorted through later.

There was plenty of leftover food in the refrigerator, and a second trip out to the trash can removed the last of the dirty paper cups and plates. Feeling hungry and craving sugar, Mackenzie snagged a cupcake out of a Tupperware container. The chocolate and raspberry goodness was a godsend.

“Okay, this place almost looks back to normal,” Tanner said, studying the kitchen. “I'll get the rest of it in the morning.”

“Thanks, honey,” Mackenzie said over a yawn.

“Babe, you're wiped out. I can tell just looking at you. You go to bed and I'll clean up the grill and stuff outside real quick. We don't need to attract vermin.”

“You're the best.”

“Of course I am,” Tanner said with a wink.

“I'm going to need help getting out of this dress.” Mackenzie flexed her swollen hands and grimaced. “The zipper is in the back.”

“I'll never argue against getting you undressed,” Tanner teased.

“Oh, shut up. I'm a blimp.”

“A sexy blimp,” he assured her.

Rolling her eyes, Mackenzie left Tanner to his chores. In the bedroom, she slid out of her dress, and, too tired to shower, pulled on a soft nightgown. After her nightly routine of washing her face, brushing her teeth, and combing out her hair in the adjoining bathroom, she returned to the bedroom. On the bed stand, the yellow baby blanket she'd been painstakingly embroidering sat next to her cell phone. She just had one more flower to complete before the blanket was finished. It was her nightly ritual to work on the blanket before settling down to sleep while Tanner surfed the Web on his Notebook.

Checking her messages, she saw that most were from her mother and one was from her best friend, Erin. Mackenzie texted Erin that she'd call her the next day with full details of the party, but didn't bother to respond to Estelle. The last thing she wanted to deal with was yet another lecture. Sometimes Mackenzie wondered if her mother thought her endless warnings were good parenting. Mackenzie could agree with her mother's every edict until she was blue in the face, and still Estelle would continue her long-winded speeches. She doubted her mother would ever regard her as competent.

“I will talk to you tomorrow, Mom,” Mackenzie muttered, setting the phone aside.

Scooting into bed and picking up her embroidery hoop, she listened to the sounds of Tanner cleaning outside. The base of her spine pulsed with pain and her swollen fingers made stitching difficult, yet she kept to the task.

Exhaustion hit her like a two-ton truck a short time after, making her eyelids feel heavy. She'd have to finish the blanket another night. She had time. Joshua wouldn't be born for yet another month.

“Tanner! I'm going to sleep now.”

Whenever one of them turned in early, the other spouse always came in for a hug and kiss. It was a Babin family tradition that Mackenzie was glad to carry on. It made her feel safe and wanted.

Her husband scooted in the door and over to the bed. Taking the blanket, he set it on the bed stand. “Almost done?”

“Just a little more.”

“It's beautiful. He'll love it.”

“I just can't wait to hold him in my arms.”

Tanner rubbed her belly affectionately. “It's all going to be good, baby doll. I promise.”

“I know.”

In his more somber moments, Tanner's appearance took on a more mature look. It was reassuring to see the strong man beneath the boyish liveliness. She believed his words and knew he would do his best to take care of her and Joshua. “Love you,” Mackenzie whispered, her fingers tracing over the small bump she was sure was her child's foot.

“I love you, babe. It's all good. And getting better. Remember that.” Tanner kissed her lips one last time, then her belly. “'Night, Baby Joshua.”

As her eyes fluttered shut, Mackenzie watched Tanner retreat to the bedroom door, turn off the lamp, and quietly close the door. The angel nightlight on her bed stand gave off a warm, peaceful glow as she finally fell asleep feeling loved, protected, and blissfully happy.

It was her last moment of joy before she woke to a world of nightmares.

While she was sleeping peacefully in her bed, her baby's foot slowly withdrew from the press of her fingers as Joshua's little heart ceased to beat.

 

CHAPTER 1

Six Months Later

The crib was empty.

Mackenzie couldn't tear her eyes from the spot where her child should have been playing with his toes and cooing at the Winnie-the-Pooh mobile rotating above his little head. Instead, the mobile was packed in a box along with all the clothes he would never wear, the toys he would never play with, and the soft, yellow baby blanket that he would never snuggle in. The crib and house were as vacant as her hollowed-out heart.

Feeling faint, she gripped the crib rail and clung to it for stability. This was it. The end of everything she had held dear. Today was the day she closed the door on the life she had shared with Tanner. It was time to build a new one alone.

“Mac?” Angie, her sister-in-law, called out. “Are you okay?”

Turning, Mackenzie saw Angie leaning against the doorjamb. Her pink blouse was sticking to her ample chest and full arms though the matching crop pants still looked crisp from ironing. Angie's look was distinctly that of a mom. Mackenzie, meanwhile, was clad in tight jeans, her favorite high-heeled boots, and a pale blue silk T-shirt. Her lightweight navy blue leather jacket was set aside with her purse and keys for the cold weather that would soon be blowing into the area.

Knowing that a truthful answer was not what Angie wanted to hear, Mackenzie mutely nodded.

“The men from Goodwill are here, Mac.”

Mackenzie didn't answer, not sure she could speak quite yet. It was so hard to remove all traces of Joshua from the house that should have been his home. Yet, the house was an empty shell now, devoid of everything that had once given it life. Her son had been born without once taking a breath or opening his eyes. Her husband and all his possessions were in another woman's home now. All that was left was the remnants of her broken dreams.

“I know it's hard, Mac,” Angie said sympathetically after an uncomfortable moment of silence. “But it's time to let go.”

The ludicrousness of her sister-in-law's comment hit her like a bad joke. Mackenzie had no other choice than to let go of her dead child, her empty house, and her soon-to-be ex-husband. There was nothing left to hold on to and keep her in Shreveport. Yet, she couldn't verbalize these morose thoughts. Though she knew Angie sincerely cared about her and was attempting to be supportive, the truth was that Angie could never truly understand what Mackenzie was experiencing. It was a very lonely thought.

With a sigh, she made a point of releasing the rail and stepping away from the crib she'd long ago painted pale blue when the world still seemed perfect and full of hope.

“Are you sure you're okay?” Angie tilted her head, worried.

“I'm trying to be.” It wasn't a lie. After months of surrendering to her grief, she was finally moving forward. It was a daunting endeavor, but she was determined to claw her way out of the black pit of depression she'd fallen into when the doctor had been unable to locate Joshua's heartbeat.

Angie's tawny hair stuck to her neck and cheeks as she shuffled into the room. Behind her were the men who had come to cart away all the objects from Joshua's unlived life. The electricity was disconnected and though it was morning, the air was thick and humid inside the house. Sweat pooled between Mackenzie's breasts and trickled down her back. Angie's skin was beaded with moisture and she fanned herself with one pudgy hand. An early-autumn cold front was about to sweep into Shreveport and Mackenzie couldn't wait for the break in the heat though she dreaded the thought of the storms. She'd never been able to shake her childhood fear of thunder.

“So everything, right?” The big black man with the silvery hair leaned over to pick up several boxes stacked against the wall.

Mackenzie found it hard to speak, so she nodded instead.

The younger of the duo, a tanned boy with lots of shaggy blond hair and freckles, snagged the high chair and a bag of baby clothes. He sauntered out of the room, his head bopping to the music pouring out of his earbuds.

Mackenzie fought the urge to follow and rip the items from his grip. Her eyes were throbbing, but thankfully tears didn't fall. Angie rubbed her back, a consoling gesture that Mackenzie found annoying. It was the same thing Tanner always used to do to calm her. She used to love how tactile the Babin family was with each other, but now she just found it irritating.

The older man stared at the baby items, then studied Mackenzie's expression. She could see him fitting all the pieces together and searching for words to say. At last he opted not to speak at all and picked up several boxes in his burly arms. With a slight nod, he carried his burden out the door. Mackenzie's gaze followed, her heart breaking all over again.

“Maybe you should wait in another room,” Angie suggested.

With a sigh and a nod, Mackenzie acknowledged the wisdom of these words. She walked toward the door, hesitated, then snagged the unfinished yellow baby blanket from the top of a box before escaping to the empty kitchen. It had been foolish to believe she could give up the small thirty by forty inches of fabric that she had poured so much love and time into. That terrible day when she'd realized Joshua hadn't moved in hours and the doctor instructed her to go into the clinic for an ultrasound, she'd left the blanket behind on the bed stand. Tanner had kept reassuring her that Joshua was just a deep sleeper like he was and not to worry. All the way to the clinic, she'd gently poked at the baby bump, willing him to wake up. The ultrasound had confirmed her worst fears and all that followed was a nightmare. She hadn't seen the yellow blanket again until she had returned home with empty arms from the hospital a week later. A fresh rush of tears had spilled when she'd realized that Joshua had traveled to the funeral home wrapped in one of the generic baby blankets from the hospital.

Her notebook sat on the kitchen counter with the lid open. She'd been chatting on a forum for mothers of baby loss when Angie had arrived earlier. To speak with other women who'd experienced stillbirth had been a lifeline in the midst of the disintegration of her marriage, her mother's endless lectures, the painful platitudes people spouted in the face of her grief, and the seemingly endless well of sorrow in her heart and soul. It was the encouragement and sympathy of women that Mackenzie had never met that had helped her finally crawl out of bed and put together the pieces of her shattered world. With a sigh, Mackenzie typed in a quick update, then turned off the computer. Private messages were delivered to her email, so she would be able to check them and respond from her phone. Already this morning there was a slew of messages wishing her a safe trip to Texas.

Shoving the small laptop into its sleeve, she listened to Angie's voice drift through the house. Mackenzie wondered what Angie was saying to the men, but then shrugged it off. It didn't matter. Soon she would be leaving behind the house, the city of Shreveport, and all her memories, both good and bad.

On the counter resting next to Angie's purse was the divorce decree. Angie had been kind enough to bring it over for her final signature. Mackenzie couldn't bear to see Tanner and Darla, his new girlfriend. It was a small world when it came to gossip. It hadn't taken long for Mackenzie to hear about Darla's pregnancy. She would never begrudge a woman the joy of motherhood, but the news had hurt. Tanner had definitely moved on with his life and it was time for her to do the same.